YXSHINN Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 It might just be me, but oriented aroaces I've been getting more hate recently. Reading all the threads and forums, it kind of makes me feel bad? They were mostly targeted towards "lesbian aroaces." Because first of all, it's the only label that currently fits me. I'm 100% sapphic, but I've never experienced romantic attraction before. So this label did help me feel better about myself and made me feel less confused. But on the other hand, the criticism is fair. Just by looking at the term "lesbian aroace," anyone should be able to see how contradicting it sounds. And on top of that, should be able to empathize with actual lesbians. So with all of that going on, I feel better identifying as a sapphic ace instead. I've never experienced romantic attraction before, but the term is just broad enough to make me feel comfortable identifying as such. I was wondering what the members of this community think about this. Especially what oriented aroaces think. Are there any issues with identifying as an oriented aroace? If there happen to be any oriented aroaces here: what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
letusdeleteouraccounts Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I’m a gay oriented aroace, people likely wouldn’t understand it and I don’t exactly expect them to. I’m thinking about just identifying as queer when it comes to non aces/aros because ace and aro feel just way too “limiting” in the eyes of people who aren’t part of the ace or aro community. I’ll explain here how I view life as an oriented aroace. If I tell people that I don’t have the desire towards people to date them and be sexually intimate, they’re going to relate it to asexuality [+ aromanticism]. But then if I’m expressing to a person about how I feel about a guy in relation to an intense aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction for their personality, a squish or platonic crush, sensual attraction, or my autochorissexuality, I’m going to either get labeled as gay or receive an “aren’t you ace?” response. I mean, what exactly do you want from me? To stop being such a complicated human being? Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 1 minute ago, Star Lion said: If I tell people that I don’t have the desire towards people to date them and be sexually intimate, they’re going to related it to being asexuality [+ aromanticism]. But then if I’m expressing to a person about how I feel about a guy in relation to an intense aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction for their personality, a squish or platonic crush, sensual attraction, or my autochorissexuality, I’m going to either get labeled as gay or receive an “aren’t you ace?” response. I mean, what do you want from me? My problem. If I ever were to come out (not very likely), I'd just identify as a sapphic ace. But if we're looking at definitions, sapphic aroace fits me the best. But right now I just can't identify that way without feeling bad. The confidence I have in my orientation is so shaky, I can't even. Maybe I should just shut up and tell whoever I want to tell. 4 minutes ago, Star Lion said: I’m thinking about just identifying as queer when it comes to non aces/aros because ace and aro feel just way to “limiting” in the eyes of people who aren’t part of the ace or aro community Yep, this right here basically. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Hmm. As an aroace I don't consider myself "oriented" but I do sort of understand that in spite of not wanting romantic/sexual relationships, there can still be things that appeal to you that are directed in a gendered way. But what people want to know regarding orientation is mostly a practical matter: what kind of person do you want to be with in a romantic or sexual sense? I could go on about my panaesthetic preferences that lean towards expressions of androgyny and gender ambiguity, but that's a deeper conversation that a label won't come close to expressing even in a basic way. I can understand the appeal of the simplicity of "queer" and tbh I'm kind of leaning towards adopting that myself in less personal contexts. (That might disappoint some folks here, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) It's like when str8 folks assume that any two gay people of the same gender are bound to hit it off - it's an overly simplistic trope to imagine aroace people as being uninterested in other people on any level, or unable to understand any form of personal appeal. But it really comes down to me not wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone based on the things about them that I find appealing or intriguing or alluring. I can see how that may be gendered for some aroace folks. Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 22 minutes ago, Snao Cone said: I can understand the appeal of the simplicity of "queer" and tbh I'm kind of leaning towards adopting that myself in less personal contexts. (That might disappoint some folks here, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I felt that. 29 minutes ago, Snao Cone said: But what people want to know regarding orientation is mostly a practical matter: what kind of person do you want to be with in a romantic or sexual sense? I could go on about my panaesthetic preferences that lean towards expressions of androgyny and gender ambiguity, but that's a deeper conversation that a label won't come close to expressing even in a basic way. I guess I kind of forgot how people approached orientation outside the aro/ace community? Obviously allo's don't go around splitting up their attraction into different types (neither do I. More like I don't really need to lol.) Sounds really stupid, but it's probably why the comments about oriented aroaces threw me off. Thanks for sharing your thoughts by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
Starbogen Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I don't identify as any of those terms but I can relate to that.. I feel like I want too much "relationshippiness" for the average aroace person but too little for the average sexual-romantic person. I've never experienced romantic attraction, have experienced limited sexual attraction, but I feel like I don't need either of them when being with someone. I just want a best friend who also happens to be my SO but in a queerplatonic way. But from the one experienced I've had, it's in a way that to the outside world would look like a romantic relationship.. so if I told anyone "well this is my gf/bf/partner but I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction to them" then yeah... I can see how that would be super confusing to most people. I used to feel like my "not quite platonic but not romantic" feelings were oriented only towards men, then towards men and women but still mostly more towards men, then also towards nonbinary people, and most recently still towards anyone but more towards women and nonbinary people... so I guess I'm pan oriented or I just don't really care. In any case, I've stopped bothering with specific labels in this area and the only word I actually like and that fits for everything and anything is "queer". Link to post Share on other sites
BeakLove Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 54 minutes ago, Starbogen said: I just want a best friend who also happens to be my SO but in a queerplatonic way. But from the one experienced I've had, it's in a way that to the outside world would look like a romantic relationship.. so if I told anyone "well this is my gf/bf/partner but I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction to them" then yeah... I can see how that would be super confusing to most people. What is your objection to it being seen as a romantic relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Starbogen Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 minute ago, BeakLove said: What is your objection to it being seen as a romantic relationship? What do you mean? I didn't really mind that people thought we were together romantically. I just didn't feel about it that way personally and I wanted it to be clear between my then-partner (and any future partner if I have them) and I that it wasn't romantic because I didn't experience romantic feelings. But that's a complicated thing to explain to other people and not something they really needed to know anyway so yeah I was fine with people seeing it as a romantic relatioship. Link to post Share on other sites
Nanju Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 I'm aroace lesbian, and I get what you mean by it sounding like a contradiction! Even when I used to identify as only lesbian ace, people got really confused by my sexuality. The primary thing to remember, I think, is that sexual/romantic attraction is a spectrum, and there aren't any words I know of that describe the attraction between platonic and romantic. I identify as lesbian because I'm definitely drawn towards women and not men. I can kiss both, but I will pick a make out session with a woman over a man any day. And I'm still aroace too! I don't wanna date nobody, and I certainly don't want to have sex. Oriented aroace labels are handy! Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 11, 2020 Author Share Posted March 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Nanju said: I'm aroace lesbian, and I get what you mean by it sounding like a contradiction! Even when I used to identify as only lesbian ace, people got really confused by my sexuality. That's what I'm afraid of, I might just identify differently depending on where I am. 6 hours ago, Nanju said: I identify as lesbian because I'm definitely drawn towards women and not men. I can kiss both, but I will pick a make out session with a woman over a man any day. And I'm still aroace too! I don't wanna date nobody, and I certainly don't want to have sex. Oriented aroace labels are handy! They're handy indeed! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I feel slightly better now. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 While I don't describe myself as oriented, it is pretty obvious that I only have a desire to/am drawn to pursue meaningful relationships with other women. However when that meaningful relationship is friendship, I feel no necessity to describe myself as lesbian. However if the people I felt the most strongly about had needs and goals that aligned with mine, I would hardly hesitate to rebrand our friendship as partnership. I also know that I would never consider this with a man. I typically think of myself as someone who can and does love but not in a way that counts for much. Because of that I keep my feelings to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
maybeimamazed Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 I feel an overwhelming aesthetic attraction to both men and women (more towards women) and that sometimes gets me confused as to whether or not I'm actually ace (pretty sure I'm aro though). So I just consider myself queer. "Aromantic asexual biaesthetic" is way too much for me. I'm not comfortable with overlabeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Curious as to why there must be a lesbian aro/ace sort of thing in the first place. Would you just say I prefer female friends instead of having a contradictory l a b e l ? Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 11, 2020 Author Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 minute ago, KrysLost said: Curious as to why there must be a lesbian aro/ace sort of thing in the first place. Would you just say I prefer female friends instead of having a contradictory l a b e l ? That's why I felt shitty in the first place. I guess saying "I prefer female friends" doesn't really cut it for me. Reason why I'm going to identify as just sapphic in the first place. I get you though. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 minute ago, YXSHINN said: That's why I felt shitty in the first place. I guess saying "I prefer female friends" doesn't really cut it for me. Reason why I'm going to identify as just sapphic in the first place. I get you though. Sapphic makes sense. It kinda has this ambiguous feel to it you know? Like aesthetic-y/fuzzy/I wanna to inhale your hair but not in a weird way sort of feel. Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 11, 2020 Author Share Posted March 11, 2020 Just now, KrysLost said: Sapphic makes sense. It kinda has this ambiguous feel to it you know? Like aesthetic-y/fuzzy/I wanna to inhale your hair but not in a weird way sort of feel. Right~? Couldn't have said it any better. Exactly what I'm going for haha. Link to post Share on other sites
BeakLove Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 This thread is the first time I've heard of "sapphic". Link to post Share on other sites
Starbogen Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 This is very off topic but is there a term that's the male/male-adjecent equivalent of sapphic..? Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 Labels, when told to others, are meant to convey important relationship information quickly. The problem with oriented aroaces is there isn't a great label for this. I imagine that if I were to tell someone I'm a pan-oriented aroace I would be met with WTF faces like 🙄, 🤨,😵, 😳. If I tell someone I'm AroAce they think I am not open to being in relationships and am sex averse. If I were to tell them I'm pan they would think I feel attractions and desire relationships like they do. That does not mean I don't experience all other forms of attraction. It does not mean I want to be loved, valued, and appreciated to a lesser degree. Perhaps "queer" is the more known and accepted term, but oriented aroace or pan aroace is far more descriptive. I wish it were more understood so I wouldn't have to present a thesis defense every time I want to say my orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 13, 2020 Author Share Posted March 13, 2020 5 hours ago, BeakLove said: This thread is the first time I've heard of "sapphic". Really? Glad I could be a first! I hope you know what it means..? Link to post Share on other sites
YXSHINN Posted March 13, 2020 Author Share Posted March 13, 2020 5 hours ago, Starbogen said: This is very off topic but is there a term that's the male/male-adjecent equivalent of sapphic..? There is! "Achillean" I believe! Link to post Share on other sites
DarkStormyKnight Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 It's frustrating for sure, but unsurprising. People have a hard time accepting that asexuals and aromantics exist, throw in an "oriented" on top of that and they're going to get really confused. Which isn't fair and is stupid, but that's how it kinda is. Link to post Share on other sites
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