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i’m new, heavily questioning, and absolutely confused


excuseyoupeasant

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excuseyoupeasant

first off hi, i’ve never been on a forum of any sort before so i have absolutely no idea how this works and if this is like not the right place to put this i apologize

 

second off—and this is mostly just word-vomiting, so apologies if it makes no sense—i’ve been questioning my sexuality lately and whats confusing is i know i’m somewhere on the ace spectrum or the gray-spectrum, but i don’t know exactly where (also apologies if i mess something up; i have to admit i don’t exactly know my onions when it comes to asexuality and the whole spectrum, so if i’m wrong about something feel free to correct me). i suppose i’ll just share my story and whatnot, and i’m not really expecting anyone to try to help me figure this out (frankly i dont know if this is the kinda place to post this kinda thing and i’m probably going about this all wrong) but then again it is greatly appreciated if someone does have any ideas.

 

so i feel like i’ve been pretty sure about my sexuality and whatnot for about four years? i know for sure i am a huge lesbian and i am entirely into dating girls, and i just assumed hey i might be fine if i found myself in the situation of y’know having sex with a girl. recently however, i had a bit of a revelation (kinda like knocking down a wall of amnesia almost? maybe not but that’s how i see it) that i am a csa survivor, but i had repressed those bad memories for about the last eight-to-nine years so i never knew what happened until like a month or so ago. this realization that y’know this happened to me made me realize a bunch of Fun Stuff like figuring out where just about all my anxiety and relational ocd came from, but also this made me start to question my sexual identity bit by bit. there’s also the whole deal with like depression, as well as generalized anxiety disorder and relational ocd as mentioned before, but i don’t know if i have time to unpack all of that right now.

 

i was researching different micro-labels of asexuality last night and i really resonate with a few of them bc they feel like they fit but i also don’t know if they contradict. so basically when it comes to sex i feel like it sounds pretty good in theory and i do occasionally feel sexual attraction, but i would hate to be on the receiving end bc in my mind that typically means i’m submitting and the idea of being submissive whatsoever especially in a sexual sense terrifies me to the point of a panic attack (i know that just bc you’re on the receiving end you’re not necessarily a sub—this is just how the big dumb trauma brain is telling me it’ll be). however, if it actually came down to actually having sex with a girl, even if i’m strictly on the giving end, it terrifies me and i’m not sure if i could go through with it, but i’m not sure if that counts as being sex-repulsed.

 

i did come across the label of caedsexual last night and i felt like that resonated with me until the memories like un-repressed themselves or whatever, but i don’t know if i’m allowed to use it since a.) this csa happened when i was seven and b.) i think i still feel like super occasional sexual attraction (frankly i’m not entirely sure what sexual attraction even is tbh, maybe i’ve actually never felt it at all) and from what i’ve read i think it means not feeling sexual attraction whatsoever so i’m not sure if i count. the only other problem is, i’m fairly young (i’ll be sixteen in a few months) and i don’t know if i really am allosexual and just lost or faking being ace which makes me feel terrible. i really just wanna know where i’m at (not necessarily on the ace spectrum, just like in general yknow) and i’m lowkey dying inside not really knowing.

 

so um in other words, hi, i’m new here and i am confused as all hell about myself and absolutely terrified. i‘m not entirely sure if i belong since everybody here seems so sure about their ace and/or aro identities but i’ll take the leap and if i’m wrong i’m wrong. anyway yall have a good day

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Ok first of all...

7 minutes ago, excuseyoupeasant said:

recently however, i had a bit of a revelation (kinda like knocking down a wall of amnesia almost? maybe not but that’s how i see it) that i am a csa survivor, but i had repressed those bad memories for about the last eight-to-nine years so i never knew what happened until like a month or so ago.

I'm sorry you experienced that but I'm so glad you said that because I went through the same thing and I thought I was weird because I only recently realized it had happened because I've repressed it so much

 

12 minutes ago, excuseyoupeasant said:

i would hate to be in the receiving end bc in my mind that typically means i’m submitting and the idea of being submissive whatsoever especially in a sexual sense terrifies me to the point of a panic attack (i know that just bc you’re on the receiving end you’re not necessarily a sub—this is just how the big dumb trauma brain is telling me it’ll be).

Same here

 

12 minutes ago, excuseyoupeasant said:

this csa happened when i was seven

Same here

 

15 minutes ago, excuseyoupeasant said:

or faking being ace which makes me feel terrible.

I don't think you're faking it. You said you're confused, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Also I'm only 17 but at some point, I thought I was ace (I'm not saying you can't be ace, I'm just saying it turned out that I wasn't) and had a lot of repressed anxiety about sex, and honestly I still do because I haven't worked through any of it (the sub thing still terrifies me). But I've been able to think about the ideal conditions in which I would want sex, and that way, I've determined that I actually do, regardless of my trauma.

 

It's also important to remember that allosexuals don't feel sexual attraction all the time. Or even most of the time. I won't just see a hot stranger on the street and think about ripping their clothes off. I'm not sure how often you mean by "occasional" when you talked about feeling sexual attraction, but it could be closer to an allo's experience than you think. Of course though, no one can describe what you experience as well as you can!

 

24 minutes ago, excuseyoupeasant said:

i‘m not entirely sure if i belongs since everybody here seems so sure about their ace and/or aro identities but i’ll take the leap and if i’m wrong i’m wrong.

I've changed my orientation about a million times and ended on bisexual and the AVEN overlords haven't kicked me out yet, so I think you'll fit right in!

 

Hope this was helpful, and welcome to AVEN!

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Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. :C I hope you're able to get the therapy and everything you need to help heal from what happened.

 

Secondly, I personally wouldn't call being terrified of something the same as being repulsed. I'm terrified of the prospect of getting a job... but I still want a job. For me, repulsed is basically like grossed out or otherwise thoroughly and strongly disinterested. idk if this is the commonly understood interpretation of "repulsed."

 

Thirdly, greysexuality falls under the asexual spectrum and is occasional/rare spurts of sexual attraction, so I don't think there'd be a problem with you using it, from what I know.

 

Lastly, you might be allosexual and still healing from your trauma - but, in the meantime, if these labels help describe you most accurately right now, use them if you want. If these feelings change later on, you're not stuck in those boxes, and just because you might change in the future doesn't mean those terms aren't accurate to your present feelings. Labels are only words that help describe one's experience. Experiences can change. This is fine. Just try to be as true to yourself as you can be. If you feel like you are, and this or that label seems to fit, then use them and if your feelings change later, you can revisit and if the labels no longer hold up, you aren't forced to keep using them. You can only be accurate to the present, but you can't predict the future, so all you can go on is the present.

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Welcome! Well I’d say grey-Asexuality, greysexuality if you will, would be a reasonable label for now. And even if it turns out you’re not on the ace spectrum you’re still welcome here. I know it can take a lot of courage to talk about these sorts of things, so I just want you to know that you’re welcome here regardless of the outcome :)

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