So many questions! ***Trigger sensitive

[Laurie997]

Hi everybody!

 

As the topic says, I have a lot of questions about asexuality, but mostly about my connection to this label and I hope somebody here can help me because I am a little lost.

I am 22 years old, and I realised a few years ago that the haze I lived in my whole life was a result of childhood depression and body disphoria. I consulted a psychologist one time, but my parents, who are in charge of my insurance since I am still in school, have declared that psychology is not "health" and that they would not alllow me to pass the bills ont he insurance, so I didn't go back unfortunately.

 

I have also been sexualy assaulted about 2 years ago now, and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. It is even hard for me to call it a sexual assault because the guy didn't rape me, he only took his clothes off when I was looking through this glass thingy that he showed me and hugged me from behind while holding my belly (it should be noted that I am severly overweight and that I am REALLY not used to somebody touching me in any way) and king of rubbed against me so it is in the controversial category if you know what I mean. Right after it happenned, I told one of my best friends everything and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal so I kind of put it to the back of my mind and tried to forget it. But this happened in my university and I began feeling a lot of anxiety going in that part of campus, even though it was "not a big deal" and I can never forget about it completely.

 

Anyway, all of this happened a few months before my 20th birthday. I had been seriously questionning my sexuality for about a year by this point, but the assault forced me to stop thinking about sex altogether, stopping my "research" at the same time. As I said before, I had childhood depression wich means that the memories I have of growing up are hazy at best, so I do not have many references of myself before the incident. This means that I have no recollection whatsoever of feeling romantically or sexually attracted to somebody in my life. But since I forgot so many things, I cannot help but wonder if I simply forgot my attraction in favor of self preservation, or if I simply do not feel those things. To make everything blurrier, I also have had friend crushes in the last two years, that I thought were romantic ones, but when they found another partner, I didn't feel anything wich must mean it was only friendship and admiration?

But here is my complete dilemna: Is it possible that my brain is making me think that I am Ace because of the incident, so that I do not put myself in a situation like this again, or am I really Ace? And as much as I try to convince myself that what matters is the way I feel and not the way I relate to labels, it doesn't work and I keep looking at my ceiling during the night, wondering if I will ever finaly know for sure if it is because of a mental injury or if I am simply ace.

 

I am really not interested in sex with somebody else, I even get a funy taste in my mouth juste by thinking about it, just like after crying for a long time (it is the only descrition I have for that) but I enjoy the physical sensations by myself and do it quite often, thus my questioning: am I asexual?

 

Thank you for reading this long post and if you have any insight, please answer!

[gabriele]

Hi there! 

 

I'm 22 as well and identify as asexual as well, maybe my blabber will help you a bit  Also, it's really nice to see you here, welcome!

 

38 minutes ago, Laurie997 said:

I am 22 years old, and I realised a few years ago that the haze I lived in my whole life was a result of childhood depression and body disphoria. I consulted a psychologist one time, but my parents, who are in charge of my insurance since I am still in school, have declared that psychology is not "health" and that they would not alllow me to pass the bills ont he insurance, so I didn't go back unfortunately.

I'm dealing with body dysphoria, even if it's not really severe, I don't think. I can't even bring it up to my mom or really anyone, to them going to a psychologist is shameful. I think it's really sucks that your parents declared it as not "health", when mental health is really important. Hopefully you will be able to go back to seeing a psychologist soon. 

 

48 minutes ago, Laurie997 said:

I have also been sexualy assaulted about 2 years ago now, and I have a hard time coming to terms with that. It is even hard for me to call it a sexual assault because the guy didn't rape me, he only took his clothes off when I was looking through this glass thingy that he showed me and hugged me from behind while holding my belly (it should be noted that I am severly overweight and that I am REALLY not used to somebody touching me in any way) and king of rubbed against me so it is in the controversial category if you know what I mean. Right after it happenned, I told one of my best friends everything and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal so I kind of put it to the back of my mind and tried to forget it. But this happened in my university and I began feeling a lot of anxiety going in that part of campus, even though it was "not a big deal" and I can never forget about it completely.

I'm really sorry that happened to you *virtual hugs*. No matter what, it is a big deal and the guy should have been punished. 

 

53 minutes ago, Laurie997 said:

Anyway, all of this happened a few months before my 20th birthday. I had been seriously questionning my sexuality for about a year by this point, but the assault forced me to stop thinking about sex altogether, stopping my "research" at the same time. As I said before, I had childhood depression wich means that the memories I have of growing up are hazy at best, so I do not have many references of myself before the incident. This means that I have no recollection whatsoever of feeling romantically or sexually attracted to somebody in my life. But since I forgot so many things, I cannot help but wonder if I simply forgot my attraction in favor of self preservation, or if I simply do not feel those things. To make everything blurrier, I also have had friend crushes in the last two years, that I thought were romantic ones, but when they found another partner, I didn't feel anything wich must mean it was only friendship and admiration?

But here is my complete dilemna: Is it possible that my brain is making me think that I am Ace because of the incident, so that I do not put myself in a situation like this again, or am I really Ace? And as much as I try to convince myself that what matters is the way I feel and not the way I relate to labels, it doesn't work and I keep looking at my ceiling during the night, wondering if I will ever finaly know for sure if it is because of a mental injury or if I am simply ace.

First of all let me just tell you - there is no rush to label yourself. It might be that how you feel is due to your past and what happened. Talking about your crushes - those might be so called "squish" which is quite similar to a crush, but there are no romantic feelings involved. By definition squish is "A squish is a platonic crush, one where you like someone and want to be close to them, but not in a romantic way.". Like I said, this might be a way you are protecting yourself from getting into a terrible situation again, but it also might be that you are on the asexual spectrum. No one can really advise you on this. I might venture and guess that you are ace or maybe even aromantic, but another person might think otherwise. I think it would become clearer if you could continue your visits to the psychologist to help you deal with everything that happened and just taking your time. Just know that either way your feelings are valid. Hope this makes sense and was of any help. 

[Janus the Fox]

A lot of questions, and a lot of time to answer, especially with horrific abuse themes.

 

Take time slowly and the helpful thread can gradually answer what needs answering.

 

 

[henshin]

Your experience was definitely sexual assault and you have absolutely every right to feel violated and grossed out by that situation. I'm sorry you had to experience that. It's fine and normal if that experience makes you averse to touch or intimacy or generally makes you feel shit in any given situation. I would really recommend speaking to a sexual assault/rape advice service for survivors about it, just to chat and get things off your chest.

 

Also I don't have an answer for your question about whether you're ace or whatever, but I used to think the same about being gay and in the end all I could conclude was what difference did it make if past experience or innate tendencies made me who I am. I am still that person right now and need to live and act accordingly. There are no hard and fast answers for you I'm afraid. I hope you find peace with yourself.

[gisiebob]

it's ok to be questioning your sexuality, even if you don't feel like you are making any progress.

 

I would look into the counseling services available to you on campus.