/

[snailscout]

Removed the text in this post for my paranoia's sake, due to some oversharing. If anyone ever comes back to this now that it's been almost a year, thanks for your help. Everything turned out great.

[Ennis]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! Have some cake

You sound like a very kind person and I totally understand that you don't want to reject your friend. It isn't your fault that you're not in love with her.

About what you wrote about your not-so-successful romantic relationships: This is definitely something I would encourage you to explore further. We can't tell you whether or not you're aromantic. You've set out on this journey of discovery already, which is a very daunting thing to do. I've been there, believe me. Try not to be too hard on yourself on the way. Give it some time and don't do it all by yourself. Talk to people offline and online. We all need help sometimes! There's no need to be ashamed.

Have you ever looked into attachment theory? Here's a six-minute video about it: https://youtu.be/2s9ACDMcpjA It is one thing not to fall in love with people but it's another thing to feel as terrible as you seem to feel when somebody shoes romantic attraction towards you.

Good luck! You're not alone in this.

 

[Gldlynch]

Hi Snailscout!

 

Welcome to AVEN! You've come to a great platform 🙂

 

There is nothing wrong with you in this situation right now. It sounds like you are overwhelmed, and your feelings are 100% valid. You will be okay!

I can't say that I've been in your exact position, but I've been somewhere similar. Love, romance, relationships, the whole shebang sounds grand in theory, but when faced with the actual scenario it's pretty intense. @Ennis above is spot-on too, you are on your journey to self-discovery. You are definitely going through a transition phase at the moment but everything will be alright in the end! Please believe it!

 

If any labels help at the moment, do you know cupioromantic? It's when people prefer romance in theory over romance in practice. A part of me thinks I am cupioromantic because I've never been able to face real romance - and I'm 25, I should be mingling!

 

It's very clear that you know your history and your know yourself (at least for the most part), but the people around you don't have so much awareness about ace/aro. As difficult it seems at the moment, maybe it's time to educate people about this type of sexuality? Opening up is never easy, but sharing experiences can bring awareness to minorities. The people you say you've had unsuccessful relationships with - just take a breather and find the lesson. Panicking about it doesn't lead to anywhere positive, take a step back and maybe ask yourself, "how can we all benefit from this messy situation?" 

 

Are you and your best friend still talking? Don't rush to any conclusion if it doesn't end well for either of you. Digesting feelings take time, it sucks but often that's the nature of it. You are still young and sexuality can be incredibly fluid for some people - I'm still tryna figure myself out after all these years! Don't be afraid to make mistakes on your journey to self-discovery, that's all part of the process, however my one piece of advice is to think about how all people can be in a more peaceful state of mind after it all. It sounds like you are in the heat of it, but over time as you do some research, chat with people, the answer may become slowly clear.

 

You'll be okay!

[snailscout]

10 hours ago, Ennis said:

Have you ever looked into attachment theory?

Thanks for this, Ennis. Doing some research now, thinking maybe me having an avoidant attachment style might have more to do with this than aromanticism. Not that I'm writing that possibility off just yet. I very much appreciate the replies from you and Gldlynch. After getting some much needed sleep, I'm sat laughing at the panic and the drama of my original post. Thank you both very much for reminding me to take a breath, and to remember that I've got plenty of time to think and do some research. 😅

[Ennis]

@snailscout You're very welcome. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel like it.

[frostboot]

First of all: welcome to AVEN! 🍰

I agree with what the others have said but I wanted to add some things from my own experiences. I can relate to several things in your story, from pretending to return feelings and resenting people for having them, to having all this guilt and being sick of explaining myself. I currently have a friend who has feelings for me and I'm in a somewhat similar situation where I love them a lot and find them very attractive but I'm not attracted to them nor do I want a relationship. It's not a big deal at all for us and nothing has changed since they confessed. I understand that it can be scary and frustrating and annoying that she has these feelings and wants that you can't relate to, but I believe it is absolutely something that you can overcome. It doesn't have to be a big deal or something that defines your relationship as long as you're both on the clear with each other's feelings. 
Since you reacted the way that you did when your friend asked you out it may take some time to heal the damage done, but if she's willing to forgive and forget I think the answer to your "where do I go from here" question is pretty clear. You go forward. Your life is not ruined, regardless of whether you're aromantic or not, and you are not alone in feeling like this. I think the road to discovering yourself is a lot about patience and introspecting; you're rarely going to reach a conclusion right away and that's okay! 

I hope it all works out with your friend!

[snailscout]

Hi @frostboot. Thank you so much for letting me know that you relate and that you kept your friendship intact. I definitely became the problem in this situation and in a silly and probably unfair turn of events my friend is being very patient as I try to get back to normal with her. I'll owe her big time after my head is clear again. Thanks for the reminder to be clear and honest.

 

I'm sure I overreacted in feeling like these experiences were "ruining my life." I think I have to remember that as difficult as it is to feel abnormal and incapable as my family and friends wait on me to hop on the dating -> marriage -> babies train, that I was content with myself before this little disturbance and can be content again. As sick as I am of rediscovering myself, it's nice to know that I'm becoming pretty practiced at it.

 

I really appreciate the support. 💛

[Gnome.1]

Hello and welcome.   The journey of self discovery can be a long and hard one.  At 38 I myself had events in my life that made me question everything and forced me onto that path as well.  Six months later things have settled and I am way more comfortable with myself and my relationships with others.  There are growing pains but things will eventually settle into a new normal.   This might help, it might not,  but I'm going to leave you with some thoughts on love that resonated with me. 

 

 

Love doesn't mean "I want you " or "I want you to be mine", neither "you're good looking" or "you're sexy"... Doesn't mean "I can't live without you" or "I need you ", or "let's be together forever" or any of those things it's often mistaken for.  What it actually means is: "I really like, respect, and appreciate who you are in all your realness and sovereignty, and if there is anything I can offer, without compromising my true nature, that will help you on your path, than it will be a gift to me if you will allow me to give it."

 

In other words when you figure things out for yourself, express yourself to your friend on what your feelings for them are and what you are comfortable with.  If they truly care for you they will adapt and learn to express themselves in a way you are more comfortable with.   I've actually be on both ends of this, not my best friend but the rest of it.

[kiaroskuro]

@snailscout Thanks for sharing your story. I have to admit that it was a bit painful to read because it hit so close to home.

Basically I can only repeat what others have said before: There's nothing wrong with you, it's not your fault that you can't reciprocate romantic feelings, for the time being. Give yourself time to figure things out. At some point I also wanted to slap the label 'aromantic' onto myself, but deep within I knew that it didn't feel right, that the truth lies somewhere else. Mental/emotional issues are to blame, not some orientation.

Aromanticism as a 'lack of romantic orientation' is a valid label, for sure, but if it makes one suffer that much - I don't know. Maybe not a good idea to accept the status quo of suffering, then. I'm afraid I don't really have an infallible solution how to proceed from there - I wish I did. All I can say is that I don't think you have to resign yourself to the fact that you will always push people away. You seem very self-aware and empathic, and that's something to be proud of imho. And it's a good starting point.

 

I found this attachment style video extremely eye-opening and helpful, so a big thank you from me as well, @Ennis.

[Ineverfinisheddragonquest]

Oh my god! Hi!

 

okay so I found your post after searching « I think I might be aromantic and it’s ruining my life » on the internet... i read your whole post, and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It felt like I wrote this and forgot about it, because it’s the EXACT same situation for me!

Growing up, I would see all my friends and my sister having interests in boys, and if the boys reciprocated that interest, then yay! It all worked out, they would be together as a little couple, be happy etc... you know, your typical romance story

And I always always dreamed this could happen to me. I always fantasized about being in love with someone who would love me too and just, you know, be together as a couple! But this never happened, because although I fantasized and wanted this so badly, when the possibility of such a love story could happen to me, something in me literally pushed this away to the point of me being physically sick.

 

ok let me take you back to the first instance.

A boy in middle school who I liked very much and was very interested in confessed his feelings for me. I had a crush on him so those news should be celebrated, right? Well, the second I said I liked him too, I felt the urge to puke. I felt dizzy, scared, angry, and just physically sick. Instead of listening to what my whole body was saying, I decided to follow my dream and fantasy and give it a shot. The problem? It was physically painful for me to be around him. I felt like I could get sick at any point. And even weirder, I was SO angry at him. How dare you do this to me? Why did you pick me? I was so confused, but I pushed and pushed for a month or so, until I could not take it anymore and basically exploded. I told him everything. Of course he didn’t get it and said “I love you” to try to save the relationship. When he said that, I felt like I could have assaulted him, slapped him, punched him. I was so mad. To this day, I still have no idea what happened.

The year following this incident was absolute hell. I went through a whole year of thinking about this situation

e v e r y d a y. It went from “you’re a terrible human being, you broke his heart.” To “it was his fault, he knew what he did to you, he’s a creep, a weirdo.” To “we both did things wrong.” To “it was no ones fault.” To “I hate myself”.... you get it. I could NOT stop thinking about it, to the point where I thought I could never in my life not think about it everyday. It’s been years now and and it did get better, but I’m still not healed from what happened.

 

The second time was basically this exact same story, but I stopped things before they got too out of hand.

Had a crush on a boy, he confessed his feelings for me, felt sick but didn’t push him away, couldn’t be around him but tried, couldn’t do it anymore, stopped it a little abruptly, he was mad, and I had this “circle of hell” for a little while.

 

That’s when I had the realization I was attracted to girls. I mean, this could be the only explanation, right? I mean, why on earth would I break the hearts of my boyfriends if I really liked them? I had to like girls. It just made sense.

 

Except nothing had changed. The same story happened no matter the gender.

 

I gave up for a long long time to try to form any type of flirtatious relationship or develop any interest in anyone, but it made me miserable. Because I still had the fantasies and dreams of MY romance story. Why could all my friends do it? What’s WRONG with me?

 

About 2 years ago, I met a man who was a lot older than me, and was married. I thought he was really handsome and we actually clicked very soon and developed a strong friendship. He told me he was in an open marriage and asked if I wanted to try to start a relationship. And I thought, this is perfect for me! He is married, meaning we won’t be together all the time, I’ll have a lot of space, but I’ll still have a relationship with him, but I’m not the “only one for him” so no pressure. And well, things were well for something like a month and a half, until I exploded. Absolutely exploded, took his heart and shattered it, did not care about saving his feelings at all, I just cared to get out of here, like survival mode, although he hadn’t done anything to trigger this.

I was so sad, but so so so mad at him. Like, furious. One day, when we tried to talk and explain ourselves he tried to give me a hug and I almost lost it.

 

I am so terrified of myself in those situations. I’m scared I will never get to the “other side”.

One time I had talked about all this to a good friend of mine, and she was actually shocked to hear all this because she felt the same way. This “disgust” we feel for our partner, that we can’t explain. A little story about her:

 

She met someone, and confessed to me she was scared to ruin it because of how she tends to react in relationships. She showed me the texts he would send her, thing like : “You looked nice today!” “Hope you have a nice evening” “Your dress today was really pretty” etc... what lovely messages, right?

We both felt repulsed.

But, a few weeks later, they actually started dating, and it went really really well. She was really happy, they were really happy, and stayed together for a long time.

I was so happy for her, but also a little sad, jealous, confused... the one person that got me “made it to the other side”. She met someone, liked him, felt disgusted by their closeness but... she somehow ended in a really good relationship with him. How did she do it? I don’t understand...

 

 

 

anyway, I’m sorry this was so long!

i don’t have any advice or answer for you, but I wanted to share my experiences with you, as I know it helps me a lot to feel like I’m not alone with this pile of poo poo.

i really hope we’ll get it some day.

in the mean time, try to do things that make you happy that don’t involve anything romantic or flirtatious. Take care of yourself and your feelings. Even if they don’t make sense to us at all, they’re still valid. Your feelings are always valid. Being able to understand them, and control them so that we don’t hurt the people around us, that would be la creme de la creme!

[Artila]

I was in a very similar situation, just I never told the poor girl that I didn't love her. I was too much of a chicken and I believe I hurt her too much when I just vanished without a goodbye because I was so conflicted. (I still feel bad about this agh)

 

Thing is, just because someone is cute towards you doesn't automatically mean you must fall in love with them. My girlfriend was basically everything I would've needed in a relationship, logically seen, but I couldn't love her more than I would love a friend.

 

And right afterwards I suddenly feel in love with a boy, seemingly out of nowhere and I didn't even have a chance with him.... or I was too much of a chicken to try it out. That was my very first crush! And I was 21! (still am for some days but lol)

 

You can take the labels you want but your experience doesn't neccessarily mean you are aro, maybe your body is just like mine and doesn't fall in love easily. It's frustrating that we cannot really choose who to fall in love with

 

Keep being open, keep meeting people and experiencing! I wish you lots of success!