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How do I find non-sexual intimacy without being unfair to the other?


DryRain

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CONTENT WARNING: DEPRESSION, SELF HARM (and relationship I guess)

 

Complicated title, even more complicated situation. This is going to be long so I wouldn't blame you for clicking away now.

 

I "got" a serious case of depression earlier this year in January. It was present before but it started getting actually crippling. I start going to therapy, and it helps a bit but it also digs up other stuff so you know, I'm kinda walking forward and backwards at the same time, understanding why I'm depressed better but getting more depressed as I do. I've been also subconsciously isolating myself as I stopped messaging friends. My logic for that was (sort of justifiably) that I was always the one initiating for a large portion of them, so I'd test to see if they noticed and you know, messaged me. This lead to shrinking the amount of conversation I had with people from a fair amount to about a quarter of what it used to be. Then depression settled in and at that point I wasn't going to message people out of guilt and not wanting to bum them out.

We're now in March, I'm still deep in there and it's not looking better. Now is when I make a big decision: I would break up with my girlfriend to avoid dragging her down with my depression.

Quick recap of my relationship here:

Spoiler

My girlfriend and I had been together for almost two years at that point and had a good and interesting dynamic (she is bi and I'm ace). She has her own mental illnesses and has been diligently working towards getting better. When I met her she was significantly worse, and when we got together (we were best friends before essentially) I got to watch her get even better over the next 2 years. She's now a strong person not by nature but by work, which is why I couldn't stand to be in the way of her progress, or worse, dismantle it with my depression.

She was opposed to it at first but I stuck to it, and went to my parents' for a while to give her space. Keep in mind I didn't want to break up either, but I really really felt like I couldn't stay with her either.

 

Now this is already quite the mess for me, and that's when the current pandemic starts getting really bad and measures are being taken by governments.

 

At this point I have to go back to live with her because as it turns out, my parents drive me insane and not in a good way (but I'm not going to open that can of worms here), so now I'm stuck living with her. Now, for good or for worse she realized that I was indeed right, and that my depression was affecting her negatively and that she felt better when I wasn't around. Naturally I was glad to have been right in my actions but it's also quite painful to hear, as you can imagine. A week or two pass, my state worsens and she also starts pressing me about moving out (this situation, due to her past, was very hard on her). With the pandemic going on, that wasn't exactly easy so I get even more desperate.

A week ago, for the first time in my life (and my depression I guess), I self-harm. Nothing extreme, but I do cut my left arm to blood. My (ex now I guess-)girlfriend sees that, tries to take care of me, and calls my parents the next day to tell them about it. We also go to the hospital for mental health that we have here, and while they don't take me in (like she expected) but they do prescribe me anti-depressants. 

Now I haven't said much about my parents but 2 things worth mentioning are that I'm not out to them (not relevant to the situation, just relevant to this site) and that they don't understand depression. They know it's like being seriously sad, but they don't understand what kind of state it puts you in, so up to now they hadn't been very good with it. After the call though, they start to understand the gravity and little better, and my father flies over the next day to take charge of me. I now live with my father in an AirBnB for the time being, not being sure what and where we're going next. He tries his best to take care of me and does a good job of distracting me at least. The thing is I don't feel like I can trust either of my parents, so I still feel somewhat alone even though he's with me all the time.

 

So now I'm emotionally alone, fresh out of my first relationship that worked really well despite the challenges, and confined because of the current events and unable to see the few friends I feel comfortable with. My ex and I are still friends and plan to keep being friends, but need space right now to settle things in our minds so I can't talk to her.

 

The whole point of this post was to ask the following question: how can I find non-sexual intimacy (that I badly need right now) in a way that doesn't put too much burden on whoever is on the other end, not only because of my depression but also because of the recent breakup. Is it even doable?

This turned into quite the rant/story so I apologize for that. I guess I needed to get it out somewhere. If you made it this far then thank for you reading

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WolfDreamer

Personal opinon. Not human will ever be as good as a friend  a pet.  They will always be happy to stay by your side during your ups & down, holding on to the belief that life is great. 

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anisotrophic

An unsolicited personal opinion/advice: self-harm is bad because you’re breaking natural inhibitions, and they’re hard to regain.  That’s a lasting psychological harm you may carry; if you still have any inhibitions I strongly recommend you keep them. These inhibitions protect you against suicidal acts. (I’m speaking pragmatically as someone who lost some of those inhibitions, resisted suicidal ideation routinely for a decade or two — it’s very hard to recover inhibitions, so... there’s a long term effect that’s bad, you should avoid breaking them if you can.) It’s better to freeze, shut down, sleep it off.

 

For ideas: maybe you can search for online support groups when you’re up for it. I’ve found online interactions can be very emotionally supportive; it’s how I met my spouse, 15 years or so ago.

 

When you’re not “up for it”: forgive yourself.

 

Antidepressants can have an increased risk of suicide as someone ironically feels “good enough to do something” (more energy), and that energy turns to doing a bad thing. Please watch out for that. Hopefully you’re never in that place, but if you ever are, what got me through suicidal ideation was grit, taking pride in resisting it; and, reminding myself of how much it would hurt others.

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