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AVENues April/May/June 2020 - Platonic relationships

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scarletlatitude

Just in time to relieve some of your quarantine boredom... the next AVENues is ready! 

 

Link: https://issuu.com/avenues1/docs/avenues2020spring

 

 

Our staff

 

Editor in chief: @scarletlatitude

PT Overlord: @Puck

 

Layout editors: @kelico @scarletlatitude @Janus DarkFox

Content editors: @CourtlyLove @euphrasie_fauchlevent @Kikuka @Scooter @Snao Cone @WünderBâhr

 

Artists: @kelico @MichaelTannock @Windspiel

 

Content creators: @ben8884 @euphrasie_fauchlevent @Kimmie. @mexicanpotato @Scott1989 @SithAzathoth WinterDragon @Snao Cone

 

Special thanks for this issue: @Kelly Bea, Milana Lattin, @HolidayT Veda Renee

 

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Our next issue is about Asexuality Activism! What do we mean by that? Activism can be any way that you help other aces or increase visibility. If you are involved in a particular organization, tell us about it. If you aren’t involved in ace activism right now, what would you like to get involved in?

 

Fill out our question of the month form here: https://forms.gle/D1xpvFMbMEeqBbJ79

 

 

Remember, we are always looking for articles and artwork to add to AVENues!

·      To submit creative works, please go here: https://goo.gl/forms/QQqfdfOR69niJFoP2 

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·      For larger submissions, please email us at avenues.submissions@gmail.com

·      You may also send a private message to any of the AVENues staff on AVEN

 

We are always looking for more people to join our team! Send one of us a message on AVEN for more info!

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juanc
Posted (edited)

All my life has been related to deeply extremely deep platonic relationships that never were shared with the same intensity or depth and at some point broke my soul needing medical assistance for long time. Disappointment and depression for matters of life and values.

 

Even being a man that had plenty of emotional responsibilities that accomplished quite well...let's say that my heart could be related to the "Beauty and the Beast" tale....keeping as pure as possible the soul waiting for that someone before the last petal felt down....and the years passed away....Never been kissed before in my lips with the tenderness of a pure kiss ( even not by my family when kid ). My friends told me that i am too good for this world and not silly...just weird and odd.

 

Just recently....being more open about all this and offering altruistic feelings.....by chance and surprisingly on holidays among a group of friends met a guy that felt Platonically in love with me.....nothing sexual....we both talk openly about this....not sexual desire or body attraction, ( i won't mind that but honestly didn't felt any sexual attraction ) but a deep emotional and intellectual bond.....that both loved and shared....so i felt that suddenly something opened deep in my soul and could not control it.  Perhaps i could have met my soul mate friend brother or so. Told him and he told me he was also in love Platonically with me but.....due the intensity and so.....he was afraid and terrified so found suddenly a g/f and cut off all contact with me due the situation was "weird" and my emotional intensity "blocked" him......so due the no explanation no chat no communication at all for months.....the deep platonic love we had in me went even deeper and deeper due the lost of contact and felt a soul tore as never before due i trusted 100%....now he barely communicates and say that i am just one more friend and he is happy and engaged with that girl.

 

we are not teens and i know what i felt....was not sexual gay attraction ( i am not silly and know that ) to me and i feel that i lost my "son-brother-relative-dad-soul mate" feelings and now i feel broke and as unhappy as never before due i lost that happiness and joy of life due i always wanted to share that but never found anyone....and when i thought i found the one....the pure no sexual love and someone that loves me for what i am and that just that makes him happy and i felt the same from the other side.....to loose this was a torture and the hell but now i feel total numb for all and for everyone.

 

Talked to him now online due the physical distance about this and he apologizes for the pain and suffer he caused but he says he doesn't feel for me the same way i felt. Asked him if perhaps he was bi or gay or had any kind of crush on me and can't admit it and he told me he didn't felt sexual arouse with me just emotions....

So his platonic love was not perhaps so deep or based in solid funds.....but mine was and now i feel destroyed....all my inner world feel that is destroyed and don't know how to start from scratch as if i were 5yrs old. emotionally speaking.

 

No family here and yes plenty of "friends" that appreciate me a lot and love me their way but can not understand that inner intense depth and not-sexual love....and they do not hug or cuddle due that for them they only do with a partner and previous or after sex. And me....need that just like a kid with someone i can trust emotionally and.....there are not.

 

Any advice or so ? any book to read ? anything to could understand myself better ?

Ahhh this guy was not a sociopath.....i know how tricky some can be just for gaming others.

 

Edited by juanc
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KathyHoh

To hug and cuddle without sex, although rare, is a dream relationship to some people. My friend, you have come to the right place. You have plenty of people who understand you on this forum. I am sure you will one day find your dream platonic friend. I also experience my close friends giving more attention to their sexual partners when they find one. We still maintain good friendships but they give priority to their sexual partners. I do not blame them, it is their life, but I also hope to find someone who is devoted platonic friend who will never leave me for a sexual partner. Just ideal but hard to find I guess.

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Tommy13

I always thought I was weird for wanting netflix and chill to be all cuddles and a series binge. I feel way more fulfilled from the moments in a relationship that deliver 'connection'... cooking together, cuddles on the sofa, road trips... sex always felt like the it was a chore, something expected, something that raised issues rather than bringing us closer. My ideal relationship would be founded on platonic, lasting friendship and if that's all it remained I'd be perfectly happy. I do think I'd grow attached though, and would definately find it hard if they entered into a relationship with someone else and started to cut me out of the picture, so I feel your pain Juanc!

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KathyHoh

@Tommy13 described me well. Platonic relationships are the ones that fulfill me. 

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Julia A.

Hey Juanc! I feel you... I have had a very similar situation, although some bonding maintenance is ongoing... It did cause me lots of pain, trying to understand what was going on between us and within myself.

She is honest with me saying she's confused about her feelings towards me, but through some hard times she said she didnt feel anything more than friendship. And it wasnt true. I could feel it wasnt at that moment and afterwards we were settled that is wasnt true. So it seems a queerplatonic relationship many times, although we have never labeled it. And it's hard to see where to go as, for now, we are apart, each in a different side of the Pacific Ocean.

 

That's a slight piece that things can be really confusing and communication is important to solve struggles yet not an ultimate solution. It demands lots of courage, emotional maturity and integrity from both sides to communicate - that's already a lot. And sometimes a knowledge or wisdom is key to untangle those struggles, but it is not our time to achieve. Sometimes is just too much. Too much time. Too much hard work. Too many fears. A selfless capacity that can't be asked as taking for granted.:  Accepting the other half has one's own process. Own life. Own fears and struggles. And the hardship that all of it can bring sometimes it is too much.

Don't ever question your feelings. Or doubt what you both had. That's part of thougts that exist to kill us inside. They cause us pain, and they don't want to be seen, so they find us excuse to feel broken.


But the only truth that it can be seen from your story is that he felt afraid and could not handle. And he is not able to say to you how he felt, because he is not able to say it to himself. 


And that's painful but one day can be fine, through a compassion perspective to you, to him and you both.

There's a process of patience, of that wisdom of perceiving time. And good patience says that time only heals because serenity comes -when we trade expectations to acceptance. 

Hope you find a good journey through yourself that will bring you happiness no matter who is by your side - someone may comes to add, but it is good seek happiness enjoying the good human you are.

 

(English is not my first language, so perhaps I need to clarify any sentence afterwards - feel free to ask)

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CharCharChar

Is there an easier way to read version of AVENues? Yes I can make it fullscreen and then zoom in, but then I have to drag it back and forth to read each line and it takes a moment to de-blur the new view of text with every drag.

 

It seems like the line spacing might be less than 1, and that's making it hard for my eyes to track to the next line if I try reading it small enough to fit the screen. 

 

Do you sell physical copies?

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Cindy Motley

It’s nice to have found this group. I feel the same way. Would love to be in a platonic relationship however cooking together and cuddling on the couch while watching Netflix sounds like a wonderful night to me.   Just wondering do they have dating sites that asexual people can join?    Thanks for listening 

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Tommy13

Hi @Cindy Motley there are a few sites out there, some better than others. I'm currently on Asexuals.net which is pretty good, just a bit quiet 😊 I believe theres a sticky topic on one of the boards with a list of sites.

 

Edit: Here's the topic:

 

 

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CharCharChar

@Cindy Motley

asexuals.net is the newest one. Free through 2020.

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Skycaptain

If people want dating sites, or to discuss new sites this is the best thread 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/197721-dating-site-master-list/#comments

 

 

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semifrog
Posted (edited)

Hi JuanC,

Thank you so much for being vulnerable and for sharing your story with us. I can only imagine how painful it was to to go through what you went through. It sounds like you had a very deep emotional connection to this person. I can totally resonate with you, as I am now having a similar experience, which has been very distressing. I am sorry that this person could not reciprocate your feelings and decided to cut ties with you for some time because he felt that the situation was awkward. I am glad that you were able to talk to him and share how you felt.

I think that what you are experiencing is perfectly understandable. This person has meant a lot to you, so, it is only natural that you are feeling a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, pain...Just tell yourself that this will take time, and it's perfectly okay. Take the time that you need and find people in this group or in your group of friends who can listen compassionately. Do things that you enjoy and be kind to yourself.

Wishing you all the best!

Edited by semifrog

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scarletlatitude
On 6/12/2020 at 2:40 PM, CharCharChar said:

Do you sell physical copies?

Unfortunately no. It's only available online. 

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ashpenaz
On 5/17/2020 at 5:17 PM, juanc said:

All my life has been related to deeply extremely deep platonic relationships that never were shared with the same intensity or depth and at some point broke my soul needing medical assistance for long time. Disappointment and depression for matters of life and values.

 

 

 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt--in fact, my closet is overflowing with disappointed love t-shirts! :) It's very difficult, and I never understand how guys who were clearly feeling the same thing I was can suddenly run away. And always to form a sexual relationship with the opposite sex, as if to fully prove he is not gay. As if anyone cares in this day and age! When I look back on those platonic but deeply romantic relations, I KNOW we were feeling the same thing. This is the one experience which separates asexuals from the GLBT+ community--our feelings are constantly marginalized and erased in favor of sexual relationships. Our relationships somehow aren't "real" because we never had sex, and, of course, it's only natural for people to prioritize their sexual relationships! :(  I want to come first in someone's life. I want what I have to offer to be more important to him than sex. I'm the male version of Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding--I want him to choose me! 

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Kean

You know, when I signed up this morning I really didn't expect to find the exact answers to questions I hadn't even fully formed in my mind yet at the end of the first link I clicked on.

 

What you all have described here of an intimate, committed, platonic partnership is everything I want and didn't even know I could look for. 

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will123

I just wish I had known about this stuff about 20 years ago. I said no to the possibility of sex with a female friend. I never saw her after that. I really enjoyed her company and was quite upset as I had really opened up to her.

 

The fact that I turned down sex didn't really bother me. This was about four years before I found out about asexuality. In 2003 I met another girl and nothing happened sexually or romantically between us and I wasn't bothered by that. Then I figured out I was asexual. We're still friends (came out to her last year) and have a lot of fun meeting up for the occasional lunch 😎

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will123

@ashpenaz You mention 'real relationships'. That kind of reminds me of a comment one of my female friends made when I came out to them, "Why do people think that a guy and girl have to have sex to be friends?"

 

I said, "Exactly!" Whether it was Cathy or Tonia it doesn't matter, but I've had enjoyable times with them (Cathy since the early 80s) without having sex.

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