OldKitten Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Hey everyone, i have literally been wrestling with my sexuality for as long as I can remember and I really need some answers. I am so sorry it’s so long. First off, finding out about demisexuality has made the most sense to me out of like everything. Deep down ive always known that I definitely was not heterosexual but I could not for the life of me figure out what I actually was. I’ve always found sex a bit weird, like ive had fantasies but usually id sort of detach myself so it wasn’t really me doing it (if that makes sense) and when I actually think of having sex...it’s a no from me. I have been in relationships, my last one we were intimate but it wasn’t until I genuinely liked him and to be honest it felt more for his benefit than mine. Plus now that im single and over my feelings, the idea of having sex makes me cringe so badly. I don’t think ive ever had a real crush on someone apart from someone I genuinely liked. I thought ive had crushes on like celebrities but I didn’t know people actually get sexually attracted to someone purely on looks alone. I thought a crush was just ‘yes, their face/body is aesthetically pleasing’. And when I think about it, the only times I really have a ‘crush’ on a celebrity is when i get to know the character they’re playing but when I see a photo of them i feel nothing. Ive seen articles that demis aren’t sexually attracted to celebrities usually but i have been with the character they’re playing after getting to know their personality like I don’t know if that counts as an emotional bond😂 but again the idea of ACTUALLY having sex...im good. I came across demisexuality a few years ago and i did identify as it at first but i believed a person when they said it didn’t exist (foolish of me i know). I noticed as my feelings for my ex faded how much more the idea of actually having sex abhors me. It made me think about when i have ever liked someone(both romantically and sexually), it’s been with someone ive known really well or built them up in my head as if i known them well. I always get interested in someone romantically first, sexually comes later if at all. Honestly i think i wouldnt be fussed if i was in a relationship that was almost completely romantic. I feel weird because im surrounded around people who stress the importance of sex and it feels like im the only one thats kinda like...meh? I dunno, writing this out does make me think ive gotta be demisexual but I guess i need someone to agree/disagree so i know for sure? Seriously anything will help, I feel so alone out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Quote when I actually think of having sex...it’s a no from me. Quote the idea of having sex makes me cringe so badly. Quote but again the idea of ACTUALLY having sex...im good. Quote the idea of actually having sex abhors me. Doesn't sound like you are really into sex at all so not sure how that comes across as demisexual. Unless you're saying you used to be? It should be noted that aces can be willing to have sex for the sake of the other person / for maintaining a relationship, but without necessarily desiring the act themselves. It's also worth noting that aces can still have attractions to people (often classified as romantic or aesthetic attractions) that don't necessarily include the sexual element. Link to post Share on other sites
QueenoHearts AceoSpades Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 41 minutes ago, OldKitten said: I’ve always found sex a bit weird, like ive had fantasies but usually id sort of detach myself so it wasn’t really me doing it (if that makes sense) and when I actually think of having sex...it’s a no from me. I have been in relationships, my last one we were intimate but it wasn’t until I genuinely liked him and to be honest it felt more for his benefit than mine. I don’t think ive ever had a real crush on someone apart from someone I genuinely liked. I thought ive had crushes on like celebrities but I didn’t know people actually get sexually attracted to someone purely on looks alone. I thought a crush was just ‘yes, their face/body is aesthetically pleasing’. And when I think about it, the only times I really have a ‘crush’ on a celebrity is when i get to know the character they’re playing but when I see a photo of them i feel nothing. Ive seen articles that demis aren’t sexually attracted to celebrities usually but i have been with the character they’re playing after getting to know their personality like I don’t know if that counts as an emotional bond😂 but again the idea of ACTUALLY having sex...im good. I always get interested in someone romantically first, sexually comes later if at all. I'm new here too (hi!) and I feel the same way... Demi... kinda? Because I'm married and crave intimacy and romance/connection with my partner... But sex is just like... I really could leave it and not feel like it's something missing. Totally get the no fantasy/can't think of details of sex/feeling detached about it. Definitely can get attached to characters though! You create an interpreted bond in your mind. I used to have 'Leo' posters on my wall growing up lol... Definitely doesn't mean I was ever thinking about being jumped 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
OldKitten Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 Hey there! Oh it is so nice to know that some else gets it! I don’t know if it’s the same with you for me sex is sorta like going to the cinema, yeah it’s enjoyable but I wouldn’t really care if i never went again and it’s not really necessary. And yes! It’s like you ‘know’ the character as if they were an actual person (obviously we know it’s not true) but yeah still no desire for them to jump me as you say haha. Link to post Share on other sites
OldKitten Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 23 hours ago, Philip027 said: Doesn't sound like you are really into sex at all so not sure how that comes across as demisexual. Unless you're saying you used to be? It should be noted that aces can be willing to have sex for the sake of the other person / for maintaining a relationship, but without necessarily desiring the act themselves. It's also worth noting that aces can still have attractions to people (often classified as romantic or aesthetic attractions) that don't necessarily include the sexual element. I have thought of the possibility that maybe i am asexual but then i do have a libido and while it doesn’t happen often i do occasionally have the desire to have sex with someone i have an emotional bond with. That does sound like me for the most part that i had sex with my ex usually for his benefit but again there were times i think i desired to as well? Does that still put me in the demisexual umbrella or am i actually asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Well, that does meet the classifications for demisexual. I do find it curious that you spoke of the idea of yourself having sex in such a negative light, though, but maybe that's just how demisexuality can manifest for some people -- when not in an appropriate relationship that "triggers" it, the idea of it might seem practically revolting. Link to post Share on other sites
OldKitten Posted February 18, 2020 Author Share Posted February 18, 2020 12 minutes ago, Philip027 said: when not in an appropriate relationship that "triggers" it, the idea of it might seem practically revolting. Honestly I am still a little lost on what sexual attraction/desire actually feels like because I can like someone, have fantasies but then when push comes to shove I don’t actually want to have sex with them...does that make sense? It is very possible as you say maybe i am revolted only in the stage where I haven’t had a trigger. Maybe I need to research sexual attraction/desire or ask some sexuals what they experience Link to post Share on other sites
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