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Friendships For An Asexual


will123

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I have a few female friends that I'm in contact with. A couple I've known since I was a teen (I'm 58) and a couple more recently in life. I feel blessed to know them because as most of you know, trying to meet members of the opposite gender is difficult. The one person I met 17 years ago (a couple of years before I found out about asexuality), The last I've known thru her ex-boyfriend. Even though they split up a couple of years ago, we're in almost daily contact. I feel that if I had known about asexuality, I doubt I would've connected with the former. At the time I still thought I was straight and met up thru our common interest in snowmobiling.

 

Over the last couple of years, I've come out to all of them and they were very understanding

 

Anyways, I'll finish up with a question. for those of you that have friends of the opposite gender, do you feel thankful to have them as friends?

 

I know some asexuals, especially those newly identified as such, worry about growing older alone. 

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Some of my best friends are the "opposite gender", more or less given what that means to me. They've been friends since college and I would always be honest with them, even thogh I haven't actually seen them in years (we communicate online frequently). I never really considered them much different than my other friends, though, they are just friends. The thought of being romantic with them never even crossed my mind, even back then. They are just who they are, nothing special. I feel less alone around them though, if that is what you mean.

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5 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

Some of my best friends are the "opposite gender", more or less given what that means to me. They've been friends since college and I would always be honest with them, even thogh I haven't actually seen them in years (we communicate online frequently). I never really considered them much different than my other friends, though, they are just friends. The thought of being romantic with them never even crossed my mind, even back then. They are just who they are, nothing special. I feel less alone around them though, if that is what you mean.

Same here!

 

The one one girl that I've known since I was 19 and her 17, I considered her more a 'buddy' than a friend if that makes sense. We'd hang out and do outdoors stuff without ANY sense of romance between us.

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The majority of my friends have been of the opposite sex since adolescence.  I've actually found it far more difficult to relate to most male peers.

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Lord Jade Cross
3 hours ago, will123 said:

 

Anyways, I'll finish up with a question. for those of you that have friends of the opposite gender, do you feel thankful to have them as friends?

 

I know some asexuals, especially those newly identified as such, worry about growing older alone. 

For the time they lasted, yes. But for whatever reason that people thought or developed romantic feelings for me, I'm ok with how things are now and that they remain as such. I don't feel lonely or anything because I've lived life pretty much with minimal amount of people around and they are always fleeting.

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, will123 said:

for those of you that have friends of the opposite gender, do you feel thankful to have them as friends?

Yes. That's because who they are as a person, not because who they (don't) want to bang though. However I do think that a certain credibility when it comes to not being interested played a huge role in forming intimate relationships.

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I have a lot of opposite gender colleagues and I get along much better with them than with my same gender colleagues.

 

I no longer have opposite gender best friends. Or the ones that I have are my friend's husbands/boyfriends. I value them a lot but I can't really see them as best friends. My only males best friends were actually gay.

 

So overall sexual considerations often got in the way of friendship. I guess that I was mostly to blame for this: I used to close like an oister not to get romantically involved. So not even giving people a chance. This is childish and I try to avoid this now.

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13 hours ago, Philip027 said:

The majority of my friends have been of the opposite sex since adolescence.  I've actually found it far more difficult to relate to most male peers.

I feel that having friends of the opposite sex is that it gives balance to one's well being.

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Maybe I'm an oddball here. Most of my friends are from AVEN. This includes my "best travelling companion" with whom we've both agreed that neither of us are ready for a relationship. I'd describe my circle of friends as around a dozen, and only two are not AVENistes 

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WanderingKate

I have a few opposite gender friendships, but all of my close friendships are same gender- I find it difficult to form close emotional friendships with men without them thinking something more is going on between us. I find that the majority of my close friendships are with straight women, as I can be emotionally intimate with them and tell them about my feelings without them thinking I'm trying for a romantic relationship. I know I'm generalizing here too, but I also have zero interest in a lot of stereotypical male interests that my male coworkers talk about in the break room, and I often find it difficult to get into their conversations. Luckily I find the close female friendships I do have to be very fulfilling emotionally and I've never really craved a male companion- if anything, if I think about wanting a queer-platonic partner someday, I always picture a female. 

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The two friends I am still most comfortable with are opposite sex. I don't know why, it just worked out that way. There is nothing special about it. T here just never was anything between us (they are both straight).

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@WanderingKate I do stuff with my guy friends , but I feel more comfortable just talking about stuff with my female friends.

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DarkStormyKnight

I have a couple of male friends that I connect closely to, in some ways I relate to them more than a lot of females and I'm not totally sure why. I nearly always have a close male friend in my life, with very few close female friends. When I was younger I think it was because I wasn't into a lot of "girly" things so we would bond over common interests, but that seems pretty juvenile now so I'm not totally sure why it is. And I often have a hard time pulling apart what kind of attraction I'm experiencing, so while for the most part I see all of my relationships as platonic, every once in a while I'll wonder if I'm flirting or something. But that's the same with my female friends for the most part.

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Rhyn Corinn

There are very few people irl that I could definitely call 'friends', and pretty much all of them are the opposite gender. My closest friend is actually my sister, so we've obviously known each other forever anyway. Besides her, there are several other people I could sort of call friends...? But then, I don't really know if I would, because I don't feel like I'm that close to most of them. There are a few people from my homeschool group that I could probably consider friends. Only one of these friends currently knows I'm ace (I actually found out about asexuality because they're ace too), and I guess lately I just feel like I can't really consider someone a 'close' friend if I haven't come out to them. It's probably just because I like to be a VERY open book and I don't think I'd want to spend much time with someone who didn't want me to open up and tell them those things. In some ways, I almost feel closer to my few AVEN friends than to friends irl just because everyone here already knows I'm asexual. 

 

Also, I have noticed that I would much rather make friends with girls than other guys. I just relate to girls so much better, and as I get older I'm realizing I relate to guys less and less than I previously thought. 

 

And I do worry about growing older alone, in a way, but in my case it's about wanting a romantic relationship rather than more friendships. Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have as many friends as I can, but I don't think I can be truly 'content' being single forever. But it is nice to know that I have a few friends, so I won't have to feel completely alone if I don't find a romantic partner.

 

So, yes, I am very thankful for the friends I have.

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AspieAlly613

I'm not ace, but yes, I'm thankful for my female friends (none of whom I'm romantically interested in).

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On 3/29/2020 at 4:31 AM, will123 said:

Anyways, I'll finish up with a question. for those of you that have friends of the opposite gender, do you feel thankful to have them as friends?

Well sure, I feel thankful to have all of my closest friends as friends, because they are awesome people and they make me happy. This includes male friends, but really I don't see their gender as important, I like them as people and what gender or bio sex they happen to be is irrelevant.

On 3/29/2020 at 4:31 AM, will123 said:

I know some asexuals, especially those newly identified as such, worry about growing older alone. 

I suppose I sort of worry about being old alone, but I don't think that worry is reserve for ace or aro people. In couples one normally outlives the other by a few years at least, children move away and concentrate on their own lives, loneliness in the elderly is an epidemic in the UK at least. 

 

 

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secrethamster

Obviously I'm thankful to have all my friends, because I get people to hang out with and talk to and form connections with. 

 

All of my best friends have been girls, but I also have a number of guy friends as well. Currently a group of 6 of us - 3 guys, 3 girls - are going into a third year of living together, and there's never been any fear of romance happening between people (except the couple who have been together since before our group formed). Most of my online friends are guys because I tend to only meet people through video games or here on AVEN. 

 

I am content for now, but I do fear being left alone as people start to pair off and move on with their lives. I'd like to find a QPP, but due to persistent pessimism I don't consider it an actual possibility. Instead, I will fill the void in my life with pets.

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I was implying that even though I may not be interested in romance with females, it's nice to have them as friends.

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hypnopompic
On 3/31/2020 at 1:00 AM, WanderingKate said:

I have a few opposite gender friendships, but all of my close friendships are same gender- I find it difficult to form close emotional friendships with men without them thinking something more is going on between us. I find that the majority of my close friendships are with straight women, as I can be emotionally intimate with them and tell them about my feelings without them thinking I'm trying for a romantic relationship.

This! I have stopped counting the number of times men mistook opening up emotionally and telling them about my feelings as a way of saying "Hey, I really want us to be more than friends!" What is up with that? How does talking about my emotions and inquiring about yours translate to wanting a relationship?

 

One of my best friends is male, we see each other at least once a week and spend a lot of time together because we both have the same interests and hobbies. But boy, did he almost ruin our friendship because he would not shut up about us going out. When I was seeing another guy, he went off on a jealous rant (per mail because acknowledging his feelings right in front of me? Never!) and it took me a five-page-document in Word to finally make him understand that if he dared bring up the subject of him and I being a couple one more time, he would never ever see me again. And he wasn't the only guy who had real trouble understanding the difference between being friendly and attentive and being romantically interested.

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This! I have stopped counting the number of times men mistook opening up emotionally and telling them about my feelings as a way of saying "Hey, I really want us to be more than friends!" What is up with that? How does talking about my emotions and inquiring about yours translate to wanting a relationship?

I can tell you at least part of it is because it's socially un-kosher for guys to talk about "feelings" with other guys.  It's not something a lot of them are used to, therefore it's easier for it to be mistaken for something special.

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