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Ridding oneself of loneliness


SorryNotSorry

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Lord Jade Cross
56 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Hmmm, I spent a good couple years in a disassociative state not feeling like I needed any form of a human connection. Usually the real world was boring and my characters kept my mind entertained. I don't remember feeling lonely at all and didn't have any form of a desire for human connection. The people I did interact with were forms of momentary entertainment when I wasn't hardcore dissociating. I didn't see them as people though. More like moving things that blabbed.  So humans can live without social connections just fine. Or maybe it's just me. 

Not in a disassociative state but I feel similar to this. I will find anything else far more entertaining that other humans to engage in. Even at work, I prefer to do my job in quiet peace over having to chat it up like others do.

 

 

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SorryNotSorry

 Whatever your opinions about my decision, to me it feels like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, one monkey that won’t hop onto my back anytime soon.

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6 hours ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

Unlike @LiteraryTea, I'm not laughing at that perception.

Nice assumption. My response had more to do with the fact where if I say "I'm lonely" the last thing I (personally) want to hear is "get a hobby". 

 

I'm glad putting yourself into a hobby/skillset works well for you. It's nice seeing constructive ways for people to overcome obstacles.

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23 hours ago, CBC said:

I don't see it as "overcompensating love", I see it as finding someone who complements who you are and brings you more fully alive. I think it's a beautiful thing and I enjoy wanting and needing that even if it causes pain sometimes as well. Wouldn't change it for anything.

But to each their own.

 

23 hours ago, CBC said:

There are people who are worth trusting. Being loved is affirming. Giving love is deeply fulfilling. Shutting that possibility down sounds sad.

Passionately said! Love it! :blush:

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Just now, CBC said:

Oh thank you. :)
My belief in love is tempered with a healthy dose of misanthropy at times though haha, lest anyone conclude I've got my head too much in the clouds. And relationships can be difficult, people can still hurt each other even when they don't mean to, etc. But still worth it, imo. 

Totally agree with you and I wouldn't change it for anything (hobby, pets, etc.). Love hurts, love heals! Love rules the world! :wub:

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Phantasmal Fingers

This is a very interesting thread. 🤔

 

Most people seem to be saying to @Woodworker1968 "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!" whereas the op is arguing that existential fulfillment - if you want to put it that way - can be achieved not through relationships with people but through other means.

 

There must be more to these hobbies than meets the eye... though the op's avatar and some of his comments do sometimes convey an impression of someone having abandoned something valuable because of being unable to deal with the distressing circumstances it was bound up with. 

 

Having said all that though, as an aro-ace I've definitely been perceived as missing out or missing 'the point'. I don't see it that way though. Even if I could I wouldn't change that aspect of myself... 

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I think there's one more thing to it that's being overlooked - the difference between getting into a relationship out of "need" vs getting into a relationship as a kind of bonus to an already fulfilled life. If for whichever reason OP were to decide to allow another human into their life, it would not be because they'd need a person to "make the loneliness go away" (sorry, non-native speaker and way too tired to word, I hope you get what I mean), but because said person has something to offer - or they have something to offer to that person - that adds more to a life that was, is and will be good enough on its own, consequently with one less string attached.

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3 minutes ago, weird elf said:

the difference between getting into a relationship out of "need" vs getting into a relationship as a kind of bonus to an already fulfilled life. 

This is important, and basically true, though I think for many of us, it's the difference between expecting a relationship to fulfill needs it just can't, like being basically okay with who we are, and enjoying the things that only a relationship brings, like intimacy and giving and receiving one on one love. 

 

As you say, eschewing the second because it isn't the first is throwing the baby out with the bath water. 

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Weeeeell ...  I still think in a forum containing aros that's a bit too amatonormative. Not everyone does enjoy those things, and others (myself included) may have decided that the things that might be enjoyable are outweighed by the drawbacks so all things considered it's not worth the trouble. And that's the kind of place where I understood OP's post to come from.

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2 minutes ago, weird elf said:

Weeeeell ...  I still think in a forum containing aros that's a bit too amatonormative. Not everyone does enjoy those things, and others (myself included) may have decided that the things that might be enjoyable are outweighed by the drawbacks so all things considered it's not worth the trouble. And that's the kind of place where I understood OP's post to come from.

Hence 'many of us'. Even on AVEN, half of asexuals don't identify as aromantic. 

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Phantasmal Fingers
40 minutes ago, weird elf said:

Weeeeell ...  I still think in a forum containing aros that's a bit too amatonormative. Not everyone does enjoy those things, and others (myself included) may have decided that the things that might be enjoyable are outweighed by the drawbacks so all things considered it's not worth the trouble. And that's the kind of place where I understood OP's post to come from.

I personally don't have a problem with amatonormativity. Most people are romantic, after all. But neither have I made a cold, calculating assessment of the relative pros and cons of romance and decided the latter outweigh the former. 

 

The only problem is that aro-aceness (and asexuality for that matter) is defined negatively. Trying to explain to a romantic that I'm not interested in romance is a bit like trying to explain to a golfer that I don't play golf. If I move onto the golfer's ground I can't use his terminology to say to him what I want to say without it seeming to him that I must be missing out.

 

But actually it's not like that. I'm not lonely, I'm not interested in romance for the same reason I don't play golf - it's not the way I want to live. Though to extend the analogy, I have nothing against other people who do play golf, and sometimes we meet and have interesting convesations in 'the 19th hole'. 🙂

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Phantasmal Fingers
17 minutes ago, CBC said:

My brain made that way dirtier than I know it's meant to be.

 

#IAmWhoIAm 🙃

Never mind, eh? :P

 

From now on, though, I shall refer to it as 'the 19th orifice' :ph34r:

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9 minutes ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

I shall refer to it as 'the 19th orifice'

Is this moving towards alien sex stuff now?

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Phantasmal Fingers
1 minute ago, Expedition said:

Is this moving towards alien sex stuff now?

As an aro-ace I have no (non-faceatious) comment to make on sex, alien or otherwise. :P

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Just now, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

As an aro-ace I have no (non-faceatious) comment to make on sex, alien or otherwise. :P

Facetious is fine. More than fine. Mandatory.

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Phantasmal Fingers
1 minute ago, Expedition said:

Facetious is fine. More than fine. Mandatory.

And of course womandatory, transmandatory etc, etc... 😆

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Even more worrying, there are people out there who were keen enough on the idea to actually draw those images. 

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I define myself as Aro/Ace.  I have no wish to be in a "romantic" relationship and never have.  I have many interests that I am passionate about, the major one being music and especially the piano.  If other people feel lonely that they are not in a loving relationship, I am sorry, but it doesn't affect me.  However, I like to connect with people through friendship.  Even with that I have no wish for suffocatingly close friends.

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Phantasmal Fingers
4 hours ago, Mz Terry said:

I define myself as Aro/Ace.  I have no wish to be in a "romantic" relationship and never have...

 

I like to connect with people through friendship.  Even with that I have no wish for suffocatingly close friends.

Yep! Uh-huh! Too right! 🙂

 

Not that I dislike music btw. 

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Wanted to comment on this. Forgive me if this is rambling.

Everyone is different. But do believe humans are social and need some interaction with others. Whether that is online or in the real world face to face. Depends on the person.

I struggle with loneliness, being alone, and have moods or waves of depression.

It is harder meeting new people and making friends when you are single and in your thirties or above :( and not looking for a relationship or anything physical. Find I don’t have a lot in common with other people around my age as most of them are married, divorced, and/or have kids. Have always had trouble making friends, and letting people in and opening up.

Hobbies to me are a band-aid fix. They keep my mind occupied and busy. But wonder what would happen if something happened to me. Would anyone notice? Would I be missed? If I was in the hospital would anyone visit me? Or some other crisis?

Know I am different and not like everyone else, being asexual. But at times feel I missed out in life :(

Few non-aces understand this :(

I am content being single. And know a traditional relationship wouldn’t work out for me.

Have learned you have to be happy with yourself. And happiness comes from inside of you. And not look for someone else to make you happy. Or other un-productive and/or unhealthy means to either numb the pain of loneliness or depression as an escape.

It’s helpful to know I am not alone in this and do have support :)

But struggle at times to fight the spiral of depression and loneliness :( Not good at faking it or “trying to be happy” when really I am not :(

But have learned the hard way to reach out to people I know to vent or just talk to. Online groups and social media has helped before when I am depressed to know I am not alone or the only one who struggles.

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16 minutes ago, CBC said:

 I mostly have my parents and that's it, and they'll be 76 and 80 this year. Although I guess we love each other, we also don't have the greatest connections. I just try not to think about it.

Part of my problem is my parent passed away. They had me late in their lives.

I get trying not to think about and keeping busy. It does not always work :(

 

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@Chef Remy

I can relate so much. Damn, it's hard to try and make yourself happy without simultaneously fooling yourself into believing that you don't need others at all. Most people seem to know intuitively how to find a balance.

But I still struggle to learn how to walk this thin line.

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  • 1 month later...
SorryNotSorry

To bring the gist of this thread back on track... when I got my diagnosis of Asperger's a couple of years ago, that more than anything affirmed my justification for banishing romantic love from my life. It was a keystone moment for me. These damned ASDs are as bright red a flag there is as far as hetero women are concerned. Besides, I doubt even many hetero-asexual women would want to get into a mutually caring relationship with a man who never wants to have sex with them or anyone else.

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Guest Ca$hrina
18 minutes ago, Woodworker1968 said:

To bring the gist of this thread back on track... when I got my diagnosis of Asperger's a couple of years ago, that more than anything affirmed my justification for banishing romantic love from my life. It was a keystone moment for me. These damned ASDs are as bright red a flag there is as far as hetero women are concerned. Besides, I doubt even many hetero-asexual women would want to get into a mutually caring relationship with a man who never wants to have sex with them or anyone else.

Surely there's Aspie women out there who'd fancy you...

 

Replying to the thread: I wonder about that myself a lot. Not Aspie. Just weird. For so many reasons.

 

I've always had my hobbies and my things too. I have some professors who are totally like that, intellectual hermit types. A bit on the aspie side, some more than others. Well over 60. They clearly like what they do but... I don't know. They look very lonely. I look up to them but I don't quite want to be like them.

I like to think that one day I'll find my people. I'm working on that. Maybe one day you can too.

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SorryNotSorry

Yeah, maybe one of these years some robotics entrepreneur will brave public ire and mass-produce the first robotic romantic partner that can pass for a real human. I have pretty good reason to suppose such bots will be a godsend to millions of men with Asperger’s.

 

After all, would you be more accepting of a robot programmed to love you, or a human with a toxic personality who makes you unhappy?

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1 hour ago, Woodworker1968 said:

After all, would you be more accepting of a robot programmed to love you, or a human with a toxic personality who makes you unhappy?

You seem to be assuming that all humans have toxic personalities.  

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Lord Jade Cross

Robotics has made alot of improvements though perhaps not enough to say they can build a fully sentient unit. They have definitely made robots that mimic human facial emotions and if you have things like algorithms that can predict with increasing accuracy how a human will react, it's not entirely far-fetched to think that one that can mimic humans in terms of love is impossible. Probably will need alot of work sure, but not impossible. Whether or not that will be received as acceptable is another matter entirely.

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Lord Jade Cross

An interesting question, especially considering there are already 2 cases (of which I'm aware of) that already have this at play to some degree.

 

The Disney company has been looking into a robotics program which would mimic employee characters in the parks so they could have basically a non tiring workforce. The research suggest they will move in human like ways, so much so that people will not be able to tell if there's a real person or a robot under the guise of characters.

 

Also, there is a bit of rage going on over an online program (I forgot the name right now) which functions as a sort of virtual diva girlfriend and supposedly, people are very receptive to how the program mimics emotions to the point were they prefer the program over humans.

 

So it seems to some quantiy that there is already traces of how this would work. 

 

Im thinking about flesh fairs from that movie about the robot boy who was designed to love. I'm guessing humans would take a similar stance.

 

Also, in Japan, the gatebox has sparked much controversy as owners claim they do indeed prefer the hologram over flesh. Some go so far as to marry fictional characters. So robotics making a human like lover doesn't seem like it will be automatically rejected

 

I guess, like how one loves a person for who they are amidst any critisism they may receive, you can also love machine in the same way. Love is a personal affair at the end of the day

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