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No longer sexually attracted to partner


whiteant

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Hi all,

I am having some issues in my relationship. My partner is asexual and I am heterosexual. We've been dating for a couple years and we bonded quite well emotionally. We enjoyed cuddling and physically being close with each other. We tried sex once but I didn't really enjoy it so I didn't initiate it again. I was fine with just being close to him. My sexual desire slowly faded and I didn't care too much initially because to me it seemed like it would just make the relationship easier if I didn't want to have sex too. Once or twice a month I'd have this need that I need to be touched so I would masturbate. It normally would take care of the urge and it was also easier because I was spending time with him a few times a week and I slept over most weekends. I moved away for school last year and now we're in a long-distance relationship. I recently realized that I am no longer sexually attracted to him. I don't remember when this started, maybe it was my sexual attraction to him that faded when I said that my sexual desire went away. This is challenging because I don't know how to revive that attraction. I know that there are things that we could try like being physical with each other and starting slow again but it's hard when we are so far away from each other and the pandemic now makes traveling much harder.

 

Does anybody have any advice or suggestion?

 

Thanks!

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Why do you NEED to have sexual attraction to him since your relationship isn’t sexual?  

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I am concerned because I still have sexual desires. He's open to exploring more when we see each other again and I feel bad that I am no longer attracted to him.

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anisotrophic

Develop a kink for someone not being attracted to you?

 

(I can’t tell if I’m joking. 😕 )

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Ah, this is more color than what I just replied to - I agree with CBC.  Why not just be friends and find a romantic (sexual) relationship with someone more compatible?  Just a thought. 

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anisotrophic

Honestly when I get in a zone feeling like I’m not attracted to my partner because he isn’t attracted to me... it’s the combination of his sexual availability and sleeping (literally) together that eventually leads to me feeling sexual desire. The physical contact, knowledge that I am likely to get what I ask for, that’s it’s completely safe to ask, reduced inhibitions when I’m relaxed — so —

 

I don’t know what would happen if we weren’t physically together like that. I don’t have advice given your physical separation.

 

I don’t consider sex to be bad since I can ask for what I want, I know what options are on the list. I can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me. So... “sexual availability” is the most I can fantasize about anyway, and he gives me that.

 

I felt worse about this in the past. I think T helped — I don’t feel so female anymore, being desired doesn’t seem nearly as important — but maybe it was just acceptance.

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brbdogsonfire
15 hours ago, CBC said:

If you're not sexually attracted to him and you're a sexual person with sexual desires, I'll be honest... this probably isn't a relationship that's going to work in the long term. Amongst other things for sure, no mutual desire and passion is one reason I lost interest in my ex. If I can't connect that way with someone, the relationship isn't going to be viable for me.

Agreed. It sounds like OP is already aware this is the realistic outcome.

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Thanks for replying, everyone! I really appreciate your input! :)

 

15 hours ago, CBC said:

If you're not sexually attracted to him and you're a sexual person with sexual desires, I'll be honest... this probably isn't a relationship that's going to work in the long term. Amongst other things for sure, no mutual desire and passion is one reason I lost interest in my ex. If I can't connect that way with someone, the relationship isn't going to be viable for me.

CBC, I understand what you're saying. I am aware that this is an issue, and will continue to be one if we don't do anything about it. I'm willing to try because we've bonded so well in other aspects, it's just so hard to give up this relationship.

 

15 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Develop a kink for someone not being attracted to you?

 

(I can’t tell if I’m joking. 😕 )

Hah, I could try but I doubt it'll work for me.

(I'm sorry. :( )

 

15 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Ah, this is more color than what I just replied to - I agree with CBC.  Why not just be friends and find a romantic (sexual) relationship with someone more compatible?  Just a thought. 

I thought about this recently. My insecurities also creep in, what happens if we break up and I couldn't find someone that I could connect emotionally and physically? I will regret ending the relationship etc. I know it's not healthy to dwell on this kind of thoughts and I'm working on it, but it's something that still bothers me unfortunately :(

 

13 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Honestly when I get in a zone feeling like I’m not attracted to my partner because he isn’t attracted to me... it’s the combination of his sexual availability and sleeping (literally) together that eventually leads to me feeling sexual desire. The physical contact, knowledge that I am likely to get what I ask for, that’s it’s completely safe to ask, reduced inhibitions when I’m relaxed — so —

 

I don’t know what would happen if we weren’t physically together like that. I don’t have advice given your physical separation.

 

I don’t consider sex to be bad since I can ask for what I want, I know what options are on the list. I can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me. So... “sexual availability” is the most I can fantasize about anyway, and he gives me that.

 

I felt worse about this in the past. I think T helped — I don’t feel so female anymore, being desired doesn’t seem nearly as important — but maybe it was just acceptance.

Yeah I agree, I really miss the companionship and waking up next to him. This is also why I feel like this is something that can be fixed once we are close to each other again. We've discussed our sexual incompatibilities recently and he said he's willing to try things. I still feel bad/awful sometimes asking for sex because I know he doesn't desire me. Although it does not bother him and sometimes it can be comfortable for him, I still don't feel wanted.

 

10 minutes ago, brbdogsonfire said:

Agreed. It sounds like OP is already aware this is the realistic outcome.

Yeah I started to think this might not work recently. I'm just bummed because we're really happy with each other, and I'm not ready to give up. I'm probably still in denial?

(Please put out the fire, those poor dogs.)

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  • 4 weeks later...

I decided to visit my partner and stay with him amidst this chaos. Things seem to get better, just being next to him makes me feel closer to him. We had conversations about sex, in person, for the first time in a very long time. The conversations were challenging to say the least. We talked about my lack of sexual attraction to him and our almost non-existent sexual intimacy. I told him that I would like to see if things would improve during this period that we stay together. He recognized that there's a chance that it won't work out between us and is worried and sad that this period would make or break our relationship. I felt really awful for telling him that, perhaps it was a mistake or I could have worded it better. We agreed to work on this while we're together and we will initiate when we want to try. We did try, but I had a hard time being vulnerable/open completely with him. I kept backing away. I don't really know why, it's very confusing to me because I trust him emotionally, but this feels different. We're still trying but I feel like I have this barrier myself that I need to overcome. This is new territory. I can't talk about this with anyone in my life and it's a lonely process, I guess I'm here for some support and suggestions on how to have hold a good/open conversation.

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anisotrophic

@whiteant I often have a lot of repulsion around my partner not wanting me, I'm scared of doing something to upset him, stuff that he's unhappy about. Scared he'll reject me in a cold way and I'll feel awful, unloved and inadequate. Sex is really vulnerable that way. He's had to be very reassuring at times. Do you think some of these reasons might be what's behind you feeling wary, afraid to be vulnerable?

Also… I'm more able to express my desire when I'm less inhibited by those fears, due to e.g. a little alcohol or not being totally awake. Less second-guessing myself, I guess.

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Thanks anisotrophic! Sometimes I feel like what we do will make him uncomfortable, I'm worried that he won't tell me how he actually feels. Although he tells me that he's fine with it but I feel like he's just doing it because I want it and he wants me to be happy. Another reason is probably because we've tried a couple times in the past but I didn't feel desired or satisfied, I think I'm concerned that it'll just be the same again. This is definitely something that I need to work on...

 

Some alcohol for me would probably help a little, I'll try it next time. Thanks! :)

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