Can Asexuality be cured?

[Blin]

Hi fellows,

Something really unusual has happened today. 

So i met a guy, just accidentally, and we started talking.Right in the middle, i mentioned that i felt like an asexual and began talking about it even further. At first he was interested what this term meant and right after i started describing it, he told me something, for which i think this story is unusual  He said, that he was working on exactly this kind of issues; said that he is a sexologist and psychologist and that he has helped many families, he's even working now with 2 new cases. Then, as any normal person i had some doubts, like if he was this qualified in this sphere, how didn't he know the concept of asexuality and i asked it straight, he said that this was probably something that people came up with and that he only used medical terms, i trusted (actually didn't care at all) and went on. But then he said something that every confused person would listen to carefully, he said that he could help me. Mentioned that there are some states (levels?) like four, as far as i remember and he was ready do stand by me, but first it was important to find out which phase i was in.. I told him whole my story, that i spent 8 years( from 8 up to 16) close to an old sick paedophile , then loved a big, no, huge bastard, who forced me to have sex with him; he gave me some advises, he said that it was completely psychological factor and it was quiet easy to "cure". 

Well, he offered porn, touching one's self and stuff to have made me horny, he wrote me a site where i could watch whichever i liked, start masturbating and then ( or meanwhile) i had to call him and say whether i felt any eager.. First i was like whaaaaaat?! But i tried, i tried and it felt so weird and awful, i had some feeling as if i had to help those girls, like they were suffering (yeah, i know..;///) I called him and said what i felt and he said that now we had to try some other ways. He asked whether i had a person whom i could trust completely, right after hearing my negative answer, he said that it was the best option to use him as a "survivor"( that's my word, not his) but i had to give it a big thought until i'd decide.  It would be completely safe and it will cover only physical area (don't know actually what it means exactly) long story short, his strategy was everything, but sex. 

So, what i want to ask you is that, are my doubts real? Is he really some kind of liar or freak or something? Can my condition be ,let's call again, "cured"? Should i try or it's just a deception and he wants to use me? I've been really fragile ever since i broke up with my "love" :/// I don't know what to do.......

[Karst]

I'm not an expert, but this person's methods sound dubious.

I'd be very cautious if I were you.

Asexuality isn't something that needs to be cured.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Sounds like he's grooming you for sex mate, get out of there and never look back.

 

And no, cos it's an orientation not an illness.

[RoseGoesToYale]

Ok, if some guy you don't know, even if he suggests he's a doctor or something, suggests you watch porn and gives you the address of a porn site, that is sexual harassment. Doesn't matter if he claims to be the prince of Sealand or whatever, it's sexual harassment and illegal. No legitimate medical professional would ever engage in conduct like that. If you have his name, description, or anything else about him, call the police and report him!

 

Oh, and if you're underage, that would count as minor molestation, and his behind needs to be thrown in jail for that. It needs to be arrested anyway.

 

Asexuality is an orientation. It can't be cured any more than being gay or straight can be cured.

[SithLord]

So trauma is something that may be able to be worked past, but I am not knowledgable about how "curable" it is (I stopped going down that path of psych for a reason). 

Asexuality, however IS NOT CURABLE. It is not an illness. It is not a psychological block. It is an orientation. Many of us have had no sexual trauma or pain in the past and there is no sexologist or therapist that can cure us. (That was one reason I wanted so desperately to get over my fear of sex, I wanted to know if I was actually ace or just afraid for some reason. Turns out I'm still ace.) 

 

This dude also sounds pretty unprofessional. I know there are some sexologists (is that an official term?) who will help their clients work through sexual experiences and trauma, but he should never be involved directly with you in any way. You should be checking and rechecking his credentials, not taking his word at face value at all and confirming everything he's saying with third parties, the internet, everything. If he really is what he's claiming, there should be proof. 

I would recommend not moving forward with this dude until you check him out. Especially if he's the kind of asshole who jumps from "asexual" to "mental illness that needs to be cured". 

[Guest]

I'd stop talking to him.

[Gwaeron]

Dude, run for the hills.

 

This guy is trying to use you, he knows you’re fragile and is preying on that. The text he’s giving you sounds like standard creep talk. It’s absolutely not ok for a stranger to say these types of things, and a real doctor would never randomly offer you such a website and tell you it’s a cure, just like that. Don’t talk to him, protect yourself from scam or worse, and if he’s persistent, report him. Please protect yourself.

[Mish40]

At the very least, I would block this person and never speak to him again.  It sounds like he is grooming you for something much more serious.  Please look after yourself.

 

[Homer]

(1) No, asexuality cannot be cured. Just as heterosexuality cannot be cured.

(2) That dude sounds shady af. It's probably best not to go down that route any further.

[Sinking_In]

He sounds like a phony, a con man. He actually sounds EXACTLY like Colm Meaney's character, Dr. Lionel Badger, and Norbert Weisser's character, Dr. Spitzvogel, in the movie The Road To Wellville (a comedy about quackery). They were so-called "experts" on the medical benefits of sexual pleasure and erotic massage, respectively. In the end, those two con men were preying on the women who came to them for help. This guy sounds like a similar sexual abuser.

[thylacine]

He says he is a sexologist???  Oh give me a break.  Stay away from this creep, hon.  He is definitely up to no good.

[T.Hunter]

Sounds like he's up to no good and asexuality is an orientaion not an illness. Please stay safe.

[wyrdwyrm]

This guy sounds seriously suspicious. Please get him out of your life ASAP.

 

As for your other question, trauma can stifle any natural libido you might have - and working through that trauma with a licensed professional would be beneficial for your mental health, regardless of what your orientation is. Then...if you're a sexual person who is being suppressed by that trauma, treating the trauma may 'cure' the asexual condition because it's not your natural baseline. Otherwise, as others have said, if it's your natural orientation then it's not something that can be cured - it's just who you are.

 

But none of that therapy is going to look like what this guy is suggesting. Do not trust him.

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, SithEmpress said:

(That was one reason I wanted so desperately to get over my fear of sex, I wanted to know if I was actually ace or just afraid for some reason. Turns out I'm still ace.) 

And I Just Don't Care. I'd rather be an afraid, repressed non-asexual than have sex. After all, celibacy is a legitimate choice for asexuals and allosexuals alike.

Not judging your path, but I simply needed to stress that fear of sex is not something which has to be overcome. A person may just not want to do it. A person may prefer their sex-free comfort to certainty about whether it's asexuality or something else. And a person may decide that it's just not worth it. I don't desire sex, I don't want to ever have sex, why should I torture myself with the horror of partnered nudity to check whether I could potentially desire something I have zero need for?

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

Then...if you're a sexual person who is being suppressed by that trauma, treating the trauma may 'cure' the asexual condition because it's not your natural baseline.

And even if a person's apparent asexuality is 100% a result of trauma, they still have a right to decide not to treat it.

A text on this issue, which may also be useful for the OP:

Keep Your Acephobia Out of #MeToo Conversations, Jaclyn Friedman

[SithLord]

1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

And I Just Don't Care. I'd rather be an afraid, repressed non-asexual than have sex. After all, celibacy is a legitimate choice for asexuals and allosexuals alike.

Not judging your path, but I simply needed to stress that fear of sex is not something which has to be overcome. A person may just not want to do it. A person may prefer their sex-free comfort to certainty about whether it's asexuality or something else. And a person may decide that it's just not worth it. I don't desire sex, I don't want to ever have sex, why should I torture myself with the horror of partnered nudity to check whether I could potentially desire something I have zero need for?

You and I have chosen to disagree on this matter. For me, fear is something to be overcome. If there's no reason to overcome it, though, why bother? It was important to me and not to you. You call it torture, I call it necessary therapy. Some of us prefer to face challenges rather than shy away from them, and it's not necessarily choosing one or the other. I'm not about to go sky diving or bungee jumping for example.

[LeChat]

Yeah; like others mentioned, that guy sounds suspicious claiming to be a sexologist, trying to offer you porn, etc.

 

@SithEmpress Yes; you're correct. It is an official term that is mentioned by licensed sexologists all around the internet. Asexual researcher, Lori Brotto, has used the term, describing herself and the work that she does. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, Blin said:

At first he was interested what this term meant and right after i started describing it, he told me something, for which i think this story is unusual  He said, that he was working on exactly this kind of issues

The contradiction between these two sentences proves that this guy is, to put it modestly, not an honest therapist.

I feel inclined to quote the radical feminist Mary Daly (altough she meant something else: a general suspicion towards psychoanalysts, psychotherapists and their - at least in her view - manipulation of women), but I'll hide it because it might be too scary and triggering to some.

Spoiler

He's not a therapist. He's a the-rapist.

 

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Blin

As a practicing psychologist, I’d also like to give my two cents. And yes, this might sound very wrong to people who are adamant about all asexuality being an orientation.

 

Asexuality can be an orientation or it can be trauma-related. The problem is – you’ll never really know which is which from how it presents itself. If it’s trauma-related, then this false-asexuality, if you will, can be treated. I wouldn’t say “easily cured”, but after years of psychotherapy there are chances to make the symptoms much less severe so the person is at least comfortable with sex. If it’s an orientation, all this effort won’t bring any more results than just improving your general psychological health through resolving the trauma issues.

 

The problem is that suggesting that a traumatized person should simply masturbate and watch porn before (of without) long-term psychotherapeutic work is… questionable. Furthermore, it sounds potentially dangerous – old traumatic experiences could be triggered. So, no, I wouldn’t recommend this particular psychologist.

However, you can find a good, patient therapist and commit yourself to full-scale psychotherapy that would include the issues of your asexuality. This might make you more comfortable with sex or might just increase your general psychological well-being and make you further “immune” to claims like “I’ll cure what ails you”.

[Lara Black]

51 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

The contradiction between these two sentences proves that this guy is, to put it modestly, not an honest therapist.

Not necessarily. In many countries asexuality isn’t a recognized thing in the world of professional psychology. It’s viewed as a symptom and has its clinical names and stages. And though this approach clearly has its downsides (as in shrinks trying to cure all asexuality), the good thing about it is that some people who require help can actually be helped.  

I myself found out about asexuality mainly because I’m a member of the LGBT+ community – here they don’t teach asexuality in universities. Well, I and my partner teach our students about it, yeah, but we’re not going to make this our mission, and apart from several enthusiasts, pretty much nobody talks about it in professional circles.

[Blin]

I just read all of your advises, comments and first off all i want to say that i'm thankful for considering my condition and and giving really meaningful advises. I'll try to somehow manage replying to all. 

First thing, i've remembered from the comments is to get away from this person asap. I'm really happy that none of you said things like: how isn't that clear even from his words (you moron-could be thought) and i appreciate that attitude <3 I live in a developing country, where nobody gives a sh*t to this kind of stuff. One of you said that this issue is discussed differently in various countries, i also thought that he could have some kind of wrong educational experience, but then i asked and he told me he studied in London for a year, thus i thought it couldn't have been that way. Don't think ,any of you, please that because i'm not stable at the moment, i'm blind, No, but because i'm sure my case is trauma-based occasion, that's why i thought i should have let him help. Any person here, who is from developed, civilized country, where they are used to qualified professionals, healthy views and in general, "good life" (don't get me wrong) would be surprised, but for me it was not big of a deal that he might be wrong about some stuff..Even your understanding and supportive is surprising for me.. Ooh, only now i remember, before he suggested porn, he asked me whether i had felt anything before when i saw some scenes in movies or if i had ever watched intimate videos an stuff and i said, there had been some moments when my heart was beating harder but that was the only indication. 

I want to cheer you all up and say that i told him, i didn't want to have him invaded in my life, when i said that he told me that it was upon me, how i wanted everything would have happened that way, but he also added that i needed to be set free and i was the only one who's will, who's eager to this, was the main factor and crucial, without it nothing could be changed to positive. I wrote him that it was highly unacceptable for me, on which he replied, that i was being wrong, sex was not what he meant, only touching and causing the raise of passion (or how do i say? hope, it's understandable) I said that i could see no difference between them and repeated how i felt about this all. He said OK. 

Now to make you a bit sad, I am still not sure. Sometimes i give my mind freedom; think that i should try, i should do some stuff, i even watched porn (with a frozen face, like 0 reaction) I don't want to lose myself, i want to save my identity, but also, feel how my thoughts and body is just in disharmony. 

Maybe i can be really cured, i don't want to offend Asexuals with this term "cure", but as mentioned, it can be both, trauma-based and orientation as well. What if i try? What if i say to him yes? What do i lose, or it can be destructive for me? 

Thank you all once again <3

[everywhere and nowhere]

Don't be so harsh on yourself. You have done nothing wrong and nobody considers you a moron. Many aces have been in similar situations and therefore are giving you advice - you don't need to apologise for asking.

5 hours ago, Blin said:

Ooh, only now i remember, before he suggested porn, he asked me whether i had felt anything before when i saw some scenes in movies or if i had ever watched intimate videos an stuff and i said, there had been some moments when my heart was beating harder but that was the only indication. 

This changes very little. A faster heartbeat may be a sign of nervousness, not just arousal.

A note on the side: there is a popular theory (of course, usually mentioned to be mean towards homophobes, and that's understandable because they are very mean to a lot of people) that most homophobes are secretly gay and their homophobia is a result of not accepting their tendencies. Some research shows that there might be something to this theory - in some study, homophobic men were shown gay porn and tests indicated that they became aroused. However, arousal can be unaccepted by the subject and, in this case, may be a kind of involuntary bodily reaction to disgust and aggressive thoughts.

5 hours ago, Blin said:

Maybe i can be really cured, i don't want to offend Asexuals with this term "cure", but as mentioned, it can be both, trauma-based and orientation as well. What if i try? What if i say to him yes? What do i lose, or it can be destructive for me? 

Well, I admit that I hate the word "cure", because it implies that not desiring sex is an illness, a lesser state of being.

However, the only relevant question is: would YOU want to (be able to) desire sex? Really, this is the only thing that matters. If you don't, then even if your asexuality was indeed caused by trauma, you don't have to do anything about it - in fact you even shouldn't, because that would be contrary to your lack of need for sexual desire. You can also read the text I have linked above - "Keep Your Acephobia Out of #MeToo Conversations, Jaclyn Friedman".

I, for example, absolutely wouldn't want to desire sex. I have never experienced sexual trauma, but my asexuality is with all likelihood acquired - due to being chronically ill (allergy and atopic dermatitis) and, as a result, extremely nudity-averse. And I vehemently don't want to ever try "treating" it. I don't want to have sex ever, I don't want to want sex, so I actively prefer being effectively asexual. But you can - and should - choose for yourself.

However, even if you would like to give it a try, please don't trust this guy and seek professional help somewhere else. Yes, it could be harmful to you. As you can see, most of us have a strong impression that he is no real therapist, but rather a sexual predator looking for a gullible victim. He could harm you, he could simply abuse you and make your level of wellbeing even worse.

[thylacine]

On 2/20/2020 at 9:01 PM, T.Hunter said:

Sounds like he's up to no good and asexuality is an orientaion not an illness. Please stay safe.

Abso-freakin'-lutely, my friend!

 

Avoid this bum at all costs.

 

[MrDane]

imo

1. A sexuality can not be cured. Sometimes changing the surroundings/enviroment can change the approach. Like finding out, that during certain circumstances it can be nice. But it may still feel the same. 

2. A terrible experience like sexual abuse can leave A person with a cloud of negative connotation, a dark cloud, that makes the abused never want to have anything sexually again, since it triggers bad stuff. That is what mostly makes a normal sexual person not have a need for sex and even be repulsed by it. It doesnt actually make them asexual. To a sexual partner, the difference can be hard to distinguish between. 
“I love you. You love me. Do you want to have sex?”

”Yes, I love you. But, no!”

[Homer]

17 hours ago, Blin said:

What if i try? What if i say to him yes? What do i lose, or it can be destructive for me? 

Yes, having someone unqualified play with your psychological state can absolutely be destructive.

[TheCookie]

As someone who had a really bad experience with a “therapist”, my advice is to go to someone with better certifications and that comes recommended. Not a rando who wants you to watch porn and call him afterwards!

I’m just gonna drop here my personal experience if it can be of help (CW: sexual harassment). In my 20s, my then-boyfriend (I didn’t know asexuality was a thing and I really admired him so I agreed to a relationship but felt zero attraction to him) convinced me that I probably had some kind of sex phobia and I was making him physically and psychologically suffer by refusing sex, so he suggested I went to see a psychologist his family knew.

This psychologist was in his 50s, never even mentioned asexuality as a valid orientation (it was over 10 years ago btw), threw around random theories like I was a closeted lesbian or had been abused and I had forgotten about it; finally he just said something like “maybe you need someone older and more experienced to teach you sex without emotional involvement” and unsurprisingly offered himself as a candidate. I refused obviously and he immediately made it sound like it was just a provocation to make me “reflect about my situation”. I didn’t even realise he was a creep and I kept going to therapy for months afterwards. He would bring up the “provocation” now and again and he would insist in talking about my sex life (in crude terms, he would straight up ask me “did you finally f**k?”) even when I went to him for completely unrelated problems and I was in a visibly fragile state.

In conclusion, if it sounds weird and creepy, it’s probably not worth it. And it can damage you a lot!

I don’t think it’s wrong to feel like you need “fixing” if that’s what you want, but at least do it through someone professional and reliable.

 

 

(Sorry if I didn’t put the potentially triggering stuff as hidden content but I can’t figure out how to do it)

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, TheCookie said:

he just said something like “maybe you need someone older and more experienced to teach you sex without emotional involvement” and unsurprisingly offered himself as a candidate.

And that creep was a real, certified psychologist?!

Although... the medical and psychological professions are not immune to perversions and just Low Professional Ethics. Below there are two examples of Polish sexologists - fortunately, nothing first-hand, I have never visited a sexologist because I don't consider my sexuality problematic.

[And, by the way, hiding the text is done with the eye icon. On the bar you have, from the left: bold font, italic, underline, strikethrough, remove formatting, link, quote - and the 8th is "spoiler" (although, I actually don't like this word, and here it's rather used for "TW" anyway. I dislike the word "spoiler" even more because lazy Polish people have borrowed it directly into Polish - and I'm a linguistic purist, I really dislike overuse of anglicisms and just linguistic laziness and sloppiness. I never use the word "spoiler" in Polish when for example writing about adventure games, I instead write things like "to avoid forestalling events...").]

Spoiler

Case 1: Dr. L. is not just a general sexologist, but also a diagnost of trangender people - and people seeking gender reassignment need a certificate from a sexologist to begin the legal procedure. I'm not trans myself, but I have trans friends, so I know a bit about the situation. There are not very many diagnosts for trans people in Poland, but in Warsaw there were even three, at least a few years ago, when my friend Isabelle was starting the procedure. Dr. D. is considered very greedy. Dr. Cz. and his team (later, for reasons I will decribed above, he was suspended and his assistant, Dr. J. was the main diagnost) are refunded, but they expect a 1,5-year "real life test" without HRT!! (My friend was very lucky to have relatively slow puberty, at 18 she was still fairly short, had little facial hair... She probably would have had much worse conditions after 1,5 years without HRT.) So Dr. L. is probably chosen most often. However, he is a particularly unpleasant case for FTM people, because he insists of taking photographs of their intimate area - "for documentation", he claims. 🤢 (While I don't like "acronymania", let me propose a new acronym. MMWP - Makes Me Wanna Puke. )

Case 2: Dr. Cz. ("cz" is pronouned like "ch" in "check", for example), as I wrote, also diagnoses trans people, but the case for which he was suspended was an ordinary female patient with some problems - I don't know what kind, but what happened was widely publicised. He supposedly told her to sit in the kind of chair for you know what kind of intimacy-trampling examination (sorry, that'd my view, as you know, I'm extremely nudity-averse and I anyway believe that the right to leave out the medical procedures one chooses is a part of bodily autonomy), to relax, and when she was unsuspecting... he inserted a vibrator into her!!!!  Obviously, she was shocked and she sued him for rape. I'm not sure how it all ended, but it's disgusting how some people believe that "therapy" and their status as medical professionals excuses anything.

 

1 hour ago, TheCookie said:

in crude terms, he would straight up ask me “did you finally f**k?”

This is just OUTRAGEOUS.

I don't even use the F word and I would never allow anyone to use such words to me.

[TheCookie]

Thanks @Nowhere Girl! I’m “technologically challenged”, let’s put it this way.

 

What’s crazy about this story is that it took me a couple of years and a friend’s feedback to realise how unprofessional and damaging that man’s behaviour had been. If I had reported him immediately (perhaps I could have recorded him whilst saying those inappropriate things) he would probably be out of a job and I might have prevented other people to fall for his bs. At the time though I had such low self esteem and I was so convinced everything about me was wrong, that I never questioned his authority and that’s exactly the risk: when you’re struggling and you feel low, it’s easy for anyone who can claim some sort of credentials to take advantage of your vulnerability.

 

That’s why OP should be very very careful! This kind of shady behaviour reminds me of “natural healers” who convince scared vulnerable people with some devastating diagnosis to try fake cures instead of listening to medical professionals.

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, TheCookie said:

Thanks @Nowhere Girl! I’m “technologically challenged”, let’s put it this way.

I prefer calling myself a "technological conservative", but I have similar problems. However, at least I probably have learned forum functions on a good enough level.

This is also why I use Windows 7 ("Oh no, I don't want to learn Windows 10 when I'm so used to good old Windows 7") and a 20-year-old mobile ("Oh no, I have no clue how to use smartphones, I don't even know every single function on my phone"). However, another reason is just liking to be different - and very few people use so old mobile phones nowadays. I feel so nice when I'm sitting on the metro, there are six seats in a "unit", and often in such a unit five people pull out their smartphones and I pull out a book...

[thylacine]

11 hours ago, Homer said:

Yes, having someone unqualified play with your psychological state can absolutely be destructive.

Totally - I mean, do not, I repeat, do not, trust this dude.