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Problems with positivity on Aven


brbdogsonfire

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I am currently in a relationship with a sexual, and I am happy. He knows that I am on the asexual spectrum, and it hasn't been much of an issue since he respects my sexual boundaries, etc. I am sex-indifferent, so my experience is certainly going to be different from someone who is sex repulsed and refuses to have sex to compromise in a relationship (I don't really see it as a compromise for me though because it makes him happy and I can still experience sexual pleasure, although it's never a priority for me). In their case, it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with a sexual, it's true. 

 

I haven't been very active on AVEN because I feel like I'm not "asexual enough" anymore since I'm in a sexual relationship, and its partly because of the lack of positivity toward mixed relationships on here...

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 3/12/2020 at 4:52 PM, Expedition said:

I first posted in this thread to point out that most people wanting sex in their relationship was a fact not a prejudice. This took about two pages for other people to concede. Then another two pages for the same people to concede that mixed relationships are less likely to succeed than ones with compatible orientations, which is another fact. 

 

And for insisting on facts over wishful thinking, apparently I'm some kind of twisted cynic....

Everyone knows most people want sex in their relationship. I really don't get why you think this is some kind of overwhelming evidence against a positivity thread. I think brbdogsonfire was asking why people can't promote the positive. 

 

Your argument is 'because it doesn't work for most people.' There are plenty of threads for those people for whom it does not work, so you don't really need to state it on the ones which are about situations where it does work. 

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 3/12/2020 at 8:14 PM, Serran said:

I dont want anyone to fit a social norm. I have already stated multiple times in various places I do not fit social norms, despite being sexual. I am child-free. I dont like most sexual acts (and could not be with a person that needed them). And I wouldn't mind a non-sexual relationship, so dating an ace wouldnt bother me (with some exceptions... if they were porn crazy or wanted strip clubs like some ace partners over the years on here then that would bug me if they didn't want me). 

 

I said both sides of the debate going on had it true on certain points. And listed the points. For some reason that offends you because I'm sexual... so be it. *shrug*

 

There are both successful and unsuccessful mixed relationships. The majority of relationships are when people are compatible on major points like sexuality, values, etc. It isnt needed in all cases. Which, I'm not sure why you're arguing with me over that point given I listed ... four? examples of successful mixed relationships in the positivity thread. I obviously am not against them. I just acknowledge Expeditions point that the majority of sexuals arent going to work out with aces, while disagreeing with their comparison and siding with Sith on it being a poor one. 

 

The romantic connection existing can be enough for some people. Some dont mind getting sex elsewhere as long as they get emotional intimacy from their partner. Some are repulsed due to something themselves. There are a lot of variables. And if they line up right then it works. But, often there is negativity in the advice threads because ... well, it's not working for the OP and the people relate to what's being said so tell them not to make the mistake of staying if they dont have to and are already miserable. 

 

That sort of bitterness will bleed over some. But, honestly, I think that positivity thread got more examples of working than not working relationships. 

@Serran I'm sorry if you thought I was arguing with you, I really tried to make it clear I was just using your post as a good summary of the arguments that everyone has made and stating my own position. 

 

As someone who has not fitted a social norm - turning up to ante-natal classes alone, being a single parent of a baby - I find the assumption that children must be a result of a partnership and that everybody wants to co-parent a little annoying. Those assumptions made my life pretty difficult. It was hard to believe that I could be a good parent with all the negativity around me, although I do believe that I was and I have some evidence to back this up! So, when you bring the argument about how important kids are as part of a relationship I guess I feel the need to point out that an increasing number of women (and possibly men) will choose single parenthood. Not to mention that most end up as single parents anyway - now my child is a teenager I'm almost in a majority - many divorces have happened...

 

I see the same thing in these discussions - the constant assertions that mixed relationships can't work, that people can't possibly be happy - it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've heard that single parenting can't work, that children could never be happy without a father - my daughter  also absorbed these messages - and these negative messages became the problem in some respect. If we'd had more access to stories of successful single parent families, we could have reflected that, felt more confident and positive, instead of having to fight the negativity. We had enough to fight already, without that. 

 

People react to what they hear, sometimes make mistakes based on hearing 'what works for the majority' and failing to believe in their own path. I've made many such mistakes myself before realising I should have had confidence in myself from the start. I really did know what was best for myself and my child. 

 

I wonder how many people in mixed relationships have found the negativity detrimental to their relationship, or stopped visiting the forums because they can find no reflection of their own positive situation on here? 

 

It's good to see that some couples do follow their own hearts, regardless. 

 

 

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Negativity can push people away. I left a support group I had joined for certain issues I was having in my marriage because the group said it would never work, cut and run while you can. 

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I am sorry folk be factionally opposed to you folk who have a positive experience from these kinds of relationships. I hope folk can find a way to suss out how the way these sorts of relationships might have hurt or hindered them could be a situation that is by no means universal.

 

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On ‎3‎/‎14‎/‎2020 at 10:53 AM, Dethsdream said:

I haven't been very active on AVEN because I feel like I'm not "asexual enough" anymore since I'm in a sexual relationship, and its partly because of the lack of positivity toward mixed relationships on here...

I totally feel this. It's why brb started this thread: he sees more people saying "It'll never work" than "It can work". And those that are positive are yelled at for being "wrong" despite the absolute "never" being factually and provably false. I've never read anyone say "It will work" but I have read "It won't work". No one's claiming it's easy, or possible for everyone, or even statistically likely. 

 

AVEN needs positivity sometimes. Even if the cup is 5% full, some people want to acknowledge that it's not quite empty, okay? 

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