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sga

options for asexual / sexual partners

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sga

i would like to hear what other people's experiences are with mixed relationships where one partner is ace and the other isn't- what has worked? 

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SithEmpress

From my experience, there are three solutions:

 

1) The couple has sex. Generally not as much as the sexual parter would like but sometimes. It is normally up to how much the asexual partner can put up with (that sounds bad but I can't think of a more positive phrasing right now).

This is what my relationship with my sexual partner is like.

 

2) The couple has an open or polamorous relationship. So the sexual has sex with another partner or partners in order to satisfy their libido, but the couple remains together. 

I know at least one other user who has an arrangement to have a lover as well as his wife. He talks about his situation on the Sexual Partners sub-forum.

 

3) The couple doesn't have sex. I know there are situations like this, but I don't know of any specifically. Most sexuals I've come across struggle with seeing this as a possible solution and some try, but it isn't possible for many of them. 

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Serran
16 minutes ago, SithEmpress said:

 

 

1) The couple has sex. Generally not as much as the sexual parter would like but sometimes. It is normally up to how much the asexual partner can put up with (that sounds bad but I can't think of a more positive phrasing right now).

This is what my relationship with my sexual partner is like.

 

 

And by sex, it can mean any partnered sexual activity that meets both peoples needs (comfort of the ace and fulfillment for the sexual). Not just PiV, oral or anal sex like some people seem to restrict it to. 

 

But, yeah, those are basically the three options. Most people seem to take 1, but a few take 2 (only works if you're both open to the idea of non-monogamy... can't force a monogamous person to be in such an arrangement on either side). And a very, very select few take 3. 

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sga

thank you, @SithEmpress and @Serran, appreciate your thoughts on this. i'm the ace and am struggling with this. not sure how much i'm "willing to put up with" (i can't think of a more positive way to say it either).  i feel like 2 is only an option if both partners are open to polyamory; otherwise, the ace would want 3 but the sexual partner would not and so you end up with 1. i can't see any other options either. and i feel like finding another ace is such a slim chance it really is none. agh.

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SithEmpress

Yes, mixed relationships are very difficult. It requires a lot of trust and communication.

My partner and I were "open" for a few years (we offically closed it when we got engaged) but he acted on it once I think and didn't want to. He's very monogamous and it was mostly a way to help him feel better. He said just knowing that he could have sex if he wanted to helped him not feel trapped (we also became open since I was going abroad for the first time and sex really would be off the table except for the times he visited me). 

And since I don't really care about sex at all, I didn't mind if it was just him sleeping with someone else. As long as he talked to me about it and still dedicated time to us and our relationship. 

 

But 1 and 3 are the main solutions couples attempt, with 3 not working out very well the times I've seen it work when the sexual partner wasn't on the spectrum somewhere. 1 is the most common form of compromise for sexual/asexual relationships, but it also requires a lot of trust and communication. The ace partner needs to talk about what's too much, the sexual partner needs to talk about what's too little, or the forms of sex they're uncomfortable with or desire, etc. etc. 

 

There are also, of course, other forms of intimacy which is why both partners are willing to find a middle ground. My bf says he gets more out of cuddling, so we cuddle together (more than I'd like sometimes). I get a lot out of spending time with him and doing things, so he watches anime with me and talks to me about shitty movies or shows. It's very important that outside of sex, both partners feel happy and satisfied. 

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AceMissBehaving

I’ve been married to my non ace partner for just over 17 years now. For a long time we tried option 1, but it was often frustrating on both sides.

 

More recently we have shifted to option 2, which for us has been much better. My partner isn’t really into just sex without some kind of connection, so his other partner is more involved than just hooking. She’s a full second relationship, which I know can be scary for some on the ace side of these arrangements. I had concerns at first, but honestly our relationship has been stronger for it.

 

 

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Skycaptain

@sga, as well as here you might want to have a look at the Asexual Relationships and SPFA forums. These sort of questions are asked there as well 

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sga

thank you, @AceMissBehaving, i would be in a similar situation. nice to know it could work.

 

@Skycaptain sorry what does SPFA stand for? i have been trying to look around at different forums... thanks!

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sga

thanks, @Skycaptain. i have been reading there.

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sga

interested to know other's thoughts- how can you determine the difference between maybe being (at least slightly) sex-repulsed vs. just not feeling confident enough about the relationship to go there (e.g. demi)?

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AceMissBehaving
20 minutes ago, sga said:

interested to know other's thoughts- how can you determine the difference between maybe being (at least slightly) sex-repulsed vs. just not feeling confident enough about the relationship to go there (e.g. demi)?

Probably time. If you think there is a chance your  feelings could change, it’s maybe worth it to stay open to the possibility, and see what happens.

 

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sga

thanks, @AceMissBehaving. that is kinda where i'm at right now. thinking it could be possible that i'd be ok with someone i really trust and believe loves me, and not sure if that is this relationship... sometimes hard to know if i feel like we're not working or if i have unrealistic expectations. feedback from friends is helpful, and i know that ultimately i have to decide whatever i decide. just wish things were clearer or life was easier sometimes LOL.  :)

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AceMissBehaving
3 minutes ago, sga said:

thanks, @AceMissBehaving. that is kinda where i'm at right now. thinking it could be possible that i'd be ok with someone i really trust and believe loves me, and not sure if that is this relationship... sometimes hard to know if i feel like we're not working or if i have unrealistic expectations. feedback from friends is helpful, and i know that ultimately i have to decide whatever i decide. just wish things were clearer or life was easier sometimes LOL.  :)

Easier would be nice, that’s for sure!

 

The best way to manage expectations is to try talk them over with your partner, and see if it’s possible to get a good open communication going. It can be hard, and some people are better at it than others to begin with (I’m still sometimes pretty terrible at it), but things get easier when there’s less guess work to be done 

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sga

agree that is a good thing to do, @AceMissBehaving. we are talking about things somewhat, some topics i'm pretty terrible at, but some topics i feel like i am the only one talking about (e.g. what i need vs what they need)... i am just kinda tired of sex being this big looming topic.  but i guess that's because i am the ace half. LOL but not really. sigh.

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