Jump to content

"It's Not You, It's Not Me" Short Film


Heart

Recommended Posts

A new short film is out!!! I'm so excited. The film maker is a local Vancouver actor and director, and she made this film based on a real story. She did so in close consultation with asexuals, and I think the film really hits home for many of us who have been in mixed relationships.

 

Quote

Video Content Warning: Implicit Sexual Content
------
Hi everyone!

Just wanted to share that our asexual short film is now live on both Facebook video and YouTube! 🤗

I wrote and produced this film based on a relationship I had with someone on the ace spectrum, and I hope that it encourages more ace stories to be represented in media.

If you've got any questions or feedback about it, lemme know!

I'm also publishing an interview I did with [Heart] tomorrow where we explore the film, so keep an eye out for that too!

https://youtu.be/dqhgnfFi_e8

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

OH! And it comes with a handy meme that stars me! :D

 

88281223_552039689002369_846292270243119

 

I can't make the image show :(

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, Heart said:

Already came across that meme in a Dutch ace group, so your face is spreading 😉

Link to post
Share on other sites

I kind of don't know what to make of that film ... what's the message here? "No matter what you do, you'll both be miserable"?

Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, weird elf said:

I kind of don't know what to make of that film ... what's the message here? "No matter what you do, you'll both be miserable"?

It's a reflection of one's experience; a way to show others what it feels like to be in such a position (a relationship with different desires).
I guess it has the goal of informing people about it, rather than showing a positive side of the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Makes sense now you put it that way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Koning said:

Already came across that meme in a Dutch ace group, so your face is spreading 😉

Oh wow,  I'm famous :D😍 :redface:

Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving

A really well done piece, and so close to things I’ve experienced it felt a little heartbreaking to watch.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving
8 hours ago, Homer said:

I kind of feel the person writing this article misses the point of the film. I agree that asexual people shouldn’t be guilted into sex etc, but at the same time I felt the film accurately portrayed a very real part of some asexuals lives, especially in mixed couples who didn’t start out understanding one person was ace.


I know that I’ve personally lived that scene, I didn’t see someone being coerced into sex, I saw someone responding to a partner voicing their perfectly reasonable feelings by trying to give someone they cared about what they needed, even if it wasn’t the right choice for them.

 

I honestly felt the film worked hard to show, and succeeded in showing some of the pain of being asexual and trying to navigate a relationship with a sexual partner. If it had gone to awesome sex and high fives all round, then maybe the article would have been on the nose, but I felt each character was sympathetic, and valid.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Low End Things
6 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I kind of feel the person writing this article misses the point of the film. I agree that asexual people shouldn’t be guilted into sex etc, but at the same time I felt the film accurately portrayed a very real part of some asexuals lives, especially in mixed couples who didn’t start out understanding one person was ace.


I know that I’ve personally lived that scene, I didn’t see someone being coerced into sex, I saw someone responding to a partner voicing their perfectly reasonable feelings by trying to give someone they cared about what they needed, even if it wasn’t the right choice for them.

 

I honestly felt the film worked hard to show, and succeeded in showing some of the pain of being asexual and trying to navigate a relationship with a sexual partner. If it had gone to awesome sex and high fives all round, then maybe the article would have been on the nose, but I felt each character was sympathetic, and valid.

I feel the exact same way. Watching that sex scene was hard; the "look" the guy gives just before they get to penetration sent chills down my spine. I've been there, and the pain I'm sure he's feeling is soul-crushing. Even if you're sex-favorable, seeing your partner frustrated by your lack of innate attraction sucks.

 

It's clear the story was written from the perspective of an allosexual and that's why it's so effective. Very good art comes from our personal experiences; it's hard to fake such raw emotions in storytelling without having experienced them yourself. 

 

I usually avoid ace content on Youtube, so this was a nice surprise.

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Homer said:

Wow, this article does a really good job of describing just why this film is so visceral. It's not a feel-good film, and the article hits that nail on the head.

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

Maybe one day we can also have feel good ace films. And maybe (dare I hope) even aro films. But for now, I think it's super important to be able to process our collective trauma at having to go through this kind of experience (for those who are resonating with it).

 

Gah. So many smart people out there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey everyone!

 

Jaymee here (allosexual who wrote and acted in the film). Thanks to Heart for sharing and collaborating with us on the film and the interview, and thank you to everyone who's taking the time to watch it, and share their thought!

 

Re: Article
I completely understand where the author is coming from, and I shared many of her concerns before publishing the film. We shot INYINM in July of 2017, and finished post-production in 2018. In that time, I learned more about filmmaking, but I was also taking time to learn about mental health, in order to improve my own (particularly through cognitive behavioural therapy).

 

And the more I improved my mental health, the more my perspective shifted in my art from purely wanting to write out of my own catharsis, to making sure that I'm not just imposing trauma on my audience, but leaving them with hope and something they can learn and apply to their own lives. Which is why I reached out to Justine to make a follow up interview, because she is an amazingly eloquent speaker who knows much more about the ace experience than I do (and also happens to be a really good friend!).

 

-----

 

In real life, a similar incident happened with my partner at the time, and kind of like Tina at the end of the film, I remember feeling really, really confused. I hadn't intended to, but I felt like I'd taken advantage of my partner, and I felt deeply uncomfortable at the thought of ever having sex with them again, knowing that they weren't really into it.

 

And from their perspective, they were going through a lot of stuff too, asking things like, "If we don't have sex, are we just friends?" And they definitely had a lot of insecurities about their role in our relationship, that sometimes did manifest in them wondering if it was just me they weren't attracted to, as opposed to being ace, which is understandable - it's really, really confusing and hard to figure out.

 

Like what Low End Things said, I don't know if at the time, I could've written a happy ending because it's not how it ended up going. Or at least not for a short film. I think it'd need to at least be a feature film, or a 30 minute short to cover the conversations that would need to happen, because they're complicated, nuanced conversations that take time to figure out. In the process of making and publishing the film, I've also met more aces that are in healthy mixed relationships, so I'd have more folks to chat with to help write that story authentically.

 

-----

 

I think the one silver lining to it being such a dramatic film, is that it seems to be showing allosexuals that aces don't have it easy. But I think the next step would definitely be to show how to navigate those conversations and come out with everyone in a good place.

P.S. Also, I really love comedy, and would love to tackle stuff the way Sex Education does 😍

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, JaymeeMak said:

 

Like what Low End Things said, I don't know if at the time, I could've written a happy ending because it's not how it ended up going. Or at least not for a short film. I think it'd need to at least be a feature film, or a 30 minute short to cover the conversations that would need to happen, because they're complicated, nuanced conversations that take time to figure out. In the process of making and publishing the film, I've also met more aces that are in healthy mixed relationships, so I'd have more folks to chat with to help write that story authentically.

 

If you think you could fit all those required conversations into 30 minutes, then you're infinitely talented! (Which you probably are, but that's beside the point :P )

 

I feel like a happy ending would require at least three seasons and counting of an hour long episode per week. It's a long journey for many of us :(

 

But this is a really good start. I genuinely believe there's value in discomfort, and in telling the unhappy stories too. There's obviously need for happy stories to balance it out, but without the unhappy ones, we are effectively lieing to ourselves and pretending everything will be ok...

Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing is there are many different points of view and experiences and it's impossible to capture all of them in one short piece. I'd say that it would be very difficult to do justice to all even with multiple longer pieces. Maybe something for more filmmakers to delve into over time. :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you kindly for putting a voice (our voice) out there.  This is important, very important. 

 

Personally, I think this film is going to rattle around in my head far longer than it should, simply because those were the reactions I experienced first hand.  Those choices your characters made @JaymeeMak became real regrets for me.  "Sex is a waste of time.", or "We/I don't have time for sex right now.", how many times have I said that?  How many times have I thought that knowing saying it out loud only makes the situation worse?  Giving in is a short-term fix to something Chris could not satisfy and that isn't all that Tina wants from sex.  That is the real disconnect in a mixed relationship that I've experienced. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

https://coldteacollective.com/what-i-learned-after-being-in-a-relationship-with-an-asexual-person/?fbclid=IwAR0ZFDNNL1LE5TuWYZXkvt6gEQ_6Ac8wjO1HvQWzpoNQ0v6YsBC5EEsMjf4

 

An article written by the local filmmaker that made this film about her experience in making it and what it's based upon!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 7 months later...

I'm only seeing this now, being someone who is only just coming to terms with being ace and being a new member. 

 

I don't think I remember the last time I've been moved so deeply. So much in this video resonated with me and it breaks my heart to think about how long I spent doing this. The number of times I tried to cover up by saying I had low libido, blaming it on anxiety or medications, forcing myself to have sex to keep my partner happy while feeling disconnected and unhappy. The way it hurts to see someone you love feel unwanted. Ahh...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...