uhhhmilo Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 so i started dating someone a few months ago, and i was happy to here that we had the same sexuality (panromantic and somewhere on the ace spectrum). next thing you know i just sort of find out small awkward things that shouldn't really matter like they like smut art. at first i thought i was mad because all the smut they like is mlm (i'm a queer guy so i was scared they only liked me because they had a thing for gay guys) and then realized that i,,,, felt guilty? i've never liked porn or anything visual. not because i'm innocent or i'm sparing myself, i just think it's kinda gross to look at and i don't get anything from it. but recently i've been feeling really guilty and broken for not liking things like that, and every time it's brought up, intentionally or not, i get really sad and then mad at myself for feeling sad and then confused why this is happening at all. is there something i can do to stop feeling guilty about it? it just feels so awful and it's not like i can control what other people look at and like, but it's so stupid and i don't want to feel guilty because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 That's...an interesting situation. Most people feel guilty for enjoying the porn, not disliking it. Can you identify why there's guilt? Is it because you don't 'match' your partner's likes? Is it because you're thinking 'ew gross' to these images people clearly put a lot of effort into making? Is it because you feel like disliking porn is 'ace elitism' in some way? Knowing where exactly the guilt is stemming from can go a long way to helping you rationalize it away. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 If you figure it out, let me know. It cuts deep for me that no one will ever feel for me as I do for them and that I cant be normal like everyone else (even aces it seems) and be randomly sexually interested in things that have nothing to do with a partner I care deeply for. Makes me feel more broken than not being into sex ever did. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 @uhhhmilo, no need to feel guilty. A sizeable proportion of the world's population feel exactly the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
gabriele Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 There is nothing to feel guilty about. It's perfectly okay not to like something. I understand that sometimes it can make one feel excluded, less than and many other things. However, not liking something doesn't make you any of those things. We all have different things we don't like, just the same as we have different things we do like. I hope that responses to your post help you realize that there is nothing to feel guilty about. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Skycaptain said: @uhhhmilo, no need to feel guilty. A sizeable proportion of the world's population feel exactly the same way. That's giving false hope. Studies show anywhere from 86%-99% (99% was a male only study, 86% was mixed gender) view porn frequently and pornhub in one year gets 4x the world's population in views. Ever since 2007s internet porn revolution, it has become "the norm" to watch hardcore stuff as part of your routine. Finding someone who doesnt watch it to be in a relationship with is probably harder than finding someone asexual or OK with a sex free relationship. Its OK to not be into it. Its valid. But, if you arent, it is painfully obvious because everyone else basically is. Link to post Share on other sites
Luftschlosseule Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 18 minutes ago, Serran said: That's giving false hope. Says the person posting on AVEN, surrounded by ace people. xD Sorry, it's just you made me laugh. Yes, your numbers may be accurate, but I just assume that most of the people in those surveys were allosexual. There are people outside like you. They're just harder to find. 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
richbo Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 About 24 years ago, when I realized I had an asexual nature (I didn't know what to call it) I was being treated by a psychiatrist for depression. When he accepted my condition he recommended masturbation. I soon found some online porn and tried to use it. It was very intense to me and I quickly realized it was addictive as well so I stopped. I also found that just fantasizing disturbed my serenity and I gradually stopped that as well. These things are nothing but a way to briefly escape from reality and if I want peace of mind I avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
Eutierria Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 5 hours ago, uhhhmilo said: i've never liked porn or anything visual. not because i'm innocent or i'm sparing myself, i just think it's kinda gross to look at and i don't get anything from it. but recently i've been feeling really guilty and broken for not liking things like that, and every time it's brought up, intentionally or not, i get really sad and then mad at myself for feeling sad and then confused why this is happening at all. is there something i can do to stop feeling guilty about it? it just feels so awful and it's not like i can control what other people look at and like, but it's so stupid and i don't want to feel guilty because of it. Sounds like your heart & head fighting each other...hope you'll be able to figure it out (don't panic if it takes some time to figure out). Relationships aren't easy & sometimes, understanding yourself isn't easy either. In my previous relationship which was 12+ years, I didn't know they viewed/liked that kind of stuff until many years in & it made me feel really uncomfortable. Partially because I a) don't view/like that kind of stuff, b) feel like it degrades people, c) feel like it is being used as "education" for teens who can be easily influenced & may not be able to tell apart "entertainment" from reality - in turn making it harmful, d) feel like I am being judgmental when I am accepting of people So, for me, the guilt came from feeling like "who do I think I am for judging others" but simultaneously it made me feel really queasy for being romantically-associated to someone who liked that kind of stuff. Had they told me from the beginning, I think I would've been more OK with it. Honesty is a big thing for me. Does any of this help/resonate with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Luftschlosseule said: Says the person posting on AVEN, surrounded by ace people. xD Sorry, it's just you made me laugh. Yes, your numbers may be accurate, but I just assume that most of the people in those surveys were allosexual. There are people outside like you. They're just harder to find. 🙂 A lot of asexuals watch porn. It's a very frequent topic. And always made me feel out of place in ace spaces when I ID'd as ace. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Serran said: That's giving false hope. Studies show anywhere from 86%-99% (99% was a male only study, 86% was mixed gender) view porn frequently and pornhub in one year gets 4x the world's population in views. Ever since 2007s internet porn revolution, it has become "the norm" to watch hardcore stuff as part of your routine. Finding someone who doesnt watch it to be in a relationship with is probably harder than finding someone asexual or OK with a sex free relationship. Its OK to not be into it. Its valid. But, if you arent, it is painfully obvious because everyone else basically is. I'm sorry, what? I know porn is easily accessible now compared to the the previous decade and all but I find it a little hard to believe something like that 89% mixed and 99% male of the population make it a part of their daily routine. That just seems like number inflation no different than when you have beer studies that claim that everyone consumes beer for a living and that it cures anything from depression to stage 4 cancer, paid and promoted by the beer company itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwaeron Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I mean.. even if 99% of people worldwide do something.. it’s ok to not be into it. You aren’t harming anybody by not liking porn or smut art. I also don’t like it. If a partner likes it, they can enjoy it for themselves. There is nothing wrong with having different preferences to the majority. Link to post Share on other sites
JDawg Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I don't look at or read porn, my straight partner does all the time, and we never bring it up. We do communicate and have established what is cool and not cool, and abide. No hurt feelings; we're each happy when the other's happy. I feel like it might be this person making you feel guilty by bringing it up so much. My partner and I make sure to frame our experiences subjectively, believe each other and react accordingly. Hope you can work it out or move on, these situations are the worst and I'm grateful and amazed my relationship has been copacetic since 2003. It did take my partner a lot of work to convince me I didn't have anything to apologize for and eventually I believed it :3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chef Remy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 When I was a teenager and in the Military. I never understood why other males and even some girls liked porn. Whether it was a magazine or video/dvd/ and on the online. Or strip clubs and the massage parlors in Asia (the ones with the “happy endings”.) And did feel awkward that it did not excite me or that I did not enjoy watching it. Like other guys. And did feel like an outcast at times. I did not feel guilty for not liking porn. But did feel different and questioned sexuality and sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 7 hours ago, Jade Cross said: I'm sorry, what? I know porn is easily accessible now compared to the the previous decade and all but I find it a little hard to believe something like that 89% mixed and 99% male of the population make it a part of their daily routine. That just seems like number inflation no different than when you have beer studies that claim that everyone consumes beer for a living and that it cures anything from depression to stage 4 cancer, paid and promoted by the beer company itself. Studies were for weekly. Obviously, some number variation happens since the samples are never perfect. But, out of all the people I've dated ... even the ones "not into porn" watched it at least once a week and just lied about not liking it. Talked to only a few people total that dont like it. Was pressured since 15 to watch it. I quite honestly feel like another species at time, not being into random people sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/21/2020 at 12:20 PM, Serran said: A lot of asexuals watch porn. It's a very frequent topic. And always made me feel out of place in ace spaces when I ID'd as ace. Yeah I’ve watched porn as a curiosity and that was that. Never watched the stuff since, not my thing. It’s a regular theme here and something that’s personally out of place or relatable to others that don’t make porn a regular part of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.