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Today's Dear Abby


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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "James," and I have been married only three years. We are both in our 20s. Everything is really great between us -- except our sex life. As far as he is concerned that's fine, too, but I am not satisfied. It may seem odd to hear the female wants to have sex more frequently than a young and healthy male, but that's the case in our relationship.
Abby, I work with the public and I get frequent remarks about what a beautiful woman I am. This makes it hard for me to believe that I don't attract him at all. I have expressed many times that I wish we were more intimate. I have even expressed it to him in more than one letter, hoping to reach him.

I am at a total loss as to how to make him realize how important this is to me. Is there something wrong with my body? I just don't know who to turn to for advice on this subject. Please help me. -- SHORT ON INTIMACY IN OHIO

DEAR SHORT ON INTIMACY: There is nothing wrong with your body. You have married a man who appears either to have a very low sex drive or be asexual. The place to find the answers you need would be in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist. What's ailing your marriage has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband.


I wrote a response back to her, basically saying that it was really awesome that she acknowledged the fact that he might be asexual, but that I had a slight issue with the wording, which seemed to imply that there was something wrong with the husband. And gave her a link to AVEN.

Pretty cool though, hm?

2014 Mod Edit: The column can be read here.

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Woot! Yeah-- :cake: and :vis: for you. I think Abby's making progress. In the past when she's gotten letters like this, she hasn't even acknowledged that asexuality exists. So she's learning, albeit slowly.

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Yay woo! I'm glad she's finally starting to mention it. I just take issue with her last sentence, which is more about who should be taking responsibility for when things go wrong in marriages than asexuality. Nothing would be ailing that woman's marriage if she was A-okay and didn't have some serious body issues just because she's not having sex. To blame it solely on the husband is just plainly ignorant. <i>They</i> are mismatched. Not him alone.

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Well, :cake: for Abby for acknowledging it in the first place! :D I don't read her column a lot, but lately she's given some pretty good answers to stuff :D

*makes a note to go find that in today's newspaper*

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I read the column in the newspaper today and was just about to start a new thread on it! Good thing I noticed you already had. I agree with merkat82 on her last sentence. The only other issue I had with her response was that she kind of jumped to a conclusion. The wife didn't say they weren't having sex AT ALL. She just said that she desires it "more frequently" than her husband does. Heck, she might want it three times a day (seriously, I know people like that) and he might only want it three times a week. She didn't suggest that there may be other issues in the relationship that may be contributing to the couple's problem, either.

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I read that today too. I was planning on posting about it first, but I guess you beat me to it.... oh well, you saved me the trouble of doing it. :lol: Anyways, I read the advice columns every day. So today I read the comics and advice column in one newspaper. Then I went to the other newspaper to read the other comics and Abby's advice and Dr. Peter Gott's advice (one of my favorite advice columns). The first story in Abby's advice didn't look interesting, so I skipped to the next one. I was thinking "blah, another person worried about not having sex. stupid humans." and then when I read Abby's answer, I saw "or be asexual" I thought, "wow, someone actually knows about us!" So yeah, I was pretty happy that at least one person knows we exist.

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Yah know... it must be really tough when one person "needs" sex & the other person does not. First, sex is a want, not a need. You need air, food, shelter, water, shoes on your feet*... And most people want sex and think they need it. Some of us just don't need sex. She probably needs to see that he's not really ignoring her, he just doesn't have the same drives.

*P.S. ... and women need lotsa shoes!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

:vis:

yaaay! she's finally getting it!

wasn't there a post about one of her earlier letter where she had told someone who wrote in about not being attracted to anyone that "they hadn't found the right person yet" ?

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:vis:

yaaay! she's finally getting it!

wasn't there a post about one of her earlier letter where she had told someone who wrote in about not being attracted to anyone that "they hadn't found the right person yet" ?

I believe that person was 18, though. [/devil's advocate]

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  • 3 weeks later...

The responses that people sent in were published yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to post in here.

Here's the link: http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20061205

Unfortunately, no mention of asexuality was in any of the responses. But, I did find the last response to be pretty interesting:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old male and not very sexually driven. I don't believe sex is how a man shows love to his mate, and have a hard time keeping up with my fiancee's sex drive. In past relationships I ended up resenting my partner for making me feel that just being "close to each other" wasn't enough, and wondering if I was wanted only for sex.

Perhaps that woman's husband prefers to show his love for her in a less physical way. -- THE OTHER SIDE IN UTAH





2014 Mod Edit - For future reference:


HUSBAND'S LIMPING LIBIDO SENDS COUPLE TO COUNSELOR

12/05/2006
DEAR ABBY: I want "Short on Intimacy," the wife in her 20s with no sex life (10/26), to know that she is not the only wife out there who has this problem. I wish you could have heard some of the wild excuses my husband made about why he couldn't have sex. We have been in counseling for months because of this.
I think it is so hard for us women because other men are always talking about wanting sex, and our husbands may even be acting like they want it. And then, when we get home, sex is the furthest thing from their minds.

Through counseling, I have realized that "why" may never be answered. The bottom-line question is, Can I live the rest of my life this way or not? -- NO ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NO ANSWERS: Only you can answer that. You were generous to share your own experience on this personal and sensitive subject -- and so were countless others who aired their views. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the young woman who doesn't understand why her husband isn't interested in sex, I applaud your reply. However, in addition to seeing a therapist, I think that man should consult his family doctor.

My husband suffers from clinical depression as well as adult-diagnosed ADD. I struggled for years with the same questions she asked, until he started being treated for his disorders. Things are improving. -- STILL WORKING ON IT, WINCHESTER, IND.

DEAR ABBY: The first 10 years of my marriage, my husband had a low sex drive and intermittent impotency. During a blood screening it was discovered that his testosterone level was about 20 percent of where it should be for an adult male. The medication he now takes may have saved our marriage, and it definitely saved our sex life. This was something neither of us had heard of before. -- HAPPIER NOW IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter. I would put on lingerie and try to seduce my husband. Still nothing. Of course, I became horribly insecure and thought something was wrong with me. When we went for counseling, my husband finally admitted he didn't need me for sex because he had been "satisfying" himself. It stemmed from huge issues he has with intimacy.
Your advice was right on. Counseling is needed so she won't blame herself for his problem. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 12 years. We have two wonderful children. My husband was a virgin when we married, which I attributed to his shyness and uptight upbringing. I was optimistic, though, and thought in time he'd learn to appreciate sex and get into it, but he never did.

Three weeks ago, he finally confessed that he is gay and always has been, but kept it locked inside. Although I feel compassion for my husband, I also feel betrayed -- but at least I know now it wasn't my fault.

My advice to "Short on Intimacy": My heart goes out to you, but the sooner you find out the reason for his behavior, the better. Do not waste your best years waiting for something that might never happen. -- BEEN THERE IN NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old male and not very sexually driven. I don't believe sex is how a man shows love to his mate, and have a hard time keeping up with my fiancee's sex drive. In past relationships I ended up resenting my partner for making me feel that just being "close to each other" wasn't enough, and wondering if I was wanted only for sex.

Perhaps that woman's husband prefers to show his love for her in a less physical way. -- THE OTHER SIDE IN UTAH

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mouth brooder

You'd think someone like Abby would know better than to make a sweeping generalization like "everything to do with your husband." What if the gal had written "my husband wants sex way more than I do." Would Abby have said, "put out or get out?"

When there's a couple involved, no problem, even domestic violence, is all on one side of the relationship or the other. Relationship problems are relationship problems.

The counselor suggestion I agree with because it sounds like these people need help communicating.

Thanks a lot for posting this!

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First, sex is a want, not a need. You need air, food, shelter, water, shoes on your feet*... And most people want sex and think they need it.

*P.S. ... and women need lotsa shoes!!!

Have you ever listened to the warnings at the end of viagra and other sexual enhancing drugs? They always warn you to "ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sexual activity."

Funny, nobody ever asks their doctor if they are healthy enough to eat. Nobody ever warns you not to sleep until you regain your health. Nobody suggests that you might not be healthy enough to breathe.

So it seems to me that you are more likely to die from sex than from lack of sex.

Thus, the need not to have sex is probably more justified as a need than the need to have sex.

Now that is some impeccable logic.

Disclaimer: M51 does not mean that sexual desires are illegitimate. M51 does not intend to insult or offend or marginalize sexuals. M51 just thought this idea was humorous.

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I agree with you, M51.

Now ship me off to the Betty Ford Shoe Addiction Clinic...

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I agree with you, M51.

Now ship me off to the Betty Ford Shoe Addiction Clinic...

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Have you ever listened to the warnings at the end of viagra and other sexual enhancing drugs? They always warn you to "ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sexual activity."

Funny, nobody ever asks their doctor if they are healthy enough to eat. Nobody ever warns you not to sleep until you regain your health. Nobody suggests that you might not be healthy enough to breathe.

So it seems to me that you are more likely to die from sex than from lack of sex.

Thus, the need not to have sex is probably more justified as a need than the need to have sex.

Now that is some impeccable logic.

Then again, what's the point of living a long life if you're going to twitch and whimper your way through every single day of it? ;)

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