Friends who you have come out to bring up your asexuality

[Chef Remy]

Know this is a common topic but wanted to post this to get it off my chest.

How you deal with friends who being up your sexual orientation and being asexual?

Coming out? Should I broadcast that I am asexual? Or just keep  it private and to myself. And only let people who need to know know and close friends?

Had lunch with a good female friend who is married. She was the first person who I came out to as being asexual and was very understanding and knew about the orientation. I have known her for almost four years now. Usually my sexual orientation doesn’t come up with conversations I have with friends I have come out to. But this time it did. And she asked if I thought about dating again or trying to find a partner. And asked how I was sexual/sex life. Told her I don’t see myself dating or looking for a partner anytime in the near future. (Though I would like to expand my circle of friends or people that I actually know and could rely on in the physical area I am at. And not just have “acquaintances”. It’s hard making friends when you past 30 and single.)…And sexually….lol…I never really had a sex drive or much interest in sex.

(Like the idea of not being single. But being in “relationship with myself”. Though I am not there yet.)

Did not find the questions or the topic wrong or uncomfortable. But was surprised she brought up my asexuality. I don’t think of being asexual as that different, or would like to believe it is not that different. But then something happens and I am reminded I am different and not like other straight/allosexual’s. And we do belong in the LGBTQA community, we do exist, and do need to come out, and do need to be heard!

It times like this when I want to broadcast I am asexual!  I wear an ace ring and have a small equal sign, asexual flag, and pride flag, on my car. Am a member of an Asexual social group.  I don’t hide I am asexual but don’t think it is everyone business either. Justify that with the reserve question; straight and allosexuals do not come out, or get asked about their sex life.

It’s been four years since I discovered the term asexual and came out as asexual. Thought I had accepted my asexuality. But feel I have more to grow in coming out to myself.

[SithLord]

I'm 100% out. I don't broadcast it or bring it up in every conversation I'm in, but I don't mind when I talk to friends about it and/or they ask. It actually comes up fairly regularly with a group I'm currently hanging out with because of weird geeky reasons and my strange fascination with sex. The only time I would be questioning if I should be out to someone is the nature of my relationship to them. Like coming out to my coworkers in America didn't bother me, but coming out to my coworkers here would scare me and I'm not sure they'd even understand.

[Memento1]

I don't mind talking about my sexuality, though I don't broadcast it unasked.  I don't really have an issue if a friend brings it up or asks me about my dating/sex life, because it means they find me interesting enough to want to know more.  I know I'm different from most people but I no longer feel excluded.  Difference is what makes life interesting - if everyone was exactly the same we'd have nothing to talk about!

[Phalena]

I personally tell the least ammount of people possible. Expecially withtin the wider family. It would just make all those: "When will you get married and have kids?"-questions more frequent and worse. Now I'm still lucky with being in my early twenties...

 

Same goes for my commilitones and friends. I rather not talk about it and try to laugh when someone tells a sex joke and even join if I feel like it. It's only very specific people to whom I have outed. In the province it feels a little safer that way. But even in a big city I'd probably only tell carefully selected people.

Coming out is for safe-spaces. And even then you never know what peoples' reactions will be like. If unlucky, there can be very unpleasant surprises. On the other hand it's a bigger and wonderful surprise if the other has already heard of the term and understands (in theory) what you're talking about. And if they don't knpw there are still those who just roll with it. Maybe they'll ask some questions but they're fine with the way you are. (Or at least don't make a big deal out of it).

[Chef Remy]

On 2/20/2020 at 12:07 AM, SithEmpress said:

I'm 100% out. I don't broadcast it or bring it up in every conversation I'm in, but I don't mind when I talk to friends about it and/or they ask. 

I have not come out to co-workers either in a previous job I had a print out of asexual flag in my cubical but no one ever asked me about or commented on it.

I thought I was more comfortable being asexual and accepting of myself. But that is because I don’t see myself as that different or would like believe that? But really being asexual is different! And don’t I think I have fully accepted being asexual yet? And still struggling with it? Which is why her bring it up brother me.

[Chef Remy]

On 2/20/2020 at 3:32 AM, MiffKeks said:

Coming out is for safe-spaces. And even then you never know what peoples' reactions will be like. If unlucky, there can be very unpleasant surprises. 

I have only come out to few close friends too. Most surprising new what asexuality was and were very accepting. And know my family would not understand. And hate the questions “Are you seeing anyone?” “Why haven’t you settled down yet?” “Are you gay?” etc.

I am comfortable talking about being asexual in an asexual social group I am in. That really helped me come out and understand I was asexual too.  

I thought I was more comfortable being asexual and accepting of myself. But that is because I don’t see myself as that different or would like to believe that? But really being asexual is different!  I think I have not fully accepted being asexual yet? Or am that comfortable being asexual as I thought I was?

I am a private person and don’t have a large of friends here either. And yes a lot of people don’t understand what being on the asexual spectrum means or believe asexuality even exist still. And hate the questions about asexuality from people who are not accepting of the LGBT community! And don’t like explaining to people especially since I am a male.

I understand “coming out is for safe spaces”. Just thought I was more comfortable and past that.

[tiptoenail]

 

3 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

 And know my family would not understand. And hate the questions “Are you seeing anyone?” “Why haven’t you settled down yet?” “Are you gay?” etc.

Sadly these kind of questions are par for the course when your male and reach a certain age. 

 

3 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

And yes a lot of people don’t understand what being on the asexual spectrum means or believe asexuality even exist still. And hate the questions about asexuality from people who are not accepting of the LGBT community! And don’t like explaining to people especially since I am a male.

What about those members of the LGBT community who are not accepting of asexuals?

[Phalena]

13 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

I understand “coming out is for safe spaces”. Just thought I was more comfortable and past that.

I don't see anissue with what you're describing. Being a little attentive is never bad. You said, you're more of a private person. This is an assumption now: I think if you were hetero-sexual you might also not have been the person to talk about it to just anyone? I believe being sure of something does not mean that you or I never have to worry about it again. It's more the certainty we get of our experiences that comforts us. We have learned that there are places we can talk about asexuality and have learned that there situations in which we don't.

If we were unsure we might just tell everyone about our asexuality while hoping to get positive reactions. And that really wouldn't be the best way to handle it. It's not the same though as aces coming out to many people because they feel that there's no point in not telling them. I think it has a lot to do with one's personality in general. I'm convinced they can give people the impression of someone self-concious and extraverted when doing it. If I were to do the same I might just run into a brick-wall face first. It would be so weird that the very most people would be convinced that I'm bad in telling jokes or making fun of aces.

 

In the end it'syour choice. Maybe you'l feel more comfortable when telling more people and earlier. Maybe just trying helps: it'll become a routine even and then you might not feel the need to keep your asexuality to safe-spaces anymore? But listen to your gut! If it tells you that telling somebody NOW will threaten your life then don't do it. I mean the situations in which it just makes you a little nervous, that's when you can try it out. Does that make any sense? I'm jabbering without end and am not sure if any of this is coherent.

[Talon]

I had a friend who made me pretty uncomfortable once-- I'm about the same in levels of out-ness. Some people know, but it's not that important to me and a lot of the time it doesn't come up. At the time of this interaction I was in a relationship with someone pretty stereotypically attractive, and my friend said something like "the best part to me is I thought you were ace Talon", the insinuation being "you've landed someone pretty hot" and I replied, honestly, "yeah I thought I was too" and everyone had a good laugh, the joke being my partner turned me or something. That wasn't cool. I was drinking so didn't have the mindset to correct that it doesn't matter who I'm dating, all I meant was it was genuinely confusing at the time and grappling with what I did/didn't feel was actually a whole (pre-existent) crisis.

 

Anyway. In my context that was uncool. I think if you're on topic about sex/sex life/relationshipping it's not much of a stretch. Like if you were speaking to a bi friend who recently switched from dating one gender to another asking how that felt to them in the context of their sexuality might be something to talk about. But when you don't think about it a lot, I can understand having someone else bring it up be jarring. 

[Guest]

Zero, because I don't really go around thinking "I'm asexual" quite yet so there's no reason for me to come out. However, on a few occasions I did ... say that in a backwards way I guess. My best friends are just like "pssht, I guess that's just her lol" at this point because that's over a decade of not talking about sex to any of them. My family swears I'm probably having a very active sexual life somewhere somehow. I made the mistake of browsing AVEN in front of a coworker and I think she saw it. Also, another coworker wears a black ring on the middle finger. One day I noticed it and may have given it a couple of stares out of surprise, I didn't really know if I should ask because who knows why she wears that so I just... didn't mention anything. But I know she is happily single and everyone knows I'm not the relationship kind so if she noticed, she's probably like "ah she knows" lol. (If you have ever been in such a situation, uh, sorry I guess on their behalf...?)    

 

30 minutes ago, Talon said:

I had a friend who made me pretty uncomfortable once-- I'm about the same in levels of out-ness. Some people know, but it's not that important to me and a lot of the time it doesn't come up. At the time of this interaction I was in a relationship with someone pretty stereotypically attractive, and my friend said something like "the best part to me is I thought you were ace Talon", the insinuation being "you've landed someone pretty hot" and I replied, honestly, "yeah I thought I was too" and everyone had a good laugh, the joke being my partner turned me or something. That wasn't cool. I was drinking so didn't have the mindset to correct that it doesn't matter who I'm dating, all I meant was it was genuinely confusing at the time and grappling with what I did/didn't feel was actually a whole (pre-existent) crisis.

 

Anyway. In my context that was uncool. I think if you're on topic about sex/sex life/relationshipping it's not much of a stretch. Like if you were speaking to a bi friend who recently switched from dating one gender to another asking how that felt to them in the context of their sexuality might be something to talk about. But when you don't think about it a lot, I can understand having someone else bring it up be jarring. 

Hmm, I'm definitely the kind of person to make these kinds of remarks, or at least I was until my life choices made me work in humanities and be a lot more... careful... about the insinuations of whatever I was talking about. In more than one occasion did I say something while not thinking much that people interpreted in a sexual way that wasn't my initial intention to begin it, that wasn't there at all. And well, people had a laugh and I felt slightly deceiving or merely uncomfortable but, after a while, I realized they were probably just wanting to relate more to me or something and there was no ill intention on their part either, although I did feel kinda... invalidated maybe? idk.

 

[Helo421]

Sorta vented about this in another thread. Only "came out" once to some friends four years ago. They didn't really react at first and I was fine with that. Now I just make comments that pretty much all point to being asexual without me actually saying so. I occasionally wear a black ring and most people know I don't wear any jewelry so if they're really curious they'll ask (hasn't happened yet) or probably Google it later lol.