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I dont feel connected to whole Ace thing


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Hola....

 

So for those who do know I just loath being ace. I dont have ace moments. I like making sexual jokes, I like writing smut, I like reading smut. I have no problems with sex. I wanna try it one day. 

 

And that makes me feel sooo not ace but I dont feel any sexual attraction to anyone and that makes me ace. I get along with sexual people just fine but ace people... I dont know sometimes they remind me of vegans and I cant really handle vegans. Bring me down for not being ace enough.

 

I just cant seem to really connect with other aces much. I have a few I get a long with but otherwise I dont know I feel like I just dont belong and it makes me want to rip my hair out. 

 

And Im just irrtated with being ace. I have enough problems as it is and this is just added to my list of things I dont want or wanna deal with.

 

I just wanna hit my head against the wall and have my problems vanish. 

 

This is just me venting a bit about the whole ace thing. 

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Someone Else

Makes sense.  Yeah, I don't really connect too much either.  I don't have those ace moments either, I may not even be asexual...although I'm not interested in genitals. 

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15 minutes ago, GatsbyGirl said:

I have no problems with sex. I wanna try it one day. 

 

And that makes me feel sooo not ace but I dont feel any sexual attraction to anyone and that makes me ace.

I mean.. if you want to try having sex just for the sake of having sex, and hate identifying as asexual, then what's stopping you from just considering yourself a sexual person who simply hasn't felt that attraction to anyone yet? 

I get it if it's more like that you've had partners you were attracted to otherwise but sexual attraction just never happened though.. but if you're a younger or inexperienced person and you are interested in having sex someday just because you want to feel that for someone then yeah, couldn't you just identify as sexual? 

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This is why I always say it's a label, not a box.  If it comforts you or gives you confidence, use it, if it doesn't, don't.  It seems to be more aggravating and isolating to you right now - I'm sorry.

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Lord Jade Cross

Ace traitors, join the legion! XD

 

Ok now in all honesty. At first I may have gotten a wee bit too hardcore into it because it provided a sort of "Holy shit, it all makes sense now!" feeling. Buuuut as with anything, my mind says "if it's too good to be true, well you know how it goes" and now I find I can neithe identify well with with either side be it ace or allo. Guess I'm the weird, in the middle, undefined type. Heh like a black sheep amongst black sheep. At least that's consistent enough :)

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The Abhorred

I don't understand the "I don't belong here" thing you said. You seem to have us all aces to be all the same. I don't feel, I joined this forum to merge with anyone or to feel I'm in a group of people where we all are the same versus the rest. You just got it all wrong. You should think this as this, I have a situation and I need advice from others who have similar experiences and they might help me. Not as a social club you must fit it.  Not all vegans are preaching to others what they should eat. So maybe the "I don't belong here" should go to whoever tries to make you be the one, in the only way they know one must be, confusing right, dogmatic people is maybe the term. 

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And you are still here so there must be something else 😉 ?

 

The vegan comparison did cross my mind as well because of the "herbivore men" trend in Japan. But I envy vegan people for following their principles and having a metabolism that lets them do it.

 

Also if you don't feel like asexuality is your thing, then you may still not be in balance. Being out of balance is something that pros can help you with. You may wish to check with a sexologist. It could fall into place in one direction or the other.

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@The Abhorred Exactly. I think no-one relates to every single comment for example on the "Incredible ace moments" thread. There's even contradicting experiences shared sometimes. Instead, the point is that here you're more likely to see something to relate to than irl. It does not mean you wouldn't get along with allo people, it just means that since your sexuality is different, there's going to be some things aces might get better than any allos. Even if you were personally closer to allo people than any ace irl (which is even expected, since it's pretty rare to even meet any aces irl).

 

Also, there's sex-neutral, sex-aversed and sex-favoured aces out there. The experience around, for example, sexual jokes, can naturally be very different between different types of aces.

 

@Saphoune It came also to my mind that "not wanting to be ace" could be a libido thing instead of sexual orientation thing, or struggling with expectations as ace (was a serious issue for me). I don't really understand, why one would not want to be ace, if not for social pressure or expectations etc.

 

Anyhow, this can very well be due to my own ignorance, so I think only the op can know whats the cause. It might ask for personal introspection sometimes to sort out causes and correlations tho.

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1 hour ago, Starbogen said:

I get it if it's more like that you've had partners you were attracted to otherwise but sexual attraction just never happened though.. but if you're a younger or inexperienced person and you are interested in having sex someday just because you want to feel that for someone then yeah, couldn't you just identify as sexual? 

But since I have never been sexually attracted to someone and that I think I have a low ass libido so it makes me feel like I dont fit under sexual as well. I just sorta feel outta place. 

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58 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Ace traitors, join the legion! XD

 

Ok now in all honesty. At first I may have gotten a wee bit too hardcore into it because it provided a sort of "Holy shit, it all makes sense now!" feeling. 

Same XD I was like awwwww yeah here we go and now Im like : D F U C K

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33 minutes ago, The Abhorred said:

I don't understand the "I don't belong here" thing you said. 

Its about community, knowing that you arnt alone, that you arnt the only one who feels like this but no matter what ace people say and do from preferring cake to being fine with never having sex is just not something I connect to. 

 

I know there are different aces but the majority are "cake over anything related to sex."

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1 minute ago, GatsbyGirl said:

But since I have never been sexually attracted to someone and that I think I have a low ass libido so it makes me feel like I dont fit under sexual as well. I just sorta feel outta place. 

Sexual orientation is thing different from libido. You can be allo with low libido (or ace with high libido). Sure it's not average to be allo with low libido, yet that definitely doesn't make you ace :)

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24 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

And you are still here so there must be something else 😉 ?

Maybe its the fact I am not connecting with the ace or allo sides? That I dont think I could even be in the middle.

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6 minutes ago, naakka said:

 

@Saphoune It came also to my mind that "not wanting to be ace" could be a libido thing instead of sexual orientation thing, or struggling with expectations as ace (was a serious issue for me). I don't really understand, why one would not want to be ace, if not for social pressure or expectations etc.

 

If you dont mind me asking could you clarify on the libido part?

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The Abhorred
3 minutes ago, naakka said:

 Exactly. I think no-one relates to every single comment for example on the "Incredible ace moments" thread. There's even contradicting experiences shared sometimes. Instead, the point is that here you're more likely to see something to relate to than irl. It does not mean you wouldn't get along with allo people, it just means that since your sexuality is different, there's going to be some things aces might get better than any allos. Even if you were personally closer to allo people than any ace irl (which is even expected, since it's pretty rare to even meet any aces irl).

 

Also, there's sex-neutral, sex-aversed and sex-favoured aces out there. The experience around, for example, sexual jokes, can naturally be very different between different types of aces.

I don't know any aces irl. And with allos we got other things in common. Asexuality is a part of who I am but there are other parts that can be common or different with allos or aces.

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1 minute ago, GatsbyGirl said:

I know there are different aces but the majority are "cake over anything related to sex."

So perhaps you're suffering from the "minority inside minority" thing?

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3 minutes ago, naakka said:

Sexual orientation is thing different from libido. You can be allo with low libido (or ace with high libido). Sure it's not average to be allo with low libido, yet that definitely doesn't make you ace :)

Libido doesnt go hand in hand with sexual attraction ....or does it?

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2 minutes ago, GatsbyGirl said:

But since I have never been sexually attracted to someone and that I think I have a low ass libido so it makes me feel like I dont fit under sexual as well. I just sorta feel outta place. 

Well then how about the grey inbetween space? Or just not bothering too much with labels if nothing really fits? 

I also feel like I can't identify as either asexual or sexual, so I have grey-ace written there on the side but I'm honestly not that attached to any labels when it comes to my sexuality/orientation these days, aside from queer to mean just "none of the other labels, or a complicated combination of them". 

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1 minute ago, GatsbyGirl said:

If you dont mind me asking could you clarify on the libido part?

I don't know what to clarify? :D

Libido = sex drive = "feeling eager".

Sexual orientation = towards whom the libido is aimed at (at no-one, in the case of ace). 

There was a good metaphor once: libido equals the feeling of hunger, sexual orientation is your taste or what you want to eat.

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10 minutes ago, GatsbyGirl said:

Libido doesnt go hand in hand with sexual attraction ....or does it?

No, not necessarily:

13 minutes ago, naakka said:

Sexual orientation is thing different from libido. You can be allo with low libido (or ace with high libido). Sure it's not average to be allo with low libido, yet that definitely doesn't make you ace :)

Also, I think being ace with high libido isn't average? Anyhow, it sounds like your "minority inside minority" feeling could be caused by you being sex-neutral/sex-favourable (instead of sex-aversed, which is, at least your stereotype about the community)? Rather than a libido thing? Well, all I'm doing is just guessing :D

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The Abhorred
3 minutes ago, GatsbyGirl said:

Its about community, knowing that you arnt alone, that you arnt the only one who feels like this but no matter what ace people say and do from preferring cake to being fine with never having sex is just not something I connect to. 

 

I know there are different aces but the majority are "cake over anything related to sex."

Yes they might, but this doesn't necessary means that they would want to change you or lecture you for thinking otherwise. I have the opposite problem, how to live in a world where everyone wants to be in a relationship and how much it bothers them. I don't mind that, it's their thing but it is the real life and I feel excluded. This is a forum, you can log off. 

You can find what you are looking for by talking to a sexual person or maybe you'll find aces who can understand you. I don't have the majority in other issues in my life as well. You don't have to find a whole group of people who are just like you, you just need to find at least one person who can hear you.

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2 hours ago, Starbogen said:

I mean.. if you want to try having sex just for the sake of having sex, and hate identifying as asexual, then what's stopping you from just considering yourself a sexual person who simply hasn't felt that attraction to anyone yet? 

I get it if it's more like that you've had partners you were attracted to otherwise but sexual attraction just never happened though.. but if you're a younger or inexperienced person and you are interested in having sex someday just because you want to feel that for someone then yeah, couldn't you just identify as sexual? 

Ditto on this. I didn't feel that spark until I was like, 28, so it could even just be that it hasn't happened for the OP yet. 

 

@GatsbyGirl - aces come in all shapes and sizes anyway. There are heaps of aces here who write and read smut, who make sexual jokes etc (though usually they know they don't want sex).

 

Asexuality is a lack of a desire to connect sexually with others. Maybe you just haven't felt that spark yet, maybe you never will. But there is no one way to be asexual. You're not connecting to a certain type of vibe that some ace people have (not understanding sex jokes etc) but many aces are not like that at all.

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18 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

I feel totally isolated as somewho who is demi but has no interest in relationships and romance irl. Just enjoying fantasies. 

I'm the same but I don't use a label. I decided a few years ago that labels are just totally pointless for me, haha. I'm 'sexual' but.. it's all completely confined to fantasy and fiction so far in my life (and a few online interactions which are pretty much like fiction that can interact back with you, lol!). Been celibate for like almost 9 years now and still fantasy is all that I need. :)

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Someone Else

It's a really common story here to hear about how an ace felt so wonderful to have found asexuality and to "not be alone."  But a lot of us didn't feel any special relief in finding this stuff.   If anything I realized I was more alone than ever before.  

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5 minutes ago, GatsbyGirl said:

Maybe its the fact I am not connecting with the ace or allo sides? That I dont think I could even be in the middle.

In a way it is also good that you don't try to fit in: at least you will never get trapped in a label.

 

The ace side is not all cakes and rainbows. It is also complicated relationships, compromises and difficult self-acceptance from what I have heard. On the allo side, there are the actual allos and the other ones who guess or pretend that they are. Grey is a large umbrella term covering more than 50 shades. As high libido, occasionnal sexual joker and advisor with low sexual attraction, virtually kinky and overall weird person I don't have the keys to the grey house. But as far as I am concerned you would be welcome if you ever think that this place has a better public for sexual innuendos.

 

 

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I feel like I've heard a term for this. Isn't cupiosexual the term for someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction but still wants a sexual relationship?

 

That sounds like it might just be another term for sex-positive, I don't fall under this umbrella so I can't be sure. Just thought I'd throw it out there for someone more intelligent than me to clarify. 

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Funny, I'm of the belief there's more gray-asexuals than full asexuals.  I would agree the space is slightly more geared towards full asexuals (and sex-repulsed/neutral ones at that), so I think many grays come here, see that they don't fully identify as asexual, and leave.

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18 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

Funny, I'm of the belief there's more gray-asexuals than full asexuals.  I would agree the space is slightly more geared towards full asexuals (and sex-repulsed/neutral ones at that), so I think many grays come here, see that they don't fully identify as asexual, and leave.

Dunno, I feel like there's a mix here. 

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