I had a boyfriend for a year. It ended badly.

[Trebela Pianissimo]

I did have a boyfriend for a year. It did end badly. 

 

I remember when he asked me to date I was so excited, like this was finally happening and I'd get a boyfriend just like my friends and we'd be happy, etc, etc. 

He was my first partner, ever, and I guess I never really understood that the feeling was purely platonic. Fast forward a few months I finally get comfortable enough around him to cuddle, but I could never get close to his... shorts, if you know what I mean. 

 

A few months later we have our first kiss. When it was over, he said, "I liked that, maybe this time let's try it with our mouths open?" And oh my god was it weird. I couldn't tell if I hated it or not. Even writing in my private journal I faked enjoyment. 

 

Another few weeks and he asked me about sex. I put a big ol' stop to that right away because we're only in high school for god's sake. He was excited about it. I wasn't. 

He'd go on about marriage and kids and a future and I just acted. I acted for an entire year that I was invested in this boy and that we were going to stay together forever.

 

Then I broke up with him. 

 

It was the worst experience of my life. Not only did I lie for a year to this guy who did nothing but treat me with crazy respect and kindness and support, I lied to him again, telling him that I only lost the feeling in the past few weeks, because I thought we could still be friends. 

 

Ha. 

 

He was really hurt, obviously, and we lost our friendship and had to see each other in our four-hundred person high school every day. 

Not only that, but I had shut out all my friends, and lost all of them. 

 

Looking back on this entire thing, I see that I never loved him. I didn't even "like like" him. I just enjoyed his company and longed for something sensual, since my family is anything but cuddly.

 

It was three months after the break up that I found this forum. 

 

 I'm sixteen, and have finally found out what's "wrong" with me. 

 

I didn't have to want sex with him. I didn't have to want a relationship with him. We could've remained friends. But instead I had to screw it up. 

 

My life isn't tragic, it just sucks. I don't want a relationship. I don't want sex. I just want a friend who will give me hugs and I can rest my shoulder on. 

 

I'm still in high school, so I don't think I can pick a label yet. But I still wish someone could run a test and say "Yup, you're ______!" 

 

Right now, life just feels stupid and unfair. I want cake. 

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone who replied. It really helped me out  

[MakeupJunkie4]

Girrrrl....I can relate. I'm twice  your age - but I can relate. I'm sorry that society is so suckish. I'm sorry that there's so much pressure to confirm to the status quo about relationships and sex. Its so unfair, it really is. I wish I had some sort of magic advice that would change everything - but I don't. There IS an upside, though! HIGH SCHOOL ENDS. And as you become an adult, you become more comfortable in your own skin and doing your own thing as far as life choices go. You start caring less about what others think, and that, my young friend, is a game changer! NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, OK? You matter just as much as allos. I truly hope you find some friends who understand and accept you, and take your deep friendship seriously! Welcome to AVEN, btw! 🍰

[aces&eights]

Things get better after high school hang in there 🎂🍰 here’s some much needed cake for you

[AceMissBehaving]

Breaking up sucks no matter which part of the breakup you’re on. At first it’s awful, but it gets better, friendships can be healed, and new ones made.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.

 

The one thing I can give is some virtual cake 

[badbunny ll bonnie]

Dude I'm so sorry to hear about that. Just know it's not your fault, you never "screwed up" anything. As someone who's in the same enviorment, you are a teenager and you are still trying to grow. You were in an uncomfortable situation and you did the best you could and NO ONE can blame you. You forced yourself through with it for a year and did the best you could. You were emotionally distraught and struggling with commitments you didn't want to pkeep I was in a similar position with someone online I knew, only difference was that I went through with it. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but I did it and it still bothers me to this day. Rather than be sad about it, be proud that you were able to muster the courage for it. You're struggling now, but if you had kept up with it you would have been worse. At least now, you understand yourself better and understand you aren't weird for not wanting the same things others want in a relationship. Nothing is wrong with you dude.

[Guest]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-gf. It was purely platonic on my end and I was with her for nearly two years. Probably should have figured it out when I was being ahem v i c i o u s with male characters in my head but thought nothing of her. Funny how greysexuality works. Real people suck.