Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I dunno, plenty of people change their minds about kids too. Many, many women especially. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I have to agree with Philip, though... if you enter into a relationship with major dealbreaker-type commitments and then change your mind, laying down the (opposite) law later on is cowardly. Saying “hey, I’m not as sure about this as I thought I was... can we talk about it more?” is okay. So is saying “it turns out I can’t do this after all.” People do change, and do come to understand themselves better. My issue is with the turning-it-around part. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, Expedition said: I dunno, plenty of people change their minds about kids too. Many, many women especially. I am 32 almost 33 years old. I have been around kids and I absolutely hate them. I have been called names, and told that “there is something wrong with me” because I hate kids. I have zero patience when it comes to kids so for me to be alone around them I feel would be my breaking point. So I chose years ago to never have any. Even more so, to have kids means to have sex. That one has and always will be an indefinite no. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, ryn2 said: I have to agree with Philip, though... if you enter into a relationship with major dealbreaker-type commitments and then change your mind, laying down the (opposite) law later on is cowardly. Saying “hey, I’m not as sure about this as I thought I was... can we talk about it more?” is okay. So is saying “it turns out I can’t do this after all.” People do change, and do come to understand themselves better. My issue is with the turning-it-around part. His exact words were “I have needs” and “you expect me to be unhappy with this void that would never be filled?” Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 minute ago, MakeshiftHeart said: His exact words were “I have needs” and “you expect me to be unhappy with this void that would never be filled?” Well yes, both reasonable points. And you have needs too, and they seem to no longer be compatible. I wasn't implying you should change your mind about kids, just that plenty of people do, about all sorts of things, and it's not unreasonable especially about two such important things. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 21 minutes ago, Expedition said: Well yes, both reasonable points. And you have needs too, and they seem to no longer be compatible. I wasn't implying you should change your mind about kids, just that plenty of people do, about all sorts of things, and it's not unreasonable especially about two such important things. I get that they’re reasonable. My thing is he knew about this going in. He knew he felt this way so why did he even go in? He first claimed he only “just now” figured out he can’t live without it. But during out argument he slipped and said “I know I shouldn’t have gone into the relationship knowing I wanted kids.” Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 So that's two different things - the sex realisation, but yeah the kids thing is different, and maybe this is just hindsight, as in 'I knew I never should've bought that car'. Either way it's hard, and it's understandable to be angry. But not necessarily something to hang on to. Link to post Share on other sites
Catserole Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 On 2/22/2020 at 3:46 PM, Philip027 said: That all being said, I don't believe for a moment that the guy in the OP's situation changed (in this regard). I believe he always wanted these things, and was hoping the OP would change. He's just only making it vocal now. I can sometimes be quite cynical but this was my first thought as well. 57 minutes ago, Expedition said: I think it's most likely be thought he'd be okay with no sex but realised he isn't, just like many asexuals think they can be okay with having sex indefinitely and later realise they can't. It took him three years to come to this realisation, apparently. And if for the sake of the argument he did come to feel that his life would be unsatisfied, then it may indeed be that there isn't a future to the relationship, but it isn't ok to simply throw it back at the OP and make it their responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, Catserole said: t took him three years to come to this realisation, apparently Yep. Because he was trying not to accept it, and seeing if his desire for a sexual relationship would fade, then accepting it wouldn't, and then building up desperation to the point where he couldn't bear it any longer and had to say something. If it was an asexual giving up on sex after three years, would you be so cynical? 4 minutes ago, Catserole said: isn't ok to simply throw it back at the OP and make it their responsibility I agree, which is why that isn't what I said. Link to post Share on other sites
Catserole Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Expedition said: Yep. Because he was trying not to accept it, and seeing if his desire for a sexual relationship would fade, and then building up desperation to the point where he couldn't bear or any longer. Seriously? 🙄 Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Catserole said: Seriously? 🙄 Yes. Been there. And would you be as cynical about an asexual taking three years to come to the conclusion they couldn't take having sex any more? Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Expedition said: If it was an asexual giving up on sex after three years, would you be so cynical? People are pretty harsh on aces who say they are fine with sex when they aren’t, in hopes their partners won’t want much sex after all... ...but ultimately it comes down to “was it a good-faith effort/commitment or did he lie in expectation OP would come around?” Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 minute ago, ryn2 said: People are pretty harsh on aces who say they are fine with sex when they aren’t, in hopes their partners won’t want much sex after all... Are they? Aces tend to get understanding on here, for obvious reasons, that I've seen. I agree, it's about good faith. I'm assuming it, others are assuming bad faith. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Expedition said: Are they? Aces tend to get understanding on here, for obvious reasons, that I've seen. I agree, it's about good faith. I'm assuming it, others are assuming bad faith. As someone who has lived with him for 3 years and seen his ways, I do think he lied the entire time. There have been multiple times I began to wonder if he was trying to pressure me to have kids. There have been incidents where I got annoyed by the energy and noise kids were making, and he would say “They’re just being kids!” He’s gotten mad at me saying I hate them just for “existing” when that my be true but I NEVER react towards kids I just remove myself from the area they’re in. There has been MANY “if I had a kid” stories. Theres also been other problems he would not communicate with me on until he was MAD about it. So yes I think this is something he held onto and just now let out. Link to post Share on other sites
Expedition Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Well we weren't there, so maybe. I don't think disagreeing with you about noisy kids really counts as pressuring you though, if that's all that was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, Expedition said: I agree, it's about good faith. I'm assuming it, others are assuming bad faith. I’m assuming the OP is the best judge of which it was, having lived it. Either way, though, kids just aren’t “compromise-able”... and there’s a big difference between someone who isn’t sure they want kids and someone who is adamant they don’t/never will. Do people in the latter category occasionally change their minds? Sure. But it’s not a gamble someone who thinks they may want kids should take and then complain about. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 It's stupid for someone who wants kids to date & hope someone's mind will change. Don't go into that shit without both people wanting to do it. A reluctant agreement to parenting is a recipe for misery. My dad compared it to committing to being the only person rowing a boat, once. For a couple decades. Of course you should stick your ground here; he's a fool to have been trying to change your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
WindofMelody Posted February 24, 2020 Share Posted February 24, 2020 Sorry to for what has happened to you. I hate to assume people have bad intentions, but is there a chance that when three years ago you told him about being an ace, he kind of had the hope that time could change you or didn't take it seriously? I only think about this because I heard about some straight couples agree to have no kids before getting married, but years later the husband will still bring it up and say things like "well, I thought you were just kidding" or "it's natural that everyone will want kids when they get older". That is totally unfair. But if that's not the case (hopefully), I think it's just like some people are always "updating" their minds but others tend to stay consistent with themselves. It's about different personalities and no right or wrong. The conflict doesn't have to be with sex or having kids - city to live, jobs, weddings, anything could happen because of the differences. So don't let this affect your thoughts about your own sexualities. It would be better if you could know what type of person he belong to at first, but that's not always easy so don't have the pressure if you couldn't. Hope you don't let this upset yourself too much and get over this soon! Link to post Share on other sites
MakeshiftHeart Posted April 29, 2020 Author Share Posted April 29, 2020 So we have completely broken up even after trying open relationships. Mostly it feels like that just because I don’t want sex or kids, I am no longer important. Before I continue I want to make note that I am receiving help from a professional and therapy. i came to realize that I am no longer important or even a priority when I openly admitted that I was afraid to be alone due to dark thoughts, including suicide. Instead of immediately taking note of this and being with me, he chose to play a video game. i truly at this point feel like I won’t find anyone compatible with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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