How do you initiate a kiss? /initiate a conversation about kissing with a long-term partner?

[zzkitty42]

So here's the context for my situation: I'm asexual, and I've been dating a guy for about 11 months now. We're both in high school and it's the first time either of us has been in a relationship. We started dating when I gave him a letter explaining how I had a crush on him for a while, and I wanted to get those feelings off of my chest. We had been friends before, but never really close. We hang out with similar circles (we're both into D&D) but we don't have any direct overlap with our close friends. Anyways, after I gave him the letter he asked me out and ever since we've been dating.

 

Here's the thing though: we've never kissed. Not even a kiss on the cheek.

 

I told him relatively soon into the relationship that I was asexual, and he didn't really ask any questions or make a big deal about it. I told him I was "kind of asexual" he said "what do you mean, kind of?" I said "well, yes, I'm asexual" and he said "cool" and changed the topic. That's about it. And I know we should probably talk about it more- set boundaries and all that, but I guess I've never felt like we were headed toward anything sexual? We do cuddle a lot, like if we're watching TV together, but mostly we hang out and talk, go out to eat, and just spend time with each other. We went to prom together last year (our school has both seniors and juniors at prom because it's small), and another school dance this year, he got me flowers for valentines day, and we've gone on some romantic dates, but we haven't ever kissed.

 

Here's the second important point: I do want to kiss him. Or, at least, I want to try it.

Like I said, this is the first relationship I've ever had, and I haven't kissed anyone before. I've thought about it a lot (maybe too much), and I have finally decided I want to try it. I feel really awkward about how I'm supposed to initiate this though. I think it'll help to ask him about it? I certainly don't want to just try and kiss him out of the blue after 11 months of not doing that. I don't really know how to bring it up. I've found that I think a lot about this when I'm on my own, about what I could say, how I'd bring it up, but when I'm with him, I honestly kind of forget to. It's almost like I only think about kissing him when I can't (because we're not spending time with each other). I think we may have gotten close a couple of times, but I get flustered and awkward and it hasn't happened. 

 

To make matters worse, I started seriously considering my feelings towards kissing in January, when he was away for 3 weeks and I was missing him. I've only gotten to spend one on one time with him a couple of times since then, and it hasn't really felt appropriate, given a variety of reasons. Here's an explanation for each time we've hung out:

• right after he got back we hung out, but I wanted to spend that time asking about his trip
• on valentine's day he came over, but I was sick and developed a fever over the course of the evening (I kept telling him I didn't want to him get sick too, but he cuddled with me anyway. I definitely didn't want to kiss him though because that would 100% spread germs. Plus I was really tired and bit out of it)
• once, soon after I recovered from being sick, we went on a walk in a public park. It was nice, but I don't think a first kiss should really happen out in public like that.
• the last time we hung out was last saturday. We are in a place where COVID-19 is present, and so even though we hung out, we weren't even really cuddling like we normally do. That's the last time I've spent time with anyone outside my family, and we're all supposed to be practicing social distancing. So that really makes kissing impossible.

 

Anyways, that is my rant. I guess I'm just looking for any suggestions or messages of solidarity. I am especially curious if anyone has felt a similar desire for kissing in theory, but haven't actually acted on it when with a partner. I've found I go through moods of really wanting to kiss him/cuddle with him/ be romantic, when I'm not around him, and I'm feeling that way tonight. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

[euphrasie_fauchlevent]

In my experience, there's kinda two ways? You either just ask the person straight up at an appropriate moment "Can I kiss you?" or "I've been thinking about kissing you for a while now, is that something you'd be interested in?" if you wanted a more hypothetical roundabout way of asking. Even more indirect is just initiating a conversation about kissing in general, which would hopefully lead onto his feelings about it and a conversation about it and whether it's something you want to do together.

 

Second way is that you just go for it, but personally I prefer the communicative route because it's more respectful and consent-oriented. 

 

In my (admittedly limited) experience, I do like the idea of kissing in theory much nicer than kissing in reality, but I've never kissed anyone I would consider myself emotionally close to. I actually broke up with my first boyfriend because we'd done little pecks on lips and cheeks etc, but the idea of making out weirded me out so much that I just couldn't do it and ended the relationship instead!

 

I would also add that in my experience, lots of people can be awkward about initiating kissing (especially when it's the first time with a new person) so don't feel weird about that - I've kissed exactly two people out of eight who have been confident and willing to take the lead. Equally, even if the initial "do you want to..." is awkward, that (usually) tends to dissipate the minute you start if everyone is consenting and enjoying themselves.

 

Hope that helps!

 

 

[Guest]

Hmm let me see...

 

First boyfriend gently lifted my head and just kissed me. I liked it. But, it used non-verbal consent (I could have pulled away since it was obvious but I didn't so). 

 

The last guy I dated as a stranger said "Can I kiss you goodnight?" at the end of our date. 

 

My wife and I discussed our boundaries over text and then when we were together IRL by day 3 of hanging out, we had been OK enough touching each other that I kissed her on the cheek while we were talking. We had already discussed kissing being OK but would take some getting used to each other (we were LDR, so was during a visit). I dont remember how the first kiss on the lips started... 

[WanderingKate]

I think generally for me a kiss is usually initiated with non-verbal cues, (locking eyes, flirty smile, leaning closer, a gentle touch of the arm, etc.) It's not something I've ever really had to think about, it just kind of happens. Usually for a first kiss anyway there is a bit of build-up, gradually getting closer and more playful touching and flirting, and then eventually the person is a centimeter from your face and giving you that look and you just kind of know. 

 

If you'd rather be more straightforward about it though, I actually thought it was really cute in the past when someone asked me, "you look beautiful tonight, can I kiss you?" ...something like that is usually fairly effective, a sweet but not super forward compliment is a nice way to lean into it. 

[henshin]

11 months is a long time to date without kissing! If neither of you has raised this before and he doesnt seem bothered about this then i question what he wants out of a relationship. You need to a) kiss him and b) after you have kissed ask him if theres any reason he didnt kiss you before.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but in my experience, kissing is one of the most fundamental things that couples do if theyre both romantic and into each other and not repulsed.

 

Could he be aro? Gay? Maybe even autistic and unsure of social cues/scripts? Something is going on here.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, henshin said:

11 months is a long time to date without kissing! If neither of you has raised this before and he doesnt seem bothered about this then i question what he wants out of a relationship. You need to a) kiss him and b) after you have kissed ask him if theres any reason he didnt kiss you before.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but in my experience, kissing is one of the most fundamental things that couples do if theyre both romantic and into each other and not repulsed.

 

Could he be aro? Gay? Maybe even autistic and unsure of social cues/scripts? Something is going on here.

Some just arent into kissing too... my ex wasnt 

[zzkitty42]

On 3/23/2020 at 5:15 PM, henshin said:

Could he be aro? Gay? Maybe even autistic and unsure of social cues/scripts? Something is going on here.

Maybe? Honestly, I've chalked it up more to:

- both of us being a bit awkward about relationship things b/c it's the first time we've been in a relationship 

- him respecting my boundaries (esp. since I told him I'm asexual and maybe he thinks that means I also don't want to kiss, because I haven't explained that I do want to kiss him)

- possibly him being ace/aro spec

 

That being said, he's definitely shown romantic interest, and there are a few moments where it felt like we almost kissed but didn't (due at least in part by my own awkwardness). I feel like when we spend time with each other we can be intimate and close just through cuddling together, holding hands, being honest with each other and talking about personal stuff. I've even fallen asleep next to him while hanging out, I feel very safe and intimate in those moments.

 

At this point, part of me wonders if we just haven't because it's been 11 months and we're both thinking the other would have brought it up/ tried it had they wanted to, but now it's too late to bring it up. Which is part of why I feel I need to figure this out and do something about it sooner rather than later

[brbdogsonfire]

On 3/24/2020 at 10:49 PM, zzkitty42 said:

Maybe? Honestly, I've chalked it up more to:

- both of us being a bit awkward about relationship things b/c it's the first time we've been in a relationship 

- him respecting my boundaries (esp. since I told him I'm asexual and maybe he thinks that means I also don't want to kiss, because I haven't explained that I do want to kiss him)

- possibly him being ace/aro spec

 

That being said, he's definitely shown romantic interest, and there are a few moments where it felt like we almost kissed but didn't (due at least in part by my own awkwardness). I feel like when we spend time with each other we can be intimate and close just through cuddling together, holding hands, being honest with each other and talking about personal stuff. I've even fallen asleep next to him while hanging out, I feel very safe and intimate in those moments.

 

At this point, part of me wonders if we just haven't because it's been 11 months and we're both thinking the other would have brought it up/ tried it had they wanted to, but now it's too late to bring it up. Which is part of why I feel I need to figure this out and do something about it sooner rather than later

Just try to kiss him then

[AspieAlly613]

On 3/23/2020 at 8:15 PM, henshin said:

You need to a) kiss him and b) after you have kissed ask him if theres any reason he didnt kiss you before.

That sounds potentially abusive.  Actually, "abusive" is too strong a word, but I can't think of the right one at the moment.

[Homer]

11 months together should sure be enough to learn how to talk to the other person about seriois things, so I'm a little baffled by this situation...

[IceQueenn]

Just ask them.

[A for ace]

On 3/19/2020 at 4:21 PM, zzkitty42 said:

I am especially curious if anyone has felt a similar desire for kissing in theory, but haven't actually acted on it when with a partner.

[Raising my hand]. I'm in a very similar boat with you, like being in high school and both my boyfriend and I being the first time in a relationship. I also enjoy holding hands etc. You have been in the relationship for 11 months but for me it's only 5, but I'm confident about the relationship lasting some time longer. I honestly get freaked out by the idea of opening up to him about my sexuality, but I'm kind of ignoring it till I can't, since he hasn't initiated any sex-related conversations or actions, not even implicit ones. I don't even know if I should interpret this as him trying to be a "gentleman" or as signs (hopes?) that he is ace also. Sorry that I can't give any good advice cuz I'm just as confused...

[zzkitty42]

UPDATE: (In case anyone is following this story/ came across it and felt similarly)

So my boyfriend and I talked over FaceTime tonight and I finally brought up our relationship, and how we hadn't really talked about my asexuality. I mentioned how we haven't kissed and he said that he'd basically assumed it was out of the picture. I said that I was interested in kissing, though I don't really know how.

 

Since the COVID-19 pandemic is still very much a thing we obviously can't see each other in person right now, but he said that we could certainly try it once quarantine is over where we live. 

 

Basically I was right with my guess that it was because of:

On 3/24/2020 at 10:49 PM, zzkitty42 said:

- him respecting my boundaries (esp. since I told him I'm asexual and maybe he thinks that means I also don't want to kiss, because I haven't explained that I do want to kiss him)

 

And I just want to put this out there as another example against that the stereotype that teenagers (especially teenage boys) are really horny/want to have sex all the time. My (probably allo) boyfriend just assumed I didn't want to kiss him and seemed pretty fine with it. I hope the two of us can talk more about the nuances of attraction in the future, since we started doing that but it's hard over video call and I haven't worked out all my attractions yet. I'm hoping I'll get to see him soon (at least before we go off to college) because talking about these things is hard enough when you can see the person in real life.

[zzkitty42]

On 4/5/2020 at 7:43 PM, A for ace said:

[Raising my hand]. I'm in a very similar boat with you, like being in high school and both my boyfriend and I being the first time in a relationship. I also enjoy holding hands etc. You have been in the relationship for 11 months but for me it's only 5, but I'm confident about the relationship lasting some time longer. I honestly get freaked out by the idea of opening up to him about my sexuality, but I'm kind of ignoring it till I can't, since he hasn't initiated any sex-related conversations or actions, not even implicit ones. I don't even know if I should interpret this as him trying to be a "gentleman" or as signs (hopes?) that he is ace also. Sorry that I can't give any good advice cuz I'm just as confused...

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in this!

 

I would say it can be good to bring it up and talk about this sort of thing, but I know from experience how hard that can be (re: this whole thread). I think at least saying you're ace might be a good idea, but it's the follow up and definitions thing that I think makes it so hard.

Like for me I didn't know how much I needed to explain since it can mean different things from person to person and information that's already out there may or may not apply to me. I know my boyfriend has looked up asexuality (at least an asexuality memes subreddit), but I suppose I should have explained it more so that he could know I actually do want to try kissing (since I don't consider that sexual, but romantic).

 

I wish you luck and I hope you can find a way to open up to your boyfriend with out getting too freaked out. Trust me, I've been there and it's not easy, but ultimately I think it helps.

[Liana]

I’d say that you have a few approaches that you can do.

A) You could casually make jokes about him kissing you in an attempt to give him the idea. Tease him a bit and make him think about it.

B) Have a conversation with him about the idea of kissing and see if he wants to do it or not.

C) Attempt to initiate a kiss with him.

[Guest]

For me, I'm all about non-verbal cues. I read body language from my significant other, and initiate the kiss accordingly. I've always kissed women I have dated with that mentality.

 

If boldness isn't for you, tell him you have a surprise but insist he must close his eyes, first--then lay the kiss and pull away. His body language, will tell you whether to continue or not. Again, this is still going by non-verbal cues.

 

Lastly, just ask him via text. Tell him how you feel about it. This way you're planting the seed in his head.