I don't want to die alone/ how the hell do I find a partner??

[UnknownCaller]

ok, ok, so the logical part of my brain knows this is stupid and over dramatic because I'm young or whatever. But also I feel like I need to just accept the fact that I'm probably going to die alone (ok probably not like alone alone, but I'm dramatic and dammit I want a romantic partner). I realized recently that I fall more into the demiromantic camp than I thought. Basically, my romantic attraction just kind of develops out of friendship, and I don't have really romantic feelings for someone unless we're friends or at least know each other first. Like I have never understood the idea of picking people up at bars or random flirting or just asking someone out because you want to get to know them. So here I am, wanting a long-term romantic relationship that I by definition can't go looking for. And for one to happen I have to 1) meet any other romantic asexual/ allosexual who is chill with no sex?? 2) know them enough to know that I like them as a friend/human person, then 3) develop actual romantic feelings for them and 4) have them reciprocate those feelings. And when you add that all together my chances just seem very very slim, and it's pretty depressing sometimes. Anyway, I don't have a good way to end this rant, so.... thoughts? empathy? advice? questions? (since it's pretty late and I don't know how coherent I'm being) please share

[literallylexi]

Honestly, I feel this deep down in my soul. I always tell myself I'll have to be friends with them first, I'd never be able to just start dating someone out of the blue. But I also really suck at just making friends. 

[Guest]

They really need a proper dating site for asexuals that is actually works. Maybe a site AVEN ran themselves so it would reach like ultimate awareness for the community..?

[RomanticAce526]

I wish asexuality was more widely understood and accepted. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am a romantic asexual. I can fall under the demisexual category, but def with lower libido. I want to come out to close friends and family, so I can be more myself, but feel more comfortable online for now! My fiance knows, and he has been wonderful. I just worry that he will resent me someday. I seriously feel like if I don't marry him, I'm cool to be done forever with relationships. It's hard though, because I am very much the romantic type. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. 

[sga]

there are some encouraging posts in the 'success stories' forum under 'asexual relationships'.

 i empathize completely. sometimes it seems impossible. but it is possible, from the experience of others, so that i find encouraging.

[Guest]

I understand everyone's concern, but unlike most others here I'm well past my best-before date so to speak, with no sign of anything. 

[Skycaptain]

People have developed relationships starting with simply text-talking on AVEN. Eventually this goes onto exchanging contact details, phoning, video-chat and eventually meeting face to face. Others I know have met through meets. Something as simple as responding to a post in a thread can, ultimately, result in marriage. 

[gothic]

1 hour ago, KrysLost said:

They really need a proper dating site for asexuals that is actually works. Maybe a site AVEN ran themselves so it would reach like ultimate awareness for the community..?

Why not a discord while we wait?

 

*edit

 

But yea op, its rough out there

 

 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Rasluka said:

Why not a discord while we wait?

interesting

[gothic]

1 minute ago, KrysLost said:

interesting

I would be surprised kind of if it wasn't already a thing, but yea an AVEN run discord.. something to think about

[Homer]

Fact: The vast majority of people dies alone. Their orientation and/or relationship status has nothing to do with this.

 

My Grandparents were married for more than 50 years before Grandpa passed away. So Grandma, who is 88 years old right now, lives on her own. Her kids are the only ones who even live in the same city and it's highly unlikely for either one to be around when the time comes.

I had pulmonal embolism a few years back. Had I died that night in the hospital, it'd have been alone. My first "roommate" in the ICU died as well. I didn't know him, didn't talk to him. However I was there when it happened and I heard him take his last breath. He was in his mid 80s and had a loving family waiting outside. I'd still say that he died alone. I was nearby physically because I couldn't help it, but it's not like I genuinely cared about him or anything.

 

The chances of not dying alone (i.e. surrounded by at least one person who actually gives a shit) are slim. Besides that, I personally wouldn't want to put that burden on anyone.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Skycaptain said:

Something as simple as responding to a post in a thread can, ultimately, result in marriage. 

Unless someone prefers the same gender romantically and lives in a country which doesn't respect same-sex love...

Whatever. I wouldn't really like to marry, I'm so used to living alone that I can't imagine living with someone. But I desire a soulmate and I can really relate to a lot of stuff here. Particularly since my field of possible compromise is very, very small, I simply couldn't have sex.

[hypnopompic]

25 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Unless someone prefers the same gender romantically and lives in a country which doesn't respect same-sex love...

Whatever. I wouldn't really like to marry, I'm so used to living alone that I can't imagine living with someone. But I desire a soulmate and I can really relate to a lot of stuff here. Particularly since my field of possible compromise is very, very small, I simply couldn't have sex.

Ugh, your post made me mad and sad at the same time. We already have trouble finding a partner who is okay with us being asexual and either never ever offering sex or pretty rarely but then on top of that, people have to face discrimination for liking the same gender. I keep forgetting that there are still countries, cultures, religions, etc. who shame and even outright punish homoaffectionals/-romantics/-sexuals. That's so messed up!😟

[dandeliongirl]

Sheesh. I'm just socially awkward enough that I couldn't find a date, let alone a potential partner before I knew I was ace.... now all I can think is, how the heck am I gonna find one knowing I am now?

[ThatGoofyGuy]

2 hours ago, Homer said:

Fact: The vast majority of people dies alone. Their orientation and/or relationship status has nothing to do with this.

 

My Grandparents were married for more than 50 years before Grandpa passed away. So Grandma, who is 88 years old right now, lives on her own. Her kids are the only ones who even live in the same city and it's highly unlikely for either one to be around when the time comes.

I had pulmonal embolism a few years back. Had I died that night in the hospital, it'd have been alone. My first "roommate" in the ICU died as well. I didn't know him, didn't talk to him. However I was there when it happened and I heard him take his last breath. He was in his mid 80s and had a loving family waiting outside. I'd still say that he died alone. I was nearby physically because I couldn't help it, but it's not like I genuinely cared about him or anything.

 

The chances of not dying alone (i.e. surrounded by at least one person who actually gives a shit) are slim. Besides that, I personally wouldn't want to put that burden on anyone.

Well, my family on my mother's side is really united. Both of my grandparents were surrounded by their children and grandchildren near the end, and both had one of their daughters next to their bed when they died. Of course, Asexual people are unlikely to have children, but you can still be close to other people. For example, I'm very close to my nephew. My father and I acted as substitutional fathers when my sister left her boyfriend. I'm planning to be a important part of his life until I die. I don't take this for granted of course, but I do what I can to keep building a strong relationship with my little rascal.

[aces&eights]

I feel this so much. Like you know you’re being dramatic but also **** it we can be dramatic if we want. When I first really accepted I was ace I was doing the maths about finding some ace AND someone I actually like which is hard to come by. I came up with a very very small number of percentages of ppl out there in the population. A very depresso thought. But oh well dying alone is only one moment of your life. I value the living moments more

[rivianmage]

I feel this so much. There is always the expectation that relationships will lead to sex, that is assumed to happen. And as soon as you want no sex, it's no longer a viable relatonship???? I feel this so much and whilst I ignore that feeling most of the time, it's always there, eating away at me every single day.

[Ennis]

I've accepted by now that I'll probably never have a life partner and I'm doing my best to cultivate friendships instead. As @Homer said, it's not so much dying alone but living alone that we should worry about.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm of a similar mind as @Homer here. I've seen many, many people die in my time, some closer than others and it kind of wakes you up from the fantasy and shows you, you can go at any moment, whether you're ready or not.

 

The notion that a person will live up to their 90's and die in some hospital bed surrounded by their family and loved ones and go in peace is a sweet thought but very highly improbable.

 

You can go like my godfather's nephew who was literally going out to meet his girlfriend after having been apart for a while due to work and other responsibilities. On the way over he got hit by some drunk taking a curve too fast and spiraled out of control. Died moments later in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. The dude was younger than me. A kid barely in his 20's now laid dead in a funeral parlour and there was no rhym and reason for his untimely departure from this world. Sometimes life just likes to fuck with you.

 

 

 

[UnknownCaller]

I'm really glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, even though it's a shitty way to feel.

I guess I should clarify that, logistically, I know that dying physically alone is probable for most people. I meant more that I fear I'll live my whole life without anyone being able to commit to me romantically the way that I want to commit to someone.

 

And also I just like to complain sometimes so maybe it's not so bad and I'm just letting myself spiral

[Ennis]

1 hour ago, UnknownCaller said:

I'm really glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, even though it's a shitty way to feel.

I suppose everyone has their burden to carry and this appears to be ours. I'm doing my best to have a good life regardless, even though it makes me sad sometimes.

[weird elf]

I seem to go back and forth between "screw it all, I'll just be alone forever" and "but I want a Person in my life". I honestly don't even know. Guess the best I can offer you on that, OP, is a heartfelt " 100% feel ya".

[Zectarash]

I cobbled together some statistics awhile back, and, well, assuming I only stuck to relationships with other aces, my dating pool (i.e. compatible gender/orientation combinations for both parties) would be (/is) about 0.3% of the world's population, not considering factors like age or, well, compatibility. So, yeah, I know how you feel.

 

My only advice really is to come out a lot and to go to ace meetups. It's entirely up to your discretion when/if you come out to any given person, but the chances of finding other aces in meatspace without coming out yourself are... not good. Most other aces I've met came out to me after I came out to them, anyway. As for actually starting a relationship... yeah, I'll let you know as soon as I've figured that bit out myself.

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, Zectarash said:

My only advice really is to come out a lot and to go to ace meetups. It's entirely up to your discretion when/if you come out to any given person, but the chances of finding other aces in meatspace without coming out yourself are... not good.

No kidding, and to add insult to injury, the barren "city" I'm in was passed over for this year's international meetup, instead going to the nerve center of the country, and I have no way to get there. Actually I'm surprised that this place even made it into the top three. I wouldn't have even looked at the thread to begin with, but then someone... had to tell me it was being considered.

[Zectarash]

7 minutes ago, Jon A. said:

No kidding, and to add insult to injury, the barren "city" I'm in was passed over for this year's international meetup, instead going to the nerve center of the country, and I have no way to get there. Actually I'm surprised that this place even made it into the top three. I wouldn't have even looked at the thread to begin with, but then someone... had to tell me it was being considered.

Oof, that's rough...

[AspieAlly613]

We do have an unofficial discord server (check the gray banner at the top of this page).

[Philip027]

Really, speaking as a demiromantic ace who's still gotten a handful or relationships and eventually a marriage, just be friendly, and be yourself (hopefully, being yourself doesn't entail being a bitch).  All of my relationships happened without me specifically looking for any of them; they just happened naturally out of existing friendships.

 

Trying to force it in the bar scene or dating sites or whatever just isn't going to work out for most demis.  It isn't how we're wired.

 

Quote

Something as simple as responding to a post in a thread can, ultimately, result in marriage. 

Literally what happened with me.  It wasn't one of my best threads, either.  It was made almost six years ago at one of the lowest points of my life, and it showed.  But it goes to show that sometimes good things can come out of bad things, and even when you're completely not expecting it.

[SleepyFox]

@UnknownCaller did you somehow get into my head and write out my thoughts? I feel exactly the same way.
I guess the best you can do is try to look after your real friendships and hopefully they do the same for you. It doesn't make that desire for a partner any easier to deal with though.
On a side note a few of my IRL allo friends genuinely like the idea of living close together and popping over to each others' houses regularly. Which has its own kind of intimacy to it.