Aros - Do you feel a "disconnect" with romantics?

[New display name]

Interesting topic I'm currently thinking about. Fellow aros, do you feel as though there is this sort of social disconnect we have with those who do experience romantic attraction?

 

Do you find this disconnect a challenge in finding meaningful friendships? As aros (at least to me), I feel that we value platonic relationships in a way that romantics don't, because while they have partners to put at the top of their social food chain, the top of the chain for us is our friends. That said, it's like we're always putting in more love and care into our friendships than they do, as they will always allocate more resources to partners. Is this just me? What are your thoughts?

[deletingthisaccount]

YES. I'm so glad that someone finally brought this up. To most romantics, friends are just a come-and-go part of life. Because they have their significant other, many romantics don't see the need to put tons of effort into their friendships. I mean, they'll have their social circle of friends in a particular phase of life, but lose touch with them once that phase ends. Not even intentionally, but it just happens. Or people become really busy, so any leftover time will be spent with the significant other.

 

I feel like people are constantly passing through, and then out, of my life. Like you said, when my friends are all I have, that's really hard. I'm so glad you brought that up, because I feel like this problem is especially unique to aro-aces. It's a level of loneliness that's hard to grasp for most people.

[New display name]

1 hour ago, paytonk07 said:

YES. I'm so glad that someone finally brought this up. To most romantics, friends are just a come-and-go part of life. Because they have their significant other, many romantics don't see the need to put tons of effort into their friendships. I mean, they'll have their social circle of friends in a particular phase of life, but lose touch with them once that phase ends. Not even intentionally necessarily, but it just happens. Or people become really busy, so any leftover time will be spent with the significant other.

 

I feel like people are constantly passing through, and then out, of my life. Like you said, when my friends are all I have, that's really hard. I'm so glad you brought that up, because I feel like this problem is especially unique to aro-aces. It's a level of loneliness that's hard to grasp for most people.

I feel you. When a friend leaves my life for reasons outside of my control, I have a harder time dealing with it than I would guess most romantics do. There are friends I haven't seen since I was 10 years old that I still have a heavy heart for, especially because I find that elementary school age is when everybody can at least somewhat value friendship the same way aro people do, since kids that age don't really have a concept of sex/romance yet, and for them friends really are the most important thing, just like they are for us. The friendships I had back then were genuine because all of us were the most important people in the world to each other.

 

Now, at an adult age, most people have found that they value romantic relationships more. Me, I'm still that 10 year old, alone on the playground, pleading that someone will want to be friends with me as much as I want to be friends with them.

But they never do.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I guess this will depend on each person but for me personally, I don't really spend any inordinate amount of time with people or making friendships.

 

The few ones I've had over the years could probably be categorized as recurrent acquaintances because I will not mind their presence for a little while, but anything over 20 minutes and I start feeling suffocated, needing to get away. 

[Starbogen]

I'm not sure if I'm fully aro but yes I can really relate to this. For me a best friend would be the person I cared most about and loved the most in my life, but I'd worry if they were romantic because then they'd always have that kind of level of affection reserved for a romantic partner so it'd feel uneven.  

 

It's like.. if love was like a vertical color spectrum with red at the very top for romantic love and purple at the bottom for idk, the most casually platonic of platonic loves, then romantic people's highest form of love (when it comes to equal companionship, so like excluding stuff like love for one's children), the one they feel most intensely and will prioritize, it's all the way to red. That's their 100%. But the highest my range goes is to an orangy yellow or something, like red doesn't really register on my scale. So my highest form of love is different from theirs.. A platonic best friend could be the "love of my life" in that sense. But if they were romantic then I'd be fucked because they'd either want to make red art with me when I can't see red or they'd want to go make red art with someone else because they valued red art more than my orangy yellow art which is the best and most meaningful art I could make.. and that would suck. 

Not sure if that whole analogy actually makes any sense but that's kinda how I feel about it at least, from very painful personal experience. 

[Janus the Fox]

I’m I think pretty disconnected to the typical attraction and behaviours regularly written and observed in real life.  It is a reason my own romantic attraction is non-existent personally, even within a long term relationship of 3 years in so far.

[Winter-Cattle]

I don't relate at all, no. I've never had a meaningful connection with anyone, such as a romantic relationship or a true friendship (rather than friendly acquaintances). I've never had anyone, and I'm not sure if that's something I should be ok with or if this is unhealthy. I enjoy being around people and don't feel suffocated by their presence or similar, I've just never been able to get a deeper connection with anyone in my life.

[Yoruka]

Finally! It's awfully lonely when nobody else seems to share that connection and people misinterpret your actions all the time. I did have this one meaningful and wonderful connection, but they went because school transfers. yay. I'm generally depressed about it because I feel I'll have to share my life with a tortoise to have a long-lasting connection - not that it's bad, just that tortoises generally don't speak human languages.

1 hour ago, Winter-Cattle said:

I don't relate at all, no. I've never had a meaningful connection with anyone, such as a romantic relationship or a true friendship (rather than friendly acquaintances). I've never had anyone, and I'm not sure if that's something I should be ok with or if this is unhealthy. I enjoy being around people and don't feel suffocated by their presence or similar, I've just never been able to get a deeper connection with anyone in my life.

No, it isn't unhealthy because we're all different. just have healthy relationships.

[deletingthisaccount]

8 hours ago, Punished "Venom" Yuri said:

I feel you. When a friend leaves my life for reasons outside of my control, I have a harder time dealing with it than I would guess most romantics do. There are friends I haven't seen since I was 10 years old that I still have a heavy heart for, especially because I find that elementary school age is when everybody can at least somewhat value friendship the same way aro people do, since kids that age don't really have a concept of sex/romance yet, and for them friends really are the most important thing, just like they are for us. The friendships I had back then were genuine because all of us were the most important people in the world to each other.

 

Now, at an adult age, most people have found that they value romantic relationships more. Me, I'm still that 10 year old, alone on the playground, pleading that someone will want to be friends with me as much as I want to be friends with them.

But they never do.

THIS THIS THIS. That's exactly how I feel. Actually, the exact way I usually describe being aro/ace to others is "remember when you were a kid, and had 0 concept of what sex, romance, crushes, etc. were like. I just stayed that way, and couldn't figure out what was happening to everyone around me as we all got older."

[Phantasmal Fingers]

I reached Grand Master level in terms of losing touch with people a long time ago. 😅

 

I've always enjoyed my own company.

 

When I was younger, I think - with hindsight - that during the times when I really enjoyed being with friends I wasn't really bothered by the fact that some were always dropping out of the pool, so to speak, as long as new ones kept showing up. So I liked having friends but hardly ever formed strong attachments with more than one or two. Although there are 3 of long standing I still have who spring to mind just now who are very interesting people - and very nice people as well - and who I'm very glad I've kept in touch with over the years. 

 

But strangely enough I have recently begun to value friends as distinct individuals much more - even though I have just 'lost' a very good one of long standing. I'm slightly surprised that I'm not upset or nostalgic about this - it's a long story that won't be told here but it was definitely time to part company. 

 

I get the distinct impression - from having recently been to the funeral of another friend I was not as close to but who I spent a lot of time with in the early 90s - that romantics actually feel this stuff as more of a wrench than we aros do.

 

My other friends seemed to be much more upset at this funeral than I felt - one of them even said at the wake that he felt guilty at enjoying himself. I didn't. And the friend who's passing we were commemorating would've liked that, I think, and would not have wanted anyone to mope or feel guilty now he's gone. Even though this friend who's gone was a very kind person who I liked a lot I can't say that I was upset in the way that people in films and novels are depicted as being. And nor do I feel guilty about that. 

 

But the older I get the more I seem to value friends. 

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

I never felt connected to romantics on any level, even when I hit puberty I put up a (barbed wire wrapped brick wall) around myself in middle school and was harassed, bullied because I never was like everyone else chasing who they admired. I only once was in a long distance relationship and very thankful it never became physical, all the person wanted was to hit me, force me to do sickening things and show extremely strong love for them. Ever since I never got into another long distance relationship or a local one and never will.

I avoid people who try telling me I "need" to open up and find someone and be like everyone else.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

I think there's a difference between being aromantic and anti-romantic.

 

I find romantic love quite touching and emotionally appealing in the sense that it can come across as charming and deeply felt. But I don't want to be involved myself. I see depth in other 'things' which I don't regard as a surrogate or substitute for this. Being aromantic on its own terms isn't a lack - it only looks this way from some other viewpoint. I wouldn't say I feel disconnected. Or excluded. I'm just not a member of a certain club. 

 

But I sometimes have a sense of "methinks the lady/gentleman doth protest too much" when I hear some aros describe themselves almost exclusively in terms of what they dislike. 

[Morgenrot]

My best friend is aro/Ace as well and with her I've got the closest bond I've ever had with anybody. So I think that friendships mean more to me than to alloro folks. Their big goal is to find the love of their life -- my big goal is to have fulfilling friendships. 

[LegolasAroAce]

I really do understand the feeling of disconnect with allo-romantics, but often in terms of how much I baffle them in being aro/ace. It makes me feel like an alien. I would prefer not to focus on the things that I don't have in common with my allo friends in conversations, but so much of the world is focused on romance that it's unavoidable.

I do also feel the difference in how I treat my friendships, so that past friend relationships, that ran their course and ended, effected me as intensely as my allo friends treated break-ups. It's odd how confusing it can be for some allos to understand how we can prioritise family and friend relationships as being of equal importance to where they place their partners. I think that also creates the disconnect for me, even though I realize that it's unintentional and that there are allos will try to understand.

[DarkStormyKnight]

YESYESYESYESYES I've never quite managed to not take it personally when my alloromantic friends ditch me for their partner, it just makes no sense. And their worldview seems totally different in that they NEED a partner and aros mostly don't. It's why aro communities are so important, we just get it. 

[HonoraryJedi]

On 2/24/2020 at 7:29 AM, Punished "Venom" Yuri said:

I feel that we value platonic relationships in a way that romantics don't, because while they have partners to put at the top of their social food chain, the top of the chain for us is our friends.

Man, this fear. I know it well, and sometimes, it resurfaces. The worry that what I can offer won't measure up when my friends find partners. My current group of friends has not had this problem though. Only one person has a partner, but this being an online friendship, I have never encountered her and only hear about her occasionally. It hasn't really changed anything else. And for two others, I am kind of hoping they'll find someone, because they seem to want partners but haven't found anyone. And then I can only hope I will still matter to them. I think I will.

 

I don't feel a disconnect outside of the occasional resurgence of that fear though. While I am not really interested in a romantic relationship myself, I can totally understand the concept, and understand why someone else would. I can understand their point of view. And all my friends appear to value me, even though none are (afaik) aro. So there is no disconnect in understanding and connection. Perhaps when my friends do start partnering up seriously that will change, but so far I am hopeful. I have seen examples of lasting friendships around me, after all, even when partners are involved.

[Guest]

No, I don't really need shared experience to form a meaningful connection with someone. And my closest friends all value friendships very highly. Just because they value our relationship in a different way to how they value romantic relationships doesn't make it any less meaningful. 

[Homer]

First things first: I'm not aro. Went through the whole ordeal of falling in love and ending up in a relationship once, nearly 20 years ago. Was lucky enough to not have to go through any of that again ever since. I hope it stays like this for the rest of my life.

 

With that out of the way... there's one thing I can't fathom about romance. People enjoying feeling like that, okay, to each their own. However... how come that so many people keep failing happily? They fall in love, enter a relationship, the relationship fails, huge drama ensues, breakup. Then they fall in love again and it's like none of the previous things ever happened. Same lovey dovey stuff, same infatuation... why is it that so many people don't stop and think hey, this didn't work the last XY of times, I should probably just not?

 

Most prominent example in my personal life is my ex best friend. Broke up with her long time SO, was down for a while, found a new guy after a few months, married him shortly after. He left and she basically was like oh well, those who want to marry quickly also want to leave quickly... we don't really speak anymore, but I'd be unsurprised if she already had a new thing going.

 

So yeah... the missing learning curve is what astounds me.

[Firefly8]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:29 AM, Punished "Venom" Yuri said:

I feel that we value platonic relationships in a way that romantics don't, because while they have partners to put at the top of their social food chain, the top of the chain for us is our friends.

YES!!! I was actually about to make a post saying pretty much this. I've been dwelling on this to an unhealthy degree lately so pardon me while I vent this out.... This is the thing that makes me cry to be aro. I feel less valued and less loved than everyone else, because I am. It's a queer form of unrequited love- to experience a greater platonic love than will ever be received in return. Unlike most unrequited love, this doesn't resolve or fade. Partners are put above (for lack of a better word)  friends and family. This is understandable and I get it, it's just hard not to feel like a "lesser-than." Although I understand, feeling less loved than everyone else is painful and does a number on the self-esteem. Sometimes I selfishly wish everyone were aromantic, so I could feel equally loved/valued/protected. 

[AceMissBehaving]

On 2/24/2020 at 12:29 AM, Punished "Venom" Yuri said:

Interesting topic I'm currently thinking about. Fellow aros, do you feel as though there is this sort of social disconnect we have with those who do experience romantic attraction?

 

Do you find this disconnect a challenge in finding meaningful friendships? As aros (at least to me), I feel that we value platonic relationships in a way that romantics don't, because while they have partners to put at the top of their social food chain, the top of the chain for us is our friends. That said, it's like we're always putting in more love and care into our friendships than they do, as they will always allocate more resources to partners. Is this just me? What are your thoughts?

I believe I am romantic, (though maybe not to the level I read other people talk about on here) but would say I put a higher value on my platonic relationships than is often reciprocated, which can lead to a lot of heartbreak on my end. The most devastating relationship losses I’ve ever felt have been from friendships.

[long nights]

Hmm, yes, I can relate. It is this feeling that we are literally two difference species because the way some people interpret friendships is really strange to me. However, for people who do feel romantic attraction, the possibility of what a romantic relationship would offer vs that of someone you can have fun with and occasionally talk about deep stuff is more appealing. The amount of dopamine that person can get from a romantic relationship will be higher and of course people will choose what makes them feel better. Then there are those who do have a balance between the two. Not to mention that explaining how I see friendships leads to misinterpretations such as "but then you like this person more than a friend". It is our brains. What you don't know and what you can't understand, you won't feel.

[Orianaro]

I'm mostly aromantic but do want a long term relationship so I understand the idea of wanting to allocate resources to your S/O. But I understand what you mean. Curious thing - I've heard that you have essentially space for five close friends, and a S/O takes I think two (maybe three) of those spots.

 

I don't feel differences between me and most people with the idea of wanting to devote themselves to someone - I understand that feeling of wanting to be loved and fully supported and vice versa with one person/partner. I find the differences elsewhere - mostly in the single-mindedness, senseless devotion, and stupid decisions that I witness with romance. Discussing one of my friends' crushes is always strange, because I can only see it with logic and tell them "wow this is dumb. You realize this would literally never pan out and is not worth your time or effort? You are worth a lot more than this." Also the concept of just many shades of love doesn't seem to exist. Like, love isn't exclusive to family and S/O. Love friends - and not in that way we say we do, but truly love them and feel connected to them. I had a friend say once "my future boyfriend would probably not like how single mindedly I study" and I was like dude. You have people around you who love and appreciate you and want your time. No wonder all these single people feel so lonely - that one person shouldn't be everything.

[LeChat]

Sure; I do feel a bit different and disconnected from romantics, even on this forum, particularly when it comes to all of the discussions about romantic feelings, relationships, etc.

[mexicanpotato]

I'm aromantic but definitely would love to have a QPR one day and I FEEL YOU.

It's just that. I feel like I care too much about friendships. They're the only relationships I have other than my family and they're the most valuable to me. I love my friends more than anything and have done so ever since I was in elementary school and it hurts so much when suddenly you lose touch and don't see each other anymore.

It's what I would define as heartbreak.

And thinking that my current friends ans I will stop seeing each other every day soon is awful. I think they're the closest group of friends I have ever had and just thinking about it makes me anxious.

The worst part is that I know I mean a lot to them, but as soon as they get in a romantic relationship that person will mean everything to them and their friends will become a second thought. The thing is that won't happen to me. For me friendships are everything I have.