grez Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 note: i'm a 19 year old hetero romantic asexual (i think) during my childhood I was brought up in a religious environment which demonized the idea of sex. During my pubescent years as I started to get "down there" feelings and started to appreciate when a girl was attractive (aesthetic attraction i think) and because of these feelings and how they related to the religion I was brought up in, I ended up with some long lasting self-hatred issues. What I'm struggling with at the moment is that I don't know if i'm asexual, asexual because of trauma or just a repressed allosexual Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Karo Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 You could be any of those things, and they are all ok. And it is also ok to not be sure. For myself, I went through a phase of really wondering 'but am I actually asexual or not?', thinking that the more I thought about this question, the more sure I could be. But in the end I have found it more helpful to consider why do I want to know if I am asexual or not? I don't want to change any behaviour based on a word I use to describe myself - if I want to act a certain way with people, I should feel free to do that, and if it then turns out that I then no longer feel like the word asexual fits, then that is ok too. So I realised one of the reasons I kept questioning myself was because I wanted some sort of certainty. If I could work out that 'I really am asexual, not x or y or z', then I would be able to imagine what the future held for me. But I have come to accept that that is not the case. Some people may be certain that they are asexual and always will be, but that's just not something I can say for sure. I just don't know what situations I will find myself in in the future, maybe there will be some situation that changes things. Having said that, I would say that asexuality does seem like a useful word to describe my experiences so far. I have never wanted to kiss anyone, or do anything more than cuddle. Sometimes I think that oh maybe it has just been a lack of opportunity, and that if I had got myself into certain situations, then maybe I would end up wanting to do stuff I can't imagine now. But the thing is, I have no desire to get into any close situations like that, so for now, I can't know how I would feel. And I do think that by my age, most people know on some level they are interested in those things. I don't really have experience of being brought up in a religious environment, but I still think that general ideas of society had an effect on me. And I did used to be uncomfortable on some level that I was bi in some way. Moving away from these negative feelings may mean that I will change, but to be honest, in the past six years or so whilst I have come to accept myself being bi a lot more, my actual desires have not changed that much. But learning about asexuality did help me accept that not wanting to do any of the things that so many people say are what makes you human is also ok, and when it comes to asexuality I try to use the concepts that are useful to me, and not get too concerned with the rest. I can always question if I had grown up in a different world without any negativity around sexuality, would I be different? I think it doesn't matter, because that's not the world we live in, and these are my experiences now. But it's also ok to not be certain, and even if you aren't certain you can talk to other people about it, and you don't have to pretend that you are sure in order to do that. For me that means rather that saying I am asexual, I think of it more as all available evidence being consistent with me being asexual, or 'you could use asexual to describe my experience so far', or sometimes I don't even use the word asexual (you have to explain it to people anyway...), I'll just talk about how I'm just not interested in doing sexual things. You say you are struggling with knowing if you are asexual, asexual because of trauma or just a repressed allosexual. My answer is that it might not be easy to work out, but it shouldn't have to be a struggle. Try not to get too stuck on it, you there is no pressure to work these things out quickly at all. Even if you don't know if you are asexual or not, if it interests you, learning about asexuality can be useful. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 I was brought up Catholic and conservative. So think that helped mask me being asexual when I was in high school. But when I was in university that was a different story. And people did not have their parents to tell them, No, and were allowed more “freedom” and were less restricted. I just never had a desire for sex. And did not get why other people saw someone as “hot” or “sexy”. When I just saw a photo or a picture. I was not repressing or hiding my feels of attraction. I just did not feel attraction for any gender or anyone. It is ok to question your sexual orientation and/or romantic orientation. It is spectrum not a one size fits all box. Experiment and explore, find out who you are. And even question yourself too. People grow and change J For me accepting I was asexual vs allosexual and repressing my feels. Was because when given the choice and freedom after high school, in university and later in the US military. I just did not have a desire or feel attraction when other people did and were given the freedom too. It was not being celibate because it felt wrong to have desire. (Being asexual is not choice like being celibate). I just did not have the desire or feel sexual attraction. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 I get what Karo says about why i want to know whether i'm asexual or not but for me its more of an end destination because as soon as I know what I am i'm able to just not have to worry about it (at least for a while). I'm not really concerned about finding out about myself as i've spent years considering that and am now at a place where I understand myself; i just want to find a way of expressing what I am when i have to talk about it. I get your point about not getting too hung up on labels or trying to fit what you are into whatever label already exists Quote Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 I'm kinda going through what you described Chef Remy. I'm in first year of university and one of the things that kinda blew my mind is that people were just having sex in rooms on my corridor and it was just considered absolutely normal which was followed by an immediate understanding that I just didn't really want that. The reason i brought up the religious bit is that I had some long term mental stuff go down because of the intersection between puberty and religion. I guess what i'm really curious about is whether or not depression relating directly to sexuality could delay my "development" in which case I could be a "late bloomer" or whether self induced trauma could cause somebody to be asexual or whether its just a complete coincidence that i'm asexual Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 13 minutes ago, grez said: I'm kinda going through what you described Chef Remy. I'm in first year of university and one of the things that kinda blew my mind is that people were just having sex in rooms on my corridor and it was just considered absolutely normal which was followed by an immediate understanding that I just didn't really want that. The reason i brought up the religious bit is that I had some long term mental stuff go down because of the intersection between puberty and religion. I guess what i'm really curious about is whether or not depression relating directly to sexuality could delay my "development" in which case I could be a "late bloomer" or whether self induced trauma could cause somebody to be asexual or whether its just a complete coincidence that i'm asexual Honestly... all of the above is possible. And you wont know until you're older (since it just takes time to figure out). So dont stress. I didn't discover the way I was into sex until I was 30. Had no interest, despite several long-term (1-10 year) relationships where I really liked the person. Then at 30, I realized it was a comfort thing and also a I'm not into traditional sex thing and my wife sparked all kinds of feelings once she got me into the right mental and emotional space with her. For right now you dont want sex. So just say that. Why isnt important, just that as it stands, it is unlikely to change. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 its just kinda annoying to not know more than anything else Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 9 minutes ago, grez said: its just kinda annoying to not know more than anything else What we know about ourselves at 19 is not much compared to what we know about ourselves at 40. A lot of the people around you at college will experiment, figure out they're gay not straight or bi or Pan or ace or ... But, why they are their orientations doesnt matter. Maybe that lesbian had a traumatic experience with men (my aunt figured that out at 60 and turned back to men). Maybe that straight girl has internalized misogynistic views that make her bisexual tendencies get repressed. Etc, etc. What matters is figuring out what your boundaries are and being open to things changing if they ever do. Our personalities change drastically through life with our experiences. Even if you decide on hey this is just me.. maybe 10 years down you might change your mind on the why. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 yeah i guess its important to make sure how i feel defines what labels i use rather than letting what I identify as define me if i change Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 6 minutes ago, grez said: yeah i guess its important to make sure how i feel defines what labels i use rather than letting what I identify as define me if i change Very. Labels are just meant as ways of communicating what we feel. They are fluid and can change as we learn more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 5 hours ago, grez said: I'm kinda going through what you described Chef Remy. I'm in first year of university and one of the things that kinda blew my mind is that people were just having sex in rooms on my corridor and it was just considered absolutely normal which was followed by an immediate understanding that I just didn't really want that. And this is all that really matters. If you don;t want to have sex, you don't. It doesn't matter why. And people who don't want to have sex shouldn't have sex. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 yeah i mean i already got the practical side of it figured out its more of a theoretical or academic interest that I have now Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.