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What makes love romantic or aromantic?


inquisitive

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(Hi. I've been reading the AVEN forums for a number of months on and off; I think I'm asexual and probably aromantic.)

What makes an attraction to someone romantic or aromantic? For a while I was quite sure that any attraction I felt was entirely aromantic, but I've started to wonder. I tend to be attracted to people who I couldn't be romantically involved with anyway; professors or other people several decades older than me or children at least five or ten years younger. (I'm not particularly attracted to one gender over another in this respect either.) I'm not sure I'd describe my attractions as romantic per se, but I'm very fond of them and want -- certainly not to be sexually or even romantically involved with them, but just to have them like me better and treat me as an equal and love me in a familial manner, which I know can't happen because of our inherently unequal relationships. I think these attractions are generally intellectually based; sometimes there's an aesthetic attraction as well, but that's generally secondary; I really like a professor's ideas or way of explaining things or a child's playfulness and determinedness and feel an unrequited strong emotional bond to them that feels too strong to be dismissed as "aromantic", but certainly isn't (and shouldn't be) romantic in the normal sense of the word.

Help me out here?

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I can't answer your question (it's a toughie!), but I too have developed massive crushes on professors.

One in particular is 48 (I'm in my mid-20's). He's an ex-professor (married) and we still communicate even though it's been over a year since I've graduated from university. I feel comfortable in knowing that our friendship will never lead to anything. We simply share the same interests. I think, though, that at times he might think that I like him in a much more serious way. Of course, that's absolutely ridiculous.

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My interpretation of "aromantic" was that it meant not having attractions of any kind, but perhaps someone who identifies as aromantic could enlighten me, as well.

I get that kind of attraction to teachers, professors and other older/wiser folks fairly often. I call it intellectual infatuation. I just want to sit and pick their brains for hours, bask in the warm glow of their knowledge and wisdom.

I suppose I wouldn't classify that kind of attraction as romantic either. I do think of them as "crushes," but that's probably just because that's the framework I'm used to thinking in.

hmmm. Good question! Definitely food for thought.

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I'm not really sure myself. In all relationships my desire, more than anything, is to have someone I can trust. Just to have someone I don't have to be guarded around, who I don't have to be careful what I say and don't say with. Also someone I feel comfortable sleeping in the presence of. I have trouble sleeping with other people in the room. There are a total of 3 people I know who meet these qualifications. But there are certainly other people I know who I'd like to be able to trust this way.

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My interpretation of "aromantic" was that it meant not having attractions of any kind, but perhaps someone who identifies as aromantic could enlighten me, as well.

When I read the title I thought the same thing. That is certainly the way I've always seen it.

But after reading the post, I think I have an idea about what you mean. I've never seen love described as aromantic (by which I presume you mean loving friends and family).

To answer your question, it does depend what you consider to be attraction. I do consider myself aromantic, and I've never experienced anything like attraction, or at least what I consider it to be. There have been a few people I wanted to be friends with, but I know it was never in a romantic way.

I think you are trying to ask about the difference bewteen romantic relationships and friendships? If so, there are quite a few threads on the topic. There was a good one fairly recently, I'll try and find it.....here it is

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=18753

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My interpretation of "aromantic" was that it meant not having attractions of any kind, but perhaps someone who identifies as aromantic could enlighten me, as well.

I get that kind of attraction to teachers, professors and other older/wiser folks fairly often. I call it intellectual infatuation. I just want to sit and pick their brains for hours, bask in the warm glow of their knowledge and wisdom.

I suppose I wouldn't classify that kind of attraction as romantic either. I do think of them as "crushes," but that's probably just because that's the framework I'm used to thinking in.

hmmm. Good question! Definitely food for thought.

Well, yes. I identify as being aromantic, as I have never experienced a "crush", but I do like talking to a number of people that share similar viewpoints to my own or are able to hold my intellectual interests for more than a few minutes.

However, I do not understand the urgent and intense feeling that romantics describe when they are talking about a significant other. It is as foreign a concept to me as a sex drive.

It could also be that everyone's perception of romantic vs. aromantic could be different.

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It's possible that the distinction between romanticism and aromanticism is a fuzzy one. Maybe there are many people who are clearly romantic and some who are clearly aromantic, but others are in a "kinda sorta" space in the middle. (In that vein, it could be a lot like the sexuality continuum - there are more "gray-As" and hyposexuals here than you might think at first glance.)

There are some people here who reject the dichotomy of romantic vs. aromantic in favour of "community-based intimacy" - basically, in this model, one makes friends and gets intimate (nonsexually, since it's AVEN) with whoever one darn well pleases, keeping most of the emotional intensity of romanticism but discarding a lot of the baggage that goes with it, such as expectations of sexuality and exclusivity.

Ultimately, labels can be helpful, but which ones you choose matters less than getting comfortable with the idiosincratic ways in which you tick, and using that knowledge to make the sorts of choices that are best for you and those around you.

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I'm aromantic, but I'm also very passionate.

I become literally obsessive with things I like, songs, movies, actors, etc. If it's a song, it makes me incredibly happy, energetic, it makes me want to scream and cry, do anything so long as I do something. Same with attraction to people. The way they move, the way they talk, the general aura around them, as vits3k put it "AWOOOGA!"

However, I think it's way different than romantic attraction. I don't really feel like doing anything to them, talking with them, getting married to them, living with them, whatever. It usually doesn't have much to do with how they are as a person, they just sort of... click. Just watching them, experiencing, and "AWOOGA!"ing is enough. I actually can't think of anything that I would like to do more than simply "AWOOGA!".

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I'm one of those who doesn't identify as either romantic or aromantic, as Hallu mentioned. The terms just don't make as much sense to me. Like she said, I still have as close & intimate relationships as people who identify as romantic, I just structure & think about my relationships differently.

I'd just like to point out that not everyone who doesn't do the whole romantic vs. aromantic thing uses the terms "community & partner based intimacy"- they're rather new terms, and they don't accurately fit everyone... I definitely think the terms are useful for me, but I'm not sure yet how well they fit me. Some people just don't bother coming up with terms.

Anyway- I think most people have differing views as to what "romantic" is, and what "aromantic" is. I doubt there will ever be a concrete definition.

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*aromantic raises hand*

I consider myself aromantic int hat I don't get crushes on people, I've never fallen in love or anything like that.

However is some senses I am romantic. I like to believe that people can fall in love, even though it;s not something that happens for me.

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However is some senses I am romantic. I like to believe that people can fall in love, even though it;s not something that happens for me.

Oh, well, yeah, I feel that way, too. I wouldn't think being aromantic would make you against romance any more than it would make asexuals against sex. Same with attraction.

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ChildOfTheLight
There are some people here who reject the dichotomy of romantic vs. aromantic in favour of "community-based intimacy" - basically, in this model, one makes friends and gets intimate (nonsexually, since it's AVEN) with whoever one darn well pleases, keeping most of the emotional intensity of romanticism but discarding a lot of the baggage that goes with it, such as expectations of sexuality and exclusivity.

Oooh! Oooh! Me! Me! *jumps up and down*

That's exactly what I want, although I didn't call it that.

Another dichotomy that I break. Haha. Awesome.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Rainbow Amoeba

I identify as aromantic, according to my own definition of it. First, I'm not sentimental (I don't like candle dinners, flowers, kissing, holding hands and all that stuff). Second, I don't want to be in a romantic relationship because I'm too independent for that and I don't understand why some of my friends seem to live only for their boyfriend. I don't understand why so many people think it's important (essential, for some) to be involved in a romantic relationship. But I know it's important to many people and I'm glad for them when they are in a happy relationship, but I don't wish it would happen to me.

I thought I was in love a couple of times when I was younger, but now when I think about it I realize I just admired someone very much, wanted to be close to that person and be regarded as highly by him/her as I regarded him/her. It happened several times. I never became any of these people's girlfriend, but I became close friends with some of them and I was so happy that way that I wondered why I had bothered wanting to date them. What I wanted was what a relationship means (being close and important to someone, do things together, trust each other), not a relationship.

I am sometimes attracted to people, but it's a weird attraction that leads nowhere. I just like to think about the person (and, if it's someone I personally know and admire, I want him/her to think highly of me, but that's all). Now that I have thought about what a romantic relationship is, I know that's not what I want.

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