2XD Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 So Im ace myself and through the community learned about QPRs. To me, it seems super odd, as Im definitely a "heteroromantic relationship" kind of girl, just without sex. (Not odd as in invalid or anything like that. Its just not something that would work for me) Buuuuut, reading some QPR success stories etc, has kind of reminded me of my sister. She hasn't had a bf since 2009, I believe and she had a few super close female friends. And Ive kinda wondered sometimes if she could be gay, but she's also super into male actors. I have never been super close with girls. I have some female friends, but never like her. Currently she has a girl friend who she talks about very enthusiastically and they spend so much time together and they plan surprises for each other and hearing about their relationship really almost sounds like a romantic relationship. I dont know if she knows about this community at all, or even ever thought about it. Its not something "regular" people just know about or is seen as an option. But I was wondering if anyone has advice on how I can maybe bring up the topic in a casual way to get her to even think about it. She has been pretty unlucky with relationships, especially romantic ones, and I want her to be happy. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like this might be what would make her happy. And of course it doesn't matter what you label a relationship, but from stories Ive read on here, it seems to make a big difference for people in QPRs and they tend to be very relieved that this is an acceptable option and that there are other people out there that are happy in these kind of relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
alto Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 I was very happy to find out about QPRs. Yes, they have caused me more confusion in figuring myself out overall. However, I think knowing about them still is worthwhile. I suggest you find an article on the internet by someone who is actually in a QPR, describing what that relationship is like for them. There used to be a good one on The Pursuit of Harpyness, but that blog shut down. Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 It's kind of weird to me how thruples seem to be getting more love than non-sexual LTRs (kinda iffy on the use of the word "queer" in this context.) Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 I think the phrase QPR is a bit odd – I think… Well, I've come to interpret "aromanticism" as meaning "no limerence" – not "falling in love" – but limerence is not a state that extends indefinitely. After falling in love, relationships hopefully progress to a state of "love" that is more akin to other strong bonds – close friends and family. All good relationships should hope to get there someday. "QPR" would then seem to refer to strong bonds that aren't sexual, and don't have an initial, reciprocated "in love" start to them? Developing a strong bond over time, without having "fallen in love"? (And a sexual relationship without an "in love" phase is… FWB, I suppose?) Is it "queer" in the way that "poly" is queer? (And is FWB "queer"?) An affirmation of alternate modalities for strong bonds, for people not conforming to current norms of sexual/romantic behavior & experience. An affirmation that aromantic asexual individuals may still experience deep love and loyalty – just, without a head-over-heels "in love" phase (and without sex). At the same time it might be marking a fairly normal thing (deep friendship in the absence of an "in love" phase) as unusual or specific to aromantic people (which I'd wager it's not). (Personally, I haven't formed deep friendship/bond/whatever without an "in love" phase on my part, whether the relationship had some sexual aspect or not. I think that's partly just me; I think I'm not good at making strong, lasting friendships.) It also makes me wonder to what extent sexual desire is entangled with these phases. Some people feel little desire for sex in the absence of being "in love"; waning limerence is associated with a loss of sexual desire/interest for some – people try to "bring back a spark", to "rekindle" that initial desire. (Not true for me; I've had an FWB, my sexual desire never faded in a long term relationship.) If someone doesn't experience limerence and has little desire for sex in the absence of an "in love" state, they are… asexual, as a result? Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Part of my annoyance with that specific phrase is that the intense focus on "romance" as the exclusive foundation long-term family relationships is ethnocentric as heck, and the product of some pretty radical changes in family structure after WWII. If you look across cultures and history, people do long-term family relationships for a wide variety of reasons. I'm unconvinced that in a read of Pride and Prejudice Charlotte Lucas is queer for engaging in the kind of transactional marriage that everyone was trying to push the two protagonists into. That transactional dimension to marriage is the regency establishment at work, and the happy ending involves winning the trifecta of love, respectability, AND financial security. Then there's probably a gap between love as a noun people vs. love as a verb people. I'm possibly unreasonably biased in favor of the latter since infatuation has gotten me into multiple abusive relationships, so I'm not one to consider crushes and infatuation as a good start to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 13 hours ago, KiraS said: Part of my annoyance with that specific phrase is that the intense focus on "romance" as the exclusive foundation long-term family relationships is ethnocentric as heck, and the product of some pretty radical changes in family structure after WWII. If you look across cultures and history, people do long-term family relationships for a wide variety of reasons. I'm unconvinced that in a read of Pride and Prejudice Charlotte Lucas is queer for engaging in the kind of transactional marriage that everyone was trying to push the two protagonists into. That transactional dimension to marriage is the regency establishment at work, and the happy ending involves winning the trifecta of love, respectability, AND financial security. But a transactional marriage like Charlotte went into, where she didn't even like her husband and just needed any man who could care for her since she was a burden to her family.... is not a QPR at all. So, it wouldn't really fit what the OP is talking about. 22 hours ago, anisotrophic said: I think the phrase QPR is a bit odd – I think… Well, I've come to interpret "aromanticism" as meaning "no limerence" – not "falling in love" – but limerence is not a state that extends indefinitely. After falling in love, relationships hopefully progress to a state of "love" that is more akin to other strong bonds – close friends and family. All good relationships should hope to get there someday. I don't see it as the same as no limerence, tbh. I experience limerence for about 6 months, then it fades. But, what remains, is romantic love that doesn't fade and is vastly different to any platonic love I feel for family, or friends. Whether it's non-sexual romantic love (my last four relationships) or sexual romantic love (my current). Aromantics on the other hand... don't feel this. And, those who are more "demiromantic", don't feel it until deep into a relationship. My partner is more "demi", she didn't feel it until deep into a relationship. She's got platonic relationships, ones that are quite strong and long and I at times feel in rivalry about they are so important to her (if QPR was a label she cared about, I'm pretty sure it'd fit her and her best friend).. but there is a very, very distinct difference between them and me and also between me now and me before she developed those romantic feelings. Many people do "fall out of love" in a relationship, this is true. If a good friendship remains, it can still work. But, plenty of people maintain that romantic love through very long-term relationships. My Uncle is going on ... 45? years with his wife, high school sweethearts and they are still gooey sticky sweet romantic in love with each other. My longest relationship lasted 10 years, romantic feelings never faded. My current is going on 4 years and limerence faded a while ago, but romantic love is still quite strong and I'm hoping for the same 45+ years length my Uncle has. I don't think for me the romantic ones ever fade, until a breakup and needed time apart forces it to. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 17 hours ago, Serran said: I don't see it as the same as no limerence, tbh. I experience limerence for about 6 months, then it fades. But, what remains, is romantic love that doesn't fade and is vastly different to any platonic love I feel for family, or friends. Whether it's non-sexual romantic love (my last four relationships) or sexual romantic love (my current). Aromantics on the other hand... don't feel this. And, those who are more "demiromantic", don't feel it until deep into a relationship. My partner is more "demi", she didn't feel it until deep into a relationship. She's got platonic relationships, ones that are quite strong and long and I at times feel in rivalry about they are so important to her (if QPR was a label she cared about, I'm pretty sure it'd fit her and her best friend).. but there is a very, very distinct difference between them and me and also between me now and me before she developed those romantic feelings. Many people do "fall out of love" in a relationship, this is true. If a good friendship remains, it can still work. But, plenty of people maintain that romantic love through very long-term relationships. My Uncle is going on ... 45? years with his wife, high school sweethearts and they are still gooey sticky sweet romantic in love with each other. My longest relationship lasted 10 years, romantic feelings never faded. My current is going on 4 years and limerence faded a while ago, but romantic love is still quite strong and I'm hoping for the same 45+ years length my Uncle has. I don't think for me the romantic ones ever fade, until a breakup and needed time apart forces it to. This fits with my experience, too. Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 19 hours ago, Serran said: But a transactional marriage like Charlotte went into, where she didn't even like her husband and just needed any man who could care for her since she was a burden to her family.... is not a QPR at all. So, it wouldn't really fit what the OP is talking about. Sure, that's the point. Marriage as an economic, status, or companionship relationship has been a cultural norm more often than not. My relationship is queer because we're two bisexual and nonbinary people transitioning together. It's not at all queer because we're two 50-ish people who don't have sex with each other. In fact American culture has some wicked mixed messages that everyone should be having sex, but people over 50 having sex is disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
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