Question for asexuals with previous sexual experience...

[Guest]

I'm trying to figure out the best way to ask this. For those who have had sexual encounters before realizing that they're ace. How did you feel about those encounters and experiences? What went through your mind? What about leading up to the experience? 

 

Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks guys! 

[Howard]

28 minutes ago, LibraGirl said:

How did you feel about those encounters and experiences?

To many to describe in great length. I was very much promiscuous from 14 to 25 or so. I mostly did it out of peer pressure, to be seen as manly. Past 25, my need for social acceptance diminished greatly and I stopped chasing skirts, so to speak.

30 minutes ago, LibraGirl said:

What went through your mind?

On top of peer pressure, there was also the hope of marrying, having kids, settling down, etc. I saw sexuality simply as another face of courtship.

31 minutes ago, LibraGirl said:

What about leading up to the experience? 

I was sick and tired of being called gay for not being interested in women.

 

Now, at almost 45, I find that I was a very silly teenagers and did not understand the show of love sexuality can be.

[Chef Remy]

Was pressure into it. And was in my late twenties, not sure but was over 25 and it was after university and my first four years in the military too. Honestly it felt mechanical and awkward to me. Really did not enjoy, or feel different afterwards, and did not really "climax".

In fact it was anti-climax to me emotionally and physically.

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Only (almost) had one because it stopped halfway there.

 

The reason? Peer pressure like many. Arranged to do it with someone, was not too responsive to the whole thing and before things could get to what I guess would constitute having had sex, I said that I wanted to stop. 

 

The event made me feel like absolute shit for the coming months and it spiked anxiety, shame, guilt, disgust, basically it messed me up to an unbelievable degree. 

 

 

 

[hyperfractal]

I'd always been very fond of women, so I was expecting that when the time came, sex would be an amazing experience. It...did not live up to the hype. It never really did after that either. At first it was frustrating because it felt like I must've been doing it wrong and couldn't figure out why, and then after I got married it actually made me feel bad because I thought I really should've been enjoying it more. That gave birth to a whole other branch of anxiety (separate from the whole sexual identity thing) about failing at marriage, about being a bad husband.

 

Realizing I was ace actually was a bit of a relief, it explained a lot of the feelings I was (and wasn't) having my entire life.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, LibraGirl said:

I'm trying to figure out the best way to ask this. For those who have had sexual encounters before realizing that they're ace. How did you feel about those encounters and experiences? What went through your mind? What about leading up to the experience? 

 

Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks guys! 

I don't ID as ace anymore, but to be clear my experience up until age of like 28 was pretty much 100% as an asexual person.

 

Before actually having sex I thought I'd like it, and was excited about it. I masturbated from a young and figured sex would be like that, but better. However, when it came time to actually have sex, I was super confused because I enjoyed the kissing part, enjoyed all the parts leading up to it, but when it came time actually have sex it was like this wave of 'I don't actually want this' washed over me. Like suddenly all the fun had stopped. Then actually having the sex was like, painful, boring, lame.. I didn't enjoy it at all which was confusing for me because I have always masturbated, always been able to orgasm, and have always been very aware of sex and sexuality and very positive about it. I was 'totally normal' and very, very sexual and sensual until it came to actually having sex: then suddenly, I was very un-sexual. This happened every time I had sex, no matter how much I liked the person. It was easier with women (I'm female-bodied) but I still got nothing out of it, and never felt romantic attraction to the women I had sex with so.. I don't know. I kept forcing myself to do it, expecting that eventually I'd learn to like it. A doctor even told me that's exactly what I had to do!!! BLERGH. After years of suffering, thinking I was broken, forcing myself to have sex, I finally left my ex of 5 years and vowed I'd never have sex again, or only seek partners who are unable to have sex. I truly figured I was the only person alive it who for whatever reason couldn't want or enjoy it. Then in 2013 I learned about romantic asexuality for the first time and I was so happy I cried!!! After that, I joined AVEN. Funnily enough it was here, in like 2017ish, that I found I'm not really ace at all. I mean, I still don't know if I could ever enjoy in-person sex, and if I did it would be non-vaginal-penetration, but yeah.. I definitely can want sex over a distance, and with a LOT of talking, and (on some level) with fictional characters. So while I'm not as sexual as many sexual people (and am very happily celibate) I'm still not really asexual. But yeah, that's my experience with sex!!

[GlamRocker]

Well, I thought it was going to be great because everyone loved it! I already knew there was something different about me compared to my peers, they had a genuine excitement and interest in a way I was totally aware I was lacking... but I didn't think it would matter because 1) People TOLD me it wouldn't matter, as, not knowing any better, I straight up told other people that I didn't feel the things they did and felt no pull to having sex. Having no idea that this could mean anything  2) I figured I was probably a late bloomer, or just had more rare sexual preferences

 

So I went out and had sex! Purposely! You know how I lost my virginity? I had recently met this soldier (I get along with soldiers, the majority of my life has been military, and there are a surplus of lonely soldiers where I live.) We were getting along great, I liked him, I could tell he was attracted to me, so I was like, "Hey, let's have sex! Go in that gas station and buy a condom!" So he did, and we did, in the car. I figured, "Here it comes! I'm gonna get it!" But no, lol, so much no. I liked him and I cared about his experience and what he came away from the experience feeling like... but other than that... wow I just didn't get anything out of it. A fluke! I thought. My first time! I thought. Certainly, I will find the sex that connects with me. Let's cut this story short. It never happened. Now, I'm not one to give up easy. I tried A LOT of things, always thinking that "This must be my fetish that will work cuz it makes me FEEL something (outside of sex)" and then I would try to make whatever feeling I had from whatever thing translate to a sexual experience I gave two shits for and it was ALWAYS a fail. It was always like that first time.

 

Plus, I realized that I just didn't notice any drive for sex at all. I never had the urge, it was always an experiment for me. I went years without sex or even masturbating without noticing it'd been awhile. Because, for me, I had to DECIDE to try sex again. I had no natural interest.

 

I, honestly, suspected that I wasn't a sexual person in any normal sense from the time I was 14 or so. And I had to begrudgingly recognize that THIS WAS MEANINGFUL by the time I was 20 or so.  Though I still thought it couldn't be THAT significant, right? By the time I heard the word "asexual" (2009), I knew they meant ME. But I still rejected it, and thought up ANY argument I could to prove it wasn't true. It took til I was 32 (2014), after years and years of fighting it and also having straight up rejected sex for years to finally accept I wasn't the same, for whatever reason, and there were other people like me.

 

 

[WanderingKate]

12 hours ago, LibraGirl said:

How did you feel about those encounters and experiences?

Before they happened, I was really excited. I was finally going to be "normal", which was a big deal to me. I was going to have a sex story to tell my friends, finally. As others have stated too, I do masturbate and enjoy that, so I thought this would basically just feel like masturbation on steroids, AKA really great. During the encounters I quickly realized however that I was uncomfortable with the sexy dialogue and flirting, and was bored with the actions themselves. But I basically went with a "fake it 'till you make it" plan, AKA I put on a show of pretending I was enjoying myself, even as I was uncomfortable with the dirty talk and the actions themselves...were not great. I was and still am pretty neutral on certain acts, but others were (mildly) painful and just seemed to go on forever. I kept thinking wow....I would so much rather be watching TV right now....but I figured if I pretended to like it and kept trying to like it, eventually I would like it because everyone seems to. 

 

It was fine at first, likely because I'm not actually repulsed by all sexual acts, but as time went on I started to realize that it wasn't just about getting used to it...I simply had no desire to do it in the first place. Then I was scared to let my partner down and kept doing things within my limits (I'm fairly PIV repulsed, but other types of sex I could deal with) and for a while he was pretty satisfied with that. As he started to push more for intercourse, however, I felt myself reaching my breaking point. I was so bored and got nothing out of the sex emotionally, being on the aromantic spectrum, and certainly got nothing out of it physically. My "fake it 'till you make it" strategy obviously wasn't working and I just started to feel like I was lying to myself, and to my partner, and I hated myself for it. I felt truly fake, and like a liar. And once the initial excitement of "I'm having sex finally, I'm normal!" wore off, the boredom became intolerable. The foreplay/build-up lasted so long, and minutes felt like hours. And again I got nothing out of it physically/emotionally, so in a weird way I felt like I was being used, and I resented my partner for enjoying something I couldn't (not his fault, he didn't know, but that's where my mind went.) 

 

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, after trying to force myself to deal with it, and I just...broke down. I ended the relationship, and the relief I felt was immediate and intense. I finally felt like myself again. I realized after how damaging it had been to me, the whole ordeal....lying to myself and to my partner, pretending to be something that I'm not. Letting myself be subjected to unnecessary pain just to please someone else made me feel like a doormat (I am a people pleaser by nature, something I work on to this day.) The person I was with certainly didn't force me to do anything, but did pressure me into certain things, and I did put pressure on myself to do certain things, and I didn't realize how traumatic that was until after the experience was over.

 

So yeah...physically, it ranged from feeling numb to being mildly painful. Emotionally, I was bored, felt used, felt disgusted with myself for lying to myself for so long, incredibly traumatic. I convinced myself to try again about a year later because maybe the first time was a fluke, but it ended up being just as boring, just as uncomfortable, just as damaging. I don't necessarily know if I even regret doing it, because I think I would always have doubts about my sexuality if I didn't- I was one of those people who really had to try it to know it wasn't for me. But a year and a half removed I can absolutely recognize the damage and pain and confusion it caused in my life. 

 

[Howard]

After reading what other people posted, I would like to add to what I already said. Contrary to others' testimony, I usualy climax during partnered sex. When I masturbate, I always climax. I have nothing against foreplay, I actualy like it. It's the genitals stimuli that I dislike compared to masturbation.

[GlamRocker]

8 minutes ago, Howard said:

After reading what other people posted, I would like to add to what I already said. Contrary to others' testimony, I usualy climax during partnered sex. When I masturbate, I always climax. I have nothing against foreplay, I actualy like it. It's the genitals stimuli that I dislike compared to masturbation.

Oh, I know how to climax. It's easy! I learned how my body worked pretty early on, because I've made a fucking STUDY out of it! The weird bits are thus: 1) I still have no trigger to masturbate, I don't get "horny", etc, I just try to remember to do it because it feels good and definitely relieves stress... basically, I've told myself to do it after I work out, and do so, like on a schedule, but BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I sometimes still forget! <--- I actually regret this, because masturbating is fun. Though, it may be significant to note, porn/visual aids, etc, do nothing for me, in fact, porn is annoying. It thinks it's sexy, but, well, IT'S TOTALLY NOT lol 2) Even though I can ASSURE orgasm if I have partnered sex (it just requires a little clitoral stimulation of which I am adept!), sexual contact is still just an annoying chore- no matter how lovely my partner is, or how connected I feel to them.

 

Yeah, the temptation is still there to say, "I just haven't met the right person yet!" But, at this point (I'm 37), adding to this the way I have virtually no understanding to how my peers give so much of a shit for all of it (even they notice I've somewhat alien responses sometimes, even though I make efforts to be normal) why the hell would I just lie to myself and others? It's false. It feels false. And over and over its been proven false. I just set myself up for more weirdness.

 

I've considered maybe I'm just emotionally dead inside, there's something the matter with me that makes me not enjoy having someone put their hands all on me, etc... but it seems a moot point. Who gives a shit why? The only people who aren't comfortable with it are... OTHERS.

[Howard]

3 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

I've considered maybe I'm just emotionally dead inside, there's something the matter with me that makes me not enjoy having someone put their hands all on me, etc... but it seems a moot point. Who gives a shit why? The only people who aren't comfortable with it are... OTHERS.

When it comes to something as intimitate in only matters to you and maybe your partner. OTHERS' reaction is their problem.

[N8ty L3asT]

For most of my experiences I felt really bored, for what was going through my mind most of the time it was just random stuff like “is it supposed to rain tomorrow?” or “ What would the wingspan have to be if humans had wings”

 

 

[hyperfractal]

32 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

I've considered maybe I'm just emotionally dead inside, there's something the matter with me that makes me not enjoy having someone put their hands all on me, etc... but it seems a moot point. Who gives a shit why? The only people who aren't comfortable with it are... OTHERS.

I wouldn't necessarily equate a lack of sexual attraction or desire with a lack of emotion. Sure, for many (most?) people they are two facets of the same gem but i don't think that always has to be the case. I was with the same person, whom I loved deeply, for over 20 years, and was always luke-warm toward sex at best. Would our relationship have been different if we'd been more sexually active? Probably, but there was certainly no shortage of strong emotion whatever the case.

[Unleash the Echidnas]

1 hour ago, GlamRocker said:

Oh, I know how to climax. It's easy!

Well, maybe not for all of us. After plenty of practice I'm pretty sure I'm just not wired for it. I do have a libido, do masturbate, and do experience some release. But, based on looking through assorted things like the various AVEN what do orgasms feel like threads, it's not like that for me. I also don't really get the endorphin rush, bonding feelings, or anything much resembling an afterglow. Solo, it's pretty much just another chore and I usually get more satisfaction from tasks like sweeping or scrubbing the toilet. But if I put off masturbating too long then I start having sex dreams. Which I don't like as they're stressful. Usually I just freak out and wake up but sometimes the dream goes a bit farther and perfectly vanilla, entirely normal things which should feel good start happening... but they hurt. Makes me feel kind of icky for days afterwards.

 

16 hours ago, LibraGirl said:

How did you feel about those encounters and experiences? What went through your mind? What about leading up to the experience? 

As you might guess from the above, partnered sex for me is pretty much all about giving and making someone else who's special happy. This leads to the usual breakdown with the few partners I've had (all allo) as they can tell I'm not really into it for my own sake and it's therefore rare for sex with me to be fully satisfying. I tend to call myself ace-adjacent as it's been maybe once a year in the two long term partnerships I've had where my reaction after sex has been like, yeah, that was cool and worthwhile and I enjoyed it for me as well as for my partner.

 

Most sex has come about because I know it's important to my partner and therefore have both offered it regularly and have nearly always responded favorably when they've asked (I've only been with people who are polite about it, which is a huge help). I think because my own body's signals are muted it's been easier for me to really pay attention to my partner. And, well, the feedback's usually been pretty positive which *blush* makes me feel good because I like doing a good job and making someone happy. But it's also kind of sad because I know I can't really bring it full circle.

 

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship and I guess I kind of miss getting someone off. But I don't miss the logistical complications which come from a pretty much allo, not quite ace pairing.

[Janus the Fox]

I had a curiosity for sex with another man, afterwards there wasn’t going through my mind and the curiosity never again returned.

[Guest]

Thank you for sharing your stories everyone! :)) I'm definitely more asexual than I think I am lololol

[hypnopompic]

I had my first sexual encounter when I was 23 years old. At that time, I knew something was "wrong" with me but I thought I was uncomfortable with physical proximity because I need to know a person very well to be able to relax around them. My partner knew that I was a bit apprehensive about all that touching but we were both virgins and so we took things slow- well, slow may be the wrong word but we gradually worked our way up to having sex. Only that I realised after two or three months that our experiences regarding sex were very different.

 

He was really excited to try out different kinds of foreplay and intercourse and would be aroused within seconds or minutes. Something as simple as talking about it or him imaging us having sex would have him all worked up. I thought he was just young and inexperienced and constantly horny (at the same time wondering why I wasn't). I, on the other hand, was never aroused or excited; I was simply curious, even intrigued. After all, people talked about sexual encounters as if they were life-chaning, right? There were movies about this, songs, poems, entire books, so sex must be amazing, right? Well, nope, at least not for me. I treated this poor guys's body like some kind of science experiment: If I touch him here, he'll do this. If I go slow, then his reaction will be this but if I go faster, then he'll do that. If I whisper sweet nonsense to him, he'll feel loved but I do dirty talk, he'll climax sooner. To me, it wasn't about pleasuring him at all; I was simply learning a new skill, like learning how to play an instrument. I soon lost interest because I realised how dumb and pointless sex was. During our entire relationship of one year and a half, I never experienced an orgasm or something close to it, which I thought strange because I was perfectly capable of giving myself one of those on my own, and rather quickly and efficiently. But because he was so earnest and generous in his attentions and refused to let it go until I had an orgasm as well, I ended up faking orgasms for one year and a half. Way to go, girl!

 

Until this day, I've never told him that it was all just show as I didn't want him to develop trust issues, haha!

[binary suns]

I felt out of place in the relationship and struggled to keep the sex interesting for me. Sex wasn't exactly a bad thing but I just wasn't into it. Sometimes I felt out of place with it, or felt like I didn't want to do it, but out of embarrassment went through with it anyway, which wasn't healthy for me.