Bella_73 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 My fiance of 3 years told me today he thinks he is Asexual - I am blown away. Background history as such, he is early forties, had lots of sexual partners before we met. He says he never had any issues with sex or sex drive previously and always enjoyed sex when he was younger. We had a very high sexual relationship for the first year and then it started to slow down. I thought it was natural as our relationship developed. He started putting on a little weight, not a huge amount, and sex almost stopped, maybe once every other month. We argued about this and his answers would be 'I've put on weight so am depressed' or 'things will be better when your son moves out (son is early 20's)' or I am tired... you get the idea. He sought help and is now on antidepressants. Last year we had sex 5 times in total, the last time back in July was what I thought initiated by both of us, then in November he had been out with work and got very drunk - came back and initiated sex but said well this is what you want isnt it? Each conversation about this issue ends up in arguments or pretending it isnt happening. He expects me to just accept that he doesnt want any sexual contact at all and end of conversation. Previously there has been excuse after excuse (his words) for his reasoning and this morning we argued because I was stressed with work and blurted out that I feel he has no interest in me yet is happy to spend all night messaging other people but can't find conversation or time for me at all. He does spend most of the evening messaging people mostly women, but people he works with and he feels I am being unreasonable. Anyway after this lovely domestic we both go to work and I bring up the subject of lack of sex and is there a reason - his reply is he thinks he is Asexual and has no interest in sex whatsoever. Sorry for the long story but how do I begin to understand this, and how can a relationship work between 2 people with very different preferences? I am heartbroken to think that we may never again have any kind of physical contact and I am not sure if this is a relationship I want for the rest of my life. Can someone please help me understand and tell me if I am being unreasonable, I really do not wish to put pressure on him but wonder if it should be all one sided and I should be the one to compromise only! Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 First thing would be to talk about has he always felt this way ? Or did he at one point want sex and now doesn't? If it's a new development, it could be his medicines or a hormonal thing lowering libido and desire. Antidepressants can make one basically asexual. But, if it's long term then it could be he was just doing it but never really had desire but now is getting repulsed. Another thing is, you mention he isnt spending time with you but is with other women... some people say asexual when it's really just not that into their partner. Is he not at all interested in being with you in any way? Or maybe hes just pulled away from you because the sex issue is blocking his comfort with other intimacy ? If he is asexual, the way to make it work is figure out a middle ground that works for both. Open, compromise sex, celibacy or leaving are the options. Link to post Share on other sites
Howard Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 A couple things you said makes me suspect the problem could be hormonal : decreased libido, weight gain and depression are all symptoms of low testosterone in men. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_73 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 14 minutes ago, Serran said: First thing would be to talk about has he always felt this way ? Or did he at one point want sex and now doesn't? If it's a new development, it could be his medicines or a hormonal thing lowering libido and desire. Antidepressants can make one basically asexual. But, if it's long term then it could be he was just doing it but never really had desire but now is getting repulsed. Another thing is, you mention he isnt spending time with you but is with other women... some people say asexual when it's really just not that into their partner. Is he not at all interested in being with you in any way? Or maybe hes just pulled away from you because the sex issue is blocking his comfort with other intimacy ? If he is asexual, the way to make it work is figure out a middle ground that works for both. Open, compromise sex, celibacy or leaving are the options. He has not had issues before with previous partners and was quite promiscuous in his younger days. He says he loves me dearly and I am his world and he isnt interested in anyone else, that he could not be without me so I have to believe him when he says that I guess. It could be a hormone issue but he is too uncomfortable to talk to a GP about it. I wish he would also understand that I still have needs, and I know that sounds selfish and I dont mean it to be but we are still young and I do not know if I am ready to give up physical contact for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_73 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 14 minutes ago, Howard said: A couple things you said makes me suspect the problem could be hormonal : decreased libido, weight gain and depression are all symptoms of low testosterone in men. Thank you for replying, yes this is quite possible but I can't make him see a GP, he said he did try to discuss it with his GP whilst having a medication review for his depression medication but GP simply dismissed it saying it was probably a side effect of the medication. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 1 minute ago, Bella_73 said: He has not had issues before with previous partners and was quite promiscuous in his younger days. He says he loves me dearly and I am his world and he isnt interested in anyone else, that he could not be without me so I have to believe him when he says that I guess. It could be a hormone issue but he is too uncomfortable to talk to a GP about it. I wish he would also understand that I still have needs, and I know that sounds selfish and I dont mean it to be but we are still young and I do not know if I am ready to give up physical contact for the rest of my life. Sounds like it could be his meds then, or hormones. He doesnt have to discuss sex with the GP, just ask for a blood test to check testosterone levels. He could use the weight gain and maybe if he has loss of energy as reasons for wanting the test. But... honestly, the antidepressants suppress libido and desires a lot... and sometimes people have to pick between them and their sex life (and honestly, depression is so bad they can't go without them) And it's very hard to have sex without desire. I am not ace but I've dated people I had no sexual interest but a romantic interest in and ... I just couldn't keep it up. It was so tiring and taxing. I preferred working 10-12 hour shifts doing manual labor over an hour of sex, it took less energy. By the end of my last relationship, I needed 15 minutes in the bathroom mentally going "OK. You can do this. Just like 40 minutes and done." before I could have sex. And even then, I began opting for just never hugging or touching my ex to try to avoid turning him on. With my wife who I am sexually into, I'm up for it basically whenever she is. Even if not really "in the mood", I still enjoy it and love giving that to her. The two experiences are vastly different. So sex being given to a sexual can seem like no big deal just do it for your partner.. but it's a huge deal without sexual desires at all. However, have you two discussed alternatives to PiV as a possible compromise? Maybe if he could use a toy on you it would be less of an issue for him since he isnt required to orgasm or be turned on or use his body? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Btw if he is on antidepressants it's a good idea to get them reviewed by a trained psychiatrist not just a GP. My cousin and grandmother got theirs from a GP and they both had severe side effects (life altering, potentially life threatening) because the doses were off. Trained psychiatrists had to fix it for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_73 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 28 minutes ago, Serran said: Btw if he is on antidepressants it's a good idea to get them reviewed by a trained psychiatrist not just a GP. My cousin and grandmother got theirs from a GP and they both had severe side effects (life altering, potentially life threatening) because the doses were off. Trained psychiatrists had to fix it for them. He is not interested in any form of physical contact. He is happy to cuddle and I get the odd peck on the lips or cheek but that is it. The thought of giving me any pleasure just does not cross his mind, and yes this does make me feel like he has no interest in me. He was off sex before medication started, he saw a counsellor who recommended meds and it has improved his mood just not his sex drive. I really appreciate your input, it does help me to understand a little more than I did this morning so thank you indeed Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 1 minute ago, Bella_73 said: He is not interested in any form of physical contact. He is happy to cuddle and I get the odd peck on the lips or cheek but that is it. The thought of giving me any pleasure just does not cross his mind, and yes this does make me feel like he has no interest in me. He was off sex before medication started, he saw a counsellor who recommended meds and it has improved his mood just not his sex drive. I really appreciate your input, it does help me to understand a little more than I did this morning so thank you indeed Has he given you any reason why he isnt interested in physical affection anymore, if I'm assuming he used to be ? Hugs, random casual touches etc are important to upkeep. Sometimes a couples counselor will recommend reminders to hug or caress your partner throughout the day if one gets to a point they arent doing it anymore. It's common for the romance to die out after a while but you have to keep some things at least.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_73 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 3 minutes ago, Serran said: Has he given you any reason why he isnt interested in physical affection anymore, if I'm assuming he used to be ? Hugs, random casual touches etc are important to upkeep. Sometimes a couples counselor will recommend reminders to hug or caress your partner throughout the day if one gets to a point they arent doing it anymore. It's common for the romance to die out after a while but you have to keep some things at least.. No reason at all, I feel that he avoids it incase it leads to something more. We used to be a very affectionate couple but even I feel what is the point in it anymore. He loves a hug but that is all, I can't even remember that last time I saw him even semi naked. I no longer like PDA because it just feels fake, so if we are out with friends he makes a point of kissing me, albeit a quick peck, but it no longer feels natural if that makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Sexuality is complicated and can be influenced by a lot of factors which can change over someone's life. Medications and hormones among them. My personal experience with testosterone ( I'm trans and started T last summer) was that it makes me more prone to arousal (which contributes to sexual desire). For men, another thing to wonder about is whether the "plumbing" works (one test is whether nocturnal penile tumescence occurs -- this happens regardless of sexual desire). Also, pressure to have sex, and guilt, can make it hard to want it or do it. Having a safe, trusting, open conversation about each other's experience of sexuality is vital -- with empathy, to understand each other's needs. On your end, that would mean thinking about "why" sex is important to you. Physical affection, separate to sex, as well. People need different things -- and they have different "love languages" -- but when they love each other, they need to try to understand each other and how to meet each other's needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 18 minutes ago, Bella_73 said: No reason at all, I feel that he avoids it incase it leads to something more. We used to be a very affectionate couple but even I feel what is the point in it anymore. He loves a hug but that is all, I can't even remember that last time I saw him even semi naked. I no longer like PDA because it just feels fake, so if we are out with friends he makes a point of kissing me, albeit a quick peck, but it no longer feels natural if that makes sense Maybe it would be good to pause the physical for a while to have time to sort out what he wants vs what hes avoiding due to pressure ? Then maybe you can get some of the physical affection love language you miss back. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 He may have had sex with people on the past out of social pressure, but if this issue is a new one, and pre-dates the depression medication, then along with the depression, weight gain, and other factors, hormonal issues are a possibility as others have mentioned. It’s rarer I believe in men, but low thyroid could also be a possibility. The fact his GP dismisses the possibility is troubling. Is there any chance he could talk to someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 I'm sorry, @Bella_73, I can see you're hurt and frustrated and confused by this bombshell. It's always a terrible thing to go through. Your feelings don't have to be judged reasonable to be important. Painful feelings are always indicators of our needs not being met. Unfortunately they're pretty terrible at telling us how to most effectively meet those needs. Have you had any couples counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
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