confused about relationship with S/O, send halp

[fieldfare]

Here's the deal: I'm an open book, my way of dealing with stuff is talk. I talk constantly and about anything and everything (depends on with who though). I feel closeness to someone by trust. I find trust when we can share and talk. For example, my closest friend and I are really close because we can talk about anything to each other, deep and not so deep stuff, everything in between. I trust that friend more than anyone. 

My S/O is the opposite. He can't uphold a real conversation, whenever the topic gets serious, they back out of the situation. He can do small talk and chit chat and he's kind and good hearted but I can't get through to him about what's going on inside his head. And I don't feel comfortable around him for that reason. I do not know what to do and this is taking a lot of my headspace and it bothers me. Are we too different or am I too shallow for being insecure about us for this?

[Lord Jade Cross]

have you spoken to your partner about why they prefer to remain quiet?

 

[brbdogsonfire]

4 hours ago, fieldfare said:

Here's the deal: I'm an open book, my way of dealing with stuff is talk. I talk constantly and about anything and everything (depends on with who though). I feel closeness to someone by trust. I find trust when we can share and talk. For example, my closest friend and I are really close because we can talk about anything to each other, deep and not so deep stuff, everything in between. I trust that friend more than anyone. 

My S/O is the opposite. He can't uphold a real conversation, whenever the topic gets serious, they back out of the situation. He can do small talk and chit chat and he's kind and good hearted but I can't get through to him about what's going on inside his head. And I don't feel comfortable around him for that reason. I do not know what to do and this is taking a lot of my headspace and it bothers me. Are we too different or am I too shallow for being insecure about us for this?

Hello I am a very quite person and am male so I am hoping I can describe why I'm so quite to hopefully help you understand why he may be. These are my experiences and should not be taken as why he is how he is just as a potential.

 

I like hearing other peoples ideas and hearing their feelings. I grew up in a home where I was expected to be meek and not impose my wants and beliefs on others. So now that I'm grown I still feel like my opinions and words are unwanted and hold them to myself. This is causing some friction in my relationship I worry as she loves babbling on for hours, and I love listening to her but she worries I am not actually interested.

 

It's very common for men to be raised to hold their tongue and it is hard to overcome when someone now wants you to actively talk all the time.

 

[fieldfare]

22 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

have you spoken to your partner about why they prefer to remain quiet?

 

 

He isn't necessarily quiet, he's talkative yes but nothing he says reflects how he feels, if that makes sense... as if words come out but no content to what he says.. I have brought up the subject about a week ago but since then he seems to be even more distant, no texts, no calls, no checking up on me unless I reach out to him first and even then the conversation dies quickly.

[fieldfare]

19 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

Hello I am a very quite person and am male so I am hoping I can describe why I'm so quite to hopefully help you understand why he may be. These are my experiences and should not be taken as why he is how he is just as a potential.

 

I like hearing other peoples ideas and hearing their feelings. I grew up in a home where I was expected to be meek and not impose my wants and beliefs on others. So now that I'm grown I still feel like my opinions and words are unwanted and hold them to myself. This is causing some friction in my relationship I worry as she loves babbling on for hours, and I love listening to her but she worries I am not actually interested.

 

It's very common for men to be raised to hold their tongue and it is hard to overcome when someone now wants you to actively talk all the time.

 

I can sort of see where you two share similarities and I thank you for your comment. I can relate to your partner I must admit, but also worry about my partner because he seems actively distant from me. He never reaches out to me or wants to talk or even to hear me talk. It's only when I'm there that he acknowledges me and even then he only wants physical contact with me, which I as an Ace do not care about.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, fieldfare said:

I can sort of see where you two share similarities and I thank you for your comment. I can relate to your partner I must admit, but also worry about my partner because he seems actively distant from me. He never reaches out to me or wants to talk or even to hear me talk. It's only when I'm there that he acknowledges me and even then he only wants physical contact with me, which I as an Ace do not care about.

Some people dont have talking as a love language as much as physical touch. Others may need a lot of time to warm up to trust someone enough to open up. My partner didn't want to do more than 30 minutes of interacting outside text when we first started dating... it took her a long time to open up to me about anything. Now we are married and shes getting used to telling me her feelings. *shrug*

 

And then some also just want a casual relationship and will never open up. 

[fieldfare]

29 minutes ago, Serran said:

Some people dont have talking as a love language as much as physical touch. Others may need a lot of time to warm up to trust someone enough to open up. My partner didn't want to do more than 30 minutes of interacting outside text when we first started dating... it took her a long time to open up to me about anything. Now we are married and shes getting used to telling me her feelings. *shrug*

 

And then some also just want a casual relationship and will never open up. 

I appreciate your help, you make a good point. I'm not sure if I have the energy/ time to put so much of it to this at the moment, not to mention the patience it requires. Right now I'm questioning if I should wait a while if at some point I do have the time and energy to not-be-frustrated with the situation, or should I put and end to it, or would i regret it.

[WanderingKate]

4 hours ago, fieldfare said:

He isn't necessarily quiet, he's talkative yes but nothing he says reflects how he feels

What this says to me is perhaps he is uncomfortable sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings because he's scared of being judged, not being listened to, or being vulnerable in general. That's a very real fear for a lot of people and not your fault--he could have had experiences in his past where he has been belittled, teased or ignored for sharing his true feelings, which is unfortunately true for a lot of men in our society and can be a barrier for them being vulnerable, and thus they struggle to  form connections. The only way I can think to remedy this is to simply have a conversation with him with no accusations or blame, just encouragement. Something like, "Hey, I enjoy spending time with you but I feel a bit of distance between us and I'd like to focus on us connecting more emotionally and sharing more. I want you to know that you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. When you're ready to talk, I'll listen." Opening up and being vulnerable could very well be terrifying for him, so create that safe space and let him come to you when he's ready. Reinforce the idea that there's no pressure, but you'd like to listen to him and be there for him when he's ready. Be patient :) 

 

Of course, if you're doing all of this and he's still not really communicating after a while, then there is the chance he's just not into talking about his feelings. Some people deal with things in different ways- a lot of people just internalize. And some people just aren't big talkers and don't connect that way. I relate to what you've said a lot...I create connections and build intimacy through conversations, and physical intimacy doesn't really mean anything to me. My ex wasn't a big talker but got almost all of his intimacy needs met through cuddling, kissing etc. It was definitely a barrier for us, and sometimes we didn't meet each others needs because we didn't understand them. For this kind of relationship to work, there has to be a LOT of communication and consideration from both sides so that no one is having their emotional needs unmet. 

 

I hope this helps :) 

 

[brbdogsonfire]

5 hours ago, fieldfare said:

I can sort of see where you two share similarities and I thank you for your comment. I can relate to your partner I must admit, but also worry about my partner because he seems actively distant from me. He never reaches out to me or wants to talk or even to hear me talk. It's only when I'm there that he acknowledges me and even then he only wants physical contact with me, which I as an Ace do not care about.

Ya sadly it's a different situation for me so I can't really help then. I'm untalkative but I love listening to her talk about anything. It's actually rather relaxing to me to hear her talk about anime and manga for hours on end even if I don't know anything about what she talks about.

 

If he is utterly withdrawn it's out of my scope to be able to give advice.

[MrDane]

I tell my wife sometimes that I love her. She never says it first. But if I tell her to say it first, that will be the reason for her telling it first, and what I really want is her to say it first because it comes to her heart, but it doesnt. 
 

if you desperately want him to open up. Tell him. Force him. Ask him. But remember that it is your project, not his!

[fieldfare]

Thanks to everyone for the help, I'll need to think on it a while and talk to my partner too about this.