Am I asexual?

[lia.t.]

A few months ago I was pretty sure I was asexual because I’m 17 and have had no attraction or crushes. However recently I’ve been wondering if I may be a lesbian. I’m aesthetically attracted to girls and I like the idea of having a girlfriend and having sex. The only thing is there’s no one I’d want to date or do anything with. Have I just “not met the right person”? Maybe I am a lesbian and I’ve closed myself off too much by telling myself I’m asexual?  I’m just confused because I’ve never had an inkling of a crush before and I feel like I could be either a lesbian or asexual if that makes sense. Thanks for any advice you may have. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

53 minutes ago, lia.t. said:

A few months ago I was pretty sure I was asexual because I’m 17 and have had no attraction or crushes. However recently I’ve been wondering if I may be a lesbian. I’m aesthetically attracted to girls and I like the idea of having a girlfriend and having sex.

This should hint at that you're not asexual

53 minutes ago, lia.t. said:

The only thing is there’s no one I’d want to date or do anything with. Have I just “not met the right person”? Maybe I am a lesbian and I’ve closed myself off too much by telling myself I’m asexual?  I’m just confused because I’ve never had an inkling of a crush before and I feel like I could be either a lesbian or asexual if that makes sense. Thanks for any advice you may have. 

I know this is still a die hard question (was the same when I was your age don't worry) but there isn't any need to have to have these answers set in stone when you're barely beginning to grow up.

 

Some people develop this sooner, others later. Some may go all their lives and suddenly a single person causes a monumental difference that changes ones whole perspective (there are some members here who have experienced that) and some never change. 

 

Just take things one step at a time. No need to have you're whole sexual/romantic identity print and pressed before you turn 18

 

 

 

[hypnopompic]

1 hour ago, Jade Cross said:

2 hours ago, lia.t. said:

I’m aesthetically attracted to girls and I like the idea of having a girlfriend and having sex.

This should hint at that you're not asexual

 

I don't agree. Liking the idea of having a partner and having sex at that age is no clear indication for not being asexual. After all, this is what society has molded us to expect from a relationship.

 

The fact that you say you are "aesthetically attracted" to girls is far more telling, as far as I'm concerned. This simply means that you like looking at certain girls because you consider them beautiful, correct? But no one has ever struck you as attractive, desireable or sexy, you've never felt a pull or a tingle when looking at someone? Could be that you are indeed asexual or simply not interested because you haven't met someone worth your attention and affection. But honestly? I think it is super hard to know for sure if you are asexual if you have never experienced a relationship or even sex, at least for sex-positive or sex-indifferent asexuals. But you're young, so you have time to figure things out.

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

52 minutes ago, hypnopompic said:

I don't agree. Liking the idea of having a partner and having sex at that age is no clear indication for not being asexual. After all, this is what society has molded us to expect from a relationship.

Once again I feel that for sex-averse people it's much easier to determine whether they are asexual. Sex-indifferent people don't have this immediate jerk reaction to the idea of having sex, the might have sex "because everyone does" (which isn't true) or "because it's the thing to do" (no, it isn't either, It's the wrong thing to do for everyone who doesn't want to) and only realise later that they don't enjoy it, feel no desire... For me it's easier: the idea of personally having sex feels so deeply frightening that my only possible response to the differentiating question "Do you feel a desire for sex?" is an obvious "NO!!!!!!!!".

[hypnopompic]

5 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Once again I feel that for sex-averse people it's much easier to determine whether they are asexual. Sex-indifferent people don't have this immediate jerk reaction to the idea of having sex, the might have sex "because everyone does" (which isn't true) or "because it's the thing to do" (no, it isn't either, It's the wrong thing to do for everyone who doesn't want to) and only realise later that they don't enjoy it, feel no desire... For me it's easier: the idea of personally having sex feels so deeply frightening that my only possible response to the differentiating question "Do you feel a desire for sex?" is an obvious "NO!!!!!!!!".

Absolutely! If the idea of having sex freaks you out or disgusts you, then it's a no-brainer. But it is so much more complex when you're pretty much indifferent to the idea of sex or even interested in it. But very often (at least for me and the very few other asexuals I've talked to) this curiosity is not fuelled by desire or attraction; it is simply new territory to be discovered, a new experience to be had. I only found out about my asexuality after having sex! Well, no, it was not that simple. Over the course of my relationship with my first boyfriend, the suspicion that I might be asexual had crept up on me. To really confirm it though, I agreed to date a man who was very experienced in the "arts of the bedroom" and had been with a lot of women, so I thought he must know that he's doing, right? But when all of those encounters turned out to be as bland, boring and mind-numbingly dumb as all the ones with my first boyfriend, I officially considered my asexuality confirmed.

[Janus the Fox]

While we cannot determine anyone’s sexuality, it’s only a matter of figuring out it by ones self.  It is true that aesthetics is well within the ace spectrum, finding a significant other and gradually feeling differently is another.  It is a potential that anything happens within a relationship over time.  The area of Demisexuality has much of that covered.  Latent Sexuality discovery too is normal.  

[Lord Jade Cross]

5 hours ago, hypnopompic said:

Absolutely! If the idea of having sex freaks you out or disgusts you, then it's a no-brainer. But it is so much more complex when you're pretty much indifferent to the idea of sex or even interested in it. But very often (at least for me and the very few other asexuals I've talked to) this curiosity is not fuelled by desire or attraction; it is simply new territory to be discovered, a new experience to be had. I only found out about my asexuality after having sex! Well, no, it was not that simple. Over the course of my relationship with my first boyfriend, the suspicion that I might be asexual had crept up on me. To really confirm it though, I agreed to date a man who was very experienced in the "arts of the bedroom" and had been with a lot of women, so I thought he must know that he's doing, right? But when all of those encounters turned out to be as bland, boring and mind-numbingly dumb as all the ones with my first boyfriend, I officially considered my asexuality confirmed.

My views on sex have changed over time from it being an interesting concept to repulsion and hating anything sexual to a more neutral stance on it.

 

When younger it seemed pretty straight forward, then as I got older it became more confusing and finally now I can't really see sex outside a mechanical spectrum. It's fortunately or unfortunately the only way my mind can process it

 

Does that still make me ace? I'm not sure. I'm hesitant to use the label now even if for all practical purposes I am asexual.

 

[lia.t.]

Thanks for all the support and advice. It’s always relieving to see the reminder that there is no pressure to label myself as soon as possible