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how to explain being nb?


applecider

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so, i have my analogy for this and i've talked with my therapist, but she asked me smth that three me off guard i guess?

 

she asked why being called a girl doesn't feel right to me, and i wanted to know how many other non-binary people can relate to it.

 

basically, being down in the quarantine and being constantly misgendered (because i'm not out) has started to grate on me. before i realized i was nb i didn't pay too much attention to it bc that was just how it was, and i was so subconsciously desperate to be a girl that i never thought anything other than that.

 

now it's starting to bother me and i feel like my therapist is kind of trying to discourage me from being non-binary (but not on purpose), and i don't know how to explain to her that they/them just feels right, not she/her or he/him.

 

again, does anyone just feel the same/similar way or have a way of explaining other than "it just doesn't feel right"?

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I would say that being called "she" is just as bad as misgendering  someone who clearly presents as a male or a female and wants to be called those pronouns. It's as if you call your therapist a "sir". That's not how she wants to be seen in society. 

In the end, feelings do have a lot to do with it, but I don't think it should be dismissed because of it.

I would just explain it as that not being who I am. In my mind, I'm not a lady and I don't want to be treated that way.

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Just Somebody

Gender identities are social groups (or "boxes"), your gender identity is the social group you currently consider or recognize yourself as a part of and represented by. Why do it? Well who knows? Maybe because you can find easier in that group other people with similar life experinces you can relate to, or, ultimately, because in the end it makes you feel happy somehow otherwise you wouldn't do (identify as) such.

 

 

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Wearing my business-casual birth gender feels like I wearing a Mickey Mouse suit and talking in a squeaky voice much of the time. Wouldn't it be nice if I could take that off now and then without getting bashed? 

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Minty greens

I have two ways to explain this, chaotic or lawful.
Lawful: "When being called a girl, which includes people using 'she' toward me, it makes me feel as if I'm not being seen or respected. Although this doesn't make me any less myself, it still hurts to be called something I'm not"

or, mild-chaotic: "it gives off the same vibes as being cussed at, but then making it a bit personal. nobody needs that"

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guest-member-0100356

Idea: just straight up ask your therapist why she feels comfortable as a woman, then try to use her own way of describing it (if you can). Eg: "People think of me as a woman, and I'm okay with that" vs. "people think of me as a woman, and I'm not okay with that, but I still wouldn't be if they thought of me as a man instead." (and that's why I'm nonbinary).

 

This isn't realy the best way I can describe it, and it's kinda bad, but here you are: an analogy that uses clothing as an example. (I'm using second person because why not?). It's a spoiler because it's long and I'm not 100% okay with it, and it probably doesn't capture what people feel. It's also a mess. 

Spoiler

 

Maybe all your life, you've grown up in an outfit which is(or just as) "girl." Other people see you, and they think girl. But!--girl doesn't fit you. Maybe it chafes your hips and makes it really hard to breathe when you go into the women's changing rooms to try on a new bra. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's uncomfortable, and you feel out of place. Maybe it's fine (it should be fine), but it just doesn't feel right. 

 

And you find something which is nonbinary. And maybe you're still looking, try a few other things, or backtrack, or stop there immediately. It doesn't matter. You try it on and it fits. Something finally feels right. Maybe you feel euphoric at the realisation. Maybe you just feel relief--it doesn't chafe. It may still feel uncomfortable and awkward and hard to breathe when you go into women's changing rooms, but that's because you're not a woman, much less a girl. It makes sense now.

 

You might've tried on "boy." And it didn't fit either, perhaps in a different way from girl, because you'd always been wearing girl but now you see you were not a girl, different from trying on "boy" and it not feeling right. Maybe it didn't fit because you aren't still male or female, and nb felt right because you were neither. Maybe it didn't fit because it didn't fit

 

So maybe you tell people and they understand. Maybe they don't. Maybe you wear it boldly over everything else, or chuck a jacket over it to hide it. But now you're in a position where people are trying to force "girl" onto you. And you hate it. Maybe it feels like they're stripping away part of your identity. Maybe girl feels worse now because it chafes again--but the pain isn't worse, it's just that you had grown used to it. Or maybe it is worse.

 

So you're nb. And you want people to understand. And you use they/them because they're a better reflection of your gender--they/them are neutral pronouns, where she/her and he/him imply male or female--girl or boy--which you aren't. But you know you're nonbinary. (and here i can't finish my own analogy and lost the plot half-way through so--)

 

 

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DuranDuranfan

I explain it as, while my body may be one sex, my brain is both guy and girl. Well, if you identify as Bigender then this is best explanation for me.

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