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My asexual story - by an 82 yr old. Do I leave it on the shelf?


Davina

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I am 82 years old and have just completed writing about my asexual journey. Thanks to AVEN I found the answer to my sexual dilemma at the ripe old age of 79!

My small book (approx. 60,000 words), covers many aspects, including the difficult process of sexual exploration over many years and ‘coming out’. (Other issues raised include social/cultural/religious influences, notions about separation of love and sex etc.)

It is written in a question and answer style similar to therapy session. In fact the whole writing experience was personally therapeutic and certainly served to make me feel more than contented about my orientation.

I was wondering whether other asexual people would be interested in reading such an autobiography if I published it on the internet, or if any academic researchers would find my particular kind of story useful.

I am quite happy to leave it on my bottom shelf, but I did write it with the faint hope that my experience could be of value to others.

Opinions and comments would be welcome.

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Why not publish it? If it is well-written it should appeal to all sorts of folks, even sexuals. You've nothing to lose, IMO. 🙂

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1 hour ago, Davina said:

I am 82 years old and have just completed writing about my asexual journey. Thanks to AVEN I found the answer to my sexual dilemma at the ripe old age of 79!

My small book (approx. 60,000 words), covers many aspects, including the difficult process of sexual exploration over many years and ‘coming out’. (Other issues raised include social/cultural/religious influences, notions about separation of love and sex etc.)

It is written in a question and answer style similar to therapy session. In fact the whole writing experience was personally therapeutic and certainly served to make me feel more than contented about my orientation.

I was wondering whether other asexual people would be interested in reading such an autobiography if I published it on the internet, or if any academic researchers would find my particular kind of story useful.

I am quite happy to leave it on my bottom shelf, but I did write it with the faint hope that my experience could be of value to others.

Opinions and comments would be welcome.

Please publish it. The more literature about asexuality out there the better. And your experience is invaluable. It is a representation of someone who did not realize they were ACE for such a long time. I am particularly interested how forcing yourself to like sex influenced your mental health. For me personally (discovered myself at 30 something), I have a very bad experience trying to fit in and forcing myself enjoy sex like other people. It was so bad to a point of trauma. I am looking for someone to support this. For someone who identified early on in life and stayed a virgin, being Ace might be less traumatic. But the social and psychological impacts of Ace especially sex averse, trying to be sexual is not studied much. The therapeutic nature of your writing might help someone else. 

I look forward to reading it. 

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Hello @Davina!

 

I believe it's important people get to know about You and Your life's story. So, please publish!

 

 

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@Davina please publish for

 

- self-identifying aces  

- allos with ace partners 

- aces who don't know yet

- general public no matter their orientation in ace visibility, representation & education

- AVEN community (potentially an excerpt to be published in AVENues digital mag with a link to entire piece ?)

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AceMissBehaving

Because the acceptance of asexuality is such a recent thing, there are so few examples of older, self identified aces to look to that it’s easy for people to write it off as a “teen thing”, plus there’s almost nothing out there about what it was like for asexual people pre-2000’s 

 

I would love to read your book, and I think it could be immensely valuable to the community.

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10 hours ago, Eutierria said:

@Davina please publish for

 

- self-identifying aces  

- allos with ace partners 

- aces who don't know yet

- general public no matter their orientation in ace visibility, representation & education

- AVEN community (potentially an excerpt to be published in AVENues digital mag with a link to entire piece ?)

AVENues is a good place to publish. Would be even better if published as a book for larger audience. I know someone published a biography like this. Cannot remember the title off the top of my head

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Oh, please don't backshelve your book!! Do publish, even if it's a self-published Amazon thing.

 

I'm of the mind that ANY stories from our elders are worth knowing. How short the human lifespan is in the arc of all history, and how quickly new generations forget what our forbears struggled for!

 

As for Ace stories in particular, I think those are even more important. Personally I am *desperate* to hear more voices of older asexuals. On YouTube, I see groups of youngsters talking and giggling together while they openly share their (from what I've seen) not-so-traumatic stories about Ace/Aro. They all seem so happy and surrounded by friends. Watching that brings out ugly feelings in me of jealousy and a loneliness so powerful it physically stings.

 

Many Aces my age (50) and older mostly married off because that's what we were expected to do. I could never fulfill such expectations because all my life I've been too repulsed by kissing, let alone coitus, and therefore refused to date. Now I'm just a spinster aunt whom no one takes seriously at all.

 

I feel like we older Aces were equipped with much less knowledge, and more life experiences subjected to exclusion, ostracism, erasure, and open mockery. Though I was never full-on raped (thank the gods), I felt afraid many times and escaped many near-misses, only to be bullied and name-called, then retreat to beat myself up with guilt for my cosmic defect. I lost many friends over my aro/asexuality. I've suffered lifelong consequences.

 

@Davina publishing your story will help fill a hole in Ace history and a need in the market for stories of Aces of all ages.

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On 2/22/2020 at 3:40 AM, KathyHoh said:

For someone who identified early on in life and stayed a virgin, being Ace might be less traumatic. But the social and psychological impacts of Ace especially sex averse, trying to be sexual is not studied much.

It is in no way less traumatic to be sex averse your whole life and to stay a virgin. Trust me.

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Thank you everyone - I now believe that the book should not just benefit me  but others as well. SO, I am definitely going ahead with getting my writing out there. Every story is unique and I did struggle through two marriages trying to fit in to the 'normal' expectations. (I did want to be loved - so tried to negotiate the sexual part.) Being trained in dance and drama did give me some acting skills - but doing the 'Sleepless in Seattle' pretence all the time was not sustainable. However, despite the years of struggle and confusion I did find my way and so I have arrived at a happy contented place. Yes, I now believe asexuals belong in this world and without the 'urge to merge' can contribute to humanity in a unique way. 

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

Share it here, I'm pretty sure many would be happy to read it. It's wonderful seeing older people here too.

Welcome to AVEN 

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On 2/23/2020 at 8:48 AM, IvoryBill said:
On 2/22/2020 at 3:40 AM, KathyHoh said:

For someone who identified early on in life and stayed a virgin, being Ace might be less traumatic. But the social and psychological impacts of Ace especially sex averse, trying to be sexual is not studied much.

It is in no way less traumatic to be sex averse your whole life and to stay a virgin. Trust me.

@KathyHoh, Hi, it was rude of me to shut you down in this quote above. I'm going through a lot of anger and bitterness that's making me self-absorbed. I am sorry. 😔

 

My trauma has been from lifelong bullying and erasure for refusing to engage in any relationships. Yes, I was pinned to the kitchen counter by my father's fists the night I said I was asexual. But the only trauma of penetration I know is the torture of pelvic exams. And yeegads, they *hurt.*

 

I can't imagine being as *brave* as you were for trying against your grain to be het-normal. It's all my last ex-friend asked of me: just try sex once--with him of course--so I could know for sure. And I couldn't even give him that.

 

I doubt that many of us older aces even knew that staying uncoupled was a valid option. Almost all of ace/aro trauma likely springs from that. We all just played the hands we were dealt the best way we knew how. ♠️

 

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Yes absolutely publish it if you can!

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On 2/25/2020 at 11:07 AM, IvoryBill said:

@KathyHoh, Hi, it was rude of me to shut you down in this quote above. I'm going through a lot of anger and bitterness that's making me self-absorbed. I am sorry. 😔

 

My trauma has been from lifelong bullying and erasure for refusing to engage in any relationships. Yes, I was pinned to the kitchen counter by my father's fists the night I said I was asexual. But the only trauma of penetration I know is the torture of pelvic exams. And yeegads, they *hurt.*

 

I can't imagine being as *brave* as you were for trying against your grain to be het-normal. It's all my last ex-friend asked of me: just try sex once--with him of course--so I could know for sure. And I couldn't even give him that.

 

I doubt that many of us older aces even knew that staying uncoupled was a valid option. Almost all of ace/aro trauma likely springs from that. We all just played the hands we were dealt the best way we knew how. ♠️

 

I know it is not any easier not engaging in any relationship. I understand the bitterness stemming from that as well. Stay positive and think about living your life to the fullest in the future. Forget the past. and regardless of your history you got support here.

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I would love to read it and i know many others would too. your knowledge of your self could help  other people find there true selfs at any age

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh, I would love to read it. I hope you can give us updates on here if/when it is available 🙂

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AFlyingPiglet

I would definitely love to read your story.  As others have already said, it is good to hear the experiences of older aces, many of whom have lived the majority of their lives not knowing that asexuality was a 'thing'.  

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MakeupJunkie4

@Davina I am now your biggest fan! :) I wish you all the best in getting your book published, and I look forward to hearing more about it!

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  • 1 month later...

Dear AVEN Friends,

Thank you for your encouragement. COVID-19 Isolation has given me a wonderful space to re-examine  my manuscript and as a result, I decided on a complete re-write.

My first draft would have possibly related well to other asexual folk, but I felt I needed to present my story with a different structure and clarity for the general population. 

So it will be a few more months before the second draft is finished. This version is written as a journal relating to the different stages in my life but punctuated with summaries of different topics that arose out of each stage. 

I hope you are all taking care to stay safe. I am sure my asexuality has naturally given me the skills to cope with isolation quite well and  I am expert in loving-at-a-distance.  So big warm telepathic and electronically-driven hugs to you all. 🙂 Davina

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Anommamous

I am interested in reading this. I encourage you to publish it. It would do our community and the world good to know that asexuality is not just a "young people fad"

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PositivelyAce

It would be great if you can publish your book.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I would love to read this!  I think it would be really helpful for younger aces too in terms of the awareness of others as it can be brushed off as 'well you've just not met the right person yet' or 'it's a phase' or 'once you're in the right place and a bit more settled in life it'll happen'- all these might be true for some people, sexual orientations can change, but having a story from someone who only discovered they were asexual aged 79 but had those experiences their whole life would help to demonstrate that asexuality does exist too and can be lifelong like other orientations.  It sounds really interesting and great that you have been brave and dedicated enough to write it!

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I will certainly be interested in reading this as will so many others, I hope you do publish it 👍

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/10/2020 at 4:43 PM, AFlyingPiglet said:

I would definitely love to read your story.  As others have already said, it is good to hear the experiences of older aces, many of whom have lived the majority of their lives not knowing that asexuality was a 'thing'.  

That is SO true! I was 44 when I found out about asexuality and AVEN in a newspaper article...

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