Could I Be Demi? A Novel/Plea for Insight

[Laceyflama]

Hello everyone! Prepare yourself for my long list of feelings and data points as I wrestle with the idea of possibly being demi...! 

 

Never did I ever think I would be posting in an asexuality forum, LOL, but at this point, I am ready for some crowdsourced opinions on what's up. The DL: I followed the advice of a few friends and read up on demisexuality after some failed dating attempts. A few articles actually made me tear up, because I simultaneously realized my experience is both abnormal and that I'm not alone in it. It was such a relief to have a potential context for my lack of romantic/sexual attraction to strangers after a few dates, despite great conversation, basic physical attraction, and even being able to envision a life together to some extent.

 

As I kept reading up on demisexuality, it seems that there are many pervasive experiences amongst demis that I DON'T identify with, though...

 

Crushes/Physical Attraction: I've definitely had crushes! They have always been very longterm. It takes me years to move on from breakups, and more often than not, I try to salvage every bit of relationship possible outside of the romantic stuff as well (with varying degrees of success, haha). I definitely have a physical "type" in terms of who I find objectively physically attractive, but even if someone fit that perfectly and was a great personality match, I still would never find my brain wandering to any physical fantasy with them for probably a long time (even kissing, hand holding, etc).

 

Sex: I have a hella high sex drive, which sounds somewhat unusual but not out of the question for demis? I could never, ever have a one night stand, and I do spend long seasons of my life celibate with no issue. All of my sexual encounters have been in relationships and, a few times early on with friends. I do "take care" of myself, but don't really envision specific people–not celebrities, not crushes, etc. It's always, like, fantasizing about the activity itself that does it for me. That feels kind of nuanced, but in thinking things through, I do actually start feeling uncomfortable and turned off if I try to insert any specific person into those fantasies.

 

The Rest of It: I hate the "honeymoon" stage. The flirting. The lead up to the first kiss. God, so much anxiety!! I just want to jump to the grocery shopping together and pillow talk, haha. My love language, ironically, is physical touch... but I have very high instinctual boundaries about it prior to a safe relationship being established. All of my romantic relationships have had an unintentional lead-up period of becoming familiar and comfortable with a person before things ever moved into romantic territory. I haven't the slightest clue how to get to know someone purely to figure out whether or not I feel romantically about them, and as someone who's usually very in touch with her emotions and internal reactions, it's been terrifying to feel such nothingness (and then subsequent confusion) about the nice, "hot" guy sitting across the table from me on a date.

 

Maybe I'm more demiromantic than demisexual. Maybe it's just a personality quirk. Maybe I'm meeting all the wrong people. I'm a bit at a loss of how I am supposed to date if it's going to take me forever to know if I even want to move forward with someone on a very basic level! I'm very happy single, but I also do want a forever partner, and to get laid on the reg by them. LOL.

 

Do you guys experience extremes on the demisexual spectrum? What's your experience as a demi like, and does mine line up with it at all? Halp!!

 

 

[Abigail Rose]

Your drive has nothing to do with being demi or not. By then you're already in the car ready to go. It is realizing that one particular car is more important to you than any others have been before. Like before you didn't know why everyone was so into cars and suddenly this one answers that for you. From all I have experienced and read it is easy to get overwhelmed by the feelings when they first start to form because of how rarely they appear. So your anxiety is completely normal. Be patient and follow your heart.The only advice I have for you. 🍰 Hope that helps some.

[Gnome.1]

I have to agree that your sexdrive has nothing to do with being Demi.  I have a fairly high sexdrive but have zero sexual attraction to others (other than those I have a connection with.) making acting on my sexdrive difficult to impossible.   

 

For me I need a strong connection.   I happen to be Greyaromantic as well and need this romantic connection first before a deeper connection is made and then a sexual attraction happens.  Both romantic attractions that I have had were almost instantaneous.  My first took a few months before a sexual attraction happened and my second was almost 3 years.   

 

I can say that I have also lost this attraction before.   I have been with my wife for 20 years and 5 years ago we had issues and I lost my connection with her and with it my sexual attraction.   It took 2 years of actively working on it to get the connection back and with it my attraction for her.  

 

All of this would have made way more sense if I had known about these attractions back then.  It has only been in the last six months that any of this had made sense.