How much do relationships consume you?

[Snao Cone]

I have had friendships go sour and sometimes I reflect on that and sigh, but it doesn't seem the same as what a lot of romantic people go through. Does it really take years after a breakup before it stops hurting on a regular basis?

[Guest]

It really changes from person to person.  What can be helpful is think about the good memories. After  a while the memories will make you smile and hopeful.  Friendships  do end sometimes but life goes on. I still think about my exs. But  I tend to think about the good memories rather then the what if.  I wish you the best of luck! 

[Lord Jade Cross]

For some it does, for some it doesn't. I don't think there is a clear cut answer to this

[Philip027]

I don't think they do at all?  My past crushes and partners always retain a special place in my heart, but I still wouldn't phrase it as being "consumed" by them.

 

I'm probably the weird one here because I've also wondered if I've ever really experienced crushes at all because I've never really felt "crushed" by them; it's always just felt like an uplifting experience.  (I don't wonder about that anymore, but I used to)

[argar]

Hmm,

 

It has never really been that hard for me to drop people from my life.

 

In general, if you are not in my immediate life, I generally will just forget you and move on.

 

I am not 100% sure this is a good trait, but I have never been afraid from walking away from people or groups of people.

 

It has helped me get away from toxic relationships. 

 

I value the friends in my life, to a point.

 

I am much more comfortable on my own usually. 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

In regards to dating & messaging, entirely. To the point where I need to outright stop talking to someone because my head is so cluttered. I do work in extremes in general though to be fair.

[MakeupJunkie4]

I wouldn't know about romantic relationships, but for me, my platonic breakups with close friends seem to mess me up just as bad some the breakups of other people's relationships. It's different for everyone.

[Soul Searcher]

I've never had much in relationship department. Never had more than a couple friends. In my early days, who I called friend changed frequently. And now, the two friends I have, I have not talked to them in months. 

 

Talking about romantic relationships, I am not qualified to say anything. But it must hurt right? You more than just like them and a loss of something like that is definitely gonna take a toll on you. But I think that's subjective. Everyone delas with things their own way. Some might get over it in days, some never do. I don't think there's a specific answer for that.

[lowLifeLoner]

No experience with relationships, only a close friend (but considering I'm seemingly aro its kinda the same idea) its been over a year since we stopped talking and I still can't them out of my mind. It was the first person that I was that close to so it probably makes it worse. 

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Yes...My break-up from my husband was over 5 years ago, and I just cannot get over it. I don't know how to.

 

When I think about it, I have always had this image of a screaming toddler lying on the floor flailing their arms and legs, punching the ground, and sobbing 'it's not FAIR.' That's me. I've locked the screaming toddler away in a box inside my mind but she is always there. 

 

I guess it's because I planned my life around him; my whole future was supposed to be about him. That's not something you do with friends to the same extent. 

[SithLord]

For some, yes, for others no. Each relationship and each person is different. I've only had 2 relationships and the first one was barely anything more than friends, so breaking up was super easy and preferred. My current relationship ending would devastate me because he's been part of my life for over a decade and my life would be very different looking forward. I've made a lot of plans with him in mind and he's integrated into my family. Losing him would be pretty intense. 

 

My friend has had quite a few relationships. Some end where they've decided to become friends and it's sort of worked out, others were pretty shit and even though she moved on quickly, she was not in the right head space for a relationship for a while (she had a dependency issue jumping from one partner to another). She got over it eventually and moved on, but she's never seemed truly unable to move on, it's just not a very good idea some of the time. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I’ve never really dated, being an aroace, but I’ve had a friend that I cut off and doing so hurt for over a year because I really appreciated that person. That situation gave me a lot of perspective on what people go through with break ups and being rid of a person you just care so much for

[DarkStormyKnight]

Both platonic and romantic relationships have messed me up prettyyyyy bad. In general I have no idea how to get over people so that could have something to do with it.

[AceMissBehaving]

Honestly for me after breaking up with an ex, it’s been kind of awkward afterwards, but I’ve never been devastated by it, and I’ve always been fine after. I would say I’ve probably felt more hurt by close friendships that have ended than I have past boyfriends. 

[Zagadka]

The relationship was a lot more damaging than the breakup. I moved across the country and took a year off of school. When we broke up, I just realized I didn't know why and I didn't like it or want it again. Turned around and never missed it or felt it.

[Unleash the Echidnas]

On 2/28/2020 at 7:55 PM, Snao Cone said:

Does it really take years after a breakup before it stops hurting on a regular basis?

My sense is it depends quite a bit on circumstances. In general, it seems easier to be the person who leaves than the person who gets dumped. And the less it's a surprise the easier it usually goes. Can't say I have much experience as I'm in the low single digits for relationships but my breakups have pretty much been formalities that just acknowledge the obvious by making things officially over. However, I know people who've been devastated and eventually ended up in therapy using PTSD mitigation techniques to break out of looping over their breakup.

 

A couple factors which seem particularly significant are the ways in which a person trusts their partner and the extent to which they arrange their life around that person. Generally, the longer you're with someone the more you have a life together and less a life of your own which, as @SithEmpress mentioned, makes breaking up a bigger deal. it's kind of a tricky thing to measure, but I wouldn't really say I've been in a healthily functioning relationship for more than a year, which isn't long enough to bend your life that much. So I've not had to deal with kids, mutual pets, a co-owned house, or anything like that. Friends who have usually found it a lot tougher, though I do know one guy who got divorced because his teenage daughter got fed up, gave a scathing critique of the marriage, and politely but quite correctly told him he was being an idiot.

 

It's also been my experience the people who take breakups the hardest often tend to be somewhat naive or willfully overoptimistic about their partners. For example, someone I know who's now divorced out of a closed marriage knew her husband was sleeping around for at least a decade before they actually split. However, instead of calling him on it, she built up a fiction that there was no problem which then imploded when they guy's behavior finally became too blatant to ignore. Another is a quite sexual friend who has a decades-long string of past hypersexual partners she's split from after finding out they were cheating but doesn't seem to be able to break the pattern.

[Abigail Rose]

The whole idea of two people giving each other their time, because it feels right for them, is just wonderful. There are times sadly when change takes us in opposite directions and we feel so many different things based on how it all really goes down. I can't say that there has ever been a real relationship, that I truly wanted, which I did not give of myself until the point of no return. You could say consumed me I suppose, but I prefer to say committed. It is just my way to commit for life. The fact that they don't do the same is irrelevant. It is my heart to give after all. I let the moment go but never forget the feelings. I still feel the same way I did the day my first love broke my heart. If there is any hope left I keep trying. If not then fine but I carry it all like a trophy even if I never get first place. When I got divorced a while back, after years of trying to keep hope alive, I knew what had to be done for my sake but there is never a day that I do not wonder still if I missed something that could have made it work or for that matter resent myself for not having the ability to take it any longer. To my knowledge, the years to get over my relationships are lifetime wide and regardless of what I need to do to protect myself. Sorry if that is not the kind of answer you were looking for.