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Puberty, dysphoria and feeling out of place


Stupsi

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Recently I have started reflecting more on my experiences as a kid in secondary school. At times I have felt really out of place, but it can't really have been my asexuality causing that feeling as I feel like my immediate environment and girl friends rarely talked about sex or 'hot guys'. I just generally felt different from my peers. They were so superficial and I was unable to join their conversations about make-up, or celebrities or whatever, it was like there was an invisible wall between me and them. I felt the same disconnection to the guys, who were so macho and alpha-like. During puberty, I really hated the physical changes that my body was undergoing (boobs and curves, I desperately tried to cover them with boy's clothing) and if I had known what chest binding was back then, maybe I would have wanted to try. What I hated almost more was how all my friends were changing: they didn't want to play tag during school breaks, go for trick or treat on Halloween or build shelters in the forest anymore.  But I didn't want to become a grown-up woman, I just wanted to stay the same. 

 

From the videos of a few asexual Youtubers I noticed that I share some of their particular experiences. For instance I heard that many asexuals are more child-like and, for instance, still have cuddly toys (that includes me) and one said he felt like everyone was changing and he stayed the same. Luckily I haven't exactly felt 'broken' because of my asexuality, but I did feel out of place due to being a lot less girly and more child-like than my friends, and that could indirectly be caused by my asexuality. So here comes my theory: maybe many ace people care less about acting grown-up and gender-conforming because we don't try to find sex partners? And maybe some ace people don't like the changes to their bodies during puberty because we don't seek to 'use' these changing body parts for anything? I don't know if that makes any sense, so did you experience similar stuff in your teenage years? And did you feel dysphoric during puberty?

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Galactic Turtle

No. My friends were not like yours. We made music together, talked about anime, had star wars marathons, and complained about physics. It was a single sex school so no boys. I hated getting my period but never gave my body much attention or thought in the first place. Whatever was going on was just part of life like loosing my baby teeth. It could suck but what are you gonna do about it? I looked forward to stuff like college and beyond because I had goals and ambitions that could only be exercised so much in high school. This is typically how I thought of adulthood rather than by what my hobbies would be or what I'd dress like. For me growing up in uniform resulted in me not dedicating much time to fashion. While I knew I wasn't feminine by any measure, it didn't matter. It was simply what I liked wearing and wasn't pitched to me as something greater or less than what my peers wore out of uniform.

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2 hours ago, Stupsi said:

So here comes my theory: maybe many ace people care less about acting grown-up and gender-conforming because we don't try to find sex partners? And maybe some ace people don't like the changes to their bodies during puberty because we don't seek to 'use' these changing body parts for anything? I don't know if that makes any sense, so did you experience similar stuff in your teenage years? And did you feel dysphoric during puberty?

I mean idk but I don't think so? I don't think that not wanting a sexual relationship would make someone more likely to have a more childish personality and be less gender conforming... I do get what you mean and why you'd think that but I think it's more like how some gay people are gender nonconforming. It's just part of who they are that happens to coincide with being gay but it's not *because* they're gay. 

But idk, that's just my opinion and I could be totally wrong. I do know several people here have expressed those kinds of feelings and there are a lot of nonbinary, trans, and gender nonconforming people here.. it's just hard to tell if that actually has anything to do with their asexuality or if there just happen to be a lot of people here with those identities you know? I personally think that those things can be correlated but not that one is caused by the other. 

 

I have that sort of childish side to my personality but it has nothing to do with being (gray)ace, and I did experience dysphoria during puberty, but in my case both of those things are just related to being trans instead of to my sexuality.. so yeah while I get the point of your post and can relate to it in some way I guess I'm kinda the wrong person to answer it sorry. 

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Rhyn Corinn

Yes. I'm homeschooled so I didn't spend a whole lot of time with other kids growing up, but often when I did, I felt out of place. And what you said about everyone else changing when you wanted to stay the same; that is SO me! I have always felt like everyone else is always passing me by, but it's not like I want to follow them. I just wish they didn't have to move on. I don't want to move on in a lot of ways, and I don't think I ever really will. I also, as a cis male, don't relate to most other guys very well. 

 

As for the dysphoria part, I initially didn't think I experienced anything like that, but I realized I have had a few instances like that. For one thing, I remember I never liked the idea of being really muscular, and honestly I still don't. Luckily I'm still pencil thin, so I don't think I'll have to worry about that. Back when I was going through puberty, though, I recall being told that my muscles would grow a lot more, and I didn't particularly like that thought. The other thing is, I started growing more facial hair in the last year or so, and I don't care for that much either. If laziness wasn't a factor, I'd likely be shaving every day. Funny, I never even thought about that being dysphoria until I read your post, but it makes sense. I even remember telling my dad several times that I wanted to be clean shaven 'so I'll look 14 forever' or something like that.

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dangerousPerson

There's maybe some degree of causality between asexuality and gender expression/identity, especially in how the intersection with society and culture. A bigger connection, though, is likely to be that the underlying factors which lead to someone being asexual also affect gender. There have been studies that show genetics and hormone levels during gestation play a role in the development of sexuality. Of course, those  also tie in heavily to gender. People of the same sex but different gender or sexual orientation even have differences in brain structure. And that's not even the whole picture. There hasn't been any research into this with ace people, but I'd assume it would be similar.

 

I have both first- and second-hand knowledge of some asexual people with propensities for "childish" things. One of my best friends was ace, had a lot of dysphoria concerning her body, and was obsessed with cute things, particularly pandas. Possibly some similarities between you two, based on what you've said. She would send me pictures of all the new tsum tsums she bought. Had a whole display for them. She was sex-repulsed and saw her secondary sexual characteristics as linked to sexual intercourse, thus leading to a repulsion to those parts of her body. Not the only thing going on, just something that informs the situation around her dysphoria. I don't know how she feels now but would guess she probably will come to identify as enby.

 

I also do believe there are certain aspects of "childishness" that are more common in asexual people. Having no desire to seek out a sexual partner could very well play into this. A few examples of these behaviors that I have seen, including my friend, seemed to be connected to how they feel attraction and intimacy. In my friend's case, her aesthetic attractions tended to be towards things/people with classically "cute" features and had been the case for her whole life. Loved stuffed animals. There was no need or desire for this to change. It made her feel good to a degree that other people can get from a partner. However, if someone can get those feelings from a partner, it's possible that what gave them gratification beforehand loses its kick. This certainly seems like something that a difference in hormones could factor into.

 

I think also that a portion of ace people put less pressure on themselves to put away childish things for the sake of living up to the expectations of their peers. People learn to stop doing certain practices as a transition to adulthood, when it's actually unnecessary. Toughen up, kid. This is probably reinforced by seeking out partners who are presumed to be looking for signs of maturity. A detachment from others because of sexuality may contribute to diverging social development, which would start around puberty.  I think you can see more "childish" traits in other deviating cultural areas, particularly subsets of nerdom. 

 

Various learned gender dimorphic behavior, so to speak, that is associated with adulthood, like wearing makeup, is also tied in to seeking out a partner. This is an area where asexuality, social development, and gender can overlap.

 

Complicated topic, I could go on even longer. Something I've thought a lot about because of that friend, among other things. Also, distracting myself from thinking about other things. Your and everyone else's experiences are unique in their own ways. These ramblings may not apply.

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4 hours ago, Stupsi said:

Recently I have started reflecting more on my experiences as a kid in secondary school. At times I have felt really out of place, but it can't really have been my asexuality causing that feeling as I feel like my immediate environment and girl friends rarely talked about sex or 'hot guys'. I just generally felt different from my peers. They were so superficial and I was unable to join their conversations about make-up, or celebrities or whatever, it was like there was an invisible wall between me and them. I felt the same disconnection to the guys, who were so macho and alpha-like. During puberty, I really hated the physical changes that my body was undergoing (boobs and curves, I desperately tried to cover them with boy's clothing) and if I had known what chest binding was back then, maybe I would have wanted to try. What I hated almost more was how all my friends were changing: they didn't want to play tag during school breaks, go for trick or treat on Halloween or build shelters in the forest anymore.  But I didn't want to become a grown-up woman, I just wanted to stay the same. 

 

From the videos of a few asexual Youtubers I noticed that I share some of their particular experiences. For instance I heard that many asexuals are more child-like and, for instance, still have cuddly toys (that includes me) and one said he felt like everyone was changing and he stayed the same. Luckily I haven't exactly felt 'broken' because of my asexuality, but I did feel out of place due to being a lot less girly and more child-like than my friends, and that could indirectly be caused by my asexuality. So here comes my theory: maybe many ace people care less about acting grown-up and gender-conforming because we don't try to find sex partners? And maybe some ace people don't like the changes to their bodies during puberty because we don't seek to 'use' these changing body parts for anything? I don't know if that makes any sense, so did you experience similar stuff in your teenage years? And did you feel dysphoric during puberty?

I disliked puberty due to the secondary-sexual physical characteristics that developed (especially pubic hair). Although, as for child-like characteristics, I am very adult like - I love paperwork, finances, and stocks & bonds (perhaps, I am wierd (^u^) ). To me, the physical characteristics of the body and interests/behaviors are two very different things.

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Winter-Cattle
5 hours ago, Stupsi said:

Recently I have started reflecting more on my experiences as a kid in secondary school. At times I have felt really out of place, but it can't really have been my asexuality causing that feeling as I feel like my immediate environment and girl friends rarely talked about sex or 'hot guys'. I just generally felt different from my peers. They were so superficial and I was unable to join their conversations about make-up, or celebrities or whatever, it was like there was an invisible wall between me and them. I felt the same disconnection to the guys, who were so macho and alpha-like. During puberty, I really hated the physical changes that my body was undergoing (boobs and curves, I desperately tried to cover them with boy's clothing) and if I had known what chest binding was back then, maybe I would have wanted to try. What I hated almost more was how all my friends were changing: they didn't want to play tag during school breaks, go for trick or treat on Halloween or build shelters in the forest anymore.  But I didn't want to become a grown-up woman, I just wanted to stay the same. 

 

From the videos of a few asexual Youtubers I noticed that I share some of their particular experiences. For instance I heard that many asexuals are more child-like and, for instance, still have cuddly toys (that includes me) and one said he felt like everyone was changing and he stayed the same. Luckily I haven't exactly felt 'broken' because of my asexuality, but I did feel out of place due to being a lot less girly and more child-like than my friends, and that could indirectly be caused by my asexuality. So here comes my theory: maybe many ace people care less about acting grown-up and gender-conforming because we don't try to find sex partners? And maybe some ace people don't like the changes to their bodies during puberty because we don't seek to 'use' these changing body parts for anything? I don't know if that makes any sense, so did you experience similar stuff in your teenage years? And did you feel dysphoric during puberty?

I do relate to this somewhat. I've always had resentment for my secondary sex characteristics, to the extent I believe it could be described as dysphoria (although I have never tried to get diagnosed with the condition). I believe it's somewhat common in women, since while men develop some useful characteristics (e.g. physical strength), everything we develop is for being able to have and support a baby. I personally wouldn't consider myself childish, although I seemed to be at the time, because I never developed an interest in the opposite sex, while everyone I knew, both male and female, were very interested. (I'm aware of bi/gay people, but it was not at all socially acceptable at the time/place I grew up. I've also still to this day never met a nonbinary/transgender person). I still had interest in sports playing, but fortunately my school had free sports clubs and teams to join. I was receiving unwanted sexual comments from my peers, so I also did everything I could to try to hide my body. As an adult, I thought I was FTM for a few years because of my dysphoria starting at puberty, among various other reasons, but I have since desisted this identity. I'm not sure how much of gender-conformity is preformative and how much is inherent.

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Janus the Fox

Moved to Gender Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox, Questions about Asexuality & Open Mic Moderator

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all panic and no disco

I’m not sure about the acting childish part, but I definitely had dysphoria in middle school.

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Guest Ca$hrina

Relatable. I always used to hang out more with the boys until puberty hit, then I hung out more with a few other tomboys. Gradually I've become increasingly more lonely.

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