Asexuality- Blessing or Curse

[Ziffler]

When I was young, in my teens, I believed asexuality to be a curse. Every Friday and Saturday night, teens would join together for social activities, while I went fishing or watched old movies on TV. I wanted to fit in, be a part of the social scene but couldnt bring myself to participate. Teens enjoyed each others company, touching each other and playing stupid games. I was a loner because I couldnt enjoy groups of people and the whole social atmosphere. So for me, being asexual was a curse. It defined how different I was from everyone else.

Now that I am older and have had the time and maturity to examine my life I find that being asexual is a Blessing. My personality is sort of split. On the one side, I have a physical attraction towards males. A cute guy walk in a room and my eyes go toward him in a heartbeat. If he looks my direction and smiles my heart melts. Females in a room are just there, part of the background. I dont acknowledge their presence one way or another. Friends and family through the years have pointed out different females in a room that were trying to get my attention, some very overtly and I had absolutely no clue. On the flip side, I am emotionally compatible with females. My closest friends have been females. Females confide in me about anything and everything. I know more about PMS and Menapause than any guy needs to know. My female friends will tell me all about their sex lives, their marriages, their kids, their boss, their operations and just about anything else they want to get off their chest. There is nothing like sitting at a restaurant with a female friend and she tells you that she is having hot flashes.

If I had been born sexual with my same personality traits, then I would most likely be gay. For me, with my deep seeded christian belief system, that would have been a Curse. I would have either denied my sexual urges and been very unhappy or surrendered to those sexual desires and lived a life full of guilt. If I had tried to hide being gay and married, then I would have been living a lie with a woman which would also have created guilt in my life.

So for me, in hindsight, I see being created asexual as a Blessing. I live in peace with myself now, which I strongly doubt, that I could of done had I been born sexual.

So the question is:

How do you preceive asexuality in your life?

A Blessing or a Curse?

[Xenon]

Neither. Though I will admit it does have certain advantages -- the lack of interest in sex means that I don't spend time, energy, or money in pursuit thereof. But I'm not sure that in and of itself would qualify calling it a "blessing", any more than my dislike of fish means I don't spend money on it.

[roddy9uk]

Asexuality is a physical (by which I include psychological for the pedants around) condition. To blame or credit a condition for the outcome of your life is foolish IMHO. Human beings are judged ultimately (whether by ourselves or others) on what we achieve with what we have got. Don't waste time thinking about what might have been, what could have been or even what should have been because it isn't. Deal with it and get on with life.

roddy

[thylacine]

It keeps people out of trouble, don't it?

[Parth]

At this point for me, it's a little from both. See I feel blessed that I don't have to deal with the desperation of not getting any and having to constantly pursue that endeavour, but I feel cursed that I can't relate to other people because of this.

I suspect it will get better as I get older, as female friends settle down and start focusing less on matters of sex and dating, but for now it's quite disheartening.

[Ziffler]

roddy9uk wrote:

Asexuality is a physical (by which I include psychological for the pedants around) condition.

Ok Roddy. Now THAT statement has me curious. I would appreciate it, if you would elaborate on what you mean by it. To the best of my knowledge, there isn't any physical difference between me and a homosexual or heterosexual male. I get regular physical examinations and have yet to have a doctor tell me I have a peculair physical condition. And to the best of my knowledge, I don't have a mental disorder either. Unless you are suggesting that anyone who doesn't want sex is mentally unbalanced, and I don't think you mean that in the least. I have also taken mental tests and have gotten a clean bill of health. So I am very curious on what you mean?

Please don't get defensive or aggressive. I don't mean anything personally by my inquiry. I'm just a curious person that likes to learn and know things.

[KAGU143]

This is a good topic for a poll.

To me being A was a curse at first, but ultimately it has proven to be a blessing. Or, rather, I should say that the lessons that I had to learn thanks to being asexual proved to be a tremendous blessing to me.

Because I didn't intuitively understand what my peers were experiencing or what was motivating them, I had to study it and try to figure it out intellectually. In the process of doing that, I learned more about human behavior and human psychology than I ever would have learned otherwise.

It took a long time, but I believe that I am a much better and more compassionate person than I would have been if I hadn't had to study and LEARN to understand my fellow humans; men in particular, since, as we all know, they are such strange and incomprehensible creatures!

:lol:

-GB

[T_Hinker]

GBRD wrote

I am a much better and more compassionate person than I would have been if I hadn't had to study and LEARN to understand my fellow humans; men in particular, since, as we all know, they are such strange and incomprehensible creatures!

Parthenos wrote

At this point for me, it's a little from both. See I feel blessed that I don't have to deal with the desperation of not getting any and having to constantly pursue that endeavour, but I feel cursed that I can't relate to other people because of this.

Ziffler wrote

Teens enjoyed each others company, touching each other and playing stupid games. I was a loner because I couldnt enjoy groups of people and the whole social atmosphere. So for me, being asexual was a curse. It defined how different I was from everyone else.

and

I am emotionally compatible with females. My closest friends have been females. Females confide in me about anything and everything. I know more about PMS and Menapause than any guy needs to know. My female friends will tell me all about their sex lives, their marriages, their kids, their boss, their operations and just about anything else they want to get off their chest. There is nothing like sitting at a restaurant with a female friend and she tells you that she is having hot flashes. I am emotionally compatible with females. My closest friends have been females. Females confide in me about anything and everything. I know more about PMS and Menapause than any guy needs to know. My female friends will tell me all about their sex lives, their marriages, their kids, their boss, their operations and just about anything else they want to get off their chest. There is nothing like sitting at a restaurant with a female friend and she tells you that she is having hot flashes.

Ditto on this, just reverse the gender.

I am still working on it and letting go of the fact that I have lived the lie that Ziffler spoke of being lucky not to have lived. Jury is still out but I am glad that I finally do understand.

[roddy9uk]

Ok Roddy. Now THAT statement has me curious. I would appreciate it, if you would elaborate on what you mean by it. To the best of my knowledge, there isn't any physical difference between me and a homosexual or heterosexual male. I get regular physical examinations and have yet to have a doctor tell me I have a peculair physical condition. And to the best of my knowledge, I don't have a mental disorder either. Unless you are suggesting that anyone who doesn't want sex is mentally unbalanced, and I don't think you mean that in the least. I have also taken mental tests and have gotten a clean bill of health. So I am very curious on what you mean?

Please don't get defensive or aggressive. I don't mean anything personally by my inquiry. I'm just a curious person that likes to learn and know things.

Ziffler is in America..roddy is in UK..that is a physical condition . It defines us (in part) by reference to our physical state.

Ziffler is American, roddy is British..that is a psychological condition. It defines us in part as to how we see ourselves.

A is atracted to B sexually..he/she gets sexual arousal in certain circumstances from considering B That is either a physical condition (if you accept the pheromone theory) or a psychological condition if you accept the instinctive "need to breed" theory. That being so then the state of NOT being aroused sexually by another is also a condition.

Simply because a condition is not one a doctor can identify does not mean there is no condition. It simply means doctors are not omniscient. "A Doctor is one who puts drugs of which he knows little into a body of which he knows less".

Desire is a condition. If the desire is for knowledge it is psychological..when it is for food it is physical (we call it hunger). It can aslo be both at the same time. Lack of desire is therefore a condition. Asexuality is lack of desire and is therefore a condition.

roddy

[Parth]

I would go more with "orientation" or "state" than "condition"... but that's just my opinion.

[vikingo]

When I am unreachable I would say [Neither. Just is.] and I have never felt that I was like incomplete - just different. These days I have placed myself in a situation where I am quite close to a woman which is not asexual. I fear that one day sexual incompatibility will tend to push us apart, so right now [curse] it is.

[KAGU143]

Desire is a condition. If the desire is for knowledge it is psychological..when it is for food it is physical (we call it hunger). It can aslo be both at the same time. Lack of desire is therefore a condition. Asexuality is lack of desire and is therefore a condition.

roddy

I can agree with the semantics here in the very broadest sense, since all states of existence can be defined as conditions. However, for the sake of more insightful communication, it is helpful to restrict the meanings of the words being used, not to expand upon them. It is also helpful to be aware of any connotations that attach to particular words depending on their useage. When referring to any aspect of human health, fpr example, the word "condition" has a negative connotation, so using the term "condition" to describe asexuality implies that it is a type of pathology.

Of course, the terms "blessing or curse" technically imply that asexuality is due to deliberate influence by a divine entity. Not all of us accept that possibility, but the words themselves are conveniently succinct and a more general, non-theological definition is understood well enough to make them useful terms despite their connotative baggage.

So, to word it differently, has the state of being asexual proven to be primarily a positive or a negative influence on your quality of life?

-GB

[Ziffler]

Hey Roddy,

Thanks for answering my question.

Ziffler is in America..roddy is in UK..that is a physical condition . It defines us (in part) by reference to our physical state.

Being an American, I dislike the word "Condition". For me that means an abnormal ailment, as in a medical condition. Using the word state is much more appealing to me and for me being an American defines the statement better.

Living in America is a physical state in that this is where I am, but not a physical condition, because living in America doesn't mean I have a disease. lol.

Ziffler is American, Roddy is British..that is a psychological condition. It defines us in part as to how we see ourselves.

Again, lets get rid of the word "condition" because being an American doesn't mean I am diseased. lol. Psychological state works better, and Cultural state works even better. My being American and you being British are cultural differences. My question is are they psychological? Do we think differently because we live in different countries? Our references are definately different. Our education is different. But the thought processes, Are they different? If two peoples from different cultures can not thing the same (meaning their thought proccesses working the same) then no wonder we have war on top of war.

A is attracted to B sexually..he/she gets sexual arousal in certain circumstances from considering B That is either a physical condition (if you accept the pheromone theory) or a psychological condition if you accept the instinctive "need to breed" theory. That being so then the state of NOT being aroused sexually by another is also a condition

This gets complicated. What of the person who gets sexually aroused, in that their body reacts to stimulus, yet are asexual in that they do not have the desire to act on that arousal? A is attracted to B sexually, as evidenced by certain bodily reactions (physical state) but never considers or desires to (psychological state) act on that sexual reaction.

I think some people get the idea that asexual males are impotent. I for one am not. I have a very healthy sex drive, just no direction or desire to direct that drive. Thus being asexual.

Desire is a condition. If the desire is for knowledge it is psychological..when it is for food it is physical (we call it hunger). It can aslo be both at the same time. Lack of desire is therefore a condition. Asexuality is lack of desire and is therefore a condition.

Ok. I think this is where we differ. In the definition of "condition".

I read that quote and HEAR. I am sick because I have a condition. My lack of desire is a disease.

I know that's not what you are saying. It's just the way I hear what is said, because of my culture and the definitions I place on the word "condition."

I grew up in the 50's and 60's, when here in America, society called Homosexuals sick. They refered to them as having a "condition" or disease. Which, when that is the premise, means there is a CURE! In our society today, everyone has a "condition". Many people are not held responsible for what they do, because they are not considered to be responsible, because of their "condition" that has caused them to do whatever they have done.

The only reason I say all that, is so you will have a reference from where Americans might take offense to HOW you say something, not what you say. I am sure there is also the probability, that HOW I said what I have said, will offend someone from another culture or even here in this society. Words have different meanings to different people.

I wish to thank you for your response. I do enjoy learning. I may not agree with what a person says, but I do believe they have the right to say what they believe without predjudice.

Now back to the original question of this thread.

Roddy, do you believe that being asexual is a Blessing, a Curse, Both, or Neither? I have the sneaking suspicion Your answer would go something like, "It doesn't matter. Just accept who and what you are, and get on with your life." LOL.

Have a wonderful day. And thanks again, for the psychological stimulation.

[bharani108]

Good question. Had me jumping all over the place in my mind. My initial reaction was A Blessing, of course, but then I realized that I stayed in an abusive marriage because I knew I wasn't attracted to 99% of humanity and I was afraid of being alone.

So......now maybe I think that Ignorance is the curse. If asexuality had been a cultural option and some other social model besides nuclear family was available it might be a boon for many types of people with a desire to belong in a herd. The nuclear family is a recent social model and probably won't last long as a major social system. It's already dying with divorce rates rising and single parent households increasing. I've read in several different places that people are grouping themselves in alternative ways. For some their workplace becomes their family, there are different sorts of communes still developing.

The extended family also has serious problems including loss of freedom and in some cases full financial responsibility falling to one idividual who happens to become successful.

I think basically that the human condition is difficult for most people, sexual or otherwise.

That's not to say happiness can't be found, just that it has to be worked at like any other skill

[PollyB]

It is also helpful to be aware of any connotations that attach to particular words depending on their useage. When referring to any aspect of human health, fpr example, the word "condition" has a negative connotation, so using the term "condition" to describe asexuality implies that it is a type of pathology.

-GB

Thank you, I was trying to think of the right way to say that word was worrying me as well.

I also feel that for me the relationships I viewed at the time as "sexual" have been about far more than either pheromones or the "need to breed", (actually they were with my own gender so the "need to breed" wasn't in the picture at all) but as we keep discovering, Avenites have many, very different histories. My asexuality just is, but as is probably clear from lots of posts, I only discovered and named it recently, so can't say what might have happened differently. It can be both difficult and exciting to live outside the mainstream, but there are various ways of doing that, and I've tried a few of them, mostly with supportive communities of friends. And I got the hang of living with the vulnerability of that as a 19-year-old lesbian, long before identifying as a 54-year-old asexual. It's been interesting.

[roddy9uk]

If you really don't like the use of the word "condition" then don't use it but please do not pretend that it in any way changes an argument simply by attributing a different definition to a word used by someone else to that which was clearly intended.

I am english and I speak english. I have to make an effort to understand american, please do me the same courtesy!

Ziffler

I answered your question. Asexuality IS. Live with it, deal with it, recognise it. Stop looking for something to blame. To quote an army officer I once knew.."That may be a reason..it is not an excuse".

roddy

[Ziffler]

Thank You Roddy.

[thylacine]

Hi Ziff... don't know if this was mentioned before up there, because I don't have time to read "everything"... Some person did a study of the brains of gay men & straight men. (The scientist was gay, so he wasn't "prejudiced.") Anyway, there is a part of the brain that interacts with a person's sex drive... it was found that in straight men, the sex part of the brain was larger than in gay men & women... what if, supposing, in asexual people the "sex part" of the brain just doesn't work, isn't there, or whatever... ? This would mean it really was physical and / or genetic. Think about it, people...

[Guest]

I think it's a blessing to any asexual who's accepted themelves in their sexuality, probably not so good for anyone who's still battling with their identity and sexuality, though.

To me, it's a blessing.

I've got nothing to be ashamed of, and even though asexuals are the odity in society, it's no less of a blessing to me to be the way that I am.

[Tanwen]

I said somewhere before (possibly here, possibly lost/wiped) but sometimes I think we overanalyse things. Why not accept that some things just are, they're neither good/evil, blessing/curse. As for meanings, well depends where you are - different countries or even different counties (UK-wise).

It may be best to simply 'agree to disagree'

[brian_w]

[offtopic]

Yay!!!! Tanwen is back :D <huggles>

[/offtopic]

[Tanwen]

*OT - so's the Dragon - you just can't see it yet...huggles*

[DianeL]

I always thought my lack of interest might be due to something different about my brain. The reason I wondered, instead of feeling good if I drank something I would have a hard time paying attention in social situations. I just thought there must be a connection with the two differences somehow.

Anyone else have no pleasure in drinking and only feel worse if they do?

Diane

[Ziffler]

Dianelap wrote:

Anyone else have no pleasure in drinking and only feel worse if they do?

I tried the drinking thing for awhile. Found it didn't accomplish my goal so I quit.

My goal was to get rid of all my inhibitions, so I could have "FUN" like everyone else seemed to be having at social gatherings.

I would drink a dozen or so Rum Sunsets and just about get there and BOOM, Totally sober minded, meaning back to my serious self. Then I would start again and same thing would happen. At one party I drank a Bottle and a Half of Bicardi 151 Rum, and still didn't make my goal.

All that happens to me when I drink is get sleepy and go to bed alone. So why waste the money and time on booze?

I haven't drank alcohol in over 30 years now. Except for Nyquil when I get the sniffles. lol. And that one swig of Nyquil, knocks me out in about 15 minutes. lol.

[thylacine]

I recommend Dubonnet myself. But then, there's always Shiraz.

[lux]

A curse,of course!!!,it is terrible,a tragedy for me to be an asexual person,I would like to be married and to have children like almost everybody,to have my own family or unless,to be able to have a relationship,a romance with somebody who loves me,and not to be alone for ever and ever,and to get old and to die alone,think about it,I think you are too optimistic about this poll.

[roddy9uk]

There seems to be a belief amongst some that somehow a "relationship" will appear..or can be acquired..almost as if one could go down to a shop and buy one to order, and that if someone is NOT in this "relationship" then nothing cna be done about it.

But relationships do not just "happen". They grow out of friendships which themselves grow out of acquaintances. To meet the "right" person you have to meet people! (most of whom will naturally NOT be the "right" person). Yes it IS possible occasionally to meet someone via the personal ads (which used to be called "lonely heart" ads) but there is no more certainty that such meetings will lead to true friendships than any other way of meeting and indeed a distinct danger that you will convince yourselve (wrongly) that you HAVE to have a relationship with anyone you meet in this way because you feel that their might not be another and that this is therefore your "only chance".

You need to meet a variety of people even if only to provide comparisons and to give yourself knowledge of what SORT of person you are best suited to. But most importantly you have to let other people meet YOU. You cannot sit inside a room or a house communicating with the outside world only by computer and expect to meet someone.

The ways of "meeting people" are many. It can be through work: it can be through a church or similar: It can be through a club or society of people with mutual interests: It can be through an organised neighbourhood community: it can be through the simple informal community that gathers in shops and launderettes. Whatever the way you have to be prepared to be "open" and invite conversation without forcing it (and thus putting people off).

If you really want company then you will find a way. But if you bolt and bar the door and shun company then there is indeed NO way you will meet anyone, heart's desire or not.

roddy

[thylacine]

Um, Lux? Listen, I work for a divorce attorney... Getting married & having kids is NO GUARANTEE of happiness, honey. There are a LOT of married couples in the nice pretty suburbs who hate each other and are constantly at each others' throats. Each day, I thank God I'm alone!!! I do not want to come home to a lying, cheating, abusive, drunk of a husband, like so many other women do. Thank God I'm single and asexual. THANK GOD!!! I would rather be dead than trapped in an abusive relationship -- like so many other people are. And yah know what? When people are trapped in an abusive relationship... they DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Because if they talk about it, it means they failed somehow. They believe they failed to have a "successful marriage." So they hide the bruises, or they "fell," or they bumped "into the wall." "Oh, he's so good to me. I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do without him." And the more she says that, the more you know things are bad at home. Because it means she's hiding something, or she's trying to convince herself everything is "okay." I could go on, but I'm telling you... reality is completely different from a romance novel, and fairy tales never come true. People who are happily married are lucky -- and extremely rare. Do not ever wish to have someone else's life. You don't know what your asking for. When people have dysfunctional families, they hide it and tell everyone around them things are wonderful.

[Ziffler]

Thylacine you are so right. 8)

There are happily married couples. My parents were married for 48 years until my mom passed away. They loved each other tremendously. My dad missing my mom every day. But lets be realistic. They had their fights, disagreements and contrary moments. My mom compromised alot to keep her marriage alive. She let my dad do stupid stuff that got them deep in debt many times, instead of fighting over it and then worked and sacrificed to get them back out of debt. I doubt seriously if there is any relationship between two people that is like a Fairy Tale. Relationships that work, are very hard work.

But with a divorce rate of about 50%, there are many, marriages that don't work for whatever reason. That's alot of relationships that fail.

I have a co-worker that has come to work with black eyes and alot of makeup on to cover bruises from her long term relationship/marriage. She know intellectually that she needs to get away from her husband for her own safety and her kids safety, but her excuse? "I'm staying in the marriage for the children." That's hoky! Stay in an abusive marriage where both her and the children are at risk of serious harm, "for the sake of the children?"

All of us at work, expect to be notified of her death one morning. We expect that one night when her husband comes home drunk and she fights with him, that he will kill her. But there is no getting through to her about the danger she is in and her children are in. She is deluded. And only she can stop the abuse. As much as the rest of us care, we can not do anything to stop it, as long as she keeps going back to him.

Nope. I am very happy being asexual without romantic tendencies. In my younger years, I seriously considered marrying, for one reason. I wanted kids. Not my own, but wanted to adopt kids that other people threw away. In my generation, single men could NOT adopt. The problem I faced, was a simple one. Being a Christian, My personal belief is that Marriage is for life. (Please don't comment on Biblical reasons for divorce. Those that believe that way, fine for them, I personally don't believe that way.) So, My problem was, what if I married someone that down the road, we ended up hating each other. Especially since I am asexual and if she thought before the marriage she could change me and then discover she couldn't. I decided that being single and lonely was better than being in a permenant relationship and miserable.

Ok. I rambled. Sorry for that.

Thylacine wrote:

Getting married & having kids is NO GUARANTEE of happiness, honey. There are a LOT of married couples in the nice pretty suburbs who hate each other and are constantly at each others' throats.

I agree.

[thylacine]

Thank you, Ziff... Yes, there are happily married people, but there are also a lot of miserably married people. Yah know, sometimes even when two people are happy together, they might have kids & the kids get all messed up & on drugs & the daughter gets pregnant and the son gets in trouble with the cops, and on and on and on... Just because you have a family, doesn't mean it's going to be like the Brady Bunch with everyone all smiling, happy shiny people, like on TV. Real life is much more complex and difficult than a romance novel or a TV sitcom where everything works out in the end and everyone ends up happily evere after. It's tough enough to be asexual and be on your own, surviving, paying your own bills, etc. What if you were married & had a good marriage and your husband got injured on the job and couldn't work & had no insurance, and you only had a waitress job and you needed to support the whole family yourself? What if you were a "sexual" person with all these relationships and having all these problems that these relationships can bring? Sure, some people find happiness, and that's great. But really, never, ever wish for someone else's life. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There could be abuse, or incest, or drugs, or alcohol, or whatever... Be thankful for what God gave you. This way you can be free from all the stuff most people need to put up with.