Jump to content

What did your parents tell/teach you about the overlap between sexual attraction and romance?


AspieAlly613

Recommended Posts

9 hours ago, Zagadka said:

My parents didn't give any guidance on romance or really sex, though we got some cheap sex ed videos. I think they just assumed nature would take its course.

Natural selection for the worldwide idiots? We're still waiting for that to happen.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Shizuo Mei said:

Was that any better ? (I won't be offended if it was worse or didn't answer your question at all)

Yeah, it's much better. Thanks.

 

21 hours ago, Shizuo Mei said:

It sure is good to get back some freedom ! Though it doesn't always make things easy to deal with, personally.

Yeah, it does feel much better to get a bit of freedom back (or more specifically, normalcy) but you are also right that it doesn't always make things any easy.

I still struggle with the thought of being alone and relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My parents were very open about sexual matters, though my dad also liked to warn me of the mindset of a teenage boy, but no they never split romance and sex. Every time the subject was mentioned I would say something like 'but sex doesn't have to be that important in a relationship, right?' and my parents would respond with 'eeehm.... yeah, it kind of does'.

 

Those conversations left me frustrated more often than not, mostly because I was convinced it really wasn't important and my parents didn't understand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

My parents were very open about sexual matters, though my dad also liked to warn me of the mindset of a teenage boy, but no they never split romance and sex. Every time the subject was mentioned I would say something like 'but sex doesn't have to be that important in a relationship, right?' and my parents would respond with 'eeehm.... yeah, it kind of does'.

 

Those conversations left me frustrated more often than not, mostly because I was convinced it really wasn't important and my parents didn't understand.

This is how I imagine it would have gone down with me, had it happened.  An overall unfulfilling experience.  So perhaps me not getting anything was probably for the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross
3 hours ago, Hadgr said:

My parents were very open about sexual matters, though my dad also liked to warn me of the mindset of a teenage boy, but no they never split romance and sex. Every time the subject was mentioned I would say something like 'but sex doesn't have to be that important in a relationship, right?' and my parents would respond with 'eeehm.... yeah, it kind of does'.

 

Those conversations left me frustrated more often than not, mostly because I was convinced it really wasn't important and my parents didn't understand.

This makes me wonder. What would happen if the parents spoke of it to a boy? Would they expect him to behave as they think or would they chastise him if he didn't react according to the rest?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alawyn-Aebt

No distinction between the two; if anything there couldn't be a distinction between them since, as they explained in their meager information session, sex was something done in the confines of romance. Sex outside of romance wasn't even discussed. The concept of friends-with-benefits or anything involving non-romantic consensual sex did not seem to exist.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Jade Cross

 

My parents only had daughters (3) so it will remain a mystery. However, as any normal parent, they would discourage disrespectful behavior (in other words, playing around with someone's feelings) but if I was that boy and thus asexual, I don't think they would have minded. They don't know I'm asexual but they know my interest is neither here nor there and they don't really care as long as I'm happy. I'm 22 now and they still aren't pushing me to find someone and my mother often tells me she's not exactly waiting for grandchildren either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nothing. I’ve had 1 talk many years ago from my dad, who decided to tell me that he had no problem if I wished to look at pictures to women online (I don’t and still don’t). Besides that, I’ve had my dad ask me to open the door to a room, where me and my girlfriend were watching tv together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross
On 4/6/2020 at 5:04 AM, Hadgr said:

@Jade Cross

 

My parents only had daughters (3) so it will remain a mystery. However, as any normal parent, they would discourage disrespectful behavior (in other words, playing around with someone's feelings) but if I was that boy and thus asexual, I don't think they would have minded. They don't know I'm asexual but they know my interest is neither here nor there and they don't really care as long as I'm happy. I'm 22 now and they still aren't pushing me to find someone and my mother often tells me she's not exactly waiting for grandchildren either.

I've always had an uneasy feeling when parents said they wanted me to be happy because it always entailed happiness by their standards, not mine.

 

I wasn't exactly referring to encourage disrespectful behavior (maybe I should have worded it better). 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Aven Mindcensor

my parents sent me to a church sex ed class for 4 hours a day for multiple days in the summer of 4th or 5th grade and my church was kinda ok with gay people but not really so we stopped going but I attended church camps and then I stopped believing in god and then I went to a violin camp and abandoned all of my church friends and became anxious all the time and at the violin camp my audition was too good so I was 1st chair second violin in the orchestra and I was in a quartet with all the other second chairs and I had to cry quietly in my room so that my roommate couldn't hear me (it was at a college dorm and campus) and it was hell. also not much of this has to do with my parents. but anyway they are completely oblivious to most things lgbtq+ but they are like yes sure whatever people should be allowed to do what they want, but they don't research anything I don't think. and im not sure how they would feel about me being asexual, but my brother would probably be ok with it or be excited. 

 

im really bad at maintaining a theme to anything I write on aven.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Squirrel Combat

I never had a sex talk from my parents. Just something about pulling back foreskin to clean it, and that made me so sick to my stomach I had no idea why they mentioned it.

 

Ugghhh, I'm so squeamish about that subject that I'm starting to feel sick now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I look at my parents' relationship and realise - it's like mixing bleach and ammonia together. Mustard Gas. Poisonous. Yet, married after 40 years still...

 

My old man refers to my mother as, 'the ice block". My mother calls my old man "selfish" and "rude".

I can see both sides...

 

So frankly, I am quite thankful that neither has given me any sort of guidance regarding relationships of any sort.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nothing at all. My parents are the type that you can’t talk about anything to them. I’ve tried it never works out. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tiredandinspired

My mom is very open and sex positive and encourged my sister and I to ask any and all questions. This backfired a bit for me because I'm generally sex repulsed and had no questions I wanted answered. 

 

After she learned about asexuality and actually realised she was asexual herself, she made it clear that it exists, can coincide with romantic feelings, and is valid. 

 

I am so thankful to have such an accepting and open-minded parent and I can't imagine how much harder things would be for me if I had a different upbringing.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

My parents never really discussed romance or sexuality with me. While it was offered that I could ask about anything I wanted, I was never had any questions on the topic (mostly due to lack of interest on my part). 

That being said, any attempt to mention asexuality and both my parents claim I have no idea what I am talking about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Following Through

Nope. All hail mainstream media. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

This was never a focus for my parents. Then again, I was always so uninterested in anything related to relationships I don't think it was a priority. The only thing I was consistently taught was from my mom, and it was "take no shit". Even through my refusal to care about romance, the most important advice about relationships she still felt the need to impart on me was "never let anyone treat you badly" which, I suppose I can respect that x)

Link to post
Share on other sites

In general my parents were open and positive about sexuality, and said we could ask whatever questions we wanted etc. They also made it clear that sex doesn't have to go with romance, friends-with-benefits situations are ok if you talk about it, just be careful and be aware that feelings might get complicated. So in that sense I knew the two weren't necessarily linked. They also talked about friendship, and that maybe it can be hard to watch a friend suddenly spend more time with a boy/girlfriend. So they made it clear that friends are important too and you can feel strongly about them too. In hindsight I remember they said it was particularly hard if you wanted to be extra close to your friend, and knowing some other stories now I wonder if they thought I was 'more' into my extra best friend than 'just friends'. My parents never explicitly said you can love someone (romantically) without being sexually attracted to them, but they did make it clear that platonic relationships are important too. When I came out to my dad though, and I explained that some people are romantically into other people without wanting to be sexual, he did say that surprised him, but that it made sense, and that actually come to think of it made sense thinking about other people he knew in the past who were very close but not sexual together. Overall I think my parents did a great job, but I wish I could have had instilled in me that I don't have to wait around to 'wake up' and be attracted to people like everyone else (this idea didn't originate from them, more from the rest of society, but it would have been nice to hear them say it's not necessarily that way).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never had "The Talk"

 

Basically, no friends could be why. 

Also, my parents came from emotional neglectful/abusive ones too.. So they probably never had that themselves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Rhyn Corinn

I don't recall even being told outright that 'sexual attraction' was a thing, but maybe I wasn't paying attention. All I remember being told was how sex itself worked physically. I was probably 14 or 15 before I really started to realize that people actually wanted sex, because in my mind it was nothing more than the way to procreate. It was hardly ever talked about at home, and I didn't mind or even think twice about it because I didn't care anyway.

 

TBH I really don't think my parents understood split attraction all that well, if at all. Once I finally found out about asexuality and explained that to them, they seemed to understand and didn't argue about it or anything. Before that, though, I remember being incredibly frustrated trying to explain to my dad (who KNEW about asexuality, even before I did) that I was NOT interested in sex at all, that I was never GOING TO BE interested in it, and that romantic relationships did not NEED to include sex. But then I tell him I'm asexual and suddenly he understands it perfectly. As for my mom, well, seeing as she freaked out when I wrote a story where teenagers were dating (saying 'dating is the precursor to either marriage or sex'), I don't think she understood it either. 

 

Interestingly, though, since it was never really talked about, I've never associated romance and sex anyway. They had nothing to do with each other in my mind, and no one was telling me differently (since no one was talking about it lol), so the idea of split attraction has never been foreign to me. It just...makes sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WanderingKate

My mother's sex talk began and ended with "just don't have sex until you're married." That was it pretty much it. 

When I talked to her about the fact we never really had a "the birds and the bees" chat when I was a kid, my mom said that she figured she'd have the talk with me when I started dating, but then I didn't date anyone until college and by then she assumed I must have figured it out by myself. Truthfully I think she was just absolutely horrified and uncomfortable at the prospect of having "the talk" with me. She's a bit old fashioned in that regard- she even admitted to me later on that she never asked if I wanted to go on birth control because it might "encourage me" to have sex. 

Talking to her about it now in regards to my mother's own dating life, she is pretty firm in her belief that romantic attraction can't exist without physical attraction. She's told me in the past that maybe the fact that "I think I'm aromantic" is because I wasn't actually physically attracted to any of the people I've dated. She's stated that for herself, it's important that her next husband is attractive to her. She also made it clear that she doesn't like the idea of sex without romance, that she wants to be swept off her feet and romanced with any sexual relationship she has, and she wants to wait until she remarries for sex, so I think for her the concepts of sexual attraction and romantic love are very much intertwined. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Simple question: They didn't.

 

In fact,we never even talked about sex.Maybe only once or twice and both time it was super awkward and i wanted to throw myself out the window.

Link to post
Share on other sites
tea-board20

Mine never really mentioned it, not because they were embarrassed or felt awkward, but because they assumed I already knew. Which was sort of true, since I was growing up at a time when the internet was still fairly new but already a decently reliable form of information (I use the term reliable loosely...). Looking back now, though, I'm glad they never talked about it with me, because I'm not even sure they're really aware that there's really a difference between romantic and sexual attraction. I live openly, but I'm not sure they even notice my romantic habits or lifestyle, and even if they do, at this point it's not really their business lol. If they had been the ones to bring it up, I might have had a skewed understanding of what it all meant. So, really, I'm sort of happy I learned about things on my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Haven't yet. I came out as lesbian in April, and my mom knows I'm not into sex at all. I even told her when she asked if I'm sexually attracted to girls that "No. I just like them romantically", and she's ok with that. I haven't really sad "I'm a homoromantic asexual" cause she kinda already knows.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lara Black

I got my sex talk very early – the first time I asked where children came from. So, I was about 3. Since then I knew:

1. Sex and love were not the same thing (but that actually meant that sex was possible without love or a relationship – not vice versa).

2. Sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life

And sex was always freely discussed in our family – nothing obscene, but my parents never tried to hide it from me – they called a spade a spade. When I got a bit older (about 14-15), my parents added 2 more points to my education:

1. Always use protection

2. Don’t start a relationship with your first sexual partner.

My Mum saw the last one as a bit of a pitfall she wanted me to avoid. She explained that we would both be inexperienced and wouldn’t really be able to please each other.

The irony is, I married my first sexual partner, and he was also a virgin when we started our relationship. So that point of my education I ignored completely. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

My parents never really went into that subject with me, that was probably why i was sooo confused that people actually HAD sexual attraction and sex was not just to have kids, you know. 

As realtionships are most described as "a man and a women in love", "a women and a women in love", " a man and a man in love", etc... I thought all relationships were basically just romance and, when i eventually went to middle school and became aware that people actually have sex NOT to have kids, i just didn't get it. I knew that was a thing and all but i thought "if it's not to have a kid then what's the point". SO For such a long time i just didn't get the concept of sexual attraction and thought that it was the weirdest thing ever. Well know i am aware that it actually IS a thing (lol), and maybe if my parents explained it i wouldn't have been so confused. 

 

I feel like people tend to not separate romantic attraction to sexual attraction when they explain and that's why i was kinda lost for so many years lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

My parents taught me that sex and romantic love are basically inseparable.

I asked my mom once if, as a Catholic, I’m technically “allowed” to get married if I don’t want kids or sex at all. She said no. According to the rules of our religion, technically I’m not allowed to have a self serving relationship. She told me that if you’re gonna get married you have to be open to the idea of having sex and children, and if you’re not open to that, then your marriage vows are basically a lie and you shouldn’t be marrying anyone in the first place.

And like, I get that. It makes logical sense to me, but I just think that’s sad. It puts me against my religion and my belief system, which will complicate things if I ever enter a relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...