Fraysexual or Gray-A?

[littlegeex]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. I have always known about asexuality but never given it a second thought until now. I have been so clueless to the spectrum within asexuality.

 

I met my boyfriend over a year ago, and initially we were sexually active. He very much has this drive.. but I do not. I am still so very much in love with him and have never connected to someone so emotionally before, but I just do not want or rarely crave sex.

 

I don't know much about gray-a or fraysexual, but I feel as though my situation makes more sense with these terms.

 

Can someone familiarise these terms to me as someone new to the community with no clue how to begin?

[dangerousPerson]

Gray-a is a big umbrella term for people who don't identify fully with aromatic or asexual. It can mean having just some sexual/romantic attraction, and/or conditional attraction. Fraysexual and frayromantic both fall under gray-a and can be considered to be conditional. If it's just about sexual attraction, "graysexual" or variations of can be used. I prefer using "a-spectrum" or "aspec". Sounds cooler.

 

Fraysexual refers to only having sexual attraction to those you don't know well or at least do not have a bond with. I'm guessing you've looked this up since you even know the word. No hard edges on what these can mean. Personally, I lose attraction very quickly, like spending more than 20 minutes with someone. If you were sexually attracted to your boyfriend at first, but then lost it, fraysexual may be the word for you. I don't like using it because no one knows what it means so what's the point. However, just because you had regular sex and maybe even enjoyed it doesn't mean you were sexually attracted to him in the first place. I don't know, but all you mention is the sex itself, not how you felt about it. You can enjoy and even want sex without having sexual attraction. If you want to get off, you can bring a friend along. Common perceptions lump sexual attraction, romantic attraction, sexual desire, and other such things all together. It can be hard to tell whether what you feel is what other people feel. If you're missing some but not all, how do you figure out what's going on? What even is attraction

 

Did you want/crave sex with your boyfriend or other people before? Maybe not an easy question to answer. If you see or meet people and like the idea of having sex with them, you probably do have sexual attraction. It's likely that you just need confirmation on being fraysexual, but it's good to assess whether you're perceiving things in the right light to begin with. I would make a guess that you don't have other reference points in your life for this. If this had happened to you multiple times, it would be a lot easier to pin things down. I've had many, many reference points with that 20-minute window. However, I'm very picky with friends and hate people, so I assumed it was just because of that. All kinds will tell you about how normal it is to lose interest in people.

 

Using "gray-a" can make things simpler. Did I feel attraction before? Maybe? I don't know. You're not interested now, and that's what matters more. Maybe that damn Society made you think you wanted to jump your bf's bones in the first place. Sexuality is fluid. You could have just became asexual on your own, nothing to do with your bond with your man. It could come back, who knows. Probably not. So many questions. Can just say "fuck it. I'm something like that. whatever."

 

I hope you're talking with the beau about this. You might not mind the sex, but either way communication y'know.

 

Also, hey cool a person who's also (maybe) fraysexual! Wow! I've found it extremely frustrating and often wish I was just fully asexual (and aromantic since I'm fray there too).

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox, Questions about Asexuality & Open Mic Moderator