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Demisexual - does it need to be sexual desire?


L!zz

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Hi all, hoping everyone's staying safe in this strange time and not going to insane trapped at home 😅

So been thinking recently and having run around in circles in my brain and with my boyfriend thought I'd open the question up to the group!

Whenever I read descriptions of demisexuality it suggests that once you have romantic feelings for someone then the sexual feelings develop. I totally get this from an objective point of view but it doesn't seem to match up with what I experience. When I got close to my boyfriend and decided I was ready to be intimate it was in no way to do with sexual attraction (I never feel that for anyone) but more the romantic side and wanting to be close in that exclusive way and the fact that it's sexual is just a side factor that I know would make him happy...

I still prefer sexual activities which are more focused on him than reciprocal and don't like any which are focused on only me (I'm more likely to either get uncomfortable and call time out or burst into a fit of giggles in these situations since they just seem respectively either gross or amusingly weird to me depending on my mood at the time)

My question is - can I be considered demisexual if the willingness to have engage in sexual acts isn't driven by a sexual desire?? Or is that more greysexual? 

My anxiety means I'm most comfortable having a label and it feels weird to not be using one which is actually correct

Any ideas/comments/anecdotes welcome! :D

 

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everywhere and nowhere
23 minutes ago, L!zz said:

My question is - can I be considered demisexual if the willingness to have engage in sexual acts isn't driven by a sexual desire?? Or is that more greysexual? 

I would say that it sounds like good old asexual. An asexual person can, too, be willing to engage in sexual activities for reasons other than desire. I'm not, I'm strongly sex-averse, but I understand that not all aces are and as long as sex-averse people aren't pathologised, expected to desire a "cure" or expected to try sex anyway, I'm fully willing to treat sex-favourable and sex-indifferent aces with the same deserved respect.

Asexuals don't feel sexual desire, but there are other reasons to have sex: to make a partner happy, to conceive (still, despite personally also being very tokophobic and having never ever wanted to have children, I will keep reminding that getting pregnant without sex is possible, even in home conditions, and that it's a hopeful solution for would-be asexual and sex-averse mothers), even out of curiousity, to know "what the fuss is all about". I respect those reasons as long as the person in question is fully sure and reasonably comfortable, as long as they are not pushing themself to do something they don't truly want to do. Having sex for this kind of "external" reasons does in no way contradict being asexual.

I would also say that, despite all that harmful promotion of "no strings attached" sex in modern culture, most people need some emotional connection to have sex with someone. For most people the idea of having sex with someone for whom they feel nothing is at least unappealing, often more - repulsive, unacceptable. Most people become comfortable with the idea of actually having sex with someone after an emotional bond develops. And it seems to me that it's just as true also for sex-favourable and sex-indifferent asexuals - it's just that in their case there's no active desire, only a willingness based on these "external reasons".

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You can be willing to have sex and still be ace.  It comes more down to whether it's something you desire.  (It also doesn't matter whether they are "giving" or "receiving" acts -- givers and receivers exist among sexual people; it's just a difference in preference to sexual acts, but the acts are still sexual.)

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4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

(It also doesn't matter whether they are "giving" or "receiving" acts -- givers and receivers exist among sexual people; it's just a difference in preference to sexual acts, but the acts are still sexual.)

Still, it seems that it's quite common among asexuals who have some level of willingness to have sex to be much more comfortable with giving than receiving. Even I, firmly sex-averse, have to say that even if I simply don't intend to ever have any kind of partnered sex, in theory giving seems much less horrible than receiving.

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Just now, Nowhere Girl said:

Still, it seems that it's quite common among asexuals who have some level of willingness to have sex to be much more comfortable with giving than receiving.

Second this (as an asexual who’s willing to have sex occasionally) 👍

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Quite possibly, but this is definitely a "correlation does not imply causation" situation.  Being more into "giving" than "receiving" does not necessarily make you any less of a sexual person, or any more of an ace person.  Either way, it's still sex

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Janus the Fox

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox, Questions about Asexuality & Open Mic Moderator

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1 hour ago, L!zz said:

Whenever I read descriptions of demisexuality it suggests that once you have romantic feelings for someone then the sexual feelings develop.

I think Demisexuality technically refers to someone who needs a strong emotional bond to form (romantic or other) before they can develop sexual attraction. It probably is romantic most of the time to be fair.

 

1 hour ago, L!zz said:

When I got close to my boyfriend and decided I was ready to be intimate it was in no way to do with sexual attraction (I never feel that for anyone) but more the romantic side and wanting to be close in that exclusive way and the fact that it's sexual is just a side factor that I know would make him happy...

Completely relate to what you describe here (except with the genders the other way round).

 

1 hour ago, L!zz said:

My question is - can I be considered demisexual if the willingness to have engage in sexual acts isn't driven by a sexual desire?? Or is that more greysexual? 

We’re not allowed to label you one way or the other on AVEN, but if you’re not experiencing sexual attraction/desire this would technically by definition be closer to asexuality.

 

Being willing to engage in, or even enjoying, sexual interactions are not incompatible with asexuality.

 

Asexuality is defined as not experiencing sexual attraction and/or an innate/intrinsic desire for partnered sex. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who meets the attraction definition and/or desire definition, and who honestly and thoughtfully relates to the term and wants to adopt it, can usefully and accurately refer to themselves as asexual. Past, present or future behaviour have no bearing on this.

 

I note some people see things differently which is why many asexuals who can enjoy sex in some way choose to identify as greysexual instead, even if strictly incorrect. I myself have gone for the (slightly contentious) sex-favourable asexual, because I can enjoy sex under the right conditions, but partnered sex still feels alien to me.

 

I hope that helped in some way 😊

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Thanks everyone for the perspectives and thoughts!

 

A lot to think about, have looked a bit further into indifferent asexuality it does seem closer to what I generally feel given that in most situations, as long as I'm with a partner I've been with for a while, since I'm just not really fussed by sex - will discuss it on a situation by situation case but would never request anything myself and will sometime verge into fully repulsed by all touch (whether sexual or otherwise) although this is rare

 

17 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

For most people the idea of having sex with someone for whom they feel nothing is at least unappealing, often more - repulsive, unacceptable. Most people become comfortable with the idea of actually having sex with someone after an emotional bond develops. And it seems to me that it's just as true also for sex-favourable and sex-indifferent asexuals - it's just that in their case there's no active desire, only a willingness based on these "external reasons".

This in particular fits really well with how I feel and I think it's part of why I was really confused for a while into each relationship, just merrily waiting for the desire to "kick-in" which never really happened 😅

16 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Quite possibly, but this is definitely a "correlation does not imply causation" situation.  Being more into "giving" than "receiving" does not necessarily make you any less of a sexual person, or any more of an ace person.  Either way, it's still sex

A good point, would have to say for me at least the difference is in the intent behind the act - like I have no driving desire to give or receive it's simply that giving is more palatable and seems less intrusive… if that makes any sense 🤷‍♀️ this is what seems different to more sexual people who seem to actively desire and seek out these acts whichever way they are done

 

Will keep investigating and thinking (and it may well change in the future who knows!) but a bit clearer now 

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3 hours ago, L!zz said:

it's simply that giving is more palatable and seems less intrusive… if that makes any sense

I fully get it. As I wrote, I'm strongly sex-averse anyway, I don't want to have any kind of sex with any person under any circumstances. But also, as I wrote too, being a giving partner only does really seem much less terrifying. My sex aversion is based, first of all, on my nudity aversion - I simply couldn't undress in another person's presence, even in the darkness. (And it's not because of sexualisation of nudity - I cannot accept being naked in any situation, with any person, I just won't let my naked body be seen by anyone, seen with eyes or "seen" with hands.) Therefore, for example, the idea of having oral or manual sex as the receiving partner gives me symptoms of panic. However, it's possible to perform a one-sided sexual act on someone without undressing at all. It's still very likely that I would be scared and too disgusted to continue and I simply have no reasons to ever try sex, my choice is no partnered sex ever and it's extremely unlikely to change. But it anyway seems much less terrifying for someone for whom sex aversion is first of all nudity aversion.

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Just wanted to add, even if you come to the conclusion that you're not demisexual after all, you could still be demisensual. As in, being physically attracted to someone after a deep emotional connection is formed. Wanting to get close to someone in an exclusive way, as you put it - just minus the sex.

 

Too bad that demisensuality is so little known, because most people immediately think of sexual activities when they hear the term 'physical intimacy'. Being intimate with someone can be so much more.

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On 4/8/2020 at 1:46 PM, kiaroskuro said:

Too bad that demisensuality is so little known, because most people immediately think of sexual activities when they hear the term 'physical intimacy'. Being intimate with someone can be so much more.

Mostly because people don't really want to label every single attraction and feeling. Demisenusal literally just means you don't want anything physical intimate without having formed a close bond. Simple intimacies boundaries and desires forming just aren't really anything eye catching. Comparing the forming desire for physical/emotional intimacy and the way it forms is stark to sexuality only occurring with a bond. Demisensuality is likely extremely common. Demisexuality is definitely not so much. 

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In a way, you're kind of the opposite of me when it comes to the bedroom stuff. I think that perhaps it is all just figuring out what works for you as a couple and this is exactly probably one of the major reasons I always believed that couples should have some waiting period before they go there because I think it makes them understand one another better in that way where they can first talk about what they are like in bed before actually going there. I wish I felt like elaborating more on this topic right now, but somehow I figure I just got to at least state the major point of what I think about this specific subject. 

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