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Frustrations w/ a Friend


Europan

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So a few of my friends and I have been keeping in touch through videogames during this quarantine and one of them has really peeved me. He is a new guy, moved to our area. He talks about in chat all about how he needs to conform and not be as vocal with his interests so he can be liked by a wider audience of people. He basically told me that because I dress a certain way, I talk strange, and that I am vocal about my interests, I will never be a socially well-rounded person. I don't understand him. I act like I do, not to be a contrarian or to stand out, but because it is easier to be myself than try to subdue who I am. He thinks I am "weird". I feel like part of it is that he came from a place where he was liked and popular and feels the need to reconstruct his social status. I grew frustrated with him, since one of my best friends and I had worked hard to include him in clubs and social circles throughout the year and now he said he wasn't satisfied with just us. We may be small, but we have offered him emotional and mental support. We try to help him and act as a channel for his interests. So I asked him "So we aren't sufficient?". He then later texted me saying he thinks that my friend and I are "great" but we aren't enough for him. All we have done is try to support him and now it feels like he is trying to wear masks and subdue his true self to be more popular. I went through a similar phase in my life where I tried to appease as many people as I could and it broke me. I tried to hurt myself at the end and it really cracked me. I don't want the same for him. Am I doing something wrong? Asking for help

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I don’t think what you are doing is wrong. Why would it be wrong to be yourself? Unless you are a serial murderer or something... then you might have some issues with that. It is both a ridiculous thought and impossible ideal for someone to be well liked by everyone. If you feel you have to hide your true thoughts to be friends with people, is it real friendship? What is the point of being popular if there is no one in the crowd that actually knows you? I would rather have one close friend than any number of friendly acquaintances. I can’t imagine it, but the world takes and makes all sorts of people. 
It sounds like you have tried to be a patient friend to this person. It also sounds like you are annoyed with him, but still want to help. If he is making you feel bad, perhaps you should tell him so. You could talk to him about how his behavior is making you feel and why you feel that way. Listen to the replies he gives you, and try to stay calm even if he continues to be rude.The new kid might not want to listen, but you could try to inform him of your experiences, too. 
If he feels the need to be liked so much, why isn’t he trying to stay liked by you and your buddy?
If he ignores your advice and continues this and you can’t stand it anymore, you don’t have to put up with it. Trying to be friends with a train wreck waiting to happen and being unable to help them can be bad for you, as well. You can inform them that you are available if they need help or want to talk to you, but you don’t have to stick with them through it all. You can distance yourself. You might also think about whether or not you consider this fellow an actual friend and what lengths you would go to stay friends with him if you do. Is he a close friend or just someone you don’t mind chatting and maybe hanging out with?

 

I’m not the most experienced with such matters, but this would be my approach. Mind you, I have been told on occasion that my blunt ways can make people uncomfortable. This also may not be the best approach for this person. I don’t know him, and can’t imagine how he’d react. I guess that is up for you to contemplate. I hope more suggestions pop up, so that you have more options to pick from. I’m sure you’ll find a way even if no one else replies. I hope it all works out one way or another. Good luck!

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I use to think like this at one point too. I became friends with a lot of people but I felt empty as a person around them. I feel like while someone may gain popularity there is nothing meaningful in gaining that. I made a lot of "friends" but I could never open up to them so what was the point? I realized I lost a lot more than I gained. The people I became friends with I didn't even like half of them as a person. If someone was to say something wrong instead of speaking up I would stay quiet just to be in good graces with them. I think it's a cowardly way to live. If you have no core beliefs and principles then who really are you? 

 

I find people that do this are actually insecure and feel the need to compensate this with superficial desires. I don't like people that live like because you make lots cowardly decisions in moments where you should show up. I also realize they're very bland and have nothing to offer. As an example (sorry to use a celeb figure) but you know Shawn Mendes? He hasn't done anything wrong but I really can't get myself to like him because he doesn't have a personality. He seems he's too afraid to voice his thoughts, opinions, and interests that he just seems like a empty shell of a person who just wants to be liked by the general public.

 

I don't like people like this despite their stance on being ''neutral" and not doing anything that is problematic. I really like people who express their world views and are just themselves. Authenticity and being ourselves is the most "attractive" thing you could do. Don't be swayed by your friend. At the end of the day if that's how he views the world he'll either go through the superficial phase and regret it instantly or he'll just miss out on the genuine friendship he had with you and your friend. He'll make the decision, and when he makes his choice it will be his. Don't blame yourself for it but just think he missed out on something meaningful and that's his loss not yours

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza
8 hours ago, Europan said:

So I asked him "So we aren't sufficient?". He then later texted me saying he thinks that my friend and I are "great" but we aren't enough for him.

Ouch. He's treating you like something to be used for his convenience, not a friend. I'd drop him if you can, or just distance yourself. He'll soon learn no one likes being treated as an expendable only there for his benefit.

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HonoraryJedi
15 hours ago, Europan said:

He basically told me that because I dress a certain way, I talk strange, and that I am vocal about my interests, I will never be a socially well-rounded person. I don't understand him. I act like I do, not to be a contrarian or to stand out, but because it is easier to be myself than try to subdue who I am. He thinks I am "weird".

This is extremely rude, and you'd be well within your rights to just stop playing videogames with this dude if he's like this. Being polite to people you share a friend group with is practical, of course, but perhaps don't actually reach out to this doofus. Or, if you want to still stay friends with him because he is good in other regards, accept that all this is about his issues, not yours. Something making him so unsure of himself that he not only feels he needs to tie himself into knots for public approval, he feels he needs to push his friends towards the same prison as well. You don't have to just take that, is still rude, but at least it could help you avoid internalizing his issues.

 

15 hours ago, Europan said:

I grew frustrated with him, since one of my best friends and I had worked hard to include him in clubs and social circles throughout the year and now he said he wasn't satisfied with just us.

It really sounds like you're putting in  a lot of work for someone who is only 'meh' about you. I suggest not putting in as much effort for this guy going forward. You tried to include him! That is a good thing you did, and it makes you good and kind people. But that doesn't mean it has to click, and that you will all get along and be bffs now. You offered him the option of being part of your group, then let him decide if he wants to stay, or bother keeping up contact.

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