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My partner just came out as asexual


tbone1212

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I am sure that many similar situations have been posted here, but it just seemed a little overwheling trying to go through them all to look for pertinent advice. I am a bisexual woman dating a woman who very recently came out as asexual. For context on our relationship, we have been dating for around 9 months, but she has been one of my closest friends for nearly 2 years before we started dating. I cannot explain how deeply I love this girl, that being said, with her coming out, of which I am totally supportive, I find it hard not to feel rejected when she tells me that she is not sexually attracted to me (I have pretty major depression and general self-confidence issues). I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to proceed or some words of encoragement. As it stands, im not willing to break up and I would rather find some compromise that allows us to both be satisfied. At the moment it just feels especially hard because it's neww and I don't care for sex devoid of the emotional connection that comes with a romantic relationship, so an open relationship seems like a farfetched option as well. I just want to better understand and hear about other similar experiences. 

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brbdogsonfire

I'm a sexual male in a relationship with an asexual female. Knowing my SO was not attracted to me was hard to deal with at first even though I knew she was asexual. As we were together longer my brain was finally able to process and fully accept that she was not attracted to me not due to my flaws but because she doesn't feel attraction. So although I knew that was the case it took a while to really integrate that into my feelings and it doesn't bother me at all anymore. We have been together 6 years and are getting married eventually if the world is not still plague infested.

 

Attraction here did mean sexual attraction as a disclaimer.

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hypnopompic
3 hours ago, tbone1212 said:

I cannot explain how deeply I love this girl, that being said, with her coming out, of which I am totally supportive, I find it hard not to feel rejected when she tells me that she is not sexually attracted to me (I have pretty major depression and general self-confidence issues).

I cannot give you any advice regarding your sex life but I can tell you that you should not take the absence of sexual attraction personally. I know this is kind of a weird comparison but it has always worked for me when trying to explain this particular problem to a friend: Imagine your partner surprises you with a home-cooked meal that she slaved over for two hours. And you feel happy and appreciated and loved but then you take one look at the meal and it's fish. Problem is: You don't like fish. It's not awful, you could eat it to avoid offending her but you really don't care for the taste. So you tell her. It's not that you think she's a horrible chef, it's not that you don't trust her in the kitchen, it's not that you think the meal doesn't look good, it's just you don't like fish. Should she take it personally? No, of course not because this has nothing to do with her.

 

So how could you take it personally if your asexual partner, who by definition cannot feel attracted to anyone, is not sexually attracted to you?

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Oh, I really dislike that word ‘compromise’. I would prefer agreement or solution. What is the compromise between never and every day? 
Well! List the options. What do you want, need, are okay with....   touch, kiss, sex, sex with toys, others...?

this is our agreement: sex Happens by an mutually agreed upon schedule. Mostly an aid for my masturbation. Occasionally she like it when i reciprocate. Often simple and quick. No expectations. Wordless. 
it is still hard though! I sure miss being mutually wanted

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anisotrophic

My advice is to seek to communicate really well on this topic (i.e. sexuality), with empathy, recognizing and caring about the very different experiences you may each have.

 

In particular, it's valuable to discuss the emotional aspects sexuality may have (or not), in particular its connection to feeling and expressing love. (Communicating love is an important aspect of a relationship; people may have different intuitions, but they should still want their partner to feel loved.) Also discussing one's experience of attraction and desire (e.g. fleeting thoughts, fantasies, spontaneous and responsive desire), arousal, and whether sex itself is pleasant, unpleasant, and what makes it good/bad/stressful/etc.

Almost nobody finds "being stressed" an aphrodisiac, and asexuality can often come entangled with stress about what one "should" feel, do, and lack thereof – which does nobody any good – so taking sex off the table can help a lot (zero pressure). But "no sex" is often not an indefinitely happy solution for both partners, and sexual partners can get mixed up with their own feelings of guilt regarding their desire & expression of sexuality. This can go in a couple directions in the long run, it depends on the couple & what's already happened & communication – if they've already stopped having sex, that's unlikely to reverse; but if they haven't, and one partner is sexual (and wants it), there's a chance it resumes once everyone reaches a better place of empathy, acceptance, and understanding of each other.

 

PS to add: the feeling of rejection is hard to just wave away (with all due respect, it's not at all like a food preference – it's like someone shrugging you off when you want to hug them) – don't try to just be tough here – I think it's important for asexual partners to find other ways to make their partner feel "wanted".

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