MakeshiftHeart Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 3 years ago I met my current s/o online. He lived in AZ and I’m in IL. before he moved here I made him aware I am asexual and that I pretty much cannot stand children. I was very clear about this. I told him I have never had sex and that I never will. He told me sex is not important to him so it’s ok if we never do it. Three years go by.. he drops a bomb on me that he has “needs” that have to be fulfilled.. and that if they’re not we won’t “work.” My heart is hurting.. I have no libido.. no on switch.. no sexual attraction.. I don’t know what to do.. Link to post Share on other sites
Denim Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Hey. And welcome 🍰 Man, you are in a stinky situation. Have you considered counseling maybe? Or sitting down and having a serious talk on your own? The "needs" are sex, I suppose. There are people that manage to work things out by having an open relationship or similar stuff; I'm not suggesting anything, just saying. Now, if the "needs" reffer to having children, I'm sorry, but I kind of get him; I myself want them and when someone I meet says they don't, for me it's a clear no sign. It is shitty of him to be aware of where you stand and how you are and only now expressing his true wants and needs. I mean, did he think you will change in the 3 years period? That he will change you? I'd try initiating a serious convo with him if I were in your place. As I said, even try to see a professional if you can't do it on your own. Also, don't let him pressure you into stuff you don't want. Or pressure yourself for sake of his needs being fulfilled, no matter how much you might love him - you must love and respect who you are first. I'd try with talk; ask him why now, has it been something he felt the entire time but didn't want to say, or he legit changed his mind, because people do change over time. Anyways, stay stong and I wish it all end up well in the end; one way or another. 🤗 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Well, this is an unfortunate issue people face. Sometimes their needs are not clear until unfulfilled. It's easy to say no sex is no big deal until you're sleeping in the same house as the person you desire most and cant have... then it starts to show if it is no big deal or a very big deal. Now you just decide which option works for you guys. 1) break up 2) compromise (that means neither of you is upset doing something though.. otherwise it's a sacrifice) 3) open up the relationship (only works if you're both into it as a philosophy not just a bandaid). Link to post Share on other sites
Koning Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 He probably either thought he wouldn't mind sexual restraint or that sex would come at a later age. He may not have expected that his "lust" would only grow by age or that never actually meant never. Him constantly being in your presence probably doesn't help either. As far as I'm concerned, you have two options; end the relationship or make a compromise. If you can have "intimate interactions" with him and it doesn't hurt you on the inside (or outside of course), it is a possibility. You can both decide what this involves and it doesn't even need to involve (casual) sex. If you e.g. both wouldn't mind doing it once a month, it's a compromise. He probably wasn't thinking much about having children several years ago. You clearly don't want to have any children, which makes it difficult to make a compromise. He could promise to take the caring/nurturing role, but he might not actually (be able) do it in reality. You'd be "stuck" as a mother for the remaining part of your life, which takes time and responsibility. If you truly don't want your life to be like this and he truly wants it, you need to end the relationship. Take time to talk with him and potentially talk about it with other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Do not have a child you don't want, it's an enormous, lifelong responsibility and the child will notice they're unwanted, which will just fuck them up mentally. Compromising on sex is one thing, but it should never be done with a child. I'm afraid if he wants one and you don't the only option would be to part ways and find someone compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Why do people change 😞 If someone can change even after three years of togetherness that makes me scared of going into any relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 I agree with @Anthracite_Impreza. The kid thing is a dealbreaker. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Don't give in. Don't feel forced to do things you ever wanted to. I greatly support the idea of never having sex if one simply doesn't desire it, so don't let him pressure you to change your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 26 minutes ago, 00000 said: Why do people change 😞 If someone can change even after three years of togetherness that makes me scared of going into any relationship Because people change all through life. We all do. The hope is we are compatible enough to change together in ways that arent deal breakers. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 That’s a difficult situation. When I first met my now husband I was clear that I never wanted children, never will, and that being with me meant that they would not be in our future. I actually thought we were in the process of breaking up over it at one point. He said he was ok with that, but deep down thought I’d change with time. I didn’t, and it’s probably been a bigger cause of hurt than the asexual thing. I do think a fair few people think they will be ok without sex, and only learn later when it becomes too late for a clean break that they won’t be. “Compromise” is possible for some, but doing something like that you are uncomfortable with can take a toll on a person Link to post Share on other sites
Denim Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 1 hour ago, 00000 said: Why do people change 😞 If someone can change even after three years of togetherness that makes me scared of going into any relationship 50 minutes ago, CBC said: You really think it would be a good thing if people couldn't change? Well, if one changes for the better or, as @Serran said, people change together compatibly, it's great and allows progress. Now, the type of change is the important factor for sure; if one person profits from the change, and other gets hurt by it (as is the case here, OP's bf either changed minds and spoke up his wants or really figured out he can't do the abstinence/celibacy), ofc it is really hard and takes a lot of effort to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 4 minutes ago, Denim said: Well, if one changes for the better or, as @Serran said, people change together compatibly, it's great and allows progress. Now, the type of change is the important factor for sure; if one person profits from the change, and other gets hurt by it (as is the case here, OP's bf either changed minds and spoke up his wants or really figured out he can't do the abstinence/celibacy), ofc it is really hard and takes a lot of effort to sort things out. So true Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Do not have a child you don't want, it's an enormous, lifelong responsibility and the child will notice they're unwanted, which will just fuck them up mentally. Compromising on sex is one thing, but it should never be done with a child. I'm afraid if he wants one and you don't the only option would be to part ways and find someone compatible. I have to fully agree with this. I've lived this and can tell you, even as an adult, there is no way to sugarcoat hearing a parent telling you, even indirectly "I didn't want to have you" Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Quote Why do people change 😞 If someone can change even after three years of togetherness that makes me scared of going into any relationship Change is inevitable. Even you'll change in three years. It may not be to a radical enough point that you become a Totally Different Person and develop incompatibilities in a relationship, but change still does happen. If you can look back at your past self from 3, 5, 10, whatever years back and think that you haven't changed at all since then, that's more of a worrying sign that you haven't grown and matured as a person, than it is something to be lauded. That all being said, I don't believe for a moment that the guy in the OP's situation changed (in this regard). I believe he always wanted these things, and was hoping the OP would change. He's just only making it vocal now. Obviously, very specific changes of this sort of magnitude should not be expected of others; if you want kids, you definitely shouldn't get together with someone who clearly and explicitly doesn't want kids in the hopes they'll somehow change their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Philip027 said: Change is inevitable. Even you'll change in three years. It may not be to a radical enough point that you become a Totally Different Person and develop incompatibilities in a relationship, but change still does happen. If you can look back at your past self from 3, 5, 10, whatever years back and think that you haven't changed at all since then, that's more of a worrying sign that you haven't grown and matured as a person, than it is something to be lauded. That all being said, I don't believe for a moment that the guy in the OP's situation changed (in this regard). I believe he always wanted these things, and was hoping the OP would change. He's just only making it vocal now. Obviously, very specific changes of this sort of magnitude should not be expected of others; if you want kids, you definitely shouldn't get together with someone who clearly and explicitly doesn't want kids in the hopes they'll somehow change their mind. Eh. I've known young people who were sure they didn't want kids and then as they age, get experience and are around others kids they realize hey... I want this. It's common, actually. So, that's one reason people advise younger adults to not make life long commitments until they are older... such large changes are too common. No idea what age the OP or partner are but... yeah such big changes happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 The difference is that if such a change would happen to me despite my agreement to be with someone who for sure never wanted kids, I would accept that that was my own fuck up, not try to "drop bombs" and pressure the other person over it. (I still don't believe that this was a change, though. I think it's very common for people to want to be okay with these sorts of severe incompatibilities to the point they ignore them at first, until reaching the breaking point as it has here.) I mean, I'm more or less a straight (but asexual) person that has nevertheless agreed to be in a relationship with someone who turned out to be trans male. Even if I only turned out to have some problem with that 3 years or whenever down the line, I still need to accept some fucking accountability for making the choice that I have now. IMO if you can't do something like this, you shouldn't be dedicating yourself to any kind of long-term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 14 minutes ago, Philip027 said: The difference is that if such a change would happen to me despite my agreement to be with someone who for sure never wanted kids, I would accept that that was my own fuck up, not try to "drop bombs" and pressure the other person over it. (I still don't believe that this was a change, though. I think it's very common for people to want to be okay with these sorts of severe incompatibilities to the point they ignore them at first, until reaching the breaking point as it has here.) I mean, I'm more or less a straight (but asexual) person that has nevertheless agreed to be in a relationship with someone who turned out to be trans male. Even if I only turned out to have some problem with that 3 years or whenever down the line, I still need to accept some fucking accountability for making the choice that I have now. IMO if you can't do something like this, you shouldn't be dedicating yourself to any kind of long-term relationship. Saying one needs something or the relationship will end isnt pressuring. There isnt really any evidence the OP has been pressured. Surely, you would tell your partner that you cant be with a man if the eventual changes become too much ? Or do you think doing so would be pressuring? Taking the trans example... many partners try for years but as transition goes on the physical changes make attraction fade. They then are honest that they cant take the changes and the relationship.will end due to them. The trans partner sometimes abandons transition due to that, but merely stating their feelings isnt pressuring their partner. It is being honest about a deal breaker changing. Then the trans partner reacts to hearing the deal breaker. Usually, from what I've seen, the relationship ends anyway since abandoning transition is extreme... but sometimes they try to compromise on it to keep it going and so dont fully transition. No one ever has a right to pressure anyone for anything. But, communication on changes is a vital part of a relationship. Pressure would be if the person said "well, I cant meet those needs" and the other continued to ask / pester for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Relationships are all about compromise. Early on promises are to be taken with a grain of salt. I told my significant other I would never ever remarry. I had a very traumatic first marriage and vowed never to repeat that mistake. What I realized in time, was that the marriage wasn't the issue. Who I married, was. Proposed to her to her utter shock as a result. Compromising is part of being a team. Part of growing closer together. However, having to sacrifice part of who you are is far too high a price to pay. Its unfair to both. Kids aren't something you sacrifice on, if you don't want any. Kids don't ask to be born and are a lifelong sacrifice to have. This isn't a rescue pet you can just ditch and forget about it. I mean, you technically can, but really sucks as a person. Beyond unfair to the child if you really don't want them. Kids really need to be thought about. Intimacy, will boil to how much you're willing to meet him at the middle and how much he will be willing to do without (the reality if you want to continue). That, or an open relationship as mentioned before. This works of you're both highly secure. Otherwise, just don't. Ever. Your other option is ending the relationship if you really feel this is you reaching an impasse with zero wiggle room. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Quote Saying one needs something or the relationship will end isnt pressuring. There isnt really any evidence the OP has been pressured. Surely, you would tell your partner that you cant be with a man if the eventual changes become too much ? Or do you think doing so would be pressuring? What exactly would be gained out of telling them that? It isn't going to change who they are. Even if pressuring isn't the intent, that's about all it accomplishes. Saying something like that but then taking no actual action is essentially saying to the other person "well, what are you going to do about it?" and that's still a form of pressuring. Quote Pressure would be if the person said "well, I cant meet those needs" and the other continued to ask / pester for it. The OP already said they can't meet those needs 3 years ago, and was "very clear" about it. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I think this was his way of giving you a chance to be flexible rather than just saying "this won't work, I'm outta here." If so, he was probably expecting you to end things. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 16 hours ago, Philip027 said: I don't believe for a moment that the guy in the OP's situation changed (in this regard). I believe he always wanted these things, and was hoping the OP would change. He's just only making it vocal now. Obviously, very specific changes of this sort of magnitude should not be expected of others; if you want kids, you definitely shouldn't get together with someone who clearly and explicitly doesn't want kids in the hopes they'll somehow change their mind. ^^ This. After you were very explicit 3 years ago, I think his pronouncement is a bit late. But aside from that, it doesn't sound like any real compromise would be possible. You cannot be expected to have sex when you definitely don't want it, nor should you be expected to have a child when you don't want children. Let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 So I tried to talk to him. I said I am okay with an open relationship and he flat out shut that down. He told me it’s with me or not at all. That ended the relationship. I told him I am not comfortable with kids and explained it would be unfair to have a kid who would see that “mommy doesn’t want them”. I told him that trying to force arousal on me would be uncomfortable if not painful. honestly all of this made me wonder.. if I for medical reasons could not do either, would he just drop after 3 years still? I feel like I wasted 3 years on someone who has been lying to me the entire time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zagadka Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I'm sorry to hear that the relationship had to end, but having an agreement on where you're going in the future is huge, especially kids. Sometimes what people want just isn't compatible, and that is a big part of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I’m sorry this happened to you, hut I think you made the right decision. As other posters have said, sex is kind if an individual thing where people may or may not be able to find a workable compromise... but kids just aren’t. If one person wants them to the point it’s a deal-breaker and the other person doesn’t want them, there’s no way around that and no middle ground. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 It wouldn’t hurt as bad if it didn’t basically go down like this.. got together knowing i dont want kids kids and I am asexual. proposed to me and got engaged knowing I don’t want kids and I am asexual. left me because I don’t want kids and I am asexual. i dedicated my all to this relationship for THREE YEARS. And for THREE YEARS he lied to me saying he was ok with this. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Yeah, it definitely sucks that you were honest and upfront and he either thought you would come around or thought he could go without both things and couldn’t. I suppose another possibility is that he wanted out of the relationship but didn’t want to be the bad guy... so he offered up known deal-breakers in an effort to encourage you to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Quote I think this was his way of giving you a chance to be flexible rather than just saying "this won't work, I'm outta here." If so, he was probably expecting you to end things. Quote I suppose another possibility is that he wanted out of the relationship but didn’t want to be the bad guy... so he offered up known deal-breakers in an effort to encourage you to end it. Which I think is pretty cowardly of him, to be honest. Like the OP said, they already made their position clear. If you're the dissatisfied party you should be the one with the responsibility to end things, not just hoist it on the other person and make it their problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I think it's most likely be thought he'd be okay with no sex but realised he isn't, just like many asexuals think they can be okay with having sex indefinitely and later realise they can't. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Just now, Philip027 said: If you're the dissatisfied party you should be the one with the responsibility to end things, not just hoist it on the other person and make it their problem. Totally agreed. I have been arguing with a friend about this recently... she’s the one who initially wanted to get divorced, but she also is under social/family pressure not to “break up the family” and to “think of the children,” so she is keeps laying down ultimatums (ultimata?) in hopes her husband will dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Just now, Expedition said: I think it's most likely be thought he'd be okay with no sex but realised he isn't, just like many asexuals think they can be okay with having sex indefinitely and later realise they can't. That’s reasonable... but the kids piece is... less so. Link to post Share on other sites
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