Mixed Relationships: Positive Experiences

[RavenAlyssa]

Hey all!

 

I've been noticing a lot of negativity on here towards mixed (ace/allo) relationships. While it's true that these relationships come with many difficulties, long conversations, and compromise, that does not mean they are impossible! These relationships can work well, and have worked well! And as someone in such a relationship, it makes me sad to see so many people discouraging these relationships or telling people that if they're in a mixed relationship, they should leave because it probably won't work out. That ignores all the nuances of both the individuals involved and the relationship they cultivate that could allow for such a relationship to be successful.

 

I guess I just wanted a place to counter this -- a place for people to find encouragement and maybe a few ideas about making their mixed relationships work. So, to those who have been in mixed relationships: what are your stories? Your positive experiences? Your relationships that have worked well (and are still working well)? What has worked for you in building, cultivating, working through the difficulties in these relationships? Perspectives from both sides of the equation are welcome, of course!

 

I am hoping to have a general attitude of positivity here. Of course it is okay to discuss the difficulties that led up to the current relationship, or to contrast past relationships with the present. It doesn't all have to be fluff, but encouragement is encouraged!  🍰

[Expedition]

Hopefully there'll be plenty of posts, but happy people tend not to hang out on forums.... just a bit of expectation management. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I particularly wonder if they are any successful ace-allo relationships without sex. Some people just can't stand it and shouldn't be pushed to force themselves to do things which are traumatic to them.

[Traveler40]

24 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I particularly wonder if they are any successful ace-allo relationships without sex. Some people just can't stand it and shouldn't be pushed to force themselves to do things which are traumatic to them.

Then why get into a relationship with a sexual? Loving someone entails caring about their needs (both ways).

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Predictably doing well with the positivity so far, I see... 

 

(I'd love to see some positive posts; I tend to avoid this sub- forum because it is - with a few exceptions - so dispiritingly negative towards asexuals who are in relationships with allos. I have enough negativity in my life as it is.)

 

And as an aside to this, it really does make you wonder why so many sexuals stay in a relationship with an asexual if it's so awful..

[Whore*of*Mensa]

4 minutes ago, CBC said:

No one is trying to not be positive. It's reality. Do people want fake positivity instead of reality? What's the point in that?

There are some very positive stories on here, actually. And the thread asks for positive stories. Therefore maybe the negative experiences can be discussed elsewhere, as they often are?

 

If your answer is 'there are no positives' then fine. That's one way to respond to the OP. But just coming out with negatives is actually off topic. 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

43 minutes ago, CBC said:

An asexual who sees nothing missing is unlikely to end it

They just need pointing to here, most would feel so bad about themselves on reading some of the posts they'd just leave straight away I reckon. I certainly would if I was ever with someone who was feeling that way and talking about me in that way. 

[Abigail Rose]

Perhaps some of the issue is perception based. One can assume that an experience that works a certain way with a particular person is acceptable or enjoyable by all. The key is asking if you want to know so in a sense all relationships of any sort are mixed to the point of beliefs and life experiences that form those beliefs. The whole idea is in itself positive even when people quickly realize their too different to desire each others company. It is the desire to explore and find comfort in each other and that we can share things with confidence that gives us the strength to truly be our selves. At least that is what I hope for.  💜

[RavenAlyssa]

33 minutes ago, CBC said:

No one is trying to not be positive. It's reality. Do people want fake positivity instead of reality? What's the point in that?

Look y'all, you can discuss the difficulties elsewhere. There are plenty of places for that. The reality is that there is difficulty, but there is also happiness. And there are stories where things do work out wonderfully between ace/allo pairings. That's what this is for. Please do not bring up leaving; that should not be relevant in this thread. Take it somewhere else.

 

30 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

There are some very positive stories on here, actually. And the thread asks for positive stories. Therefore maybe the negative experiences can be discussed elsewhere, as they often are?

 

If your answer is 'there are no positives' then fine. That's one way to respond to the OP. But just coming out with negatives is actually off topic. 

Thank you.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I particularly wonder if they are any successful ace-allo relationships without sex. Some people just can't stand it and shouldn't be pushed to force themselves to do things which are traumatic to them.

Several ex members have that setup. Padante, lady girl, etc all posted about it 

[RavenAlyssa]

2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I particularly wonder if they are any successful ace-allo relationships without sex. Some people just can't stand it and shouldn't be pushed to force themselves to do things which are traumatic to them.

 

3 minutes ago, Serran said:

Several ex members have that setup. Padante, lady girl, etc all posted about it 

You can find parts of their stories under the thread "Sexual Compromise and Support" (it's pinned) around page 15 (and many other pages but that one has some good posts). It's a long thread and hard to filter through (I read about 25 pages of it) but I learned a lot from it.

[Traveler40]

50 minutes ago, Serran said:

Several ex members have that setup. Padante, lady girl, etc all posted about it 

I haven’t been around long enough to know these folks. Are they still here? Still together?  And more interestingly, I wonder if they knowingly entered a sexless union or found themselves in one and figured out ways to be happy within that?
 

Were they also low libido and therefore better able to meet somewhere that was doable for all?

[RavenAlyssa]

3 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I haven’t been around long enough to know these folks. Are they still here? Still together?  And more interestingly, I wonder if they knowingly entered a sexless union or found themselves in one and figured out ways to be happy within that?
 

Were they also low libido and therefore better able to meet somewhere that was doable for all?

I'm not completely sure of the answers to all your questions, as I wasn't there that long ago, but I believe some are still here. Most seem to be less active or not active. Can't really tell whether they're still together.

 

In that particular thread, there were a lot of people who entered into a mixed relationship not knowing it was going to turn out like that. LadyGirl's marriage was like that. It also seemed that she and others had fairly "normal" to high libidos. A brief summary of LG's situation: she was feeling sexually frustrated even with the arrangement she had with her husband for a while (sex once a month). After some time she eventually made the choice to become celibate, and she found that she was actually happier in that decision, as it removed the hope of sex and the uncertainty of when sex would happen. I don't know if this changed later, as I only read so far into the chat. But it seems that depending on the people involved, the different preferences and compatibilities and levels of desire to stay together,  despite pretty large differences it is possible to find a happy solution. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I haven’t been around long enough to know these folks. Are they still here? Still together?  And more interestingly, I wonder if they knowingly entered a sexless union or found themselves in one and figured out ways to be happy within that?
 

Were they also low libido and therefore better able to meet somewhere that was doable for all?

LG found out after many years of marriage and entered it after a brief separation. Padante always knew his wife was ace and accepted it. There are others also who are open (feral, great wtf). 

 

Their old posts should still be around. 

[SithLord]

So some positivity! I get realism and everything, which is why I'm always trying to be straightforward with mixed relationships. Most involve sex, so sex-repulsed individuals may not be willing to be in such a relationship, and many sexuals may not be willing to be in a relationship without sex, so I tend to break down the different possibilities for members involved in mixed relationships.

 

I am an asexual who has been with my sexual partner for 6 years. We're engaged as of a few months ago and neither he nor I have any plans to have a future without the other. He's known I was ace since the beginning and it wasn't always easy, but we've made it. Yes, our relationship involves sex, but we've found a middle ground where I'm not making myself uncomfortable and he's not tortured by its absence. He describes himself as low libido and does not believe most sexuals are capable of being with asexuals unless they also have low libidos. 

 

He tries to post positive "it's possible" posts whenever mixed relationships come up, but he's very blunt and realistic like me. He's also bad about voicing advice, and posting in general, so his voice isn't very present on AVEN or the Sexual Partners sub-forum. 

[KiraS]

Over twenty years here. It didn't start out that way, but we grew together and having a partner who 1. is respectful of my triggers and 2. is queer in similar ways and not going to freak out or fetishize me is more important for me, personally, than weekly nookie. I have enough bad experiences with sex that the idea of sex as an essential way of communicating love in a relationship just doesn't work.

[KiraS]

It doesn't help much that my last round of polyamory hell involved a unicorn hunter and chaser who didn't respect boundaries. I don't have the health or the energy to put myself out there for another round of that right now.

[Traveler40]

2 hours ago, KiraS said:

a unicorn hunter and chaser

What is that?  I understand a unicorn company as it pertains to capital markets, but what does it mean in the context of polyamory or relationships?

 

EDIT: Nevermind.  I was googling the wrong thing. Got it now, and I see why you’re put off...

 

[TheSunshineKid]

My partner and I have been together nearly 6 months now, and it’s going really well. I suppose that’s not very long compared to lots of people on here, but I figured even a small success story is worth posting. I’m not a huge fan of posting personal details on forums, but if it would help anyone out there to hear a bit more, just let me know.

[KiraS]

Oh yeah, a "unicorn" in polyamory is a person available to be a third partner but who demands minimal time and effort. Among bi people, "unicorn hunters" have a bad reputation when it comes to cruising for bi partners to fill a fantasy. 

[uhtred]

On 3/8/2020 at 11:34 AM, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Predictably doing well with the positivity so far, I see... 

 

(I'd love to see some positive posts; I tend to avoid this sub- forum because it is - with a few exceptions - so dispiritingly negative towards asexuals who are in relationships with allos. I have enough negativity in my life as it is.)

 

And as an aside to this, it really does make you wonder why so many sexuals stay in a relationship with an asexual if it's so awful..

There are lots of reasons that people end up in mixed relationships, but I think a common one is lack of knowledge.   That can take various froms:

 

Neither the sexual or asexual person was aware that asexuality existed.  The sexual keeps trying to figure out what they are doing wrong that is driving away their partner, and the asexual doesn't understand why all their partner thinks about is sex.  (my situation - took 25 years to figure out what was going ont).

 

Sometimes people fall deeply in love before they recognize the incompatibility.  The decide to wait for sex, and the discover that one of them doesn't ever want it (even though they thought that they would). 

 

Sometimes they stay in miserable relationships for all the sorts of reasons that people stay in unhappy relationships - feelings of self doubt, insecurity etc. 

 

 

I'm sorry, I know the OP wanted something positive, but for many of us this incompatibility has been a source of life-long unhappiness. We feel trapped - often by our own love of our partners, in a relationship where we are generally unhappy. 

 

There are a few happy examples, but I think its quite rare that both parties are actually happy.  (my wife thinks we have found a great compromise - I don't have the heart to tell her how far away it still is from what I need). 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

As a preface: I'm wary of weighing in – to be asked to be a standard bearer of "positive" when there's a blanket statement about negativity.

I think there's a world of difference between starting "knowing it" vs. "finding out later". Or "suspecting it" as is often the case in this subforum – i.e. the partner's behavior aligns with asexuality but they aren't communicating). And even with "finding out later" there's unfortunate (but rare) situations where a partner is pulling "asexuality" out of an excuse bag, and it turns out they just wanted to break up. Because, surprise, a lot of folks aren't interested in sex with someone they no longer feel love/trust/bonding with.

So yeah uh what you call negativity may often just be realism. As @SithEmpress points out. A lot of the bad stories feature "bad communication" or "lack of empathy" (often both).

About my relationship – my partner of 15+ years formerly identified as "bi" but as of a bit over two years ago as "ace" thanks to a suggestion from my LGBTQIA+ savvy gender therapist.

He's always "compromised", I just never understood why I always seemed to be the one that wanted it. (Before this he was "bi" because he had said "yes" to couple others, and had no preference in it.) It was still devastating. To me sex is entangled with how I express love (so I felt unloved); he's wary of encouraging me to be celibate because of that.

I think we now explore the fuzzy borderlands of sex-indifference and low libido + responsive desire (or is it responsive arousal?). Low libido: he's never had any interest in porn, zero fleeting thoughts/fantasies, would go a couple months without "solo" if I stopped asking, says he would be happy with never having sex (but celibacy worries him on my behalf, he doesn't think that's natural for me). BUT he's physically capable of doing it 2+ times a week. (Yeah uhhhhh T took me for a spin.)

We communicate very well. I don't want him to feel pressured to have sex, and I want the experience to be good for him.

To that end (low pressure), I'm not held to monogamy. (Notably we also had an open relationship when we first started, so it's not a "new" permission, but is renewed.) But neither have I tried to pursue other partners – partly for time reasons, and partly because what matters most to me is focusing on having a positive, loving relationship with my partner.

In the end I'm pretty lucky though – see – I can have a sex change and he loves me throughout. (That probably was part of my initial attraction; perhaps I was unconsciously attracted to the lack of preference, or maybe I was uncomfortable with being desired as a woman.)

I write updates in this thread: 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

7 hours ago, uhtred said:

I'm sorry, I know the OP wanted something positive, but for many of us this incompatibility has been a source of life-long unhappiness. We feel trapped - often by our own love of our partners, in a relationship where we are generally unhappy. 

Fair enough. Sorry for objecting to negativity, doesn't seem to have done the trick...Asking for positive stories seems like a bit of an outrageous thing to do here..

 

I'm not invested in it personally. I feel for those who are. 

[ryn2]

It’s not likely too many people with positive stories to tell would find their way to this particular spot.

 

Aces in happy mixed relationships may be on AVEN for non-relationship-issues reasons but are more likely to frequent some of the other subforums.

 

Sexuals in happy mixed relationships aren’t likely to be on AVEN at all.

 

Doesn’t mean they don’t exist (maybe they do, maybe they don’t) but this subforum self-selects (by existing) for sexuals with relationship challenges.

[RavenAlyssa]

Okay, fine. I hear you. I give up. Obviously positivity is unwanted here; people would rather complain and commiserate on every possible thread, even the ones that ask to avoid that. Personally, I really like hearing from those who are happy in their relationships, who are working things out. It can be informative, inspiring, and encouraging, and can help those with challenges. If these relationships don't exist on here, so be it -- better to leave the thread empty than to tint it with negativity like all the rest.

 

I apologize for my anger coming through, but I was really hopeful something like this would offset the negativity I was receiving from other places. But this has only made it worse. Big fail on my part, I'll remember not to try again.

 

And I'll have you know, my relationship is going wonderfully, despite being in the apparently doomed category of mixed. My girlfriend and I are happy together and are determined to make it last. Despite our differences in sexuality, we communicate constantly about what and how we're feeling, and we work things out. I try to learn more about her, (which is why I came to this forum) and she tries to learn more about me (which is why she follows an ace subreddit). Sometimes I help her when she feels want. Sometimes she has to ignore it, as I am not always comfortable with it. Usually, she lets me determine what we do and when, because for her, it doesn't have as much value if I don't also want it -- so it would turn out being a negative for both of us if we did it. As I tend to fluctuate between sex-repulsed and sex-positive, there are times when we both can enjoy it, despite that it's a bit of a different type of experience for me than for her. She's willing to give up sex completely, if that's what I want -- but neither of us wants that right now, so hopefully that won't ever be the case. I'm curious about exploring with her, and she's made our relationship a completely safe space for me where I can always feel comfortable. 

And we're happy in the other many areas of our relationship as well. We have disagreements, we hurt each other from time to time, but we work through it and we communicate even the negative feelings. We spend time enjoying each others' company, and doing fun things together, and having deep discussions. It's not perfect, but we're happy and we love each other, and we've decided to dedicate ourselves wholly to our relationship. We're one unique couple with our own unique personalities and preferences, which happen to allow for us to work together. Not all (mixed) relationships will work. But ours does, and others do too. We exist.

 

I hope at least one person can be encouraged by this. Then at least I won't have failed completely.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, RavenAlyssa said:

Obviously positivity is unwanted here

I think you are misunderstanding.  I think every person that comes to this sub-forum wants positivity.  Your request here really is no different than that of a sexual person that has just found out that the love of their life may be asexual.  They all want the positive message and the magic incantation that will make happiness a life long given.  None are here seeking the message that divorce/break up may be the only solution.

 

When I read your OP I wondered what you might be actually looking for.  I bumped into the word "encouragement" and thought, "That's cool, the same story from the asexual here on the sexual sub-forum."  I am one to wonder about this kind of thing.

 

The problem is, with your post and those of the other's seeking encouragement, that rosy glasses may inhibit ones idea of what a positive outcome would be.  Maybe the encouragement you seek is still in the thread.

 

For example, a red flag of sorts from my perspective, your girlfriend has told you that she is willing to give up sex completely.  I thought that too.  You might think this a positive thing.  I did.  It turns out that I could give up sex as easily as I can give up breathing.  For me this need happens in the midbrain and no amount of logic can change it.  It is how I am wired.  Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that your girlfriend is wired in this way;  I'm of the belief that you have a relationship that you are worried about and want to keep and here I am listening to your description and wanting to raise my hand and point to this thing that was a hidden bump in the road for my relationship.  It may mean nothing.  It probably means nothing.  But I care enough about your request and empathize with your situation to want to know that you know that this thing might not be what it appears to be.

 

Enough of that.  Some positive as per your request:

 

When I first came to this group I fell apart with the new knowledge.  Everything died.  Suddenly I felt that everything I had hoped for my relationship was over, that I had been a pretty much life long ass to my wife, a rapist, alone, selfish, selfish that I was feeling alone.  I cried.  You could say that this guy that the world sometimes see as Spock had a complete emotional meltdown.  That's the negative.

 

I researched.  That's what I do.  When I was comfortable I brought my wife to AVEN and left her alone.  We began a new tack in our discussions (years long by the way) of trying to close this chasm that we both wish to close.  It has completely changed our communication.  Really.  We have each been learning from a new angle.  And the positive?  All of that emotional fretting I experience was for nothing.  None of it was true, not really.  We are closer and more open now with this part of our relationship than we have been in years and we are both happier for it.

 

2 hours ago, RavenAlyssa said:

And I'll have you know, my relationship is going wonderfully

Yay!  I mean that.  It is encouraging.

[KiraS]

On 3/8/2020 at 2:48 PM, CBC said:

No one is trying to not be positive. It's reality. Do people want fake positivity instead of reality? What's the point in that?

Reality is that people have not been having sex for as long as we've been having sex. Reality is that just about every week I'm seeing articles about people like me who choose celibacy because we're unwilling to deal with the messy and extreme risks of dating. Reality is that many people can't or don't have sex for a wide variety of reasons including economics, family structure, and medical needs. Reality is that not every mixed-orientation relationship is a dead-bedroom tragedy. 

 

Reality is complex, diverse, and messy. Projecting the personal as some form of universal truth isn't reality, it's just being passive-aggressive. 

[KiraS]

Whatever.

 

"What does sex mean to you?" Really needs to be an important question to deal with in the relationship. Not everyone will answer the question in the same way, and you really can't make assumptions about how someone will answer it based on their sexual orientation. 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

3 hours ago, KiraS said:

Reality is that not every mixed-orientation relationship is a dead-bedroom tragedy. 

The 'tragedy' narrative seems very entrenched here.

 

I've also noticed that any time an asexual states that they are in a happy relationship with a sexual, someone will comment as Mountain House did, with something along the lines of 'but how happy is your partner, really? Do you honestly believe your partner would be OK without sex? That's a red flag,' even when that person wasn't asking for an analysis of their relationship  and had not even said that they weren't having sex.  

 

I don't know if that's why nobody dares to be too positive; it's very quickly crushed. 

[uhtred]

1 hour ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

The 'tragedy' narrative seems very entrenched here.

 

I've also noticed that any time an asexual states that they are in a happy relationship with a sexual, someone will comment as Mountain House did, with something along the lines of 'but how happy is your partner, really? Do you honestly believe your partner would be OK without sex? That's a red flag,' even when that person wasn't asking for an analysis of their relationship  and had not even said that they weren't having sex.  

 

I don't know if that's why nobody dares to be too positive; it's very quickly crushed. 

I think the problem is that there are a lot of sexuals here who are very unhappy but whose partners think everything is fine.   As recently as a year ago my wife expressed complete surprise at my being unhappy with our almost complete lack of sex  - despite my having told her very clearly, multiple times in the past.    Sex has declined again and I'm sure that if I bring it up, for the 8th time she will be "completely surprised".   I'm convinced she is not making it up - she just at a very deep level doesn't understand.   (she is not at all sex repulsed, sometimes enjoys it, but it doesn't mean much to her, so she just doesn't bother most of the time). 

 

Someone who is sexual posting about being happy married to an asexual would be very interesting.   

 

Sorry, I'm being negative again.  (and I really mean it when I say sorry).  I start out trying to explain why many people are negative about this - and end up being negative myself and compounding the problem. 

 

I think the feelings on both sides of this just run so deep that its difficult for people to resist posting.