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Demi/Greyromantic in the lesbian/bi world


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Hi all :) 

 

I'm pretty new to AVEN. I consider myself to be a combination of demiromantic and greyromantic. While I experience romantic attraction infrequently, I also need an emotional bond with a person in order for my romantic attraction to grow. I don't think I necessarily need to be best friends with the person, but emotional connection is very important to me.

 

I think I'm biromantic but with a strong preference for girls. I notice that when I enter LGBT conversations and spaces, there is so much pressure to actively find a romantic partner and be in a committed relationship. I see so many lesbians and bi women are falling into a romantic relationship all the time, one after the other. Of course there is also the U-Haul stereotype that I'm finding to be more accurate than not... like moving in with someone after the third date. LIKE WHAT?

 

The last date I went on was back in November, and my dating "partner" (because I don't know what else to call her lol) would keep telling me how she was looking for someone to move in with her, hinting at me a couple of times. I had only gone out with her twice... and both of those times we went to see a movie... The worst type of date if you want to get to know someone 😂

 

I feel very disconnected from the LGBT community. I've started avoiding the community altogether because it just does nothing for me but put so much pressure on me to find someone in such an inauthentic way - in my opinion. I don't mind going out and meeting people casually, but that pressure is so real. It makes me feel very invalidated and question whether I even like girls or not. Even in LGBT movies I see people falling for each other after knowing each other for like a day or two! I don't feel like I'm completely aromantic. I just feel so much pressure to feel immediate intense romantic attraction towards any girl I meet, but it just doesn't work like that for me. It can take me up to two years for me to develop romantic feelings for someone. 

 

Any queer or no-straight females who are having the same frustrations as I am? Am I crazy? HAHA

 

 

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DarkStormyKnight

Hello! I'm gray-ro and pan with a preference for girls as well! That's so fun that we're similar. :)

 

I definitely get what your experience, but to a lesser degree. I find that in general very queer spaces tend to have this idea that being queer is based on who you love instead of who you are. So there's a ton of pressure to be in a relationship or to at least be looking for one. I haven't dated anyone in a while so I haven't experienced that pressure to be super committed right away (which is definitely not something I'd enjoy haha) but could see that happening as well.

 

I mean it definitely depends on the community, but I've still found value in queer spaces since there's nearly always someone who doesn't want to talk about relationships constantly which is really nice. To be honest though, I've for sure found more of a home within ace specific spaces, since there's very little chance that kind of pressure would manifest there. Do you have something like that in your area? Or maybe try starting one yourself!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/26/2020 at 6:47 AM, DarkStormyKnight said:

Hello! I'm gray-ro and pan with a preference for girls as well! That's so fun that we're similar. :)

 

I definitely get what your experience, but to a lesser degree. I find that in general very queer spaces tend to have this idea that being queer is based on who you love instead of who you are. So there's a ton of pressure to be in a relationship or to at least be looking for one. I haven't dated anyone in a while so I haven't experienced that pressure to be super committed right away (which is definitely not something I'd enjoy haha) but could see that happening as well.

 

I mean it definitely depends on the community, but I've still found value in queer spaces since there's nearly always someone who doesn't want to talk about relationships constantly which is really nice. To be honest though, I've for sure found more of a home within ace specific spaces, since there's very little chance that kind of pressure would manifest there. Do you have something like that in your area? Or maybe try starting one yourself!

That's so cool! :) Nice to meet you!

 

I agree, I think there's definitely a pressure to be in a relationship or be looking for one. I honestly feel that when I enter queer spaces, it's similar to speed dating haha which I hate. I hope to find a group or community that doesn't prioritize relationships in such a way that you are invalidated for not being in one or at least looking. I just started looking for ace groups on meetup but because of Covid-19, it'll have to wait haha

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rainbowocollie

Also grey/demi romantic and bi here! Though in my case, I have very little interest in dating, haha. I consider myself practically aromantic--I've only had a couple instances of romantic feelings, and most of the time I just can't be arsed. It takes me forever to develop feelings for someone, usually.

 

I think the movies are not entirely accurate to real life romantic feelings tbh, but I've also never dated, so.....

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14 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Also grey/demi romantic and bi here! Though in my case, I have very little interest in dating, haha. I consider myself practically aromantic--I've only had a couple instances of romantic feelings, and most of the time I just can't be arsed. It takes me forever to develop feelings for someone, usually.

 

I think the movies are not entirely accurate to real life romantic feelings tbh, but I've also never dated, so.....

Omg you are describing me perfectly. I would say that I'm mostly asexual and aromantic but there are few instances where I feel romantic and/or sexual feelings for a specific person, and it usually takes a while for these feelings to grow. That's why dating has never worked out for me lol. I've dated men and women and just can't develop those feelings fast enough, especially with men. That makes me doubt sometimes if I am even attracted to anyone at all. I do know that I need to get to know people as friends or at least acquaintances first before I start to get feelings.

 

Now that I've started paying more attention to my feelings, I notice how super inaccurate the movies and tv shows are to how I feel irl. I also know that I have serious trust issues and need to get to know someone longer before I allow them to gain my trust. Feelings are confusing lol

 

 

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