Hey, I'm new and confused

[socialsnail]

Hi guys,

 

Sorry if this is not where I should be posting this, I have never been on a forum or anything like this before. It has taken me a long time to have enough confidence to come on here and also to even participate in writing something instead of just reading things. I think that during this whole worldwide pandemic and being along in my home has been the big push to actually come on here and write something. I am not very good with expressing my feelings at all, so hopefully something makes sense here.

 

I am almost positive I identify as an asexual aromantic, and I have known that I was different since about 6th grade (mind you I have only told about 3 people this). I have absolutely no desire for sex, nor any desire for a relationship beyond friendship. Ever since I was little I valued friendship more than anything, and that is still the same today, except now my surroundings have changed and none of my friends feel the same way (they all are in relationships). Bring surrounded by sexual people, all along that spectrum, with absolutely no one around me to understand my (ace) spectrum or anything about the issues that we face really takes a toll on me. I am constantly afraid of people talking about sex, making sex jokes (I do not find them funny), asking me about my sex life, asking me if someone is hot, or anything of the sort. I am not sure what the main reason is behind me being so uncomfortable about this topic, whether it is because I am asexual and no one understands or really accepts that as a real thing, or because I am a virgin and that has a whole other negative connotation around it... or the fact that together both of those things are just completely barbaric and no "normal" human would ever be able to live with the fact that someone like me exists in such a sexual world. 

 

This brings me to another "issue" with me, which is my depression. That has a whole other side of questions and critics, and I can't even fully wrap my head around that either. It has also been with me for many, many years, and I have had many people not take it seriously, maybe even I didn't take it seriously... I really just don't know anymore. A question I have been asking myself a lot is if I wasn't asexual... would I be happier and not depressed? In a way I think it is a possibility as I would be a "normal" sexual being that can laugh at sex jokes, have many different partners, have all the benefits that people talk about that come with sex, actually have relationships and have someone that would be with me and considered a "life partner" like everyone else does, etc. But then there is the other side of me that says that I was born like this - an asexual, depressed person. A strong factor in why I can connect my asexuality with my depression is with what I mentioned previously - that friendships are the relationships that I value the most. As I said, all of my friends are on the sexual spectrum and all are in relationships. They have someone that they value more than me (selfish, I know), they have someone that is their "life partner", they have someone that society deems the most valuable person in their lives, they have someone that they ask to bring to all events, and if I say no, they are offended and get angry with me because how dare I say no to their partner, because it is their partner!!!! The last point there is a bit specific and definitely occurs in my life all of the time, and I tried to explain why I wanted a "friends only" get together saying that they (my friends) are my version of a relationship and so it is like bringing another person on our friendship date... they didn't understand and literally told me that I was being stupid and selfish. 

 

Sorry, I seem to have gone on a rant and I had more points to bring up but I now have forgotten them. Basically, hello everyone, I am very confused, afraid, and full of anxiety but I am hoping that taking this first step in joining this group and writing something will lead to better things. I have read some other people's intros and I can relate to them so that's good. 

 

Cheers

 

 

[Trebela Pianissimo]

Hello! Welcome to AVEN! I'm kind of new too  

 

I'm really sorry that you've had this experience. But everyone here is happy to help, and it's been really helpful to me to post on here and ask all the questions. This is the first site I've ever posted publicly on, so I was pretty nervous as well.

 

I identify as Gray-sexual and aromantic. Society can be really sucky sometimes, especially as a young person when many people will tell you 'it's just a phase,' or whatever. Hopefully, if you become ready to tell your friends, they will be more thoughtful about the jokes they make and the things they say around you. 

 

Also, if you feel lonely when you're friends are off with their partners, you might want to try to find a platonic relationship with another romantic person who just wants to be besties for life. 

 

I really hope you win your fight with depression. I know that that can be really hard, especially with these kinds of questions on your plate too. AVEN has helped me through a few rough spots in my life, and I think you should stick around. We're all here for you!  

 

Here, have some cake! 

 

[Lichley]

Welcome!

I find it reasonable to have friends-only Meetups. Both of my parents meet up with their friends separately and on the regular to do group activities and spend time together, what’s so weird about taking a break to spend time with your friends? That’s not stupid or selfish that’s wanting to spend time with your friends without the romances getting in the way?? Plus it means that their partner gets some alone time as well, which is also needed.