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Hi Everyone! 

 

I'm on here for a bit of advice.

About 6 months ago I met a guy at my college. On our second meeting, he 'confessed' that he was asexual and wondered whether it would bother me before we got to know each other better. Although I am sexually active, I never feel particularly close to these partners and saw no reason to dismiss him on this basis. For the next couple of months we would sleep in each others beds a few times a week and would engage in romantic activities like holding hands. I surprised myself with how unconcerned I was by the lack of sex. However, I did notice that our bed-sharing often coincided with him being (slightly) intoxicated. When we kissed for the first time, although it had been initiated by him, he became much more distant.  I told him that although I had been sexually active in the months that we had been bed-sharing, these interactions paled in comparison to how much I liked him, and that I would be very keen to continue, but required his transparency in relation to what was acceptable behaviour from me and what wasn't. He initially responded positively, but subsequently told me that although he liked me, he could not see himself being in a relationship with me and that we should just be friends. I was privately upset at the time, but understood that I have to take someone at their word.

However, although we have not resumed bed-sharing or things like holding hands, we still talk very frequently (often, admittedly, initiated by me) and spend time in each others rooms on a fairly regular basis. In recent weeks this has reverted to cuddling and one more instance of kissing. I am afraid of smothering him with unwanted attention, or losing him by expressing my interest again (there is every chance that it is me, and not his asexuality that is preventing us from being together) however I feel as though I do want to broach the subject again simply as I am becoming increasingly anxious that I am making him uncomfortable with the frequency of my contact, even though he has not expressed this. 

So basically, a little advice and insight would be appreciated! Perhaps it would be better to not have this conversation at all? 

 xx  

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9 minutes ago, dmvfhr99 said:

although he liked me, he could not see himself being in a relationship with me and that we should just be friends

To be blunt, he's told you what he wants. He's asexual, and the pattern with asexuals seems to be that they're as sexual as they'll ever be in the early stages - it'll only ever lessen, probably. If you're okay with this, and maybe, maybe, if you never try to escalate things he'll get comfortable enough with you to be okay with some kissing and cuddling, it could work out.

 

But what are your needs, long term? Sex? Because chances are you'll never have sex with him by the sound of it. Some physical affection? That might work out. It's common for both sexuals and asexuals to feel they can deny their own orientations forever, in the early stage, but less common for it to actually work out that way. 

 

The decision is whether you want to gamble on being okay with no sex ever happening, versus the greater pain of splitting up later on when you realise you can't deal with a sexless life. 

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1 hour ago, Expedition said:

To be blunt, he's told you what he wants. He's asexual, and the pattern with asexuals seems to be that they're as sexual as they'll ever be in the early stages - it'll only ever lessen, probably. If you're okay with this, and maybe, maybe, if you never try to escalate things he'll get comfortable enough with you to be okay with some kissing and cuddling, it could work out.

 

But what are your needs, long term? Sex? Because chances are you'll never have sex with him by the sound of it. Some physical affection? That might work out. It's common for both sexuals and asexuals to feel they can deny their own orientations forever, in the early stage, but less common for it to actually work out that way. 

 

The decision is whether you want to gamble on being okay with no sex ever happening, versus the greater pain of splitting up later on when you realise you can't deal with a sexless life. 

Thank you for your bluntness, honestly it's what I need! 

Completely unrelated to giving up sex (which I believe I could do), I could easily see myself getting into a position where I think I can promise to put my own feelings (and quite frankly, my ego) away in the interests of being with him, and then ending up upsetting myself that even then, in a relationship without sex, that I am too smothering for wanting physical affection (not sex). I would never want to escalate things, but don't think I know enough about him to know what this entails. I have to take the fact that when I broached this question of boundaries our relationship de-escalated at face value. 

 

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I'm not sure going into a relationship which requires you to deny yourself to that extent is a good idea. 

 

Wanting physical affection isn't a flaw to be stifled, it's just being human for most people. 

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6 minutes ago, CBC said:

If you can see that happening, I can almost guarantee that it will. Make your choices carefully.

I will do, even the act of writing it down makes me see its dangerous potential for both of us. Thank you :))

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7 minutes ago, Expedition said:

I'm not sure going into a relationship which requires you to deny yourself to that extent is a good idea. 

 

Wanting physical affection isn't a flaw to be stifled, it's just being human for most people. 

Thank you, I think I know that I need to scale the amount we interact with each other back. It feels like something of a failure, because I know that there's nothing wrong with asexuality and wish that I could be the kind of person who wouldn't be hurt by a certain level of unpredictability. 

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6 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah, best to face it now whilst it's in the realm of potential and not several years of heartbreaking reality.

Do you think I should vocalise it or is that superfluous (with the potential of being hurtful)? 

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