Guest Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 Do any sex-repulsed aces with libidos have trouble un-linking arousal with sex? As a sex-repulsed ace with a low (and mostly mental) libido, it's hard for me to stay turned on for more than 1-2 minutes at a time because intrusive thoughts about arousal being related to sex, followed by anxiety in response to the thought of sex and a general 'Ew, gross' kind of feeling, pop into my head right when things are getting good. The intrusive thoughts then promptly turn me off like they're flipping a light switch. The thoughts stay there for a bit, in which time it is almost impossible to get back into the mental state in which I was before. Only when the thoughts take their leave can the light switch flip to the 'on' position. To better understand the issue, it would be helpful to know that math, particularly calculus, is the only thing in this world that turns me on. I've spoilered the rest of this paragraph in case my weird fetish is too weird (which I understand). I'm still a bit self-conscious about how weird this fetish is, because I don't know what would go on in most people's heads if they read the following. I went into a bit too much detail because (1) it's spoilered, and (2) I just need to write all of this down and feel less weird about it, so please indulge me. Spoiler A few fun facts: 1. My hands get turned on (as well as most of the rest of me) when I see an integral sign, and they get even more turned on when they make contact with the integral sign. 2. I've drawn several artistic pictures of integral signs for the pleasure of it, two of which are framed in my room. 3. I have a sheet that I did a lot of math on (which happens to be around me right now). The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus is written on a corner so it can be conveniently stuffed into my shirt. 4. As is implied in Fun Fact #3, I want to be very, very close to calculus. In essence, I want to be inside calculus and to have it inside me (i. e. mentally). One of the ways in which I do that is by reading/doing proofs. As an extremely understanding friend put it when I told them about my fetish, proofs are intimacy with math. (To clarify, "intimacy" does not imply intimacy as if math were its own being; I go into a rant about that in another thread, and I need not repeat that here.) 5. Becoming one with calculus is like going to heaven. Enough said. 6. The intangible tangibleness of calculus is a significant part of what makes it the sexiest kind of math I've done in my life. The combination of ethereal, unattainable perfection and a notation system that makes my hands squirm is what does the trick for me. In other words, I could have rephrased the first paragraph of this post as 'When I'm doing math and having a fun time, the intrusive thoughts steal my fun. Any suggestions about how to make the intrusive thoughts go away?' Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 I also find myself in a similar situation where if I become "involved" in the arousal, it quickly triggers feelings of shame/guilt/ disgust, which is why there must always be a division of me from what I do. Intrusive thoughts are also a pain to deal with because you can't really prevent them peer see but you can address them and sort of deconstruct them into what they are at the core. Easier said than done I know and it will take many attempts to do so. In a way, it's why, even against what I would consider my best judgement and most logical solution, I continue trying to expose myself more to the idea that there is nothing wrong with me or about me liking anything sexual. Has it worked this far? I would say yes though very limited. But I suppose it was a quick fix and a snap of the finger, I wouldn't be here now. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 *Just edited the thread title to better reflect what I was going for. *Looks at title 2 minutes later and realizes I made a typo, then promptly fixes it* Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 I think the response doesn't different much. Intrusive thoughts are a little like a compulsive behavior and the way compulsive behavior is addressed (to my knowledge anyways) is to recognize it, understand that it is a compulsive reaction rather than a thought one and dissect it to the point where its seen as nothing worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 Honestly this sounds like it may be verging on more like an abstract form of objectum sexuality than simply a fetish. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 3 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Honestly this sounds like it may be verging on more like an abstract form of objectum sexuality than simply a fetish. That's a valid point, and I have given this some thought in the past. However, I do not think of calculus as an independent entity that I would actually be able to engage with sexually. Maybe my description made it sound a bit like that because it's almost impossibly hard to get the point across the way I want to get it across. 'Abstract' is a nice word to use for this, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 23 hours ago, cAROlyn said: I want to be very, very close to calculus 23 hours ago, cAROlyn said: Becoming one with calculus is like going to heaven It was these that made me question, but you know your feelings best so I shall refrain from commenting further. If you ever want to reexamine though I'll be hanging around somewhere, probably in CHAOS Link to post Share on other sites
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