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Alterous attraction? And general confusion


Orianaro

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TL;DR Is alterous a sexuality, or can you be aromantic with alterous attraction? And I experience an amalgamation of aro/cupio/recipro/frayromantic/alterous feelings and I'm confused. I just want someone to love.

 

So I haven't been on AVEN in a long time and last I was here, I think I was convinced I was just asexual and aromantic. I am officially confused again. I'm still pretty confident on the asexual part - though not sex averse, it's as simple as "I've never looked at a person and wanted sex with them". Romantically, I think I have elements of the following: aro, cupio and recipromantic.

I've had a fair amount of "attractions" in my life, but I think they fall under a pretty good variety of types. Alterous (which I understand to be an emotional attraction, and or a desire for a relationship that could acceptably become platonic or romantic) describes most of them. I often have multiple, and I have friends (male and female) where I still think "I mean if you wanted to kiss me, I'd be open to that" but I don't want to if they don't. Which introduces the element of recipromantic - the few times I've been aware of a person liking me romantically I've seriously considered them and been excited. But ultimately they were never someone I had any kind of preexisting attraction to (platonic, alterous, or otherwise) so I never really cared. There's some element of I want to have a romantic attraction to someone (a romantic relationship, rather) - which is where cupio comes in. Basically, my ideal scenario is a good friend of mine likes me, and so I end up liking them, and happily ever after. I think cupio is the least accurate because I'd rather a life partner that is closer than platonic, it's not specifically the romantic part I'm looking for (though that is probably the easiest). It's more of the classic human feeling of "I want to be deeply loved" and the easiest way I see that happening is a one on one long term relationship.

 

There's other attractions I don't know what to do with, that I definitely thought were crushes before I ran into the term squish. And even now I'm not sure - they were definitely more superficial than alterous attraction and some of them contained no desire for friendship. One in particular that applies to a couple (I haven't had this in years - last was when I was 13) was this physically attractive kid where I literally thought "I want this person to like me and be interested in me" but that was it. It kind of reminds me of frayromantic - my understanding is it's romantic attraction for people you don't know that doesn't last when you get closer to the. Basically love only from a far. Which applied to this kid too - I saw him at some event and had an opportunity to interact with him, and my feelings were just like "well time to die. There is zero compatibility and we knew from the beginning but it was fun to do." But again - I was really only interested in getting them to like me - like I just wanted the validation of having someone I considered attractive (but was not attracted to) be attracted to me. There's been a bunch of these surface level attraction where I had zero plans for any relationship and on some level I knew we would have zero chemistry. Soooo I don't know what those were.

 

But then I get what I thought were squishes (and I think I still get those) but the strongest and most attractions I get are alterous. I can think of countless friends where at one point, I was of the opinion that if you liked me, I would find that exciting and would happily enter a romantic relationship. But kind of like the frayromantic stuff, that sometimes goes away when after a while. At some point, we have some awkward interaction or I find out something about their life/personality that I would find hard to deal with and it's like my feelings get demoted to platonic-only. And it's a requirement that the person actively have romantic attraction for me to enter a romantic relationship. I think part of that is also I'm still in high school - people are changing pretty rapidly and no one really knows who they are, and in comparison I'm pretty mature and a lot more confident.

 

For some more background about me. I'm female, grade 12, and I've never been in a relationship but have been in a QPR. That was a very strong alterous attraction at first that became a very strong mostly-platonic, which after about 5 months did that frayromantic thing of dying. We were a couple in every sense other than physical, and the reason my feelings died and I now am semi repulsed with this person were not so much the feelings had an expiry date but more what I started to figure out about them as a person. (Incoming rant feel free to skip) They had some baggage that wasn't bad, but I started to realize that a lot of their more eccentric opinions came from a toxic place of not facing something personal. I.e. everyone now finds it hilarious (them included) that they're essentially anarchist and a little communist, but I figured out that they have a very serious problem with authority figures and cannot respect anyone with power over them (taken out rather severely on teachers - everyone had to earn their respect by being a pushover or stupidly understanding, and the ones that weren't very interpersonal had no redeeming qualities which is not fair). Every topic about schools comes back to how the education system is corrupt and horrible, which just comes from their own personal learning disabilities (not severe, but there) which are harder to face because they're considered smart, and yet they struggle with learning in school settings. And yet they don't really try - they channeled that into how the schools are bad, not how they could try harder (they were the sort of smart that didn't work at anything until high school) or differently, or make new arrangements, or come to peace with marks not being a reflection of yourself. Lot of repressed anger at this person for projecting literally every problem they had onto something else, and the faults they accepted were harmless or something they considered not to be a problem. I wish I had realized all of this earlier so I could express it to them when I cared enough to get them to work on it, if only to think I had done what I could. Now I hate being around this person because I know too much about where all their behaviours stem from and they haven't changed or tried to improve themselves or adapt to the world in years and everyone else has been duped that they're just a harmless, intelligent weirdo. There's definitely bias here and it gets more complicated, but anyways. That wasn't my point.

 

I don't really know what do with all of these levels of attraction, and if you can have like multiple romantic orientations or something. I really want to have enough experience to know if recipromantic is accurate, but it's never panned out enough, yet I feel like it could (or I just want it to). I want to be in a long term relationship and the QPR didn't cut it - a large part because of the person and also I just don't know how to socially handle it if my life partner is a "friend". I want someone to move in with and introduce to parents - and I feel uncomfortable trying to explain something that's not even remotely romantic, because I feel like it's so much easier to just move on with your life when it's a QPR situation (which is what we did). That loyalty, commitment, and exclusivity is what I associated with life partners, but platonic feelings are not exclusive, you know? 

 

I'm curious to hear people's thoughts on these various attractions and orientations. I think questions would be pretty helpful too - I don't know what I should be looking at and asking, and I literally only learned what alterous was today so any wisdom you guys have would be great :) Sorry this was so long! Quoiromantic feels very accurate right now.

 

 

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Okay, I'll be honest but please keep in mind that this is just my personal opinion. I can't really know what your orientation is and everyone can interpret their feelings in different ways, identify as different things, and find different labels useful. I don't mean to police or invalidate or offend anyone's feelings, these are just my personal thoughts on this topic. 

 

So.. there were several terms here that I hadn't heard before, and tbh I don't see how some of them are necessarily a separate orientation from just.. romance in general? For example the term frayromantic. To me that just sounds like a completely normal thing that happens. I think it makes total sense that people could find someone romantically attractive when they don't know much or anything about them because then they can just imagine them as whatever is their ideal, they're a blank slate, but then if they get close and learn things about them that they find unattractive.. then yeah, I think it makes sense for the attraction to just go away in those circumstances. That's why there's such a thing as "dealbreakers" when people are considering to date/starting to date and getting to know each other. 

 

Having said that, I'm not really romantic so I don't really have any experience with any of those feelings, so I could be wrong. But to me what you described just sounds like you've experienced romantic attraction to some people but maybe you're like less interested in or attached to the romance aspect itself, you just want some kind of intimate relationship, so it doesn't matter so much if that's romantic or not. 

I can really relate to that part of your post, I also just want companionship with someone who's my best friend but also my partner in life, and my ideal would be a qpr. I just don't think that that necessarily needs a label.. But I can understand why some people find them important and useful. 

 

I think it's normal to not be romantically interested in someone if they're not interested in you (maybe not as common, since a lot of romantic people experience unrequited feelings, but still normal imo). I think it's normal to lose romantic interest in someone if you learn things about them that you dislike and change how you see them as a person. I think it's normal to want to be wanted and intimately loved, and thinking that in the kind of society we live in the best, or even only, way to do that is through a romantic relationship. 

 

Maybe your initial romantic attraction would fade away with anyone. Maybe it's only faded away so far because you've felt it for people who you later realized you didn't like when you actually got to know them more deeply. Whatever it is.. I think maybe it would be more helpful to focus on what you want and what makes you most comfortable rather than on what you are if that makes sense. If your true ideal is a qpr based on platonic feelings, then there you go. Yes, it'd be way harder to find a long term life partner that way because most people are romantic, but that doesn't mean it's impossible and that you have to pursue a romantic relationship if you don't really want one.

If you do want a romantic relationship with someone but the romantic feelings just aren't there, then that's something you can do too but in that case (in any case really but especially one where not everything is compatible) you should really communicate that to your potential partner and let them know how you feel and don't feel, imo. 

 

Another thing to remember is that whatever you are and have and do with a partner is just between the two of you and no one has to know the details if you don't want them to. It's possible to have a partner you have no romantic feelings for without explaining that aspect of your relationship to anyone. And it doesn't mean you have to lie either, just that you don't have to mention that part to anyone if it makes you uncomfortable. I used to be in a relatioship that wasn't romantic but it was intimate, longterm, and exclusive and we did a lot of things that made everyone think we were a typical sexual/romantic couple but it wasn't like that. 

 

On that note, another point you brought up was that the qpr wasn't enough for you because platonic feelings aren't exlcusive and you associate (and I'm assuming want or need) loyalty commitment and exclusivity with a life partner. And well, platonic feelings might not be exclusive in the sense that people often perceive romantic feelings to be.. But first of all, romantic feelings always exlcusive either. Some people end up feeling romantically attracted to more than one person at the same time. And second, a relationship can still be loyal, committed, intimate and exclusive even if it's based on platonic feelings instead of romantic (at least in my opinion). Yeah, you and your partner would still have platonic feelings for your other friends, but it could be exclusive in the sense that no one else would be your Best Friend you know? You could be each others' number one person, significant others, partners in life, just without the romance. 

 

My point is just that I believe that kind of relationship is actually possible, it'd just be harder to find than a romantic relationship. But whatever it is you feel for someone and want with them, if they want to be with you too in some way then just have a long talk and open communication with them to figure out if your wants and needs are compatible. 

 

Some people are very typically romantic and want that kind of relationship. Some people have more laidback romantic feelings and only like getting together with someone that way after knowing them for a long time. Some people have romantic feelings but don't want a romantic relarionship. Others are the reverse and want a relationship but don't have the romantic feelings. Other people don't have romantic feelings for anyone or want to be with anyone in any kind of relationship. Other people have platonic and/or alterous attraction and are satisfied with normal friendships, or maybe they want something deeper like a qpr. And other people will want othet kinds of relationships altogether..

I just think that in any case it doesn't necessarily mean that they have different, seperate romantic orientations at the same time. Personally I think it makes sense to view romantic orientation and experience through the spectrum of "romantic--gray-romantic--aromantic", but that if you start dividing every small nuace of romantic feelings and platonic feelings and just lots of other stuff that's very personal and specific to your individual experience... then yeah idk, of course it'd end up being confusing, you could keep categorizing your feelings into separate labels infinitely. Does that make sense? 

 

I think that certain things don't need to have a specific term and they're just part of general romantic/aromantic or platonic/queerplatonic experiences.

I don't really have any questions or straightforward advice for you sorry. I just wanted to say that a lot of the things you described sounded like normal romantic attraction and loss of romantic attraction to me, and that queerplatonic relationships might be harder to find but they can be as exclusive and loyal as any romantic relationship (also remember that romantic relationships aren't inherently like that. People associate those qualities with them but lots of people cheat, or agree to have open relationship, or are polyamorous or whatever so... it's not so black and white.) I think it's more important to concentrate on what you want than on what labels fit certain feelings, or on what feelings fit certain types of relationships. 

 

To answer your initial questions.. I don't think alterous feelings are a sexuality, I think it's just a type of attraction like sensual attraction for example (but I don't actually know so I could be wrong). But yeah I think someone could be aro, or just not have romantic feelings for someone, and experience alterous attraction. 

 

I hope any part of this long, long, way too long comment helps in any way. But sorry if it just made things more confusing X'D

And again everything I've said here is just my personal opinion. I don't want to invalidate you or anyone else who identifies with any of the labels you mentioned. I just wanted to share my thoughts on all this and offer a different perspective to try to help with the confusion, but not trying to say that that's the ultimate truth for everyone or anything like that  

 

TL;DR, I think a lot of the feelings you described sound like normal aspects of romantic and platonic experience. I think some details like that don't really need to have to be labeled and categorized as a separate orientation, and that thinking about them too much in that way is something that could be more confusing than helpful.

Queerplatonic relationships can have the same level of loyalty, committment, and exclusivity of a romantic relationship, and romantic relationships don't always have those qualities, so I think that whatever type of relationship you want with someone it'd be more useful to focus on your wants and needs than on the name of the relationship. 

And I think that alterous attraction is just a kind of attraction, not a sexuality or orientation. So in theory you could be any sexuality or orientation and experience alterous attraction. 

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Janus the Fox

To me being alterous just mean an attraction to a significant other that is not sexual or romantic to me. Something that is not explainable by any description.

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