Questions about coming out

[Spicy_Mochi]

I don’t really know if I should come out as ace or not. Honestly, it won’t really make a big difference if I come out or not. I just feel content knowing that I’m ace. I don’t really care if other people know or not.

 

I’m curious why other people want to come out or how they did. So here’re my questions 

• Why did you want to come out?

• Who did you come out to?

• Did it make a difference?

• How did you come out?

 

[Rhyn Corinn]

2 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

Why did you want to come out?

In my case, I came out because I can't stand having secrets and seem to always want everyone to know everything about me. I don't think this is a very common trait among most humans, though. XD

 

3 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

Who did you come out to?

So far, I've only come out to some family members and a counselor.

 

4 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

Did it make a difference?

I mean, in some ways it made a difference. My dad finally got the message that I wasn't a late bloomer and wasn't ever going to be interested in sex; I am honestly baffled at how he didn't figure that out earlier because not only had he heard about asexuality long before I did, but I plainly spelled it out for him that I didn't care about sex and I wasn't going to change. Oh well. He's always been a little absent-minded and I usually talk to him when he's half-asleep, so maybe that's why. Telling my mom didn't really change much, honestly. She hadn't heard of asexuality, but she didn't try to argue with me or anything as I've heard some parents do. But she basically never brings it up unless I mention it first, and that...kind of bothers me? I had a similar experience when telling one of my brothers, who barely reacted at all. I also don't talk to him very often, so it hasn't really had the chance to come up again. As for my counselor, she wasn't surprised, but I guess she's probably seen/heard a lot in that job.

 

12 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

How did you come out?

I more or less just said, "I'm asexual," though I did at least ask, "Can I tell you something?" first rather than just shouting it out in the middle of another conversation. With my mom and my brother, I definitely asked them first so they would know I was about to say something important. With my dad, it was just kind of a natural part of the conversation, since he's used to talking to me about these kinds of things anyway. And with my counselor, it was also pretty easy; it was relevant to the counseling session, so I didn't have to halt the conversation to bring it up. I guess it just depends on how close you are with someone or what kinds of things they're comfortable discussing with you. I don't know that there's a right or wrong way to come out; it all depends on your situation.

[no-longer-in-use]

25 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Why did you want to come out?

It wasn't really planned on my part. I've never actually consciously decided to tell someone I'm asexual, only when it was a relevant part of the conversation.

 

32 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Who did you come out to?

My mom is the only person whom I've really come out to, I suppose. All my friends who know just found out naturally at some point.

 

33 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Did it make a difference?

Not really. My mom already knew I was queer and she's pretty chill in general so she didn't care. My friends don't care either.

 

34 minutes ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• How did you come out?

Like I said, my friends found out naturally by me mentioning it in a queer club we were in or something.

 

With my mom, on the other hand, we were driving to a Cavetown concert and talking about Cavetown and we had the following conversation:

 

Mom: What's Cavetown's gender?

Me: Male.

Mom: What's his sexuality?

Me (narrowing eyes at her weird question): Asexual and aromantic.

Mom: What does that mean?

Me: Asexual means he doesn't experience sexual attraction and aromantic means he doesn't experience romantic attraction.

Mom: Are you either of those?

Me: Yeah, I'm asexual.

Mom: Are you aromantic?

Me: Nope, I'm bi/panromantic.

Mom: Cool.

 

And that was pretty much that.

[Guest]

Uh I didn't really have a reason it was just a 'hEy Mom i'Ve BEen diSSaSociaTIng fOR yeARs. "

 

"why?"

 

 

"i'm trans???"

 

 

*disowned* 

[Adriano]

I think the same as you. If there is a reason I just say that I'm ace and that's all. I don't need to make it a ceremonial or pathetic message haha

[Galactic Turtle]

1 hour ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Why did you want to come out?

To hopefully put a stop to endless meddling about my lack of relationship status.

 

1 hour ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Who did you come out to?

My parents.

 

1 hour ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Did it make a difference?

A bit? Eventually? Perhaps? I think they're getting more used to the idea that I'm most likely not getting married or having kids as the years to by and I experience success in other areas of life.

 

1 hour ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• How did you come out?

"I'm asexual."

[Leo Kaden]

most of my coming outs have been along the lines of:

 

Me: *talking about something to do with lgbt* oh yeah, I'm ace (or trans or panromantic, depending on when it was) by the way

Them: OK

 but one time when I came out it went like this:

Me: *talking about trans right w my best friend* oh yeah, im a transguy btw

Him: Same dude!

[binary suns]

6 hours ago, Spicy_Mochi said:

• Why did you want to come out?

• Who did you come out to?

• Did it make a difference?

• How did you come out?

 

I haven’t come out to anyone but one person. It came up in conversation. 
 

At the time I wanted to be accepted I guess, but now I don’t feel a need to come out unless it seems relevant somehow. 
 

I came out to my mother. She seemed to not care and sort of dismissed it as normal which weirdly felt bad. I guess dismissal is dismissal.

 

i don’t feel like it changed anything but make me dislike my mother for one more reason. 
 

I don’t particularly want to come out anymore because I feel kinda embarrassed about who I am. Maybe if I feel better about it in the future I might want to come out to friends but I don’t know. I know I want to date someone ace so I have to be out of the closet to someone lol. If o was aromantic too I would probably not come out for fear of a bad response. 

[Karret]

• Why did you want to come out?

I had just found the term and was like HEY! Something describes me!

 

• Who did you come out to?

A couple of friends and my sisters.

 

• Did it make a difference?

No. It was just something to tell, like a new tidbit of info. No big fuss was made about it.

 

• How did you come out?

For my one friend, I was just walking with him, and I forget how the topic came up.. maybe I brought it up on my own, but I just ended up telling him kinda matter-of-factly.

I don't remember how I told my other friend or my sisters. I just know they know. XD

[DarkStormyKnight]

Well coming out is more of a process than anything else. I knew that I eventually wanted to be loud and open about being asexual, but that came in stages as I got more comfortable with it. I first came out to a couple of close friends, then my family, then made a social media post about it. I like to think that it made a difference because a big reason why I came out was to hopefully make this realization a little easier for other people. And pretty much every time I post about Ace Awareness Week or something like that I get a positive response, so I like to think that I'm helping to make people more aware and more comfortable with asexuality.

Having said that though, I know that there's plenty of people who don't want to or cannot be that open about their sexuality, and that's fine too!

[gothic]

I haven't "come out" yet, and like you, I don't really care if I don't or do. If I did, I think my history of zero partners would support my claim, so realizing I'm ace didn't really surprise me, so it shouldn't surprise family too much. I'm way past puberty so saying I'm a late bloomer or I haven't found the right person would probably bring me to tears of laughter because who can truly say but me? I seem to not connect in a sexual manner... but I wouldn't mind a girlfriend who looks good walking beside me hhahah

[grez]

Why i wanted to come out - i had just discovered asexuality and wanted to share this cool thing i found with my friends

Who did I tell - just a couple of friends

did it make a difference - not really 

how did I come out - just told them when it came up in conversation

[ConfusedTeen.]

I haven’t actually come out yet but if I did the reason would be just so people I’m close with could stop asking me uncomfortable/weird questions and stuff also I’d probably just want to let them know cause I’d want them to know things about me cause we’re close so I wouldn’t feel like I was still kinda hiding a part of myself of whatever (that probably sounds dumb)?
 

id probably just come out to my close friends and immediate family?

 

this probably didn’t help or anything at all but I just kinda wanted to voice my opinion 😅

[Karo]

• Why did you want to come out?

When I started coming out, it was because I kind of felt like I was keeping secrets by knowing this about myself, and I was avoiding talking about anything. And it was something I wanted people to know about me. And to be honest, I thought that people would be disappointed if I knew this about myself but didn't feel I could come out to them. Now I see it differently, I don't owe it to anyone to come out, it's not keeping secrets at all. But if it comes up I do still like friends to know.

 

• Who did you come out to?

First time, someone who I had strong reasons to believe was ace, or at least knew a lot about it. This was still nerve-wracking, but great in that I knew they would be accepting and not require a huge explanation. This went well.

 

My parents: really I only directly told one of them at first. We had a good discussion about asexuality, but I felt awkward because of the way I let them find out. Basically I went to pride and they found out after. But in the discussion, I casually dropped in that maybe one day I'd be open to having a partner of any gender. That bit was the easy part and accepted without further comment. The ace stuff was a bit harder, I kind of felt like they were going to think I was too young to know and just didn't have enough experience (I was 20), and said that I didn't know if it would change in the future, but that this is how I felt now, but actually when I described my experience they said they were kind of surprised. So in a way that validated my feelings. I didn't have this detailed discussion with my other parent, but the thing that has changed is that if something comes up in conversation about, say living with someone in the future, anyone in my family will say things like 'if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone you live with longterm', and also I feel totally comfortable saying things like 'well if I ever do have a girl/boyfriend' etc. This is a great outcome for me, it makes me feel so seen and accepted, and that my parents don't expect me to be different. My brother knows this stuff too and I've described my experiences, but I can't remember if I ever used the word asexual to him.

 

Close friends:

I came out to a few by sending them messages or emails, as I was far away at the time. This can be ok, and useful if you are worried about an in person conversation. My advice would be to follow up in person though at some time. Coming out was definitely a good idea. Now if it comes up, I am able to casually bring up ace things in conversation. Things like talking about what books we are reading, and wishing there was more ace (and other queer) rep. Or recently I actually came across an ace character and told some of my friends about that. And just knowing that I can do that makes me feel so comfortable, even if I actually very rarely talk about it. But it feels like I'm not hiding anything. Not to say that if you don't come out you are being deceiving, but just I have learned that I can't take it to not talk about things that are on my mind.

 

Other people: I generally don't use the word asexual. Maybe I will just say things like I'm not interested in dating. I guess some people have an inkling though because of stuff on social media - when I came out to one of my friends they had guessed from that. So do think about that. I never made an official post or anything, but just through liking or being tagged in things.

 

How did I come out?

What I said varied. It got better with experience. There are two things that I regret with some early conversations.

• In one conversation I said something along the lines of 'I'd never be interested in that because I'm asexual'. Whereas actually I consider it the other way round, my disinterest in doing anything sexual is what makes me asexual. That might seem like splitting hairs, but I find saying 'I'm asexual so I would never experience that' too limiting... in all honesty, I don't know what I will experience in the future. But I guess I thought if I was going to come out, I had to be sure that I was asexual, and couldn't waver in that. This might not be the way you want to do it, but I prefer to describe my experiences (even if it's brief, like 'I'm not really interested in sexual stuff') and say that I'd consider myself asexual, rather than say 'I'm asexual... oh, you don't know what that means? It means I won't ever be into sexy things'
• I initially thought that if I was going to come out, especially to people who didn't know about asexuality, I should be sure, and that this would be more convincing. That they would only accept asexuality if I could make a black and white argument. But that's not true, and actually made me feel bad about it, because I was pretending that I didn't have any doubts myself. Now I am a lot more open with my friends, and it is nice to be able to discuss how I really feel. I think the conversations about my (a)sexuality that have made me feel best are the ones where I am being completely honest, which might include mentioning that I have know idea if I will feel the same in 10 years time, but this is how I feel now.

With this in mind, my favourite way to come out now is to do it casually. If I don't make it a big deal, then the other person won't make it one either. If I can get it into a conversation naturally, that's great. But if not, I had a good experience being upfront with someone and saying something like 'I don't know if I've ever told you, but I think I'm asexual', and explaining what that means to me, and that I just wanted them to know since we are close and otherwise it would feel like I'd be hiding something.