Demisexuals (or any who think they could answer) how do you experience sexual attraction and when/if you fantasied do you actually want to have sex with this person? I’m still undecided as to whether Im demisexual

[OldKitten]

I hope this is the right place to post this😖I am going to do my absolute best to describe this properly because i have tried a couple times and it confused even me. 
 

To summarise my attitude to sex is it’s cool if my partner would want to have it but I wouldn’t choose to do it myself. 
 

That being said, i have had sex and it felt really good I’m not gonna lie but I never felt the desire to actual have it with my ex. He would get frustrated at me because I didn’t initiate. 
 

Now to fantasies, i do have them. This is where everything for me gets a bit confusing. I have a libido but I can’t fantasise about someone on purely looks alone. I wish it stopped there because then id be demisexual case closed. First question is do you ever fantasise about an actor’s character but the actor itself does nothing for you? I watch characters and not feel anything but once i get to know them i can develop a ‘crush’ on them and they can become a figure in my fantasies (obviously i know that they are just a character). Second question ties into the title, it seems like a silly question but I do need to understand: when you fantasise do you genuinely want to have sex with them? For me I don’t, they get my libido going but thats it. And while I imagine me doing it, it doesn’t actually feel like I’m actually doing it, it’s like a movie. Sometimes literally seeing myself sometimes POV shot. Do you actually imagine that you’re actually having sex?I definitely have romantic attraction and ive heard the phrase sensual attraction coined which i also experience but sexual? Not sure

 

When i like someone, when my libido isnt raised or triggered, i just want to be with them and cuddle and kiss and that but any sexual acts doesn’t appeal to me.

 

i guess my ultimate question is that if having sexual fantasies about people I know on some level but not wanting to have sex with them put me in the demisexual definition? Or am I just satisfying my libido ?

 

i hope this makes sense because i really want to know!

[Philip027]

I'm only demiromantic for sure, not totally sure on the demisexual bit but leaning towards no.

 

Being able to enjoy sex has no real bearing on sexuality by itself; it only might help influence whether you're personally favorable, indifferent, or repulsed.  What matters is if you actually want/desire/pursue the act.

 

I don't fantasize nor do I ever develop crushes toward fictional characters so I can't speak to those bits.

[Laceyflama]

This makes sense to me! I'm also trying to figure out if I may be demi, as I relate VERY strongly to aspects of it that affect my ability to have romantic/sexual relationships, but I don't seem to "check" many of the boxes when it comes to libido!

 

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Second question ties into the title, it seems like a silly question but I do need to understand: when you fantasise do you genuinely want to have sex with them? For me I don’t, they get my libido going but thats it.

I have experienced crushes (growing up, it was Legolas NOT Orlando Bloom :P), but even when I do–characters or real life people–I never get off to inserting them into sexual fantasy. I don't really imagine myself doing things with any specific person, even if the thought of them as a person preps me up for certain emotionally-charged sexual fantasy.

 

I may be misunderstanding you tho– if you're saying fantasy doesn't equal action, then I'd definitely agree that's true for pretty much everyone no matter how they identify. Just because you fantasize about it doesn't mean you want to actually DO it in real life. But if you mean that just because you fantasize about a PERSON doesn't mean you necessarily go as far as fantasizing specifically about sexual acts with them, then I'd say that does feel a bit demi to me, and that's what I relate to quite a bit!

[OldKitten]

4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm only demiromantic for sure, not totally sure on the demisexual bit but leaning towards no.

 

4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

What matters is if you actually want/desire/pursue the act.

Yes same, i think am definitely demiromantic now that I know what it is but unsure on the demisexual front. And i dont think i do want/desire/pursue the act i would be fine with never having sex again. That sounds more demiromantic right?

[OldKitten]

2 hours ago, Laceyflama said:

I have experienced crushes (growing up, it was Legolas NOT Orlando Bloom :P), but even when I do–characters or real life people–I never get off to inserting them into sexual fantasy. I don't really imagine myself doing things with any specific person, even if the thought of them as a person preps me up for certain emotionally-charged sexual fantasy.

Yessss Legolas😂 and I definitely simply fantasise about the person but those fantasies do progress into sexual acts when i get aroused for whatever reason? I think that’s maybe where we differ since you say you don’t check the boxes for libido. That being said, even thought i may have fantasies of sexual acts with person i have created a bond with whilst im turned on, it’s not simply i dont want to act on the fantasy the idea actually turns me off, my mind literally goes “ew no”.

 

3 hours ago, Laceyflama said:

Just because you fantasize about it doesn't mean you want to actually DO it in real life. But if you mean that just because you fantasize about a PERSON doesn't mean you necessarily go as far as fantasizing specifically about sexual acts with them

I did say above how my fantasy tend to progress in ones with sexual acts but after typing and re-reading this, i do mostly just have emotionally-charged fantasies and it’s only when my libido is high that i will go onto sexual acts but when my libido goes down im back to emotional fantasies. Even when my libido is high and have sexual fantasies for relief, i am still dont have the need to pursue sex, it’s almost still an aversion. If i was in a relationship i would always prefer not have sex, like to satisfy my libido fine but even then im good. While im open to having sex if my partner wants it it still makes my skin crawl.

[Abigail Rose]

The first time I had any interest at all in another person was after having known them for almost eight years. They were the same person from day one, but for me it was just really glad to have their friendship. Nothing eventful happened but one day the idea of spending all my time with them became really important to me. I started thinking maybe I want to be intimate and such with them. Absolutely terrifying to approach as I was far older than most people who get feelings like that the first time. I had no idea what to expect. Perhaps there was just the slightest bit of me that fantasized over what great things might happen. Regardless of what happened from that point on, it is that moment where the bond to someone just kinda wakes you up to something different you just do not normally feel. I hope that helps. 

[AnneBonny159]

Think I'm on the same page with most of what you said!

 

It takes me a long time + deep emotional connection for me to consider wanting to have sex with someone. It's happened with solidly two people in 23 years. I've done it, it's felt good, but like you said, I was never interested in initiating. I'd more just go along with it if my partner wanted to, and it was... fine? Sometimes better than fine? Like, it felt good, but I wasn't ever bothered about doing it again or regularly. As time has gone on I've become less and less interested.

For me, being demisexual is about needing that close emotional connection before I could be even remotely sexually attracted to them. Now I lean more towards grey-asexual, because even if I have *potential* to be attracted to someone, it is still highly unlikely I'd ever want to act on it, beyond maybe a bit of kissing. 

I really enjoy cuddling, hand holding, being close to someone, kissing... beyond that though, I really don't care either way. 

 

As for the fantasy thing, I'm the same - even though it's fun to imagine, I don't think I'd ever want to *do* anything about it, and I do sort of feel like an observer rather than an active participant when I think about it. And like... if someone ever came to me wanting to fulfill any kind of Legolas (yeah, same ) fantasy I may have had, I don't think I would actually want to do anything about it outside of my own head?

 

Just from my own experiences as a demisexual/grey-aexual person, I'd say you'd definitely fit under that umbrella if that's a label you want to define yourself with. But equally if you don't want to, that's also fine!

[OldKitten]

1 hour ago, AnneBonny159 said:

Think I'm on the same page with most of what you said!

 

It takes me a long time + deep emotional connection for me to consider wanting to have sex with someone. It's happened with solidly two people in 23 years. I've done it, it's felt good, but like you said, I was never interested in initiating. I'd more just go along with it if my partner wanted to, and it was... fine? Sometimes better than fine? Like, it felt good, but I wasn't ever bothered about doing it again or regularly. As time has gone on I've become less and less interested.

For me, being demisexual is about needing that close emotional connection before I could be even remotely sexually attracted to them. Now I lean more towards grey-asexual, because even if I have *potential* to be attracted to someone, it is still highly unlikely I'd ever want to act on it, beyond maybe a bit of kissing. 

I really enjoy cuddling, hand holding, being close to someone, kissing... beyond that though, I really don't care either way. 

 

As for the fantasy thing, I'm the same - even though it's fun to imagine, I don't think I'd ever want to *do* anything about it, and I do sort of feel like an observer rather than an active participant when I think about it. And like... if someone ever came to me wanting to fulfill any kind of Legolas (yeah, same ) fantasy I may have had, I don't think I would actually want to do anything about it outside of my own head?

 

Just from my own experiences as a demisexual/grey-aexual person, I'd say you'd definitely fit under that umbrella if that's a label you want to define yourself with. But equally if you don't want to, that's also fine!

You definitely share the same experience and thoughts of mine when it comes to actually having sex (it being nah im good) but i just wanted to ask at the rare times you have experienced sexual attraction what did it feel like? Because from what i can tell from research i have triggers for my libidio but i haven’t experienced sexual attraction as i dont want to have sex with a specific person, im just aroused. 

[AnneBonny159]

17 hours ago, OldKitten said:

You definitely share the same experience and thoughts of mine when it comes to actually having sex (it being nah im good) but i just wanted to ask at the rare times you have experienced sexual attraction what did it feel like? Because from what i can tell from research i have triggers for my libidio but i haven’t experienced sexual attraction as i dont want to have sex with a specific person, im just aroused. 

I guess I don't really know how to answer that, sorry! I just knew that it felt different to normal. Usually, I just sort of feel "yeah that feels good but eh whatever, if you stopped right now I literally wouldn't care". Those couple of times I've identified feeling actual *attraction*, I guess the difference for me was that I didn't want them to stop. It felt good, it was tied up in that specific person, and I wanted them to carry on. Sorry if that's not very helpful, it just happens so rarely that it's really difficult to explain!

[OldKitten]

2 hours ago, AnneBonny159 said:

I guess I don't really know how to answer that, sorry! I just knew that it felt different to normal. Usually, I just sort of feel "yeah that feels good but eh whatever, if you stopped right now I literally wouldn't care". Those couple of times I've identified feeling actual *attraction*, I guess the difference for me was that I didn't want them to stop. It felt good, it was tied up in that specific person, and I wanted them to carry on. Sorry if that's not very helpful, it just happens so rarely that it's really difficult to explain!

No no this was so helpful thank you! I would never say that i was tied up in one person when it came to sexual things i was more this feels nice but this specific person is not making me want him. Like there was this one guy i was crushing on hard and we were kissing (i do experience sensual attraction for sure) but when he tried to push things further, it turned me off completely and i stopped him! Even with my ex who i loved, i never wanted him. Anytime we had sex it wasn’t because i desired him it was more ‘well he wants to do it, it’s enjoyable and satisfies my libido’. I have officially confirmed my outstanding queries so honestly thank you your explanation was perfect👌🏽💜

[AnneBonny159]

On 2/23/2020 at 10:14 PM, OldKitten said:

No no this was so helpful thank you! I would never say that i was tied up in one person when it came to sexual things i was more this feels nice but this specific person is not making me want him. Like there was this one guy i was crushing on hard and we were kissing (i do experience sensual attraction for sure) but when he tried to push things further, it turned me off completely and i stopped him! Even with my ex who i loved, i never wanted him. Anytime we had sex it wasn’t because i desired him it was more ‘well he wants to do it, it’s enjoyable and satisfies my libido’. I have officially confirmed my outstanding queries so honestly thank you your explanation was perfect👌🏽💜

Glad I could help 😊